Our fanastiK hero's mugshot frum her TubePass. Whudda Glamour Shot. the photoBoothes o're there are wicked! This chik wif her brit accent sez over the speaker,
"Now, you realize that if you are not satisfied with your foto graff, you can select NO and start again."
Saturday, December 16, 2000
After one nite of partAying and boozin' it up in Sutton (London) at this PubbyKlub called 'the Litten Tree' I had to Krash at my frend's, cuzin's howse and had to sleep in this bunkbed. This shot is actually very generous in making the bed appear to be bigger than what it actually is. I was drunk as a fiddler's bitch and not even halfway thru' a dose of E and i had to smush myself into the bottom bunk. I scratched my face and arms everytime i rolled-over frum the bedsprings sticking outta the top mattress during the nite. it was complete drunken and eFFed up HeLL. I didn't trust taking the topbunk cuz i knew wif my luck I'd roll off during the nite and die. when i'm sober i sleep like a rock. When i'm drunk i kick and toss and talk in my sleep.
Maybe i'm a witch.
Laura, the blog posts go in order uv first to last posted in a day, so u just gotta scroll down. Like in the Forum, silly. And uv course people would read yer postings. They're so interesting and make me all...uhm, excited. yes. this is true.
Here's me (raymi) in Oxford. that siGn between my krotch sez, 'please keep off grass' or something and there i am On the grass like the eFFing rebellious bitch i've always been. hyuk hyuk. The tour company gave out these horrible bag lunches whenever we went out. I think i had this mango brie rye samwich and a box of juice and a flake. after this shot my frend pushed me down on the grass and made my lunch get smushed. Raymi wuz mad cuz raymi was very hungry that day and tired and Raymi needed her hangovir meal. lookit how pale Raymi wuz. that's kuz the sun nver shined and when it did, Raymi was indoors, sleeping.
p.s., I really was supposed to move to Tokyo for a year to work at Disney Land. The told me to quit my job and give up my apartment, so I did, and then they never hired me. It sucked. I was forced to stay with relatives, which turned out to be a good experience. Still, the moral of the story is:always get it in writing.
well, things here in Brooklyn are fine. My boyfriend just left and said he was going to have sex. I said "REALLY?!" Poor guy, I don't blame him. I think after three years we are going to be very good friends and stop trying to have sex. Now I am free to pursue this hot chick I met at the bar the other day. She's so HOT and wears beautiful eye makeup all the time. I'm assuming she's at least bi, because she let me buy her and her dykey friends a couple of rounds of drinks and..well, here's hoping she isn't just friendly. I have to work up the nerve to stop by the restaurant where she works. It would be so much easier if I hadn't been plotting how to get her clothes off for the past week. I have to go in there with the mindset of "whatever happens happens" and not be crushed if she's like "oh yeah, me and my boyfriend went to see the Ice Man Cometh" or something.
well, that's another story. When I worked at the Strand Bookstore on Broadway, they hired this hot little brunnette girl, so I fabricated this story that someone told me she had lived in Tokyo. I went up and said "Hey, Your name is ____, right? Someone told me you lived in Tokyo for a year". She said, of course, "No, that's weird, I never lived in Tokyo", and I said "REALLY? That's weird, I could have sworn..well, anyway, I'mmoving there so that's why I asked..Hey, do you wanna get drinks after work?"...She was all excited about getting drinks and then she must have gone back to her desk and realized that I was a ravenous lesbian and so...the day we are supposed to meet for drinks I am waiting for her to come downstairs and there is this little guy there too and she comes down and says "oh I have to cancel on the drinks, we're going to see the Ice Man Cometh" and went off with the little guy, and I was left there feeling retarded. See, I always make the incorrect assumption that all girls want to do other girls, especially if I want to do them. Anyhow...This new girl is different I think.
This iz whut i use to do when mum would let me take the day off of kindergarden. In my fantasy world I was teacher to my stuffed frendz and i read to them frum all my dr.Seuss boox and frum that one book in my hands . That book was one of like 50 in a series . it was called 'Lets talk about teasing' and focused on this asshole brother who always taunted the shit outta his sister and her back at him. i kood relate to that. All the other books began wif, 'Lets talk about...' I think we got them free in the mail cuz my mom ordered a subscription for sum magazine and they were a promo. my students had to sit and watch me drink my tea and eat biscuits and i would choose only one very lucky student to share cuz there was never enuff to go around which was too bad 'cos i remember them all being very nice. My name was Missus Clorenchio. (I made that up). I wuz a child prodigy of sorts.
Friday, December 15, 2000
tired and dehydrated
sucks on a friday
Thank Gawd for Gatorade and Beef jerky.
b4 i forget,
I had this Effed up dreamlast nite that was so real i thought that i wasgoingto tell you all here that it aktually happened.
anyhow, it took place on this tiny street (picture one of the side streets in kensington market) and the shoppe next door to where i apparently lived , i walked in and saw on this high shelf behind all these nicknacks and stuffed animaLs A dead fat and bloated naked woman who had hollowed out eyes, reddish hair, saggy flesh and her guts were oozing out of her stumAk. I screamed and ran outside to find this guy Johnny (who in real life owns jetFuEL coffeeshop) outside wif a shovel and he sez,
"wanna burn?" and passes me a joint and i'm like,
and then i woke up and realized i needed sum water.
I ate a whole bag of PlanTain baNana chips last nite. Man, i had thee munchies.
Thursday, December 14, 2000
there's this eFFing pen in my penholder of various pens that doesn't werk and it keeps resurfacing at the most inconvenient of times when i need to jot sumthing down quick and i reach for a utensil and then this eFFing pen shows up and sez,
"Ffuk you, raymi! yer stuck wif me! MooHooHahah..."
and then i scribble and scratch at the paper and curse and swear like a madRaving Lunatik and the person on the other end uV the fone is disturbed into silence.
����i get delusionaL when i postpone my lunch for this long.
Wednesday, December 13, 2000
My baby duz the HAnky panky....Today wuz kold as a mutherfukker. I tried NOT wearing my toque cuz i did'nae wanna mess up my hair and then my ears got all tingly hot and swelled-red. Whadda Maroon i kan sumtimes be. Oh well. I attempted going to this dykeBar after work, just to see whut all this fuss is about but it wuz too early yet and the durn place wuz not even open. I didn't want to look like a 'foon so i kept walking up the street to this gas Station and i bought a pack of smokes. Durnit. No luck for the weak. I think it's time i settled down a tad and got me a boyfrend or something before i go mental and revert into the catacombes of my ugly mood, forever.
Today on the train, this Guy squeezes by me and sez, "sKuse me, buddy." So, that's Grayt. I've finally sucKseeded in looking like that of a little femBoy. I notice sum women are staring at me with that look in their eyes of lust. I know it cuz i often look at things/people like that, myself. My hair iz lookin' funny today cuz i haven't quite figgerd out how to style this new cut. It's flat in the back but sticks up on the top of my head. I look like a cross-breed of an 80's punkchikk and a Peacock. I wunder if it'll help me get laid faster.
Tuesday, December 12, 2000
one time i was at my cuzin alex' house and we ate like a whole kalbasa and cut the nastiest farts thru'out watchin' the exorcist. The next morning we made 30 lil pancakes each and watched Alien. when that cyborg/robot guy was ripped apart by the mother alien and he puked all over himself, our stomaches started to churn so we gave the 60 pancakes to her dog, max. Alex and i use to make our own musik videos of us dancing around in slutty clothes and I also got Max on film licking his ballz.
Just watched that part in ferris Bueller's day Off where he's singin' Twist 'n shout in that parade and it's all so phony and pre-planned and unrealistik cuz all these dancers just HAPPEN to be there and in sequence with the song and there's people doing backflips, everyone's happy and dancing. whuddevir. it's entertainment.
here i am, in all my slovenly glory celebrating Ward's birfday. How nice I am. Rite now i've got massive munchies.
Today i woke up at 1 and ate a bowl of Kraft dinner at 2. I've eaten nuthin' since. I think me and ward are gunna go fetch sum chinese fud or sumpin' . soundz gud. we rented four movies last nite and so far have watched half of wun. meh.
Monday, December 11, 2000
Today me mum and i went shopping for ME. It wuz horrid. We skirted frum shoppe to shoppe, yelling and screaming at one-another cuz we kood not agree on the same pair of pants. SHE wanted tight, black conservative pants and I wanted baggy SpacePants. She also made me try on bras. Uggh! i stopped wearing bras a year ago and she's worried i'm gunna start sagging. Geez, it's not like i'm stacked or anything. My girls are still perky, i swear! Anyhow, these two ultra-fem saleschiks were measuring my bust and fitting me to bras and my mum wuz all sad cuz I use to dress all nice like them and now I have this barbeLL in my navel, hairy armpits and dykeHair.
I also got new boots. Yay. In the end, no pants were purchased. Oh well. Now i'm at ward's and we're gunna watch The Stupids, his fav film. The heavens are dumping down snow like No tomoRRow and I don't think i will make the jaunt down to ToronTo. I am more than looking forward to walking around my howse in Pajamas and bedHead.
I also learned toDay that I am unable to function well as a team pLayer unless i am the boss cuz i get all pissed-off if i can't be in charge and when people ffuk up and are slow and arrrrgh! You see, everyone has a personality colour, I am green. this means that i am analytical, inquisitive, cynical, annoyed by stupid people, impatient, quietly seeking and plotting revenge, frustrated, anxious...etc and so me and the three other colours (orange : spontaneous, doesn't think b4 speaking, Yellow : Responsible , blue : harmonious, sensitive) were assigned to build the tallest standing structure made frum straws and masking tape. We were to beat out the other five groups, each made up of the same mixture of colour/personality people. Frum the get-go i wuz mad and panikky and kept yelling at the tapeboy cuz he wuzn't supplying tape fast enuff and i kood see that this other group wuz gaining on us. In the end we kame in second place. This whole activity wuz to see how each colour can werk efficiently and co-operatively with the others. Since i am green, it's my duty to hate all the other colours and so it wuz evident i would be cussing and ripping my hair out the whole time. dammit, that whole activity aged me a gud 6 years.
Ffuk, i hate people.
I'm the skinny blond grrl on the right. That was taken when i was in grade 4. I'm suppose to be Tina Turner. Shaaa'eeright. The kid with the white beard is sippose to be Kenny Rogers. The kid in the plaid and glasses (altho' he's white) is sippose to be Stevie Wonder. The grrl in the flowerprint skirt is to be Diana Ross.
We sang that 'Heal the World' song.
The whole gang was there. my elementary skool boyfriend played
michael Jackson and touched hisself. All the relligus mums
got real mad about that. My teacher that year was this wopchick
who was obsessed wif the blueJays and didn't care. She wanted us to be stars.
All the loser, ugly kidz in our class who didn't make the
cut had to hold up diffrent flags of the world and
sway side-to-side with them up in the air behind all us 'stars'
You can see sum of them.
ha ha. LoseRs.
Sunday, December 10, 2000
Rite so, if you wanted to read EVERything that's ever been plastered here, i guess you would click on the Archive linky-thing on the right, sumwhEre. I'm beginning to panik and am envisioning whut tomorrow would be like if i were to show up empty-handed and unprepared. Castration? Would they throw rocks at me ? whut whut whut !!!!! ?
The only thing i've managed to AkomPlish within the last half hour was that of making a jug of OJ and fixing the tracking on my VCR.
I watched The messenger (Story of Joan of Arc) after werk 2day. Wuz gud. Kooda spent that 144 minutes slaving on these three eFFing projects but NooOOOO , I have to have the attention span of a fruitfly and flit frum event to event. Dammit. What if i just lived under my bed until christmas.
Yes. there's a prakticaL idea!
Guess whut i did sat'nite?
I layed facedown on my livingRooM floor for 7 hourz. Wunce I got up to take a pee and the whole right side of my body wuz numb and i had carpeT imprintS on my face. My hair was all ratty. I looked like a doped-up, fume-Huffin' beeOtch.
And now...There are three things I absolutely MUST do before i kan even Konsider throwing myseLf into bed and i've spent the last 4 hours avoiding doing ALL three of them. I am so horribly lazy. I put things off in the hopes of miracles occuring. Rite now i am evidently here, typing this out, avoiding these horrible 3 monkeys on my shoulders. ffuk.
arrrgh, i feeL my period kummin' on as well. Why is my life a living hell ?
For enterTainment purposes i choose Dramatiks as my clutch. I hope you will be pleased.
This guy, he fukkin' walks into my store today and asks,"Do you have girl Shovels?"
"Whut, exactly IS a 'GIRL SHoveL ?" I stare at him, eyebrows raised, hands on hips,"Is it pink? It must be tiny, right?!"
The guy is embarassed and cannot understand why a GIRL is werking in a hardware store AND insulting him at the same time.
I knew he meant to ask for children's shovels, but still, jeez, give it up. Think HARDER and more towards the year 2000 and not 1400.
i am no right-wing feminist in anyway, so don't think i say the things i say or do the things i do becuz of that. I happen to be one of the most politikally incorrect people to walk the face of the earth. That is purely accidental and KAn sumtimes be charming. Like, this one time my frend and i were in the condom shack and he pointed to this stuffed bear which had an enormous erection and said "Oh, i got that for Leda." And you know whut the three werdz to come ouuta my mouth were?
"But, she's jewish."
and like that explains everything. whuddevir. we slapped our knees and moved on. Oh yeh, i seem to have branched off topic. what i am trying to say here is, I only feel obligated to give these men a 'harD time' becuz they ask for it with their iNappropriate comments towards I and the other chicks. It's reaL eFFing annoying whut we have to put up wif.