Saturday, January 13, 2001




yesterday I almost killed my brother. He got me real mad so i dove at him with a can of unopened pepsi in my hand and i hurled it at the back of his head. it missed. tho' it made a great connection with the dishwasher and exlploded. i was on my rag and therefore am allowed to do things like that. I left asap to mail a letter and smoke a J. I'm pretty bored rite now. For sum reason i just watched a bit of this Christina Aguilera thing on Much. I am tired. what else is new?


Oh yeh. that's me trying to swallow down a hangover slushy on New Year's Day after a long nite of aLKohaLL. ew.

Wednesday, January 10, 2001

Hi. Lately things have been weird. Well, not weird, just routine or something. I bought myself a half quarter and thought that would be the answer. It's not the answer, though, i am enjoying hoarding the 1/2 quart in my room. Like a security blanket or something. This weekend was kinda more social than not, for me. I played these great bongos on Fri'nite and had a bottle of Bailey's to my face. Sat'nite, saw sum 'ol frendz, sum dope, sum brooding in a black room. Sunday, went Toboganning and then bought the 1/2 quart. weed just brings out all my OCDs, which helps matters none. I slept the whole way thru monday. Didn't get up until 5:15 in the p.m. I just koodn't do it. Maybe a combo of tobogganning and staying up all nite baked and re-reading Microserfs for the fourth time now, i think. I then watched TV whilst half awake/ half asleep on the couch. I had no appetite that day for some reason. Today i think is Wednesday, rite ? really i am not as low as i may come across as being. honestly. Just trying to get it all out in one go. painting the picture. so-to-speak. I feeL exhausted all the time. I wake up with the fukkin' sun everyday. I just want to up and leave. y'know. say, fine "Today is The day." and then i'm gone. there's all these little things that keep me here. I dunno. we'll see how i feel tomorrow.



Me and my attempt at a social life on Sat'nite. Sandra -- one of my only realLife chikkfrendz who doesn't hate me, as of yet. I'm the loser trying to do the back arch. Look at my paleAss belly.

Sunday, January 07, 2001

I watched 48hours last nite and it wuz about all these people with Obsessive compulsive disorders. it was so great. this one guy living in his bathroom for over two years cuz he doesn't want to contaminate others. he constantly washes and rewashes his hands. this woman who can't touch money, this other who can't even touch her daughter. oh my.

this one guy who repeats movements, like touching his thumb to his pinky finger,
160, 380 times.
I use to have many OCD's growing up, and it is also in my family. hrmm. i'll probably get worse.


i use to have to touch every surface i walked past and it just didn't feel rite if i missed something, and walking back to touch it meant that i had to touch all the other things i would be passing on my way back and whut if i missed something on THAT walk back, and forgot exactly whut thing i forgot to touch the first time around?


See, isn't this fun ?!


I use to have to read EVERY word on a box of cereal, even the french part and the ingredients and all the symbols. that's how i started grouping the letters together, to make the sentences odd or even, cuz i got bored with only reading every side of the cereal box.


I have it down to a science now, so, if yer talking to me, in my head i am dissecting every word you are saying and breaking it down, and then breaking it down agen to make it odd or even. if the sentence is odd, i never like that. that's when i account 'periods' and apostrophys..and now, it's branched off into syllables, too. I 'tol my mother and it scared her. she thinks i think too much. meh. I even have whole words memorized, the amount of letters and syllables, dots on the 'i' everything.
sumtimes, if a sentence is too long and the person saying it is talking too fast, it screws up my system, and i can't go on listenening in the conversation until i get over that sentence.


doctor, i'm ready now.


No one's allowed to talk to me, look at me, make noises, fidget or do anything that involves, eating, and sound when i am watching TV or a movie or on the internet. no one is allowed to ask me questions, either. but, i am allowed to point out the obvious, make comments and ask others questions. of course. My OCD, my Rule. No one iz allowed to stand near me when i am looking at things like toys or cloze. if sumwun is in my personal space, i can't hear myself think. Another OCD i notice is that i obsessively pick my nose when i know there is nothing left inside to dig for. I'm a wonderfuL persun to have around, really, i swear. k bye.













Today went out to dinner to the Lone STar with ol pals. real trashy and yuppyish place. I not only spilled my first glass of pop, I slammed it down when i was moving my hand and it sloshed DIRECTLy into Thom's lap. he was not pleased. everyone else laffed. THEN, we were playing twenty questions and JAmes made me laff so hard i choked on the pop i was about to swallow and went into this violent rage of koffing fits and puked up some cola into my cup. the funniest part was that no one noticed, they all kept talking and i was trying to sop it up and off my hand. then they all felt bad cuz i had tears in my eyes (vomitting is something i fear and hate and triggers my tear ducts or something).
Everyone was 'shocked' and 'concerned' that i don't have a boyfriend. arg. welcome to my world.