i think i'm having a heart attack

Right now i am a big retard because this lemon NeoCitran stuff is kicking in. i am breathing like a big fat man, labored, all gross and heavy and through my mouth. everytime i bend over my nose starts running and my eyes get all teary. being sick sucks.

do u like people who are nervous all the time?

i don't.

especially when they are talking to me. i know they are nervous and it's my fault. because they are talking to me. that in turn, makes me a big nervous idiot. so the conversation between us, is something like, "oh yahhh, so i uhhm, i heard you're back now, eh?" "yahh yahh i'm back. it uhh, feels kinda (insert ridiculously long, awkward silence) weird to be back. But it's ok. i guess." "yah, i saw your brother the other day. where is he living at uhh,(unnnnnnnnghhh.....) live now?" "Oh him, yah he lives near that old church. you know (dumb chuckle) the one that......."

this is why i avoid people, looking at or talking to.

i think i should hide in my bedroom for the next few days. i keep getting more sick. yesterday i drank half a bottle of robitussin, had some weed and a few beers. that didn't cure shit. rented that trash movie Heartbreakers with sigourney weaver and jennifer love hewitt. unnnngh. it is so bad and so long. neither actress was built to play a conniving little slut. luckily i was all looped-up, otherwise i'd be more pissed off. ah well.

last nite my friend and i were talking about dating and fucking and stuff. we both realised that there is no such thing as third base, or second. we go straight to fucking. weird. i wonder when that happened and how. don't understand people who don't want to have sex with me right away. if they're all, "uhhhh, maybe we should slow down a little bit." why the hell should we slow down? This is the guy who wants me to have his babies, buy a townhouse and minivan. gross.

I do understand that i'm the only one of my kind and not everyone is into the things i am into or comfortable with. But it's gotten to a point where i can't relate very well with those who won't/can't be outrageous. i get annoyed or irritated, confused even. Somewhere along the line, that normal, unpervy chunk of my brain, fell out of my head.

15 year old raymi

i have a sore throat

the sneezes

runny nose

i am drinking hot chocolate

my hair is a big gay mess

i am wearing weird black wool leggings

and a big grey sweater

i keep walking into things all over the house

i have not said a word all morning

it hurts to speak

i scared the mailman away

so right now, my current obsessions are origami, cute stationary, hello kitty crap (stickers and shit), more stickers. i am currently satisfied with 7 moosehead in the fridge (canadian beer) a few lame smirnoff ice things and a lil bit o' weed. i'm back in canada for the time being. livin' with me mum. it feels weird to be back here and no matter how hard i try, there is no coherent way for me to describe this feeling to someone. i notice that we canadians actullay Do say eh all the time. i think i am saying eh more, now that i am back. maybe cuz i knew all my yank friends were just waiting for it to slip outta my mouth so they could laugh, and subconsciously, i dunno, i just couldn't say it around them.

but now......

every other sentence has an Eh at the end. i keep thinking an american will randomly appear or something and start laughing. then i realize i'm back in CaNAdA.

you can't get poutine or ketchup chips in the states. no wonder they're all, um, sensitive and uptight.

when i was 6 i stole three packs of gum from Dominion Supermarket. my mum found them in my room and told me that i would have to go back and admit to stealing, then return them. Though, we were leaving for the cottage the next day so i was to do it when we got back, 2 weeks later. so, i was petrified the whole two weeks, obsessing about the confrontation that would ensue. my whole summer vacation, ruined. fucked. so, we get back after the two weeks, i am all prepared for my mum to drag me back to Dominion. days and days go by and nothing. i think she's forgotten about the whole thing. Eventually i forget about it too, until the time i was snoopnig thru her drawers for change when i come across, a bazillion gum wrappers - all of the same brand i had stolen. my mum had been eating away at them the whole time, all the while causing me to be unnecessarily scared and guilty about it.

so mean.