oh man oh man hey liver i remember you

uggggh

i feel like i am going to be ill

i cant be up this early it's just not right 'specially after only 3 hours sleep and he's already fighting with me and talking about separate rooms

my purse isn't big enough to fit all the books and 'zines of the world

aimee i liked the note you lefted me

phil yer a cog

heh

i feel bad for destroying those flowers in the street i meant to pull one up but i pulled ten and then the whole root, certainly not a shining moment. all nite long i was thinking ok i could take a cab at any moment i should take a cab at any moment but i am having too much fun not making any sense

it's 'cos i did'nae eat enough



if you don't hear from me apres 7 day's time please bail me out

smooshy

i miss you guys already

mom/dad

i'm writing an important packing list so i can be organized. i have had a tough day you are all yelling at me bringing me down i need to have fun tonite. i'm showering soon, don't harp on my constitution. i do not have to explain myself to anyone or the system of my routines you are too obsessed with me even dad says

relax

i'm trying hard and i have already made the necessary decisions to better my life and will be put into immediate effect

angelo and i are going as friends

i took the time to actually respond to your letter of repetition of the crap you preach to me every hour

appreciate that

i love you

lauren

ps i will be safe in panama, it's a family resort and i will be safe on the bike. i have my own reservations, however i want to try it out seems fun. i will be wearing proper attire w/ helmet.

pps i am not your whipping boy, you guys always pick on me i'm going to snap

ok so im gonna go there

things i need to pack

important papers and passport

crazy pills

flip flops

hair straightener hair dryer

journal

toiletries

camera

camera charger

carton of belmonts

bikini

black dress

stilettos

make-up

underwear tank tops shorts skirt sweater

people's mailing addresses (email me your address if you want a post card)

some water bottles (if allowed)

watch

toothbrush

toothpaste

wait those fall under toiletries

cds?

yeh cds gotta get cd walkmen oops thats at the other house do you have one?

batteries if i bring the cd walkmen

earphones for cd walkmen

money

sunglasses

bling bling necklace

bling bling ring from aimee that i forgot to ask back

other necklaces

jeans

bras

push up water bra

old man shoes

razor

pussy razor

deodorant

blythe

michael's underwear

book to read

magazine

pens

frisbee?

here's the rice no one ate but me

i am this close to not going to panama

i feel like i have an ulcer

i dunno whatto do and i feel like i am bringing down everyone around me with my drama and annoying them to no end i just fuck, gotta do my own thing for awhile. i really do wanna go and i am gonna go but we're going as friends or i'm not going at all i haven't grown or done anything of any use for a long time and it's time i fuck my bootstraps and collect my shit

i love him and i always will i just can't deal right now

i have my own shit to sort

i don't want to give the wrong impression by going

and i don't want to give the wrong impression by not going

you are my whole world and that's not right

i forget myself too much my things my interests

i cant change how i feel im becoming too mean a person too cynical and that's not my way to say such curse things

but sometimes you have to be blunt and people have to be brought down to size and see that if they wanna carry on as they do they gotta find someone else to put up with their shit

being friends

best friends

is the most i can offer right now

we are far too similar it's like arguing with myself for hours and hours and i really do not want to punch you in the face or make a hole in your wall

and i've been drinking far too much

i would do anything far too much just to vent my frustrations and that's not safe or smart or good at all in any way

and im afraid that once we're there something dumb will happen and you'll be jailed or i'll be jailed and then what do we do?

we're not healthy for each other

i cant be your mom anymore

i love you dearly and you know that

i have to be alone for awhile

we're still the dreamteam

i fucked this one a bit, the raymi is saying lets make a nite to remember. the elf woman is saying no how 'bout one to forget or too late i already forgot.

so i'll be back in five minutes guys. i hope i don't get throwed in jail. speaking of which i wrote a letter to angelo's boy who is in jail. man i'm retarded. so go to his blog and find that audio jail post and get the dood's address and write to him yerself. ladies i mean.

we're being panamaniacs.

ever heard sleep on needles by sondre lerche. it's pretty nice.

and FUCK Underworld is an intense film. so good. it just keeps going. i was waiting and waiting for kate beckinsal (sp whatever?) to go all manic vampire crazy but she didn't really. her hot contacts were enough for me to take. boiiing.

i'm going to be so brown chinatown in two minutes shaggy shag fag

today is aymitheminx's first booze-serving shift i will go there and support her soon as i find someone to support my drinking habit.

or maybe sooner.

he only attacked me eight times





but then i said bitch dont mess around and he said fine





and neice was so angry she fell on her hands and princess that shirt is not from wal-mart it's pantorama





but she was cool a few minutes later





and then papa had another sauce cuz well it was dad's day





do you see the kerouacness there look at other guy even and we always have the stink eye i want to die look on our faces 'cept for papa he is always smiling

sean odell

ok here is how it started

lauren white wrote the last minx and raymi was the character innit and she was in a psyche ward all to shit fuckin everything the system smart-mouth lil minx and then lauren used raymi the minx as her moneekur for vice and it stunk (stuck) jacob smid of emerge fame took her on tole her about blogger.com in late '99 and she started and it was gravy. gold actually. and getting betterer and betterer ever since.



we were talking about kerouac and how we're related and how people with the last name kerouac (as is raymimum's) these people are most definitely related to jack 'cuz the name is so obscure some native injun shiznite, nahmean. and like so enough cousins uncles relatives even shawnraymi look like jack so fuck ya'lls whaddya expect another jack legend of me you s-talkers from way back im fucking 21 this is the legit shit this is what it is now days. ya heard me. buzz.

here's me about to give the thumbs down to the dill pickle chipitos but i bought 'em anyhow and made out with them immediately and they were the preciousest post-brew nightcap you trick.

got the sexiest number of a black cocktail-sucking dress but it's a bitch to get in and out of i hope i lose some weight or it stretches out go party dress go go go!

tomorrow is canadur day spectacular son.

i hope fireworks 'splode outta my hands and my conversations are the talk of the town.

we're getting married tomorrow.

but only because she's pregnant like britney.

it makes me all wistful, you know.

28 july 2001

i remember the first porn video i ever saw. "tres riche" i was about 5 or 6 it was in the vcr. saturday. mum and brother at the supermarket and dad was asleep i clicked play and voila - hot naked people were humping and pounding and moaning i turned the volume down then looked over my shoulder i couldn't believe how lucky i was to see such trash. i sat there, jaw to the floor, hands on my knees, practically drooling. i knew i would then become the biggest prevert in grade one. it was my little secret which plagued me with guilt for years until i realised i was the cat's pajamas and everything about me was cool no matter what and especially things concerning sexing.

me and kat slapped the shit out of each other at the dun right i didnt see it coming and she got all manic for magnetic darts and i got in trouble for losing one



we didnt like each other very much from the start but now we are full on lesbians for hanging out. im basically the girlangelo for her.

when we first start chillin maxin and relaxin it is all silent and polite but then we are like fuck this pour booze in our pockets and everything is revolutionary again.

lazy eye is the new black

ok ill change the banner back you made me feel bad enough ok

you know what you want and not want to do but you can't stop doing what you shouldn't

wild animals raised in captivity will perish if placed back into their natural habitats because they don't know the laws of prey and predator and they don't know the ways of the jungle, even if that's where they belong

i feel like her mountain only i'm about to have an avalanche

delight in the annoying

saw pygmalion at niagara on the lake with jgaero and i ate a ham and cheese sammich and threw all the crusts in the garden and we were wino sluts and i even almost cried at one point and this one old guy during the Q&A in the end you could tell he had waited his whole life to do some public speaking and his question was only about the technical aspects of the sets. he even cleared his throat (who does that?) and used his arms for emphasis. laaaaame. and this woman with a cane in front of us dropped it when they were talking and said sorry and i said you fucking better be. i'm glad she didn't hear it. jgaero had a crush on this mysterious person n the field who was meditating and then all of a sudden was teleported to a comet to the moon before jgaero could molest him/her.

this here is kate she's pretty good and when i say good i mean as in awesome as in not snooty to the likes of me and therefore i have nothing crazy assholic to say about her at all. she's fun, she has good stories and she has this one white purse i called the nurse purse but no one heard me so i may as well have said nothing at all as usual. go kate!

tuesday may 30/00 9am

it's been done. gone backwards in time and accomplished something beautiful but "wrong". it had to be done. sweetness. it had been awhile - but still in sync, which is not always the case. "compliment psychos and they will be your friend." he laughed and told me i was very witty + perceptive. i told him i was serious. "the problem with trying to forget about shit is, you can't. time does not heal all wounds. i don't know who was the first guy to say it was, but it couldn't have been confucius. he would've never said something so stupid." this is what i said out loud as i got out of the car and walked across the parking lot to the mall and i told him i was going to get away for awhile and learn to write like an adult, like a smart person would and he said where are you going and i said france no not really, im going to england. and he was sad.

"she radiated contentment, a sleepy lying-in-the-sun kind of mental bliss i had never known."

me and lucasaids


shud b gud

taking drugs breeds taking more drugs

there's a fire in the hole

the lotus position

love is the only rational act

this moment is delicious

these flowers are all fangs. comfort me, fury

good evening - sirs

Atypical depressives respond positively to good things that happen to them, are able to enjoy simple pleasures like food and sex, and tend to over sleep and over eat, their depression, which is chronic rather than periodic and which usually dates from adolescence, largely shows itself lack of energy and interest, lack of initiative, and a great sensitivity to periodic - particularly romantic - rejection.

anything to feel better. a frontal lobotomy, even.

if they were manic - depressives, they worked during hypomania, the productive precursor to a manic phase which allows a peak of creative energy to flow. but depression is pure dullness, tedium straight up. i do not fear it: i have been there. what a fresh hell i have landed in.

after they had explored all the suns in the universe, and all the planets of all the suns, they realized that there was no other life in the universe, and that they were very happy, because then they knew it was up to them to become all the things they had imagined they would find.



i never felt i had the right to be depressed.

it can be a full-fledged forest fire that destroys almost everything and is controlled by almost nothing.

greek song

im sorry ive been so mean
and moody
and peevish
and grumpy
and bitter
and cruel
and hateful
i just want you to know that underneath it all im very very very very angry



lazy cuss

i dont wait anymore

ive fallen in love with myself so now you can love me. you will fall in love because you will learn the truth



i at least feel that there is some use to be found in what ive come to think of as my so called life and i owe so much more than i could ever pay for how good that's made me feel.

picturing the hanging man as the only card in the playing deck. not being quite able to claim an identity.

i want to turn into forever i want to be inside forever doubting flesh

yersterday
i saw your face
i felt your skin
beneath this place
we will appear
another day
forever now
i hold your face
come and stay
lets run away
lets leave this hell forever

deeply suspicious of anyone who'd be fool enough to get in touching distance of this poison girl i felt like such a messy, highly reactive creature that i didn't want people to get near me.



cecelia

laura had her bebe wendy. finally. and wendy is so tiny. congratulations crotchhair and the pee tree.

so i didn't vote and i feel dumb about it. i didn't have my votecard and im not registered in this town to begin with so bollocks. would any of 'em voted for me? sorry no.



ya'll should rent dirty pretty things. tres jolie it is.

tres in the illest form

phil can u email me i lost your email it's gone and you're a lesbo

i'm gonna tan today i think or at least faketan.

no one even cares about my ithinkmanic blog i hate you guys

maybe ill see farenheit 9/11 again today it is tuesday afterall cheapday

maybe i will be a shootergirl when i get back from panama at that place what shows their vagina a lot

i knew her
use to follow everywhere we'd go
and it's so sweet
now she's sleeping with a boy i know
the boy i know
knows a pretty girl in every town
and the way they look
they were made to let each other down

and this is the cat at the head shop i forget the name of but shes vurry cute and she even talked to me im definitely touched since contact with animals is like thrilling and they don't ever give you any guff should cat and assfucked dog go on a date?

this is the dog what gets fucked in the ass from a smaller doggy. i like to watch it. james is having a bbq and i made garlic butter rice and wrapped it up like a pilgrim would complete with butcher string and under tinfoil to make sure it is hot as the lake of fire

you are a lake of fire



im going to croon rufus wainwright all over the world

croon

true love is a trophy

and you said watch my head about it

baby you said

watch

my head about it

my head about it

no kidding

you can play me like a fiddle as long as i pull the strings

actually, pornography really just makes sex look unappealing

the brain doesn't process negatives

when you pray, and you pray honestly, you send a beam of light out into the skies as clear and as powerful as a sunbeam that breaks through the clouds at the end of a rainy day; like the lights on the sidewalk outside the Academy Awards.

many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up

pain is inevitable
suffering is optional

there is nothing stronger in the world than gentleness

what's another word for thesaurus

i come from downtown born and ready for you

july 18 2000

breakfast consisted of sad bastard poached eggs - nasty. went to discotheque last nite w/ andres and his dreamteam - all dressed like the beastie boys - makin' proper fools of ourselves cuttin' a rug on the dancefloor to greasy jungle muzik.

"one nite in el paso the cops go into the crowd..."

i lost my shit in the theatre when it went all black mega tear steady stream down each side of my face during the wtc sounds and splosions and i thought about that morning from the apartment



i was not smiling



a black girl sat beside me two brown girls to our front

bush you stupid stupid twat

stupid stupid twat

twat



i know why these guys are mad

yeh you've been mixing with the wrong crowd

beady-eyed lesbian

i want to see it again

who else saw that cbs documentary in march of 2002? the french brothers who were following the firefighters around and were the only ones to get film footage from inside the wtc that fucking morning? me and jack falcon saw're it. someone tell me theyve seen it too