My eyebrows look like caterpillars.
can you please help me clean up, I am trying to get ready, and this place is trashed. It makes me so depressed.
Saturday, August 28, 2004
great. i get to keep one person going through a dead account.
healthy thing: i dunno. it was like a year ago what i was commenting on.
forget about it. im sure i wasn't knowing fully what i was talking about at the time.
boy. i've got nothin to say.
i'll just vomit onto the page and see what happens. here goes:
i called it a page. it's a keyboard. im that far gone into this bizarro world
i like the backwards language people use. suggest things without saying.
this bizarro blog world is ruining everyone and their lives and their mental health and i am really starting to not like it but it's like crack, you know? can't stop 'til you get enough. i think that when i take down my comments things get worse kuz then people assume more that is going on, they think we are on that side and you are on her side and i am on thee side, when really i have no idea what is really going on 'cos i am so far out of the loop and i play my own victim and now i know i am the poison in the pool, and that my friend, be no longer cool.
"a girl goes into a resturant. when asked to sit, she declines the booth and opts for a table with chair. she then looks around at what everyone else is eating and then sighfully begins to ponder over her fashion magazines"
i may be a shitty writer, but the idea in there is what I'm talking about.
whats the smog like there?
what's the smog like where you are?
i wish i worked in mechanics shop.
i want to learn about internal combustion and carbuerators.
know anyone that will hire a motor rookie and will enjoy teaching?
of course i do and if i don't they will email me and go i want to hire the guy that wants to learn about internal combustion
i'll move in a second.
i like the idea that im not tied down.
its a sense of freedom. but the cost of living is everywhere.
i like sleeping with cold pillows.
whiskey and ice, is nice.
sunglasses look good on me.
cold pillows are important. i havent had booze in three days. i have a lot of sunglasses but right now i don't know where they are and/or i have stepped on them, sat on them, or tore 'em apart by raymiaccident or i give them away or lend them out and they just get lost.
sometimes, i stare.
probably too much. ah well.
me too but i am neurotic a lot so then i go is that girl talking shit about me, what, she is? and then i smile at her and she is blown away kuz i mean it when i smile.
i watched the nascar imax 3D while in virginia. very cool.
never seen imax before. nor 3D stuff.
technology is an amazing thing but it is also a very dangerous thing.
i looked in chapters for your fugue mag. when I tried to spell it out to them cause they didnt know what i was talking about, they misunderstood and told me to pick up a free paper called F.A.G. from some gay bar in Ottawa. I laughed, and said thanks.
ahem, and i quote me on this, "AHJHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHhaHA." it's not my mag. go to fuguemagazine.com
i was at a party this week and they had free beer.
i was the one to get the last drink from the keg before it went all foam.
that deserved a beer.
don't you hate when you get a beer from a pub or something and the foam is all scummy like how it is in hot tubs?
raymi. is that a birth given name?
no. go to raymi.com i have nothing to do with what raymi is but i respect the shit out of that thing. it's a celebration on may 24, native indians and stuffs. i dig those people man.
who is the most famous person you know or have met?
fame is overrated. and i don't like to say this person is most famous. there are famous people i know in specific worlds, radio, print, politics, musicians, models, celebs, list goes on. i think the most famous people i know are my parents and my brother and then my neice. and some teachers i had in school and my grandparents, and my friends' parents and the guy who sells hot dogs on the corner and then aimee at the bar and my old boss at the hardware store and, you know what i mean.
i like playing who do you know. alot.
makes me feel special when I make a connection with someone I've never met before.
that, and it gives something to talk about.
yeh but then it blows yer mind away kuz yer like wow, YOU know SAMANTHA?! and then we are forced to be friends whether we like it or not and then we are like, i hate you, go back to baltimore, whatever.
im a chronic mastubator.
maybe its my age. 23.
the way i see it, my parents already had kids by my age and were married. maybe it biological, and i should be out spreading seed. evolutionary, or something. being prime.
yes i agree, my parents were young too when they had me and my bro.
i watch the day after tommorow the other day in a motel room for $10.99 US as they were calling for potential tornados. that was fun. I was going to be pissed if the power went out as I was watching it.
and, when the movie was over, I watched a program called STORMY WEATHER on the WEATHER CHANNEL. and while they were showing crazy footage of the dangers of a flood, up came a real warning for a flash flood in a some part of the united states.
coincedence is great.
makes me aware of surroundings.
inny / outty?
pepsi / coke?
grumpy? eat celery with whiz cheese. you'll feel better.
if not, fuck you.
well. I'm lame.
so long for now, ps i havent had booze in three days now. xo raylau
Friday, August 27, 2004
she cut her hair to make devil horns and then her mums had to do the bangs thing and now she is like me-incarnate and we played all over the lawn with the magic wand and turned each other into refriderators and faeries and into lions and kitty cats and we painted together and toasted marshmallows and i built the craziest fire, on the hippie commune.
you fuck with raymi, you fuck with rocky. heh.
oh and ps we hocked the ring and i bought a tigerligre rug with it and a little wooden man.
I could watch that video of you all day. I can't put my finger on it, but somehow you come across as a much more mature woman than early twenties, then you do the "head lice" joke and shake your hair and you could be sixteen. It's so intriguing. You have a fascinating demeanor. Have you looked into acting? I don't know whether or not you can act, but you have a "look," that's for sure. And no, while you are undeniably hot, I am not doing anything weird while I watch it. It's just...interesting. Sorry people have been dickheads to you. Make more video when you can -- it really works for you.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
ppppppps prepare for your worlds to be unglued, this ain't no crazy drama of mine this is yers and yer spirits and yer secret laughs. yes i am better than you. this is what yer drug-addicted crazy lives does do dur. f u. f the u to the fuck out of you. all of you. you tried you failed. i am power straight-up and here it is. know who yer messing with this time around. i was nice.
i'm a target i think.
yer a target. i know.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
james has lots of time on his hands to put little blythe's head on my stupid body and be all "naughty blythe" strip. heh. but anyway he is awesome and so is his sally and did i tell you he has a unicycle and we use to hang at some diner and slam our change down on the counter a lot and eat fries and smoke cigarettes because his brother invented cancer and like is in some culty thing about stuff and some junk and it drives his shoelaces crazy? anyway, vaginas are in my face right now and they are saying, "we smell like victory" and then the sloppy triangle went moo. and ps i still think i am the one who thought up the name sidewalk vagina, the name i mean. james fucking email me about that, remember we was walking around i was being all random and jewish that day and yeh, correct or confirm me.
i'm a "sick" girl, just leave me alone.
for you but mostly for me.
my "grandiose ego" is not impossible.
i am not a biggot i am not a racist i'm a chill pill in your guise in your disguise so just let me rise and fail on my own from my own potential moral demise.
know that i love thee all of thee come what may, despite what i say, even though you are gay, in your own fucking way it's what's gotta be for the pay and play.
assumptions kill. remember that. remember we. remember you, and, your up-bringing, shitty or not, your own pain and my pain, it's quite the same and i only hope and wish that somewhere, somehow, somewhen, someplace, it will be plain as day and officially the train of it all, my preach to you all along, all i ever wanted, all i ever needed, heeded, creeded, my loves, is that we could just listen to each other, love one another, live one another, dig each other, not take advantage of the happy and the sad and the mad and the rad and the money, the honey, bunny?
don't lie to me ever again.
don't sigh to me ever again.
don't try to die to me ever again and mindfuck me and secretly think and assume things, to me, ever, a, gain.
assume for two seconds with your eyes closed that all informations eventually come my way and that i get it, i fully get it, i, get, it.
and that i eat and sleep and feel right despite, all of this, and that and the other.
you tried and i hand-clap that shit, i try and back your trip, because yes, it is, your trip and now i release you, to the universe.
you are no longer my responsibilities.
don't mix your ego with that of my own.
i tried so much and i failed and you still backstab me and i still love you, so.
i am crazy yes, crazy for life, crazy for pleasing everyone first and me last and it is not until i am crying on the floor, choking on my sadness and anger and hurt and dissedness, not until then, that i go, ok, they are cut the fuck off but still the very next day i go ok now it is everybody's second chance let's have a go now.
bunny you lied to me anti you lied to me tim you lied to me cheryl you lied to me keep whatever you took stole raped pillaged whatever from me. be thankful, that i, for now am choosing to not air that diryy shizer of each and every one of your true characters, ok. it makes me sad so much at myself for allowing this garbage into my life and into that of my family's, most of all.
shame on you.
each and everyone of you.
what did i do to you exactly, huh? eh?
think about it, seriously. really, think about it, ignore the blogs and the gossip and everything and your drugs and your sadness and jealousy bitterness, ulterior motives, fucking, take a look at you and forget the fuck about me, forever.
my ego is the size of the world no no no my ego is my heart and then the head follows and you know that.
i owe you nothing so don't come knocking i gave my all, all the time.
empathize with yourself because you are the only one who can do something like that.
i trusted the world with my heart and my head and my life and look what happened here.
i'm a pacifist liberal.
Monday, August 23, 2004
stand the fuck by me
When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we see
No I won't be afraid
No I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darling, darling stand by me
Oh, now, now, stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me
If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountain should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry
No I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darling, darling stand by me
Oh, stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me
Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me
Oh, now, now, stand by me
Oh, stand by me, stand by me, stand by me
Darling, darling stand by me
Stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me
i like it when people think certain things about me that are not reality - it's so flattering and not at all annoying and i shake my head yes yes yes when i read their words and i hear them say it i go you are SO right open up the window and let some of the right out.
that's me up there, prepping for the raymimpics, otherwise known as the special olympics.
and i forget what the event was.
i think i was just a water girl or something or suppose to b eand i got so excited i backflip-somersaulted into the bookshelf on the bed and zak was all, we're outta here sister and i was all ya whatever you are wearing my sweater, i invented it.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
dune and bob show
go there and figger out how to get them radio thing on yer 'puter 'cos then you can hear raymi talk to kansas widgituh every sunday about how lame hooters is and how i'm a big no talent ass-clown and im kinda nervous to call but whatever and other junk.
oh yeh it's every sunday 6-8 pm eastern time. i'm callin' in about 7 or so.
From : baron
Reply-To : baron
Sent : August 22, 2004 1:34:10 PM
To : Raymi Lauren
Subject : Re: kerplunk
i meant everything i said and i mean everything i'm going to say now:
you cannot control the idiocy and actions and bullshit in other
people. and man, have i tried. i've tried to preach. i've tried to
give a shit about people (an ex). i've tried to help people "realize
themselves" or whatever. and it doesn't work. i can't respect anyone
more than they respect themselves. you can't wish someone into
understanding something they'll never get.
and you are much too complex for most, and that isn't flattery, it is
the truth, and it's easy for me to tell because i've been there. and
i'm not bragging and going, oh look how different we are from the pigs
and the pigfuckers. there's a reason why there is such a thing as
"the average life" and there is a reason why in this world there are
bukowskis, picassos, courtney loves, ghandis and raymis. and life,
REAL life, as you yourself have testified, is both beautiful and ugly
and bad and good. a lot like you. there is no value to be placed on
any of those qualities. those who believe that only any one of those
extremes make up their lives and who they are, live lies and
dunno if this offers any comfort to you or perhaps can help you cope
somehow, but i lately finally concluded that maybe the only thing i
can control is my behaviour and my choices. someone needs to be a
fucking idiot, i let them. they're just off my radar. life's too
short to be caught up in the drama and the horseshit. i decided to
get off my meds because i was tired of being trapped in a grey room
with a low ceiling and having my emotional spectrum narrowed from two
extremes to two non-extremes. i couldn't write and i needed my
feelings back. so i learnt to cope by avoiding triggers and
and you know what? i fucking fail. all the time. sometimes
miserably. but hey, i try. just like you try. trying is the biggest
thing. showing up counts the most. fuck, raymi, you are showing up
every day you stand in the face of all the shit that's going on in
your life and decide to write and exorcise it, or just sit down and
feel it. you don't pretend you're better than or above feeling the
things that make you a living, breathing human being; that's what i
fucking dig and respect. you feel it because it's in you, you let it
run, and you are the anal fistfuck to the new age, armchair
psychology, "i am too good to feel angry or sick or suicidal or ____"
lie that so many try to delude themselves into thinking passes for an
illusion of self-respect.
you have more self-respect and truth than the myriad of cunts you will
run into as soon as you step outside your front door. if that makes
you a cunt to some people, so be it. this whole ex boyfriend thing,
whatever--i read his shit and there's a man who made his own choices
and now he wants people to feel sorry he made the "wrong" ones. kiss
my ass. now he wants to play blame games and excuse his part in all
of it, and pretend he's so fucking noble? and the people surrounding
the situation, with their comments, and their opinions, and their
fucking insights, what kind of investment do they have in it, anyway,
other than being glued to someone else's lives because it's so much
easier to be the voyeur than the exhibitionist.
i mean, do you have shit to learn? fuck yes. there is an ocean of
shit you still haven't learnt. me too. that's 'cos you're fucking
alive. be glad for it. to be alive and sit on a throne of
whatever|nothing and think you've got it all down, like some of these
people have implied about themselves, like they're all so cool and so
enlightened, is the kind of death i bet you wake up everyday in your
life living to avoid. eventually these shitheads will "grow up", work
for the man and become widgets in the system they pretend to live on
the fringe of because life beat the fight out of them. you,
though...you. you'll sink with the ship. or sail away. either way,
if you don't happen to respect and admire the fuck out of yourself,
then know that i do. if you don't interest yourself, know that i'm
interested as hell.
it's so much easier to watch someone else's life through the window
pane than to go live your own. you live it. that's what makes you
who you are.
so listen, keep on keeping on. blog cos i think it gives you an
outlet to get some things out. i write screenplays. partly because i
want to, partly because i have to write something somehow. it's not
just a passion, it's a need. and whatever move you make next, whether
it's a new name or a new persona or whatever, that's all good. i get
the inkling, though, that it's impossible for you to avoid it somehow
someway becoming the real you, because that's just who you are. maybe
you'll let me in on the experiment, anyway.
anyway, i'm sorry, i went on and on. i don't know. maybe something
in me clicked with you and i felt like i have a lot to say. i've been
reading you for a while now. started way back when, off and on, then
get back into you lately. i hope i didn't overstep some kind of line,
or come closer than appropriate, or just plain spoke more than i
it's cool to have connected with you. i feel honoured and privileged.
On Sun, 22 Aug 2004 12:00:49 -0400, Raymi Lauren
> i really needed to hear that
> i have been thinking of stopping my blog everyday for the last two weeks
> things are so stressful for me right now
> i lose it all over the place and i argue with everyone around me because i
> cant handle humouring them with their ridiculous crap i just cant shut up
> like ever
> like yer wrong, yer VERY wrong and i am right so SHUT UP or i say the exact
> thing that they know is true and the thing they try and avoid telling
> themself all their life
> i call it out 3 minutes after having met them and then i am evicted from the
> so what
> some people have to be told
> and it is the one's who can't be told that i have to tell the most
> i just want to delete my brain sometimes
> but then a minute later i am like
> this is why i am me and what separates me from them
> but then i always feel like a target
> i remember john lennon
> i just want to live
> i dont want to preach anymore
> there is so much badness i cant see the goodness
> but then i look into the face of my neice and i run around the lawn with her
> and i think i have to be around for her i have to tell her everything i know
> so my next move is modelling and making a brand new name
> not my real name not raymi not anything to do with the real me
> i dont want the new people to know the real me
> that garbage can surface later
> like they'll go why do u look like you are 40 when u are 25? oh that's
> right, it's because this this and this.
> i dont want to talk anymore or give anyone advice unless it is my neice or
> my cat or a banana.
> thank you so much baron, you saved the raymi blog, for now
> >From: baron
> >Reply-To: baron
> >To: Raymi Lauren
> >Subject: Re: kerplunk
> >Date: Fri, 20 Aug 2004 11:12:53 -0700
> >well you are a fucking flower of carnage. i think of you, i think of
> >the yeah yeah yeahs. i think of the bride in kill bill, only
> >demented. you're slightly frightening, slightly hard to know but that
> >sounds so ironic doesn't it, when you put it out there for everyone to
> >see. maybe that makes it scary for some or even most. you are likely
> >equally loved and equally hated, but you probably rather that than
> >just being something so innocuous as "well-liked by all". you're
> >friends with your shadow, you don't keep her locked in the basement.
> >you look terrific naked. you are stark beautiful. but this isn't
> >projection, it's fact.
> >and i think you're exquisitely sensitive. pick up things most people
> >miss. which makes you a fucking interesting-as-hell writer because
> >you have such a singular worldview. but i know what being exquisitely
> >sensitive is like, when the brain screams like a hive and won't quit.
> >you want to blow everything to pieces but you try to keep it together
> >anyway. and sometimes, you fall short of the glory but you're not at
> >all afraid of the fact. and it makes you more brave than most.
> >you asked.
> >your darling maggot
> >On Fri, 20 Aug 2004 13:54:13 -0400, Raymi Lauren
> > > engage away
> > > project away
> > > i love to hear it
> > > you know i do
> > >
> > > my ass makes baby jesus cry - raymi
> > >
> > > yes link please and ill link back
> > > send me link
> > >
> > > >From: baron
> > > >Reply-To: baron
> > > >To: firstname.lastname@example.org
> > > >Subject: kerplunk
> > > >Date: Thu, 19 Aug 2004 16:28:36 -0700
> > >
> > >
> > > >
> > > >your stuff blows me away with its rawness and energy and i would like
> > > >to link you if it's okay.
> > > >
> > > >i'm addicted to reading your shit. part of it is the drama but most
> > > >of it is the honesty, the ugliness that you're not afraid to hide, and
> > > >just how very rare that is. i don't know, i could project all kinds
> > > >of things and engage in transference but i'd rather not, and instead
> > > >just simply say i dig you.
> > > >
> > > >great ass, by the way.
> > > >
> > > >peace out,
> > > >baron
> > >
i found two beers in the fridge like ten seconds after i told my dad i am gonna quit drinking today, so i'll stick with the initial quit drinking monday shit. and he just came in the door with some food so i have to be all stealth and hide the booze when i go into the crisper and the place where the eggs hang out in the refridgerator now, fock and he'll say what are you doing and i'll say looking for lettuce of course oh look some bacon, dururururr.
and i am quitting smoking tomorrow. i have five belmonts left and i wasn't going to tell anyone kuz i didnt want 40 emails or comments going good luck u can do it, i dont want anyone to say anything at all because this is the first time i have said to myself since i was 15 that i was going to quit smoking. i don't want to tell people because then when i fuck up or have a drag here and there and then i full on start smoking again those 40 emails will be something like you are a loser.
i don't say things that i plan to do unless i know for fact they will come to seed.
so i know i won't fail at quitting smoking and i know i won't fail at quitting beer and booze, you know. i already haven't smoked the marijuana since early july and i have zero desire to smoke it ever again. well, except of course for when i see certain movies and hear certain songs, but whatever.
and i know not smoking and drinking is gonna make me lost it a bit in the happiness factor because i have also decided to cut cold turkey my zoloft, deeeeepreshin pills because i have to embrace this sadfunk that is my life, those pills are making me hypo-manic these days and it is just ridiculous.
i have also been taking the mod lithium as well and i think i'll take a whole pill instead if half, we'll see how it all works out, because when i miss zoloft i see black and white spots and i walk into stuff and i am like, woah.
so possibly i won't be able to quit smoking just yet, well tomorrow i will but i'll have to start up again because i will be very fucking sad for awhile and it'll show, i won't be standing around going s'ok s'ok im ok raymi is ok ok?! but you let's talk to you focus on you me? fuck me. forget me.
le fucking sigh
sorry guys i'm figuring this out as i write this now and i keep eyeing the can of labatt behind the laptop screen and this truely is the last day of booze for awhile and i think i may start crying like how i cried over weed and angelo can attest to that. heh. there is even photographic evidence.
me and my addictive personality just like, spoils me.
i walk around going guys what organ is this and i point at my stomache and sometimes it is my liver or it is my kidney or my intestines and i go why is my gut lopsided why do i have chest pains all of a sudden i never had them before why does it hurt when i do sit-ups.
i have to stop polluting my soul.
but for now, it is beer o'clock.
oh and i also have some sketchy news to report on my paro-state-of-mind + posts traumatic stress and the like.
stay tuned or something.
maybe you made the wrong choice like you said you did on aim last week and maybe you still don't get it that she thinks you are a chump and you are still trying still
maybe you should see what you did to me because yes i see what i did to you
but i never hid from you and i never said fuck you to your whole damn country and i don't get anyone to email you or call you or comment to you to stick/stand up for me and i don't go all over the place doing this and i don't agree with your ex girlfriends and say yeh i really think that they treated you nicely when you tell me that they walked all over you and/or cheated
i don't demand my friends to back me 100 per cent like that ever i let them decide for themselves
i don't do all this terribly nasty slander campaigns all over msn and email and email commenters from your blog and then say to you LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE NOBODY CARES
because you're right nobody cared/s
until YOU made them
i almost texted you last nite to say i see it now i see how hard it was for you i really truely do but then a bird called me and i was like whaaat whaaat WHAT
you're precious, really, you are
stop ripping me off get your own identity get off your vain game of pain
remember i was honest with you save for that one thing and i listened to everything you said and i nevever ever lied once on my blog so why would i start now
that's not me and it never was and it will never be
seriously this time me leaving you alone entails you leaving ME the fuck alone and every single person on the web affiliated with you me us them this that there, got it
do not instill fear because seriously the shit i got on you is up there along with the shit on me
we could have been friends
we should have been friends
you could have been rational and adult-in-nature
i loved you i love you