Raymi

im only 12 but i want to be like younot givin a dahm and fuckin every guy that likes you ( no affence) but i really want to e like you and my motto is ur neva to young for somethin newut heres my problem there is this guy i told him im 14 and im in 8th gr hes not that hott but hes 16 and still virgin hes crazii i knoe but i rlly like him but he has gurl.. listen to this ova the internet is too funni he always talks to her always!!!! anyways thees another guy in my skoool who has a gurl and hes reall hott!! i need advice on how i can get them BOLTH!!
i want to be just like you... not sayin that ur bad you sound really kool i need help

jennifer!!!



ok that disturbed me, when i was 12 i was not plotting how to screw boys, i was fantasizing about rock stars and writing about that, i didn't have this thing called msn, i didn't even have the friggin' internet, my friend dan did and we'd go there to write emails to random businesses on the web and the emails were something like this, "You're a homo and you suck your own penis and you are so ugly and you're gay!"

you know, mature stuff like that, and then we'd rip the hell out of the company, i think one sold fishing rods or something and we made lewd fishing rod comments, and then dan's dad got an email about the whole thing and dan got in trouble but not really, well sort of, 'cos we were suppose to be working on our geography project but janet kept walking in and telling me she was fat and i was like no u aren't shut up you are pretty dur dur dur

anyway, this jennifer girl who emailed me, i refuse to respond, i am actually considering abolishing the how to be a slut article because people have taken it way too seriously and i am still being emailed about it but now it's coming from little girls? sometimes men will email me and ask my advice about their wives screwing around on them and then i write long emails about what signs to look for when really the problem is they are just not meant to be or their needs aren't being met, i dunno.

the world is fucked and so are people and they are all on the internet and they are all looking at porn and cheating on each other and now little jennifer is wanting to be just like me, so, now what?

oh and ps jennifer i do not fuck every guy that likes me, i apologize if it appears to be that way, but it isn't that way, i am actually quite a loyal person, these days especially, and i wanted you to know that.

damnit.

now i have to decide if i am going to wash my face or not or if i should go get coffee or juice or eat something or take advil though it's all of the above the washing of the face is the one that gets me

if you know me personally then you'll know i am of the dirtbag-persuasion and that stems from the following:

1. lazyness
2. lazyness
3. too busy talking about lazyness
4. too busy making "funny" comments or thinking them wanting to write them down or taking photos of the same stuff everyday but maybe this time it will look better?
5. not caring but caring only about how much other people will know i am wearing make-up on top of make-up because of



6. lazyness
7. sdfihdsfhdsvnewirtu43598743
8. i am hungry
9. shut up
10. i hate that the number ten is a two-digit number and now my list isn't congruent
11. i will at least brush my teeth
12. this list is awesome



13. well it is the weekend so it doesn't matter how trashy i look
14. right, this isn't toronto, there are important rich people walking around with their families
15. DAMMIT!%$#@*
16. i could wear my ninja outfit
17. ok that is just weird
18. though pretty funny plus i am laughing out loud, sort of
19. i wish cats could speak
20. asshole cats

so ya, i guess i was always manic, i just thought about this three half-seconds ago, i was thinking about how i can hammer out all this thought-tangent nonsense really fast and it was like that in school too - i wanted to do it as fast as possible and i didn't care how shitty it looked, it was perfect in my eyes and i didn't care if ms. HAG wanted me to draw that mountain less-ugly i was like screw that mountain look at that seal, that seal is WICKED! and she was like, F.

kidding, she gave me a B and i was down with that because it was close to recess and i was in enrichment anyway and soon to be the valedictorian on account of my loudmouth "getting along with everyone though annoying the crap out of everyoneness"

this chump tole my mum oh isshe gonna coast on that valedictorian crap forever?

yes chump, i am, because you were not a valedictorian and that's why you are ripping me for it, and i don't give a cuss-word that this was in grade-school, i don't give a cuss-word period and that is why i reminisce about school because i did and said a lot of funny stuff and i was picked on and teased just as much as everyone else and i am young still and i remember a lot of things so i write them down and talk about them to entertain myself and others, not to brag or to indulge



'cos when my mum told me they had chosen me i was confused because i didn't think i deserved it because by grade eight i was slaaacking 'cos i was so miserable and under-challenged and by then teacher's had grown-accustomed to my bs and offering to read my assignment first because i was too impatient to sit there with the thing in front of me on my desk not being shared, it was like fire, @#$%, get it off my desk now, my peers have to hear what i wrote last nite, they have to hear it now

anyway

i was flat and had a big nose and i was tall and sort of skinny but then started being all insecure about my body weight 'cos of those dumb girl magazines and because i was a brainer though a COOL brainer, people hated me more i guess so my phsyical flaws were their blessings, you know, chumpface?

this post was only suppose to be a ten numbered list with that funny engrish picture and now look at it.

i felt pretty lame showing up like a ninja alone because EV couldn't handle being out because the one person he wanted to be with he just couldn't be with and i got that feeling you get when someone is crying and they can't have you there seeing them but they need you to hug them but they don't at the same time and you are awkward in the car in a ninja outfit with a plastic sword and your backpack and jacket and it is raining and your friend is crying and says you just have to leave

well i got that feeling, that asshole-idiot feeling that i had let him down, that i couldn't make him not cry because i have this stupid little gift of making people remember pain and i get them to think about emotions and stuff because i am all analytical and then i just go and ruin everything



and after they tell me i don't want to talk about it or think about it i do or say other things to try and cover up the thing we are not suppose to be talking and thinking about and so it was hard because i knew he was already thinking it because i know i was but i was running around preparing and i knew he was going to ditch and i was fine with that



but there i was in town walking to the spot instead of fil's because i had to unleash my ninja-ness because all of a sudden i was feeling really impressed with myself and the world was not at all bleak and though i was feeling greatful for the convenience of the spot, but moreso happy to know there are people around i can bump into and talk about anything and they listen, sort of, and then they say something and i listen, sort of though there is a huge insecurity of the people who do this hopeful bumping into each other at various spots because you are all shy and polite and go may i please speak with you because i am patheticly complex and miserable and sometimes if they are already wasted they will let you and sometimes they won't because they are just not into it and that's why you have an arsenal of books and pens and stuff or a newspaper



but everyone talks to everyone eventually because drunk people are nice people because they are sad people and that's why they are drunk

they didn't choose drinking because it's cool to drink and makes you win a coors lite golf weekend with ten trillion rock bands playing it and unicorns with maxim magazine models with all their amazingly hospitable friends going BLAAARW YAH BOOOOOZE WE'RE SO TOTALLY ROCK AND ROLL GOLF PLAYERS NOW!

ok well maybe that is how they started drinking

what i meant to say was



they continue to drink because they are lonely and sad and do not have rock and roll golf player friends to hang out with so they go to nice little pubs and talk to indignant and hilarious blokes who hate everything about everything because they have been screwed by the man or by their wives or sons or they were the one who made it all go wrong and now they drink away their memory and change it so it wasn't their fault, who cares, they have all been hard-done-by and we all are not pretty enough or smart enough, tall enough, we don't measure up and so we drink and talk about the day when they will get together and do something about it all



anyway, happy halloween.

TOP TEN CHILDREN'S BOOKS NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE NATIONAL LIBRARY ASSOCIATION

10. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. The Boy who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

8. Legends of Scab Football

7. Teddy: The Elf with a Detached Retina



6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer

5. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can't Remember the Endings to All of Them

4. Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Purse



3. Things Rich kids Have That You Never Will

2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off

1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

this post was plagiarised from THE "LATE NIGHT with DAVID LETTERMAN" book of TOP TEN LISTS, 1990.

so we ate french cheese from canada and tried to watch twist but it was too drab and depressing so we watched meangirls instead and we drank fancy vodka and cream soda and got all sleepy and were total dirtbags oh yeh we had sushi and then we watched some footage of hanna doing a show at the royal york and the camera guy she hired was total crap and i am going thru videos of yesterday's auditioners and making fun of a lot of them i'll transcribe all the notes i made from yesterday tomorrow because i am a nicegirl.

i havent even washed my face and i am walking around in wool socks the weather is kinda crappy, people keep calling me to figure out what is happening tonite, tomorrow, the nite after, this whole halloween-thing is kinda stressful, the whole making-an-effort of it, i mean.

last year's halloween jamie and i walked around looking at people wearing costumes and we hung out in that harlot-tavern and i poured hot candle-wax on the tables and we peeled it off and made cubes out of it and i let him take pics of me 'cos i was starting to feel confident again, well i had to, i was in nyc, you know?

i had coolhandluke's sweater and black hair again and this green jacket that wasn't all tagged with raymi-crazy graffiti on it and i talked to the blond girl on msn for the first time after all that draaaaama and then to tina and he was all excited over it, and now i know why he was all excited over it.

so i was there for a week and i didn't leave jamie's apartment i just sat on the couch with pillows what fall off of it, jamie would come home from work and i would make like i hadn't been chainsmoking all day long staring at the bodyshopsketchbags across the street.

now i would have left the apartment had there been extra keys, had there been extra keys, i prolly wouldn't have left the apartment anyway, had i been more ambitious i would have just met jamie in the city instead of being an invalid.

true called sometimes and we met up and true was very nice and flattering and i was taken aback because i was so not in that big-ego raymi thing, i was feeling so not, anything.

i felt nothing, i felt things i felt sad, but that sadness came from the inability to feel, and my hair fell out because i was getting over an abortion and had extra weight on because of these you-are-so-totally-not-right medication because you try to friggin' hard to be happy and make other people happy and now look at you.

anyway, i want to say thank you to everyone, even if you just read me and never say anything to me, or we've met and you've let me hold your hand, or you have lent me a nickel, or you let me have you over and wait on you while you watch dumb things or read my books, thank you for being a part of my world.

weird how that got all gay like that.

October twentieth-something, close to halloween (i got a ninja costume) 2004 8:15pm

i pay attention less and less to what date it is, funny how i use to care about that sort of thing. i was all fanatic over it and now there are just too many people i have in my life to keep track of 'em all - birthdays, long-weekends, holidays, events, television shows, fashions...

and the older i get the more bitter i feel but mostly i am just bitter towards myself for not having changed the world yet tho' i have written in an online journal with photographs of myself and sort of established a base of readers of sorts



and i do not like the term "cult-following" because it is insulting to the "cult followers, readers, people who are appreciative of the work/art that is my life"

i am more of an accessibility than the type-regre "celebrity" though i guess that's what makes me a "cult icon"? perhaps i am just deluding myself into thinking that people around the world actually give a shit about me and what i have to say.



anyway i think that guy who loves tony pierce is here now. i convinced him to hang out and buy me beer because i am broke and lonely and hey, if all the other bloggers do it why can't/shouldn't i?

though i am not the typical let's all meet off the www. blogger anymore, i use to be, i use to do the shit out of that sort of thing but now i am all neurotic and considerate of people's feelings and i don't like to use them and get them to mail me cookies and stuff, that's chate.

having a blog is a gauranteed lay and if you are linked to my blog or tyranny or tony then you are going to have s e x.

screw that.



days later - anyway, i met up with the blogkid and turns out he is all attractive and positive and stuff and he bought me chocolates and talked about europe and writing and i was all negative sort of, i mean, he was so idealistic it was shocking, it was like he was sent from some planet to show me what i was like when i was 16 and seducing old men and going I AM WRITING A BOOK... honestly, who is doing the seducing, the 16 yr old?

well sort of.



all i have to say is, whoever said orange was the new pink was totally a fag.

and ps, fags!

pps - i hope yer all making the right decisions out there.

today i told the boss that he has a massive g-spot in his prostate because he was asking about homosexuality and i was all i bet i could convince you to be with a man and he was all unnngh? and then his face turned red and hanna laughed her ass off and was all um i don't want to be thinking about that and i said well it waaaas innapropriate but still it was, hilarious because you are all uncomfortable and i have my pants pulled up over my knees and i am showing off the bruises on my legs and my argyle socks because i have had a lot of coffee and then i did a cartwheel and turned into pixie dust, the end.

Grow Up and Blow Away

Floating the room
Two by two
From the womb
To the holiday
There is no holiday
First double-cross her heart
He wants to start a family
Needing something to go on

If she weren't writing in blood
She'd bring him her jokes
A new liver
And a shovel for the mud
If he were not knee-deep in mud
He'd bring her his drugs
He'd get her a typewriter

If this is the life
Why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...



If this is the life
Why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...

Nobody knows which street to take
He took the easy way
What was the easy way?
First double-cross her heart
He wants to start a family
She always thought she would not.

If she weren't writing in blood
She'd bring him her jokes
A new liver
And a shovel for the mud
If he were not knee-deep in mud
He'd bring her his drugs
He'd get her a typewriter

If this is the life
Why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...

If this is the life
Why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...



First double-cross her heart
He wants to start a family
Her body is the baby.

If this is the life
Why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...

If this is the life
Why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...

Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...

i write better when there is a cigarette in my mouth because then i know i have something to look forward to



there was this kid who went out for halloween as a lobster when he was 13 and he had a knife taped to the inside of his left thigh. smart kid, a forward thinker, to be frank. you never know when shitbag kids are gonna be all up on your candy, right? anyhow, he got "rolled" for his candy so he fuckin' beat it down the block after those assholes and pulled out his lobster knife and said gimme my mutha effin' candy back and the shitbag gave it to him and then lobsterboy stole the shitbag's candy and was all, "ha ha halloween is for chumps."

the moral of the story is don't friggin' jump kids for their candy, that's annoying and mean and you get what you fucking deserve if you do something like that.

lobsterboy didn't knife the guys because lobsterboy knew that lobsters don't knife people, they pinch them, idiot.



cudbyerbrand

and ps shoes have been randomly scattered, as in, when i kick off my gear wherever it lands is arty, by accident, so then i take a picture of it and everyone is wow you are talented and clever and i am like, thank you so you's knows i don't pose my photographs like how some faggy art-installer might spend hours and hours going ooh that position might cast a shadow, we cannot afford that now can we, shmeeble. GOD Shmeeble don't you listen to anything i ever say to you? the only thing i pose is blythe, because she is a whore, and loves it.

hung with adan and company last nite and we talked about whoring around and how he is all unhappy over it and we think it's 'cos of the change of seasons 'cos everyone wants a boyfriend/girlfriend right now to cuddle around and be all winter-fat with.

i know. lame.

we're such a needy species.

and the whole time i was being all i understand this i understand that you are stressed 'cos of this dur dur dur and i am looking around the room at people and trying to figure them out and this one guy makes a point to go bye adan out the door he goes and adan says i have never seen that guy before in my life i don't know who the fuck he is and i said well he obviously was touched by you and made a point to remember who you were so maybe you should pay attention to people

some annoying crap like that

and adan really didn't care he only wanted a hug

we also complained about b-rad and how he has some girl and now adan is annoyed 'cos it means he has to look at himself and his life and go oh ok i can't keep all these hussies it is expensive and it makes me sad

so i offered hang out platonic time

and he was all, yeh this sadness-thing will be over in three days no thanks, basically

and i was fine with that

so we parted ways and now adan is at work talking to roughly 300 people on the phone all day long getting contracts for music groups and finding the venue, something with finances, whatever, he's like tom cruise in vanilla sky, going to inherit the company anyway, tho' it doesn't mean the job ain't draining and tough

i take people as seriously as they take themselves and then a little bit more

happy wednesday.

i suggest you guys go see the grudge in theatres now.

it's vurry scurry.

-phlegm factory.

Hello, i have alterior motives. i want a free pair of campers because i live in this snooty moneytown after living in Brooklyn, Toronto, the UK, Maine...anyway, this is the town of disposable income and i am the coolest person in town because i stick out, i am marketable and i am rude and i am broke but you wouldn't know it. some other shoe company gave my friend tim a free pair of shoes 'cos his look fit their demographic, whatever. anyway, i have been obsessed with campers for three years now and i have owned other rip-off brands because i cannot afford your shoes...



i have a website and a global cult following, it's like a reality me journal with photos and tons of content and i've been doing it since 1999, it is now 2004 and i am 21 years old, still bitter..tra la. so if you sent me a pair of shoes they's be on the site because i would wear them religiously and i would not tell people i got them for free. raymitheminx.com is the sitething. thank you for your time and i do not apologize for the hasty way it was typed. oh yes, all of the right people read me, yes, even famous people. xo raymi/lauren



Dear Lauren

Thank you for contacting with Camper.com

In response to your mail, we are sorry that we are unable to assist as requested in your message. We wish you all the best in your endeavours.

Best regards,

Camper Web Team

www.camper.com



Ironic how i get this repsonse after my whole whiny tirade about the rich staying richer and all that shit.

pfft.

should i write back to them or give up?

you write them for me and be all, STUPID IDIOTS! she is going to eternally lose her crap now.

i'm resigned to rejection by now, now i just find it amusing how not one person gets it, i am pitching a new-wave marketing thing-a-ling and everyone is just, guh?



steal my ideas, i dare you, good luck, my suggestion is to not have a blog with swearing in it, drug-talk, booze-talk, depression-talk, nudity, vulgar anger rants about nothing other than how much you are annoyed by society and then you do absolutely nothing to change it other than complain more and more and get everyone else all huffy and then there are a bunch of angry useless people just all angry and shit



and then you are like please advertise on this blog because everyone loves it

and campers is all, no way jose you have herpes!

that is me looking friggin' evil before i dragged ward to the tits and vagina club with aimee and the quad of manfriends waiting there and the first thing i said was that i had to take a crap and i left the smoking area to do just that and i was waiting in the bathroom that is all skiddish because establishments have zero respect for the women getting 'em all this business and the men's room has a fuckin' bouncer that sucks your dick for you when you wash your stupid fucking manhands while i am waiting in the stripper lavatory behind butts and hair looking at themselves in the mirror putting on all the make-up in the entire universe and ignoring the crap out of me and then i get up on stage and give strippergirl some money for your male beneficial-entertainment but mostly for that of my friend's but still, i am a paying customer just like you are so the question is, where in the shit is MY bouncer to be sucking MY dick at?

oh that's right, your mama's!

hay-oh!

oh and ps, people who are afraid to be emailing gmail accounts because they now realise that everything stays on the server even when it is deleted so these tardbags are the same ones who have something to hide and think that if they email hotmail or yahoo they are undetectable, pfft.

pps you can still email me though because i would never do anything to make you look bad, ever. people email me all the time and say why was i so afraid to email you so intimidated tra la la and i am like i dunno i am kind of mean and bitchy sounding and if i am irritated at the time of email communicae i might say something hotheaded but that doesn't mean anything, really, it just means i am a prick and you should not get all huffy about it, you should say something back to me because i am bored and pathetic and an opinionated no-talent ass-clown and you should try and shoot me down however, if you are all anonymous over it, this ruins everything, kuz then all i am making fun of is some dinky email address that you spent a whole hour thinking up a name for.

winner.

and yeh i remember i talked all this shit about gmail doing the thinking for me before but now i am at a point where, dude, i don't WANT to think anymore, screw, that.

jamie is a fucking genius and prolly to good to date all of you sexy ladies, he is too gentle and sincere and kind and sad and taken for granted by some stank hussy and so he cares about you and thinks about you but he mopes around taking pictures being alone and travels the world to fall in love with bicycle-riding hipster girls with fucked-up teeth and then he lets me crash on his couch for a week and not leave the apartment and chainsmoke and eat popcorn and beer and read his manuscript and the madonna sex book and make long distance phonecalls to LA to someone who didn't want to be dating me anymore anyway, the end.

Raymi:

Good morning!

I thank you for your email but more so for being such a MegaTouch fan!! You are one of several million fans who play our product on a regular basis and I do appreciate your loyalty.

I also appreciate your concern regarding the pricing of the MegaTouch but unfortunately, it is not Merit who owns and operates the MegaTouch in Prime Time but it is a local businessman. Please check on the unit and hopefully you will find their contact information and I would certainly send your thoughts to them.

I have also passed your email onto Mr. Tom Kane, VP Sales for Merit Industries who is responsible for the US and Canada. I am responsible for all other markets therefore if you have any concerns while traveling the world please feel free to contact me.

I visited your website which I found to be quite unique & entertaining.

Again, thank you for your comments and please feel free to contact me at any time.


Sincerely,

Frank Ballouz

let me tell you something about something

everyone is waiting to be discovered so you should discover them and then email them and say wow you have talent i am going to help you and recruit you because you are ridiculously intelliegent and creative and have character because you come from so much pain

and then you help them

but not in the manner in which you want to help them in you have to help them in the manner that strokes their capacity to be the same person they were that made you email them in the first place

you are not suppose to tell them to go to school to get better at what they already know how to do better than you because that is how they came to be

they merely are a different-shaped peg than the hole you already have that you want to fit them into

if this person is a slacker that is how they are because they went thru life being one doing the bare-minimum required of them because they do not care about grades in school so much

they pay attention to things that interest them and if it is not presented in an interesting enough manner than you are a failure of a teacher and you are not trying hard enough because the spark has gone away in your heart because no one properly inspired you and i am sorry about that

don't refer to this person as "interesting" and leave it at that

you are only allowed to refer to them as "interesting" and be their friend, in their life, talk to them, guide them, help them, if you make a point to understand them and then go the extra yard and say, suckafool, you are a decent investment of my time, tell me what your needs are and i will do everything in my power to help you and we will both make money from this and then you guys write up a contract together and do wha tthe contract says and if your lawyer is a shady focker than you should not be even considering this whole investment-thing

because YOU are a shady focker

the rich can't keep ripping off the poor

the rich can't keep being rich

the poor hate the rich the rich hate the poor the poor manipulate the rich the rich stands alone the rich stands alone

hi ho the merry-o

the rich stands alone

the poor fucks the rich, the rich eats more cheese, the poor gets sort of famous, the rich says i invented the poor...the poor revolt, the poor revolt....and eventually goes to jail or something....

anyway

people need to change the way they think about these types of things, these words, titles, it's such a waste of energy

what else

oh yeh, if you are a man, you will never get it because you do not know what it is like to shed the lining of a uterus and how much crazzyness that entails

all it is about women and menstruating is, they have zero tolerance for your bullshit, zero patience, nothing has changed about them other than that so you continue being males, ignoring your wife/gf and she is screaming at you about a frying pan in the sink and you are all guh?

it's because you are sitting there, always, doing. nothing.

ok back on track here, how do you properly help this person, what do you do, what do you propose?

you propose nothing other than i want to help refine you because right now you are perfect, i just want to polish you a little and no i do not want you to be the next avril lavigne, i want you to be the next you, i want you to be the margaret cho of your desired industry and you are going to come to all of my fancy yuppie meetings and dazzle everybody and no it is not necessary for you to always be around me, you are allowed to work from home and slack off all you want because i bought you an assistant and they do all the organizing for you and they are completely satisfied in doing that and eventually they will quit and write a tell-all book about you and you will sue them or threaten to write a tell-all book about them and get it published first

it is your duty as "venture capitalist" to go hey, my job sucks i have TONS of money and i am going to approach this person and not wait for them to come to me

or if you're lucky and have a smart apprentice, they find the talent and suggest it to you because they have a crush on you or know that they will also profit

moreover

EAT IT!

and i say that because i am a big pile of complaining because i am getting older and the smarter i get the dumber i act and one day i am going to just totally burn every bridge i almost had.

ps i quit.

over the summer i walked around naked a lot [sketchy bikini] kuz i was all tanned well soon to be anyway and i was skinnier kuz i knew i was not going to be happy unless i made it so i was skinnier so i had lots of caffeine and depression pills and booze and close to zero sleep and fights with the entire universe and did any and everything to keep myself busy, as long as it was self-destructive and recriminating and stressed me out and made it so i talked like courtney love all over again and made me scarey because when i talked i sounded like i believed in myself so much and that everything i said was true and right and i just came off as arrogant and fucking irritating and then being "pretty" and "skinny" and "caucasian" and "female" and "tall" and "hyper" and "younger" made everything ten times better.

i hope your sarcasm meter is turned on.

so then i am known more as crazzy the minx, or crazy the minx, "affectionately coined" in toronto by the higher ups of coolness or something and i am like that is so funny and chuckled but then i felt really bad about myself.

when i come off as arrogant like i truely believe in myself i am doing it to make you believe in me, in my being, my spirit, it's like i have to convince you that i am "a-ok" "howdy-pardner" "stranger" and so on and then i want you to take me seriously and then i want you to help me be organized and then that doesn't happen and i start ignoring you because you just want to hang out with me because i am so frigging entertaining because, i am crazzy the minx.

aimee said "FUCK YOUR BLOG! People who know you should not be reading it."

Real life people she meant and i thought about it and i agreed, just a little bit.

but still, having a blog is like existing. when you dont have one, you don't exist, and if people don't notice and read you or contact you and praise you over it you go, WHAT in the FUCK is WRONG with ME and WHY arent people PAYING to read me and sponsor all the clothes i am wearing because i know you are all reading and we could all be getting along and i could be advertising for you and making indie films for you of you and pushing you until you were the next coca cola or something.

but then, raymi would be selling out, no, raymi would be selling in, and raymi this raymi that, who fucking cares.

raymi is just a name i made up for a girl in this psyche ward and it was called the last minx and sort of becamse a self-fulfilling prophecy and it was a fluke that raymi was actually the name of this native indian cultural thing....

what is the point of all this?

there isn't one, i go in circles, that is what you are accustom to and apparently i am ok with it. pfft.

i need anger management in the worst way i need to learn how to cope and i need to learn how to ask for help without having to ask for it because i have too much pride and then when it gets to talking money i either cry or scream in your fucking face because you just don't understand permanent poverty mentality because you have never experienced it and yeh you probably have but still you don't know it how i know it or how this other person i know knows it and maybe i don't have the capacity to be a drug dealer or a scam artist everyday in a big city because i wasn't born into a situation like that and i didn't have false idols who were criminals and so i wanted to be the good guy in the movie but still i could always play the bad guy part, ten times better.

ungh.

when i start thinking about someone who has hurt me or my family or friend my brain starts pulsating and my fists clench and my whole body turns into the incredible hulk 'cos i am fantasizing about telling off that person and then i stay up all nite in my bed until the fantasy tell-off is over and it is 4am and i have to wake up early for the job i slack off at.

this guy is awesome. obviously. his name is dick shagwell and i assume he is a penis that has a website and he has arms and legs and he fucks good. or he is a fucking DICK asshole meanASS mothafucking prick pussytease and he is in pornography because he was born with a porno name and his parents said oh look, we gave birth to a porno star? and then dick shagwell said, puhlease mama, shut yo' trap and slapped her in the face and and then he jumped out of the doctor's arms and karate-chopped off his umbilical cord and was all, PAYCE! and then snoop dogg passed him a joint and he flew away on a magic carpet and had all this money and bitches all over him a lot of the time and got all annoying so he was like, i am going to lay all of you because you are dumb needy bitches and they were like PLEEEEEEEASE!

anyway i am sure he is a nice penis with arms and legs who says funny stuff to hisself and then lets us read it and he did a washrooms piece which made me all reminiscent of my piece when i was 4 years old and typed in raymibonics, sinful!

and ps gavin at rocketpack.org what's with the fucking google ads, don't make me take my farticles down.

kidding.

raymi my neck hurts so fucking much but here is a blurry picture of the face
end of me i'll send you a better one soon a non-blurry one but the big
computer is off right now and walking around the table to turn it on might
mean official crippledom

raymitheminx.com is already wellknown i got a letter from my ex-boyfriend
the other day who feels eerie that he finds us in some way strangely similar
i disagree but anyway he mentioned that he has a crush on you which i'm sure
is far from uncommon but i have to say getting letters from your
ex-boyfriend that say a) aren't you just like this other girl and b) i have
a swollen crush on her is more than a little disconcerting

not really actually, i'm mostly making up my concern. mostly i don't care
so much except that i'm slightly jealous not of him but your writing is so
good and it makes me feel a little sick

anyway here you go. send codeine to me in exchange please or percocet


oh now i remember

you are fucking beautiful, jesusfuck!

my writing isnt all that good all i do is write the truth exactly as i
am thinking it and i write with rhythym and mood and when my heart is
breaking and i write from pain...
yeh its fucking hard being me dude everyone is jealous of something
and im all jealous of them for being jealous of me and i am like
PLEASE just be my friend and dont not let me come hang out with you
kuz u think yer boy is going to fly all over me and so then i am stuck
hanging with boys all the time and we fight kuz they want to do me and
i am like STOP it all i want to do is be happy and not have to drink
all the fucking time because i am miserable because your girlfriend
wont let me be her friend and just because i am this fucking
raymitheminx shit doesnt mean a thing like yeh i want attention but
then i get it and i am like YARG all neurotic, like last nite went to
strip club and i made fun of everything and everyone because i was
uncomfortable kuz i am all growned up yet still a kid and i only want
a manfriend to be true to and him not be afraid i am going to have sex
with the entire universe, so i was all uncomfortable in the stripclub
kuz it was the first one i had been in ina very long time and i was
like dont these girls try anymore, where is the burlesque, are men
really turned on by this, i was all scientific and then as i got
drunker and drunker i turned into a man and started slamming the table
and then finally i walked onto the stage and had a fiver in my mouth
and i said to the eurohottie there is a tip for you in my sock and
then she found it and it was an american 1 and she said YOU Are SO
coool that eees SO cooool and i got up and went BLARRRRGH like a
rockstar and ran off stage and couldnt look at anyone or anything
because i was too flushed with ohmygod i had to do that i just did it
i have to drink a lot right this second and i didnt see my friends
where they were suppose to be and i was thinking FUCK they missed my
neurotic stripperliedownthing but they were right behind me and then
justin said that was worth the wait and i was like, phew.

anyway, all girls are the sam, basically and guys get freaked kuz they
are like woah why is everyone copying this raymi girl or how is it
possible they are the same - look focker, girls are the same and that
is final.

now what do you want to talk about