caption this.

ok so here is what i think about the life aquatic with steve zissou

top five words to describe the life aquatic with steve zissou

endearing
bittersweet
funny
jeff goldblum is awesome
i like the part where bill murray flicks that little lizard off his hand when he is trying to convince his wife to give him money

you can basically call this the royal tenenbaums sequel except they are on a boat and sometimes on a tiny island and some of the characters from the royal tenenbaums aren't even in the life aquatic film which is confusing a little bit but then you are like oh ya this isn't actually the sequel to the royal tenenbaums.

phew.

wes anderson is the genius behind both films. duh dur duuuuuuuuuuuuuh. so all those cute little attention to detail things you expect to see and then you see them and you are like wow that was cute.

maybe i wasn't fully paying attention because i was so pissed off at the slowness of our food arriving at east side mario's before the movie, who knows, but i didn't notice that cool song that's in the previews at all.

what. the. fuck.

you know the song where they are all walking slow-motion down the stairs together and everybody is happy and it is very dramatic and beautiful and makes you want to drop everything and go to wherever the hell they are and be walking down the stairs alongside them and have a little kid on top of your shoulders because you are a big showboat?

anyway, the trailer for the life aquatic (as do/does all trailers) crammed in every single clever moment that it could so when you are watching it finally you are like OH THAT'S FROM THE PREVIEWS I REMEMBER THAT PART YES!



regardless it is definitely worth seeing and the only reason people are shit-talking it is because they are ordinary, uncreative, high-standard snobs who are just jealous 'cos they are not wes anderson and they haven't put together a blockbuster themselves and so what if he totally ripped-off his previous films, the shit works.

like why don't you go to the lake and tell it to fuck off while you're at it.

ahem.

you come away from the life aquatic wanting to go on some big adventure and you realise that everyone with money is an asshole and you hate them and also you roll your eyes imagining next year's halloween costumes all being skinny boring hipster kids wearing those red toques and cute sweaters with the letter 'z' and being pre-angry and annoyed that you can't make that your costume because everybody is gonna be doing it so instead you're gonna dress like napoleon dynamite like everybody else 'cos at least that will be funny.

don't you hate people who dress sexy on halloween but if you don't do it then you walk around feeling unsexy and fat and your whole nite just sucks.

what else.



oh and if you are on your period you might cry at the part where they have to leave the three-legged dog with those pirate thieves because everybody wants a three-legged dog because they're missing a leg but can still run faster than you and people are always amazed and impressed by them and then you can get away with being a giant bore of a person.

the life aquatic might make you feel a little bit lonely but also will make you appreciate your everyday circle of friends and you might wear matching clothes to show everybody else who is not a part of your circle that you and the circle have a great big bond of love.

oh wait people already do that because of the GAP.

right.

and as a sidenote

i think my next job is going to be cart-collector at your local supermarket because then i can wear a big stupid winter jacket all the time even in summer if i want to and i can disappear for hours on end and then my boss will yell at me a lot because some woman will complain to him about neutrogena being way too expensive and i'll be like dooooooood shave your moustache.

the life aquatic makes you want to be simple and also helps you appreciate/respect simple but you are still jealous of jeff goldblum because he is rich but because he is zany and has scientific high maintenance type one-liners and is part gay you are all allowed to like him.

the end.

get a clubber mashed and then look at him dance. fucking hilarious.



superstitious people are stupid



gargoyles are killer

i am not allowed to listen to the yeah yeah yeahs anymore

or modest mouse

or muse

because they are all on my laptop kuz fil got a hipster ipod and so he put itunes on it and so i go thru the shit and listen to the same 4 songs over and over although there's a bunch of other interesting stuff to be listening to i just ignore it and listen to crap i already know because i am set in my ways and all other music i think sounds like it is from an elevator even though it really doesn't i just like to think that it is



i wouldn't even know anything about muse or feist or whatever if it wasn't for people like fil who are passionate about music

the only thing i am truely passionate about is writing and looking down at the sidewalk when i am walking by myself because sometimes i am painfully shy it's weird and i get nervous that someone might actually make eye contact with me and then i'll have to smile at them when i am not prepared to

ok enough emo

it s very windy out today/tonite

i almost blew right over

and then the whole time walking to the bank then back to the variety store i was worried about that happening so i walked extra carefully all hyper-aware of my walking and feeling guilty for throwing my cigarette butt in the gutter instead of butting it out on the sidewalk and depositing it in the trash like i normally do and i felt like formally apologizing to the town or maybe calling up the mayor and explaining that i only did it because of the wind and then justifying it by saying that it was gonna be washed away into the sewer anyhow and then it wouldn't be there eventually therefore no one would have to look at it

but then i remembered that the sewer water ends up in the lake eventually and i felt even worse but by then i was at the variety store and i hadn't been blown over by the wind afterall

so that was good at least



but the new thing to be worrying over is the 12 feet of gutter that is hanging in the alley off the building of fil's apt. 'cos of the snow and ice that was all heavy innit and there are nails and shit stuck in it so i envision myself later tonite/morning being hit in the face by it

from the wind

what do you guys worry about?

dear raymi

i wish i could be all rebellious and shit and be all fuck nye. i get
drunk because i want to and not because the calendar says so. im just
not pretentious enough to be one of those kids who shuns social
devices. maybe that will be my new years resolution. fuck that. my new
years resolution is to find someone who gets me without me having to
explain it to them.

jeff



with my luck tonite my liver will implode
people need other people
we need to be social because we are afraid
and the only way we can avoid being afraid is by being social
so we put all energies into that
u either have a life or u have a career and u are lucky if u can swing
both and keep all yer friends at the same time

2005 yo
from raymi

we've been renting a lot of shitty movies lately and it's not like we planned for them to be shitty on purpose. it just turned out that way. maybe it's because we're loaded the whole way through and extra critical and catty. derno.

last nite for example, it was the league of extraordinary gentlemen, and it took me maybe ten minutes to realise that it was suppose to be one of those far-fetched comic book style type films because one guy was all invisible and stuff.

i found myself almost asking if dracula was actually real then i almost asked if that whole dr. jeckyl crap actually happened but i didn't and i was proud of myself for that. sometimes i am just not at all smart and it's only because my brain works super fast and so common sense is neglected once in awhile.

i'm hoping to get some of that back after new year's when i sober up my shit.



ok so back to the crappy movie thing.

watching the special features made me feel bad for sean connery because he says oh i was offered the matrix script and i didn't understand it so i turned it down.

and then he says he was offered the lord of the rings script and he turned that down also because he didn't get it, as in the whole far-fetchery aspect.

!!!!!!

and so since both those films made a ton of sweet mula once the doorknob who scripted the league of extraordinary gentlemen approached him sean connery was all yaaaaaaaa this is gonna be a blockbuster because all this crazy stuff that i don't understand happens in it so it must be like lord of the rings.



wrong.

my professional movie watching opinion for this movie is that it was a magical piece of masturbatory comic book gay o thon waste of money and maybe if they didn't rely on sean connery's star status to carry the thing they may have cleaned up a little better at the box office. any movie where i roll my eyes at least 5 times during tells me that it is crap.

i rolled my eyes at least 20 times.

the thing is suppose to take place during 1899 but there are all these 1920s inspired costumes and even a tank and a fucking car. come on!

and i didn't see one boob or penis or bare ass!

and the invisible guy is just too clever and funny.

nobody has the capacity to be such a smart ass in 1899. sarcasm wasn't even invented yet!



we also rented anchorman.

after seeing will ferrell's performance in Elf i was expecting to laugh every 20 seconds so hard that snot would be shooting out of my nose and ears with saliva everywhere but i wasn't.

it's 'cos they were focusing on the whole women as anchorwomen equal rights crap which is fine and all, bla bla we get it, we know, but i don't want to be learning a lesson in a will ferrell movie when i am drinking and it's "the holidays". still there are funny one-liners and such but i can't remember any of them, not a one.

the only thing that sticks out is that one guy who screams when he talks and doesn't understand what is going on. that's pretty funny.

after watching napoleon dynamite, every other attempt at humour is like, don't even bother.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungh.

>From: "James" < james@sidewalkvagina.com >
>To: "Raymi Lauren"
>Subject: RE: green
>Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 16:46:20 -0500
>
>I said I was "avidly reading adbusters" again. :)
>
>It took him 3-4 days, I believe.
>
>-James
>
>ps. it's cool you posted thing to blog, though you didn't ask :P





i am above the law. everybody knows that.

ok so comments are back now though keep in mind i didn't put them up to fight with anybody so if someone is wanting to stir the pot with me don't bother because i will not acknowledge anything negative or stupid i will simply delete it and that is that. if you are going to be disagreeing with something i say that is fine, but be sure to at least leave a real email address and your own website address so we can attack you in your comments because then that would be fair, right? right. comments are for a community vibe and boredom and to share ideas and so on so please don't screw it up this time around. thank you.

Hello fellow person in blog naked

Hey,

Just thought I would write my first fan blog letter to you. I chose to write to you today because today (Dec 29,2004) you had the line "lets drink to the military" on your title, which is a line from one of my favorite bands Metric. Of course you would know that (expect for the fact that you would like it, that would be freaky). Anyways the nakedness brought me into your blog, I stayed for the writing. You and Bill Simmons (from ESPN) are my web internet writing inspirations. Since Bill Simmons doesn't write me back I thought I would write you because you might write me back. I'm from Edmonton, I have a blog too http://fookthepeople.blogspot.com and I hope you visit. And I hope you like it. If I had my digital camera with me, I would take more naked pictures like you. But I don't know if people would like that.

German

"This radio station is named Kowalski. In honor of the last American hero, to whom speed meant freedom of the soul. The question was not when he was gonna stop, but who was going to stop him" ---Primal Scream



hi german
i went to leave a comment on yer blog then a million pop ups came at
me so wtf is that all about? anyhow, i like that your name is german
and that other person's name is herman. herman and german. fucking
clever. so how old are u what do u do in edmonton do u have a job do
u go to school is it boring there do u have a drinking problem?



Ok I dunno about the pop ups, that's fucked. It doesn't happen to me. If you want to leave a comment you can also leave it in the chatty thingy on the left hand side. Yep Edmonton is terribly boring. Terribly. Like one day I want to start lightining tires on fire in front of the legislature so it can bring some excitement to this drab city. Even our protests are boring.

Yeah me and Hernan used to work together and we always get each other's phone calls. Even our girlfriends mix us up even though we are totally completely different. The guy loves Oasis. That's fucking bullshit.

I'm 24 and I work in Best Buy and yep I hate it there. I work in the Customer Service part of it where we get all the complaints. But the upside is that I get to yell at people and tell them how stupid they are and it's the only department where 70% of the staff are girls. The rest of the store is like a rampart sausage party. Quick aside, what do u think the female equivalent of the sausage party would be called? Anyways, It's only a part time job because I'm in the University and I have one more semester left till I get my degree in Education. My major is in Math and minor in Social Studies, so I know a lot about Euclidian Geometry and William Lyon Mackenzie King. Speaking of Social, loved how you put the Waldo pictures after you talked about Veterans Day, it seemed liked the Waldos were the vets. Imagine if there was an army full of Where's Waldos. That would scare the living shit out of the Nazis.

Drinking problem? The only drinking problem I have is that I don't drink enough. I'm always stuck being the DD. But it's cool too because I can get all the cool pictures of them flipping off people in Whyte Ave.

So what do you do? You talk a lot about yourself on your site but never say what you do really, expect for write cool blog entries. Anyways thanks for writing me back I totally appreciate it.

German



well i was doing some web consulting since august, kind of apprenticing and learning how to build websites but there was some drama involved so i decided to stop so i may pick it up again who knows. i do some admin. assisting for my brother who is now running this company as the main fire safety technician. this means i chainsmoke and delete crap off the computer and send an email here and there and look like a genius and tidy the place up and tell fart jokes to my brother. the other guy was a fucking louse of a drunk and the family was like fuck you go to detox so he did then he escaped and went to buttfuck ontario for awhile and started drinking again and calls my brother's work like he thinks he still works there and he sasses me on the fone meanwhile i am deleting all his stupid video games off the harddrive going hahahahahahaha in my head. truth be told i am delaying finding real work 'til i move to toronto come february/marchish because i am lazy and scared of the real world and so i blog and write and have delusions of grandeur and drink all the time and people seem to like it so maybe one day i'll be an actress and act like my snotty self in a movie if i am lucky. oh and i read that guy's name wrong. it's hernan. that's a pretentious name. i like it. equivalent to female sausage party would be something like "the gash station"? that's pretty clever. i just made it up.

raymilauren,

What a coincidence, I just watched Tonsil Hockey last night because I
didn't want to use the computer or watch TV or a movie - FUCKING
DISTRACTIONS.

I've been AVIDLY reading Adbusters again. Weird how I go a couple
months trying to avoid it, because I know it will make me not-depressed-
but-something-like-it and not-manic-but-something-like-it-while-trying-
not-to-sound-pretentious. Because I don't know what manic is really
like, but this is probably the closest I'll get to it. Not that I WANT
to be like that.. Everybody is a victim. Blah blah blah. Wah wah wah
give me my pills so I can be normal again.

Anyway, I was trying to do something without being a complete tool, so
I watched Tom Green. I don't have a car so I couldn't go around driving
and going to Chapters (I feel like a tool there, too actually) - and
being a sad bastard reading in coffee shops when all I really want is
to meet some nice girl and do something really cheesy and romantic like
something out of a movie where you feel all tingly inside.

So my REAL point is I am jealous of you because your email to Tom was
cooler than mine, and you'll probably get a cooler response. Tell all
your friends to watch the Tonight Show NYE!!! I want to be friends with
Phil Giroux.

James


> > you dont have the car anymore wtf?
> > yeh adbusters and chapters and coffeeshops = pretentious
> >
> > meh
> >
> > i doubt tom green will reply
> >
> > and the only reason i wrote to him was because u wrote to him and it
>made me
> > mad that i didnt do it first
> >
> > where the hell or what channel is adbusters on?
> >
> > manic is a way of life
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>




>
>Actually, something called a cv shaft broke in the car. I'm selling
>that stupid thing though. Costing me way too much money, and the
>insurance went up to $500/month when it renewed 2 weeks ago. Fuck that,
>I'll ride a bike and take the bus.
>
>What isn't pretentious anymore? Screw pretense. I'm not thinking and
>torturing myself about that anymore.
>
>I'll bet you $3 Tom Green will reply.
>
>What do you mean by > where the hell or what channel is adbusters on?
>
>- James
>

didn't you say you watched adbusters? how long did it take tom green to respond to you?

those are cadets i think on rememberance day. america calls it something else day because they think they single-handedly won the war. oh right. veteran's day.



in grade three me and mark would be all sneaky reading where's waldo books and these other copy-cat look for shit books during the teacher's lesson and we got away with it. snap! after you find waldo you are suppose to find all this other stuff but instead you go ok look for a guy with one leg and his head is on fire and then mark looks for it and you are like haha i made that one up.



that's sophie. remember i told you about her before. she's the one who makes you throw her a tennis ball a hundred times. she's mad at us because we are leaving the house so that is her trying to be menacing towards you and you are like pfffffft sophie you are so cute.



that's some cute thing on television. if you turn the volume down and play other music those cute things dance to whatever song you are playing and it's like the cute things are groupies to the music that you love and then you get bored of it after a couple minutes and you go microwave some popcorn.



that's couch city. well, one neighborhood of it anyway.



i was gonna stick one of these on every christmas card envelope this year but then i went oh ya, these are worth something and they're not very festive. or nice. and that whole holocaust thing wasn't either.



fil traded in his triumph for that. remember that one time in charlie and the chocolate factory.....?



these are the mitts that i thought i left in a liquor store in parkdale but i didn't i left them somewhere at noel's and he and jim take turns wearing them but it's ok because i have two other pairs of immature mittens to tide me over 'til i get those cat puppet ones back. i bet jim and noel are getting blowjobs all over toronto because of those mittens. sluts.



see tony, this is what snow looks like and ice and boats and canada.



those are upside-down wine glasses that alex has in this fancy wine cabinet hutch thing. standing near it makes me nervous sometimes because i do not trust myself near glass and i try to avoid stores with a bunch of fancy crap crammed into it that is all breakable and pretty looking and expensive because i have bad nerves and i think worrying about smashing something is up there with worrying about dropping a baby on its head when someone thrusts their newborn at you and you are like no way jose, not until that thing can walk.



i miss that fucking hair. everytime i look at these pictures i look at fil and shoot him a dirty look. @%@$@#$%@%#**&@^#*$&^$!!!!!!!!



sometimes cid looks really fat. that was one of those times.



my aunt drew that. her show was at the steamwhistle brewery and the theme was trains. doi. i kinda draw like her except she actually makes an effort and does it all slow and steady and like, makes an effort like how i said before while i am like yaaaaaaaaaaaaawn drawing is boring i have to be done quick because yaaaaaaaaaaaawn i have things to talk about and animals to be pissing off!



that was at the science centre. something about a bridge and origami and scientific stuff i don't remember i was hung over and my hair was all messed up and kids were everywhere and i was sweating.



that is a shower curtain, the top of it and fancy silver shower curtain rings and the wall is dark blue and everytime you use the lavatory you get to look at them and after awhile you are like, that looks pretty so you take a picture of it.



everytime i go home and see rocky i think about stuffing him in my jacket and bringing him to meet cid but cid would destroy rocky and then i would get extremely mad and my dad would too so i think one day we will bring cid to go visit rocky and be in rocky's domain and rocky will be like, hello friend, i love you let's be friends and cid will be all, fuck you and piss on the floor and rocky won't understand because he is a simpleton and i will cry for rocky because i am a headcase.



i invented fun.



that younger blogger tony pierce groupie took this picture when i let him hang out with me and buy me drinks. he's cute. he even brought me chocolates. fil was like wtf. and i got mad because everyone was snobby to him and the young guy was just happy to be alive and stuff. he talks to me on msn from time to time and he is always positive and i am like wow, some hot girl is going to scoop you up one day and step all over you and then you won't be so positive anymore but then i think maybe some rich hot cougar will come along and do the same but keep him forever and be all nice because her ex-husband was a toolbag and they will write each other poetry in france and wear matching sweaters. that would be nice.



when i run out of stuff to talk about and people are tired of my one-liners i like to stick out my tongue and take a wacky photograph and then i look at it afterward and i am all ya that is totally going on my blog and everyone else is like, when are you going home? never?







boz rules

From : Raymi Lauren
Sent : December 29, 2004 1:34:50 PM
To : tomgreenblog@yahoo.com
Subject : tom green is a lesbian

| | | Inbox


hi

my name is raymi and i remember watching your eccentric hyperness way back on rogers cable ten because i am all canadian and shit. anyway, i am glad that you have a blog because that is how you keep your people interested and it unites cunty fans across the lands bla bla. i have a blog. i've had mine since 1999 and i get 3000-5000 hits a day (lie, kinda) because i am an obnoxious loudmouth who is funny and smart and marketably attractive and sometimes i put up pictures of my breasts and so i have successfully cornered that part of the market. i guess you could say i'm kinda eccentric myself but more in a self-destructive and half-assed i am bored of the world way. i write funny articles about pussy farts and how to be a small town slut and i probably make better jokes than you. i think we should be email buddies and i will post what you write back to me on my site and link you and it can be the new thing you do occasionally, either way it makes me look better. you should read my blog and copy it because it is real life mundane smut. oh yeh im 21 and bipolar manic depressive. how impressive is that. i'm putting this email on my blog, ps.



oh and my favorite thing u did i think is when your parents went away and you painted their house plaid and also the time you woke them up really late/early to watch that bon jovi concert vhs with you.

anyhow,

this is what i look like without any clothes on: http://slunk.indiko.com/happybarfgay
this is me and aimee: http://slunk.indiko.com/suckthat
this is me at the science centre: http://slunk.indiko.com/sciencecents

this is what i wrote about how to be a drunk asshole:

http://rocketpack.org/raymi-drunk_asshole.html

get me a job being your coolness advisor.

did i tell you enough things?

http://raymitheminx.com is my blog

bye
raymi

watched garden state last nite and the whole way through fil and i were fighting over the lead character guy because we thought he reminded us of ourselves and so basically the entire time it went something like

oh i would SO be doing that.

and

well yah but I would have won that retard award too!

but i think in the end i won because duder was on lithium since the age of ten and i understood how the character felt the most because i was on that junk before and so every five minutes more or less i'd say oh well look now he knows how to interact socially again because he's not on lithium anymore and fil would go, yeh i know, i'm following the story too.



but at some points i thought i was more like natalie portman's character 'cos there's this one part where she makes this strange noise that is suppose to be original in her bedroom in front of the guy and because i am kind of bizarre and bored of myself i pull that crap all the time

except i'm not acting



then we played truth or dare jenga while going through the stoli and soda water and i dared fil to eat a temptation cat treat and he did it immediately and my stomache churned then i started telling him all these ADD-fueled/inspired stories that didn't really go anywhere and then i had to immitate him so i picked up the guitar and strummed it as obnoxiously as i could and made all these frustrated loud sigh noises and walked around trying to be taller.



then i annoyed cid like how aimee does 'cos i was bored and it was kind of a setback in the cid liking me more department.

feh.

all this sitting around playing video games reading movies drinking smoking sitting in the tub getting mad at the noise the drops of water make when they hit the water my ass is the size of jupiter and my favorite thing to do when i am taking a pee is plucking out pubic hairs 'til i think i have been in there long enough.



we went outside finally and across the street out the window over my tuna sandwich i was staring at the kid hollywood clothing store and got really mad inside my head over the name of that store and all the items sold inside of it and beside it is bark & fitz some wannabe expensive rodeo drive type crap for all the spoiled dogs and you'd be surprised at how many people checked themselves out in the window reflections. well, maybe not too surprised. people are predictible. nothing is shocking anymore.

at first it was like holy cow everyone is looking at me.

oh wait.

they're looking at their furry boots.



it's that part of the season where i fucking hate my looks and want to dress to be obscure and invisible. i asked fil how he was feeling 'cos he's been all sick and stuff and he said fine and i said do you want to know how i am feeling? and he said what why huh do you still have cramps? and i said no, i mean, i feel flamboyant.

this jacket and these foot soldier boots you know.

then we marched all the way to the movie store and got anchorman and stopped by his mum's to get laundry and walked it home and talked about all the fucking salt on the sidewalks and he told me that it raised the sidewalks and i said, you are smart and i think he thought i was lying but i wasn't i was just taking a picture at the time and reading a text message from jamie about when he is coming to toronto.

i wrote to tom green today. i don't think he will write back to me but maybe he will. i told him we should be email buddies and that he should get me a job being his coolness advisor. every "celebrity" i ever write to i suggest email friendship and it never happens. pfft. like the time i emailed pauly shore and told him he could ride around toronto with me on bicycles and he could sleep in my futon with me and other lame charming be my friend type crap and he didn't respond at all.

fag.



i'll wait a day or something for his response but of course i'll post what i wrote and how i wrote it because the email is just, crap. if i got an email like it myself i would be like, ya thanks, leech.

pretty much.