yesterday was FUN. all about eff you en.
i got to be a witness to the lesbo wedding and have my signature on an official lesbo document and i got to hold a lesbo ring. LESBO! total photo frenzy. i'll put it up later for now i am just writing before i forget things. anyhow, there were these cute brazil fags signing up to be married next month and they kissed for us and it was beautiful to see because it was real and not like annoying drunk guys who turn into homos because there are 40 people watching them at a party.
me and jamie and aimee wondered if three people could marry each other. that would be a great thing to say at parties i think for when people get boring you can be like yo, you see that girl over there and you see that guy over in the kitchen, i am married to both of them, and we aren't even dating and that guy doesn't even live in our same area code, can you believe it!?
novelty is THE BEST.
then after the marriage we split over to magic pony and i exchanged a t-shirt and then we ate pizza - me jamie brooke aimee.
tim called me right after the wedding and we got him to meet us at the horseshoe and later his lady came too and before she got there i was telling tim that i wasn't going to like her and tim said that i was going to like her and i fiercely disagreed and then she showed up and i liked her.
she said that she wasn't planning on liking me either and i was fine with that.
she's moving in with my ex boyfriend, tim said i wasn't going to like that, not because i am jealous though, only because he is THE SCUM OF THE EARTH and i still have SCREAMING AT HIM fantasies and feel nauceous when i picture him in my mind and so on and tim told him if he pulls any sleazy shit on his girl he will go ballistic on him and other things and i was like YAAAAAAAAAH!
tim is the best story teller ever.
when he arrived he said a lot of stuff real fast and then went right to the bar and i said to jamie, wow, that was a lot of information and i was trying to think of interesting things to say that were better but i used up all my clever quota so all i could do after that was repeat the only parts of the napoleon dynamite dance that i could remember.
the best part was when the drunk/drugged guy from copenhagen came by to hang with us and he was all hanging off of tim and he looked like the legolas guy from lord of the rings so i was calling him legolas and asked if he had a positive outlook and stuff and then when he said that he was a feminist i told him to just shut up and fuck off i think and he was all hurt but then i fake apologized and then out of nowhere he got all racist so we all crowded around him laughing and taking advantage of his foreign-ness and general obliviousness of the motley crew he was dealing with so this carried on for ten minutes or so and then we left him and on the ride back i said that i missed legolas and wished he was in the back of jamie's jeep, just a little bit at least.
and then me and brooke danced our mother fucking asses off and completely ruined the nite of roughly forty, 40+ year old kept/divorced women by not stopping the rock. everytime i made eye-contact with the room it was just a sea of i-hate-you scowls and squinty burn-up-and-die looks which of course made me throw myself around more and punch brooke's ass over and over and over again in-time to the music.
then this short fucker during the goodbyes to brooke and jamie said he remembered me this other nite singing and said that i was bad and i made the airhead shocked facial reaction and knew it was because the amazon blond sent him over as evil messenger to say that because the world is against me.
Saturday, January 08, 2005
yesterday was FUN. all about eff you en.
Friday, January 07, 2005
the cat thinks he owns fil and two nites ago during trying to sleep time the cat fell into the paper shopping bag on my side of the bed and it made that crinkly paper bag sound and it made me laugh inside my head even though we were suppose to be grumpy because it was 6 in the morning and that dang eavesdrop thing was clanging against the wall of the building so fil couldn't take it anymore so he got a bunch of birthday ribbons and tied them together and went outside and tied the thing to the wall somehow and then by 9 in the morning i was finally falling asleep buuut the landlord schmucks show up and were making all this noise in the alley and shovelling up debris and ice and tore the whole thing off the building so now it's not there anymore and i guess once it ice rains inevitably it will pour right into fil's bedroom onto my face and i will like that a lot.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
tomorrow i am going to a lesbo wedding with jamie and aimee if she remembers that she wants to go with me and we are all going to wear garbage bags.
chokey said i was the guilty pleasure blog of the year. i am at the bottom after tony and the ward. the ward use to majorly s-talk me and me back to them and now we act like the other website doesn't exist.
what can you do?
oh right. i could do that.
maybe i should take that down.
if you havn't already you're insane!!!
well i added more
that little girl was a bitch.
she totally stole my chair that was speaking to me about egyptian things and my purse was still in it! um hello, were you raised by mentally retarded rude-ass parents or something? i whispered at jamie that THAT girl stole my spot while i was taking your picture and in doing so she walked in front of my camera while i was taking your picture.
so all day long me fil jamie were walking around looking for kids to give the finger to and take pictures of it all.
we whizzed thru the whole museum because everything was boooooooooring and the same crap that was there when i went in grade 2 except there was a new pearl exhibit with every single old person in canada there reading all the words in slow motion. fil found this pearl circumcision knife and we crowded around it like ten year olds making this big fuss and making everyone else wonder what we were looking at so they came over and saw and thought we were big pervy morons, which we were/are.
fil: "it looks like a letter opener."
in the dinosaur part there was this couple on a date or something and the guy was trying to say everything he learned off a dinosaur cd ROM the nite before to her all at once and she is like thinking dude shut up lets just fuck already. the guy was talking to the entire exhibit basically. then fil pushed me over near them to maybe distract the guy from talking for a little bit but nooooooooooo blabbermouth keeps firing away and inevitably his lameness rubbed off on the girl and she started saying oh imagine if there were little horses like THAT running around today!?
um excuse me i say that to myself in my head everytime i am watching the discovery channel special on computer-animated dinosaurs, stop stealing!
jamie said that some of the bones weren't even real bones.
then we ate at squirly's and then we met up with brooke and she had dangly earrings that i couldn't stop looking at oh and i bullied jamie into taking his insulin for me and fil to see and last minute i asked if he even needed to be taking it and he said yes and it was good that i had reminded him to.
there was a tiny fat guy dancing by himself by the pool tables and he was my favorite until he was walking by us and dropped his pool cue on the floor but it was ok i guess because he was carrying two glasses of beer.
oh and ps. they were playing the yeah yeah yeahs over and over and i started dancing for three seconds and exclaimed that that one particular song makes me want to smash furniture and then i apologized for screaming when i talk.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
ok that's me. what a doink. ten seconds before dying my hair platinum. well, trying to anyway. i still haven't returned the box of dye to the drugstore because i am too embarassed but moreso i want to keep it as/for a reminder to me to dissuade all future compulsions of dying hair out of boredom. next time hopefully i will read a book.
that's a lie.
obviously i intend on dying my hair myself a.g.a.i.n.
too bad my eyes aren't symmetrical in that picture.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
brooke and jamie are leaving in a few minutes i guess from nyc to come here! this means i get to postpone sobriety for a few more days.
i hope they bring me something american, like, a flag?
they prolly won't though jamie will have his ipod FM transmittor that fil can gay over.
i think we'll take jamie to the rom. it's his first time to the actual city of toronto. last two times he came it was boring suburbia and golden griddle. other blogoids tell me cool indie crap that i don't know about yet that's going on from now 'til friday.
me and cousin alex hung out yesterday at the mall and then went tanning and i had to buy my own fucking goggles so now i have these crazy little weird purple goggle things in my purse to laugh at. they're the kind that don't have the nose rest or elastics so when you are lying down in there you can't be hyper 'cos the things will fall off and you'll get eye cancer so you have to basically, enjoy the whole experience and listen to dance muzak until you fall asleep or are finished masturbating.
so at the mall i bought a bunch of crap for myself and the new coupland book with the other half of the bookstore gift certificate and so now i have a dollar and 48 cents to burn sometime or other when i think of a book that i want which i won't because i am convinced there will be no new books of any interest out anytime soon.
so we went to this junior girl store 'cos everything is 50 per cent off the last ticketed price and at the adult version store nothing was 50 per cent off so i looked at everything i could see myself wearing or that could possibly fit me so i bought double extra large sweaters and the two snobby i hate my job i hate my life sales girls who worked there made zero effort to be nice to us, kiss our asses, in fact, they went out of their way to ignore us so of course this was their way of telling me to be big time obnoxious and irritating.
i understand that you are working in retail because you are killing time at school possibly and waiting for a cubicle job or something and that mall jobs suck and people are annoying but you know what, if that's your fucking job to talk to me and tell me that something looks good on me even if it doesn't, then fucking do it.
and i know i can be intimidating and abrasive-looking because i have the this is bullshit air about me et all, still, if i am going to go out of my way to be nice to you, and not even fake nice, real genuine nice, and i am not even being paid for it, you should be nice back, moron.
and yes i factored in the possible reason of rudeness being 'cos i am obviously not a junior girl shopping in a junior girl store for myself and not for my junior girl daughter who is the same size as me but so what, i'm a bloody consumer and no one else was in the store. nobody. l;ishg;reihg;reoighre;lkghfdsgkdfhxvldfsh'.
for example, some old guy budded in front of me the other day whilst out getting coffee and i didn't do anything about it. i didn't roll my eyes. i didn't go excuuuuuuuse me old man what the fuck do you think you are doing? i didn't shove him or scream. i merely looked around to see if anyone else had noticed and nobody did or cared so this told me, let it go, and so i did and then i told aimee about it and she was like good for you.
still, dude was rude and he'll bud in front of someone else some other day and then there will be an incident but who cares.
i decided to be nice.
when i worked retail ie, with people, i loved talking to them and trying to make them smile or life easier, that's my nature, so when i see other people being cunts about it, in anything that they do, bad day or not, suck it up and be nice.
learn to connect with people. learn how to be real. don't be intimidated.
Monday, January 03, 2005
right now i drink a lot. everyday. nite i mean. it started around july when i quit smoking weed because of the panic attacks and whatnot. anyway. i drink a lot 'cos there is nothing else to do here. this town reminds me of rockland, maine and living there in the wintertime. we drank pretty much every nite there. we didn't have any friends there and the only reason it happened was because his dad died in that house and he was the only one out of his siblings not married with kids so he got to live there and i got to live there to keep him company and escape my canadian life and avoid going to college.
i was an 18 year old housewife and when you're 18 and not living in your own country and you drink all of the time, you are not a drunk - that's simply your temporary life style.
it lasted three months.
i couldn't tolerate the isolation and the meanness from someone ten years older and miserable and taking it out on me and one day when he was getting up and ready to go out and leave me stranded in that house again, i snapped.
i bawled and wailed and slammed the bathroom medicine cabinet to make sure he could hear me and he came upstairs and said this isn't working out, is it?
so i flew back to canada 2 weeks after that on my 19th birthday.
my dad picked me up from the airport and we drove to the pub below the apartment he was living in at the time and on the way there i told him i was gonna go back to the hardware store for a few months then move out to toronto and bla bla he's like sure and then i did move to toronto.
i'm now not living in toronto anymore and i now live in my grandma's house but she doesn't live here and she's not dead and anyway i am never here anyhow and i'm moving back to toronto again in a couple months and then i will write all about this town like i am many many moons away from it and hopefully i can remember things still you know, cute insightful little things rather than details about barflies that make me and you sad but still interested.
a period of mental collapse occurring in one's twenties, often caused by an inability to function outside of school or structured environments coupled with a realization of one's essential aloneness in the world. Often marks induction into the ritual of pharmaceutical usage.
EMOTIONAL KETCHUP BURST:
the bottling up of opinions and emotions inside oneself so that they explosively burst forth all at once, shocking and confusing employers and friends--most of whom thought things were fine.
the fear that if one is successful, then one's personal needs will be forgotten and one will no longer have one's childish needs catered to.
a job taken with the sole intention of staying only for a limited period of time (often one year). the intention is usually to raise enough funds to partake in another, more personally meaningful activity such as watercolor sketching in Crete or designing computer knit sweaters in Hong Kong. employers are rarely informed of intentions.
to tell oneself that the only time worth living in is the past and that the only time that may ever be interesting again is the future.
the mental conversion of flesh and blood living creatures into cartoon characters possessing bourgeois Judeo-Christian attitudes and morals.
DISEASES FOR KISSES (HYPERKARMA):
a deeply rooted belief that punishment will somehow always be far greater than the crime: ozone holes for littering.
a fascination with extreme situations.
using an object with intellectual or fashionable cachet to substitute for an object that is merely pricey: "Brian, you left your copy of Camus in your brother's BMW."
the tendency to visualize oneself enjoying being the last remaining person on earth. "I'd take a helicopter up and throw microwave ovens down on the Taco Bell."
CULT OF ALONENESS:
the need for autonomy at all costs, usually at the expense of long-term relationships. often brought about by overly high expectations of others.
lurid thrills derived from talking about celebrity deaths.
the realization that one was a better person when one had less money.
the tendency to pick apart, often in minute detail, all aspects of life using half-understood pop psychology as a tool.
an X generation subgroup that believes the myth of a yuppie life-style being both satisfying and viable. tend to be highly in debt, involved in some form of substance abuse, and show a willingness to talk about Armageddon after three drinks.
ULTRA SHORT TERM NOSTALGIA:
homesickness for the extremely recent past: "God, things seemed so much better in the world last week."
to espouse a philosophy of minimalism without actually putting into practise any of its tenets.
describes the false sense of community experienced among coworkers in an office environment.
taking a job well beneath one's skill or education level as a means of retreat from adult responsibilities and/or avoiding possible failure in one's true occupation.
a multisibling sensibility derived from having grown up in large families. a rarity in those born after approximately 1965, symptoms of Bradyism include a facility for mind games, emotional withdrawal in situations of overcrowding, and a deeply felt need for a well-defined personal space.
having children to make up for the fact that one no longer believes in the future.
the most common X generation subgroup and the only subgroup given to breeding. Squires exist almost exclusively in couples and are recognizable by their frantic attempts to recreate a semblance of Eisenhower-era plenitude in their daily lives in the face of exorbitant housing prices and two-job life-styles. Squires tend to be continually exhausted from their voraciously acquisitive pursuit of furniture and knickknacks.
financial paranoia instilled in offspring by depression-era parents.
the tendency, when given unlimited choices, to make none.
the tendency of parents to move to smaller, guest-room-free houses after the children have moved away so as to avoid children aged 20 to 30 who have boomeranged home.
taken from generation x, douglas coupland.
Sunday, January 02, 2005
i caught fil's cold.
i wish i had my copy of napoleon dynamite back from my brother i am so utterly lost without it. modest mouse was on saturday nite live last nite and it was a repeat. i'm trying to remember something funny.
i just sneezed and i feel like i am tripping out.
we discussed me being a professional stand up comedian like the next margaret cho and fil said what you want to be a not funny lesbo who screams and i said that's basically what i am already doing except i am not asian. i may as well stand up and complain about stuff with a microphone and more of an audience, right?
but then i thought, maybe i'm not funny, i think i've plateau'd.
i'm having a pre mid-twenties breakdown i think. i have one at least once a day.
this oldschool batman cartoon was on tv last nite too though it wasn't strictly batman, wonderwoman was in and other characters i forget the names of and it was the funniest crap ever because the one-liners were something what arnold swarzenwhatever would say and it was like the cartoons they make for saturday nite live, the superhero lameness.
i'm afraid i have used up all insightful commentary for today's posts so i am going to brush my teeth and try to be witty in real life now.
this dude sean his grandmar makes these scarves that are all soft and crap and all the bitches in the bar when they're loaded go up to the scarf and try to make out with it and so sean's sister, ever the entrepreneur or something made up the grandma loves me silver shiny thing to be sewed onto the scarf and it makes girls want to lay you even more because their grandma is dead and never made them no scarf. you can get the scarves from some faggy hair salon on church in toronto. email me if u want one i'll be messenger.
too bad that dingus lost.
i like it in pubs when they put positive messages on the walls and frame them for you to look at when you are playing darts and loaded out of your mind and you are like right, i am going to stop drinking tomorrow and then you don't so you go to a different pub where there aren't any signs to make you feel guilty but then a week later you find yourself in that same pub and you are like harhuh! so we meet again framed positive message sign. bastard!
smoking outside at a concert there are all these people dressed in their finest coolest articles and you have to listen to them talk and then before you go in to watch more of the concert you whip out your camera and take a picture of the fence gate thing because it has a deeper meaning and something that by the time you look at the picture when you get home or a week later you are like haha those people thought i was doing something important and clever. pffffffffft.
i wish i was smart enough to think of something like this to draw about. what?
i think that says poon. i hope that it does. but maybe it says pooh or was suppose to and the 13 year old who was carving it in ran out of time before he got a chance to finish because he was gonna miss his bus.
imagine if your grandma was that tiny and she followed you around telling you off and s-talking your uncle and you are like when are those miniature muffins going to be ready?
that's me using dial-up + aol to email some files at my brother's work it was so boring and slow. good thing i could watch price is right and shoot off fire extinguishers 'cos they had slow leaks.
i dunno how i feel about the confederate flag. like it's suppose to be cool to be racist or something or maybe just racist to be racist. maybe just a novelty. there's no way in hell any canadian would hang that crap out in their yard, they only do it in secret inside of their homes and it is so scandalous when people come over everyone hovers around it. whatever. some rich kid in town has one hung above his bed in the basement and his dad is apparently a big ole racist too. fucking losers. how do you even go and buy one of those flags with a clear conscience like is there a big racist secret hidden warehouse someplace and if you go in and buy something and bring it home you are ultra bad-ass all of a sudden and the guy at the cash register is like good for you son? some people can get away with hanging up offensive crap on their walls 'cos they're doing it to be clever or funny or make a statement you know but others put that crap up becuase they actually believe what it stands for and people like that are the biggest cowards ever and never have anything interesting to say about anything ever and pretty much go through life being ordinary and unlikeable.
and then there are those drinking is fun and funny plaques with bottle openers on them. rock!
that tree is awesome because it is from the beginning of time and so is the one strand of oldschool xmas bulbs and only some of them work and the decorations are ancient and probably worth money and they're all birds and classy but very delicate and what else, well, i guess it means more to me than to you so i'll shut up about it.
oh i saw a thrown out christmas tree on the sidewalk and it made me feel sad and i wanted to save it but i didn't. that little tree was grown just to be cut down put in a room for a week then chucked to the side of the road. gay.
then when you go to someone's house and you compliment their real tree and you smell it then they ask if you have a real one and you say no then they are shocked and kind of hate you for the rest of the nite like how if they were a dog person and you were a cat person, that kind of hate, anyway, you tell them that you use to have real trees but then you got a fake one and life was easier and then they go on about the whole getting of the tree experience and how nice it is and shit and you say well look at your fucking floor, who has to take that shit down? you? heck no, the man is gonna do it and he's going to be swearing the entire time and you're going to be hiding in the laundry room and then you'll go to your mother's for a little while.
fil is tall.