i have to start eating bananas so i can have bowel movements more often and that will be how i can lose weight because not being able to eat substantial food makes me mentally insane more than i already am. we just ate a late breakfast and i went there wearing what i wore last nite and i didn't wash my hair or anything and my mascara was all fucked and i looked like a crackhead which is suppose to be cool but i still felt bad because the table beside us had four nerds scream-talking to each other about boring shit thinking they are on seinfeld i dunno and i watched this old as dust lady take ten different pills and her daughter ordered for the both of them like she is a control nazi. i was jealous of fil's bacon because it looked like he had one more piece than i got but then i noticed that there was a secret piece of bacon stuck to one of my pieces of bacon so i stood on my chair and screamed like a raving lunatic at everyone in the diner and told them about my extra bacon and everyone was really jealous.
i like telling people things like they are amazing and interesting things because i know there is absolutely no reason for them to give a shit about what i am talking about but then i make it so they have to act like they do give a shit about what i am saying because i describe things in this abstract way that doesn't mean anything and it will make the person look mean if they don't get all into what i am saying.
otherwise i don't bother talking at all and then they are like dude, why you so quiet and i'm like well do you really feel like hearing about what happened at the card store and how i purposely didn't say hi to anyone who works there because they are snobs and i am pretty so they are extra snobby because of that and then i looked at all of the cards and i didn't even buy one! snaaap.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
we did a lot of farting last nite and i am not the one who started it. four different places and lots of farting. matt and fil were lying about all these fights that never happened to me because i usually believe everything but i couldn't believe that because they are not fighters at all. fil invented pacifism and matt just runs his mouth off behind people's backs. matt came over and waited with us for the part in basic instinct where sharon stone shows her beaver and i took a photo of it and then we went out to meet with the gang for kat's bday-o-thon which basically was me making fun of everybody dancing and taking photos right in their face and video clips until i used up all my insults.
matt likes farts
i tried to dress like napoleon dynamite with the vote for pedro shirt that's all fucked up and no one really cared. i talked to matt about it and he was like yeh i saw it last week i liked it and valerie didn't. and then i told fil about how i invited matt over to have a nerdy napoleon dynamite viewing party with us and he said that matt said he didn't like that movie. so that was the first lie of the nite.
tonite is another bday thing a ling holy shit can't people just stop having birthdays what the hell.
Friday, February 11, 2005
fil's hair is exciting because that's what happened to it during the metallica documentary the nite after i put make-up on him.
took this from flatlinegirl and doesn't it make your eyes set on fire it is that fantastic. why can't i be in their little dance club? i feel so left out.
i turned into a wimpy woman near that thing. i don't like snakes i don't care how much they get along with cats. i don't like them i don't like to touch them and they can just go to hell.
i don't know what i am eating but i am eating it anyway. it's like the inside of some chicken vegetable thing and it had tinfoil on it and so i heated it up to the temperature of a volcano and something tells me there was some sort of pastry on it but that was eaten already so i am eating the inside because i am poor.
dr. phil is on in the other room and no one is watching him. i hate that douchebag. it's a valentine's show i think. they are doing this mystery date thing and one guy is speaking one of his "sexy" languages and he has a shitty haircut and i hope she goes for him instead of the two other hot guys with better hair so when she walks around the partition she will have to be pretend-happy for her mystery man with his mystery bad hair.
serves her right for being on dr. phil and looking like a price is right model with a pink sparkly dress.
if i were her and i chose him and then i saw him i would go ew gross your hair SUUUUUUCKS i am going on a double date with those guys even though they are yuppies who pretend they like golf.
right now rocky is my best friend and then later cid will be my best friend but right now rocky is because he is looking at me like he is saying inside his head that we are best friends and then i pick him up and carry him around and exclaim to anyone who is listening that me and rocky are best friends.
and then i feel old.
at least rocky doesn't mind rock music. i play it very loud and he sits there anyway. i could put on a hair dryer, a washing machine, the stereo, and 5 vacuums and a lawn mower and rocky would sit there happily and probably try and get you to pet him.
maybe he is deaf.
i don't feel like doing anything today or tonite, you know that feeling? but then it will turn into everyone going to do the thing and you're sitting around not doing it thinking that your clever stand off is so working and then last minute you go ALRIGHT i'll DO IT. FUCK.
it's probably because my hair is all messed up it is making me feel arty and weird and lazy and eccentric when really i just have messed up hair and there is nothing eccentric about me other than anecdotes about my cat who is dumb and cute.
i'm getting bored of my headrapist or i think he is getting bored of me because when i am finished talking about my little updates of the past two weeks i stare like i am in deep-thought or i am scowling and he thinks this means i am really sad and so he goes into a lengthy metaphor spiel and sometimes i forget to pay attention and by the time he is done i go mmmhmmm you're right, that's good advice or a good way of looking at it and so on.
i think we both used up all of our material the first 3 or 4 sessions and now we just wait for the hour to be up. me with a lot of vacant staring and avoiding eye-contact and him looking like the curb your enthusiasm guy with his fingertips pressed together and then we talk about movies that he has seen and that i think are stupid but i act like they are good movies and that i will go rent them immediately and sometimes he tells me the same metaphor he had already told me and i act like he hadn't told it to me before and so when he begins telling the metaphor/story i realise he has said it before so i get hyper-anxious and worry that my face will give it away that i already know it and if i nod too many times or not enough times he will know when really i should have gone yo dude you told me this already, you are fired.
but i can't do that because i am polite to people i guess.
and so when he is done speaking i go woah, that was, deep.
see you in a couple weeks.
next morning awesomeness. i told fil i didn't feel like going home yet from the backseat and he dropped me off anyway and i got crabby annoyed and went in and sent an abrasive text message and passed out immediately. i guess i had visions of bars and megatouch and screaming in my head i wanted MORE.
ok so me and wainbows hung out last nite. i bullied her into being my friend after reading her email about dreaming about me and so she agreed finally after months and months of bla bla blaaaing to each other about being super cool best friends and so i said look i haven't showered today even so don't outdo me on the hotness and she said ok fine but then she shows up with brand new hair and a cool outfit and i felt like a ninny at the end of the bar waiting to discuss popsicle stick formations.
so we told each other a bunch of blackmail gossip which was pretty interesting. i met her at rivoli because it was pretty early and all the other places weren't open yet and i walked into this office party nonsense of nerdoids playing pool but there was all this fancy catered food and so i ate a ton of it because i have been dieting the past two days which means salad only and so i've been walking around going I'M STARVING every three seconds and thinking about eating cows with cowsauce with chicken gravy and so on so free food belonging to office nerds all for me equals eating at nite in a bar doesn't count and it will not affect your pretend diet.
there was a group of people beside us who very interested in us but kept to themselves and wainbows didn't tell me 'til we were leaving that they were whispering about us the entire time and i wanted to stay and watch them watch us but we had been there long enough and she wanted to eat pizza even though there was all that free food to eat. so she ate pizza and then we went to the bovine and you can smoke in the back now. incredible. i called fil and matt and bragged about it and then they showed up because they were jealous. anyway before they came there was a group of three guys all staring at us and we knew that they were going to come over and try and make us their girlfriends and one by one they did except for the one guy who is on that pimp my ride show who is in town because he is working on one of the raptors' cars i don't give a fuck.
so dude on the right with the scraggy hair is the pimp my ride guy and i took this photo not knowing this and the guy in the middle is all excited and comes right over and says so you recognized him (he said his name which i don't remember) and i said recognized who? and he goes oh ok nevermind and leaves and then douchebag on the left with the drink in his hand comes over and starts bragging about his pimp my ride friend and i'm like dude awesome for you and i told him we were prostitutes and i was very mean and he still wouldn't leave and then fil and matt walk in and i go that's my boyfriend right there and he is still there and he hands me his card and says he writes for the metro and also sells condos and then pimp my ride comes over along with other friend and it was one giant circle of gayness and then wainbows left it was so gay and then we went home and pimp my ride guy felt uncool and well, that's toronto for you.
i also told the guy that I wrote for the metro and that i sold condos. everything he said i copied it. the lighting in the bovine makes you look super amazing i guess. i have no idea why he was bothering to talk to me. i dressed homeless.
wainbows is awesome.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
here is me and craig halloween of 2002. craig is that big pile of hair and leaves and all this other junk. it was the first time i ever tried mushrooms. we were walking to this party and it wasn't even halloween. it was two nites before. the big friday. anyway, all of a sudden i start laughing like a maniac and everything is funny and we get to this party and we are trying to all fit up the stairs because well, look at craig's costume and then here is what noel's costume was:
and we're all fucked up and making all this retarded noise and i finally make my way into the main room where these people are sitting politely on the couch watching television and then i exclaim that they are all boring and left the room and then we hung out on the porch the entire time because we were so retarded and i smashed a beer bottle and this guy is standing in the glass in bare feet.
i lost the blunt too and said that i didn't ever have it because i couldn't remember craig giving it to me and i had it in one of those ridiculously annoying army pouches but i didn't know it was there and then everyone said that i ruined halloween because of that missing blunt and i was screaming that i didn't know where the fuck it was so they were piling on top of me going through all my pockets and couldn't find it and i said SEE i told you i don't fucking have it.
noel + craig in their retarded costumes of evil
and then about a month later when noel was in thailand craig and i were dirtbags and bored and drugless at my place in l'il italy and craig brings up the blunt story again and i am like whatever fuck off and he sees my army shit hanging off the back of my door and goes you know what raymi, i bet that blunt is in one of these pockets and so he opens one and THERE IT WAS and my eyes fell out of my head i was amazed and craig lunged at me like he was going to punch me he was so mad but then he was so happy because we had a big hash blunt the size of my arm to smoke.
it was such a gossip bomb having found it that craig had to call noel's voicemail and leave a message immediately even though we knew he was in thailand.
julia was a vagina for halloween. she had a big hairy gorilla type suit and an oldschool life preserver on her front that was painted pinkish and it was incredible.
igor won a raymi banner off heroine girl's carnival of smut site. she emailed me and said that igor had 710 dollars and had won a banner from the auction and i wrote back going WHAT you made 710 dollars of real money off me!??!?!?!
then i realised it was pretend money and he busted his ass for the points. so you can go look at his banner that i drew with my eyes closed.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
overheard the best and most nerdiest conversation ever yesterday at the comic book figurine collection store. it was just too much. this one lispy talking napoleon dynamite moon boots wearing guy was talking about how he has seventeen email addresses and he is writing a comic and then he said the 4th and 5th seasons of the simpsons were the best and bla bla i had to duck behind a shelf and cover my mouth and hide my eyes because they were bugging out from i can't believe what i am hearingness and the store proprietor was egging the kid on more and more and we had to leave because i couldn't take it anymore.
i'm not trying to be mean here (yes i am) and think that the conversations i have are superior and more fun to overhear though COME ON, who talks that way and is 100 per cent serious?
it was probably the best thing for novelty's sake that i have experienced since that mullet-headed woman screaming about polish people saying her daughter was bad.
today getting sandwiches i had to listen to the sandwich maker lady sing 80's songs to all the old ladies in line with me who were digging it and there was nobody i could roll my eyes to.
excuse me everyone in this restaurant but do you realise how lame this is right now?
i was just wondering if i was the only person who knew about this.
yeah ok i'm banned, fine.
it was worth it.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
have you seen the metallica doc. yet? it is 4 hours full of whiney bitchy tackiness and everyone sucks. lars sucks because he is lars. hetfeild sucks because he goes to russia for two weeks and shoots a bear for no reason and then goes to rehab for 6 months. their producer is a pushover. they have a rock band therapist who follows them around everywhere and gets paid 40 grand a month. anyway, ble ble metallica rules i know but still, seeing behind the scenes ruins everything. oh and it was also pretty boring. and the way they write their lyrics is just laughable.
before that we went to aimee/derek's and played with derek's cat and snake and it creeped me out. i took pictures.
i just bought underwear. my hair is retarded. band practise tonite. we threw rocks in the lake earlier and found a pair of jeans with flowers on them that belong to a little girl and it was peculiar. oh and we found a dead duck but half of its body was missing. i threw a snowball at fil's crotch by accident and then he hit his head on this low-hanging porch. and i laughed.
Monday, February 07, 2005
i am CRAZY FOR ANIMALS.
i told fil we should go to the humane society and bring back a cat for my dad and for rocky and to just, you know, do that and fil said no.
and my dad would probably be pissed off about it.
though i like to think that everyone would love a new housefriend as much as i would right now and be the opposite of pissed off hopefully and then i could just keep bringing over animals, that would be neat.
fil said that rocky's life would turn to shit if i brought another cat into his domain.
so i'll have to get a dog then.
which would be completely retarded because i don't know anything about dogs because i have never owned one before and then it will take over my entire life and then i will live in the hills the end.
so i started writing a fictional story and i kind of want to turn it into fantasy science fiction psychological thriller somehow but i don't have the capacity to or the attention span to make something like that seem believeable or make enough sense and then i wouldn't finish it and i would hate myself. i dunno.
receiving jamie's and matthew's book has inspired me to just fucking write and print and publish for fucksakes.
so i have already written quite a bit but i did it all by hand because that is how i write best so now i have to transcribe it, ho hum.
it's ridiculous how drinking has just wiped away my intelligence completely. mostly my memory. it feels like a whole bunch of big words, adjectives mostly, have just, disappeared from my brain.
and i am fine with it for a little while but then someone comes in the room and asks me how to spell casserole and i am not exactly sure how to spell it and so i spell it and i think that i am right but i also seriously doubt myself and think ok well there's another word that won't be in my story because i cannot spell it on the spot and feel confident enough with it just sitting there, waiting to be spell-checked and walking over to a dictionary is just not in the cards for me, so fuck that word altogether.
and yah, so i'm writing this thing and i am already getting pissed off all over the place because i think of various directions in which to take it and then i forget them and then i have to play with the cat or read a tabloid and check email.
anyway, we saw boogeyman yesterday and it was stupid because they tried really hard to make it trippy and spooky and it was basically a bunch of doors slamming and then when you finally see the boogeyman you're like pffffffft because he is just, silly.
and there were a gaggle of fat trashy teenage girls talking and running around behind us the entire time and their stupid voices were echoing all over the theatre because it was empty and then on the way home fil said, "i wanted to cut those fat bitches." and i said can i quote you on my blog and he said no but i am doing it anyway because it effectively captures the feeling i had also.
the whole way through i was thinking of what i would scream at those girls if i finally decided to and i was going to scream, "SHUT UP YOU LITTLE KIDS." and so i thougt about it the whole time and i didn't do it and then i saw them in the bathroom afterward and i thought that i could lecture them about being polite in movie theatres but then they would roll their eyes and i would get really fucking mad and then i would get mean and call them fat and white trash and ugly and make fun of their clothes and then we would have to run away to the parking lot and that would just be, immature.
too bad though.
i should have said the little kids line because that would hurt them a lot because when you are out at a movie theatre and a 'tween, you want for people to think you are an adult and cool and older and so if i called them little kids they would want to just die.
that's what i thought about during the movie and i know that i am right.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
this is being simulcast
last nite raymi made me up like a girl
i do not make a pretty girl
hell was i thinking?
i also am not buckets of awesome when it comes to removing makeup and i'm convinced that's why people were giving me funny looks at the bar
but that's neither here nor there
so anyway, some of us gathered to show our appreciation of our friend Cx on his 30th b-day last night at a nearby pub. some of us caroused and conversed and drank prairie fires, extra fire while some of us parked it in front of the megatouch machine
one friend came up to visit from illinois. his name is kent but the story back in high school was that his parents actually named him kunte kinte. mostly we call him bone now. he hasn't come to visit canada since 1998 and it's nuts how much he has an accent and says caaa-tage instead of cottage.
this is Cx and
kunte kinte bone
what was also really weird is that gord downie showed up and totally sat down next to Cx's girlfriend, Kx
towards the end of the night raymi claimed that she was all birthdayed out and that leaving was on the menu, and that that sounded lovely and could she have an order of that please