here is an excerpt from one of my stories that will go along with a bunch of other subpar bedtime stories for manic depressives. enjoy.



I like the crazy girl


I like the crazy girl.

She just moved in next door.

She has black hair and wears dresses that she is too old to be wearing. Dresses my little sister wears to birthday parties with mary janes and white tights.

The crazy girl’s name is Melinda.

I watch her sometimes from my kitchen window when she is in her backyard.

She sings to herself and bounces a ball against the fence and calls to a dog that is never there.

I try to catch her eye when I take out the trash or get the mail and she looks at me coyly and kind of smiles then starts murmuring to herself that makes me realise she hasn’t seen me at all.

I let Ralphy out for a pee and Melinda ran to the fence and leaned over to watch him.

So I went out and stood on the back porch and watched.

Melinda held out her hand and Ralphy licked it and Melinda went hysterical with pleasure. I walked over and patted Ralphy on the head and said hello to Melinda.

She looked at me and said nothing.

Hello Melinda I am Paul. I like your jumper.

Melinda covered her mouth and turned to run but some of her hair got caught on the fence and ripped out of her head. Melinda barely noticed.

The next day there was an envelope taped to the fence where our little meeting was and Melinda’s hair was gone.

There was a poorly drawn picture of a dog on it.

Inside were several drawings of a man on a porch, taking out the garbage, in a car, smoking and also one of the man with a girl on a swing holding hands and cute little hearts floating all around them. The girl was suppose to be Melinda and the man was suppose to be me.

I felt amazing, though, a little bit perverted.

Melinda is special, perhaps we may be close in age but who knows mentally how old she truly is.

I sent Jody over when she got back from school with some candy to make friends with Melinda. An hour later she came back with Melinda and a note from Melinda’s mother.

Dear Sir, my daughter is autistic, please send her home the moment she is out of line. I appreciate the candy. Your Jody is a very sweet girl. -Margaret

Jody gave me a look and rolled her eyes then ran off to her room and slammed the door.

Melinda and I stood in the living room together.

How old are you Melinda?

Silence.

Melinda, I am 27 years old. I live here with my little sister and my grandmother.

Silence.

I raised two fingers to represent twenty and then seven.

Melinda nodded and pointed to herself and whispered twenty-four.

She stepped toward me, took my hand and whispered, I am not stupid.

I told her I knew that already and said that I loved how she sang and she blushed.

She sat at the piano and I joined her, side by side, we did not look at one another nor did we say anything for a long time.

I know that you are lonely. She said to me and I nodded.

I know that you want to leave this house and go far, far away.

I know that you want to take me with you.

Melinda turned to me and put her fingers on my mouth and I was finally able to stare deep into her big green eyes that see things I could never hope to see.

This girl lives in a different world, one that I may never enter.

Melinda poked the tips of her fingers into my mouth and dragged them around on my tongue and I let her. Then she played the piano and sang along in some beautiful mumbo-jumbo I had never heard and would probably never hear again.

Then out of nowhere, she stopped.

kiss the girls is a stressful movie to watch. everytime the bad guy is in the scene i yell out ten different ways to kill him and run away. like this one part where the chick is playing the violin and therefore not drugged or cuffed to the chair, the second the dude turned his back i woulda shoved the violin bow right through the back of his neck and then slammed my violin down on his head, fucker!

anyway, i have ketchup chip blisters all over my mouth.

really? 'cos i have been in a cave for the last several years with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.

tonite is survivor. my boobs are pre-menstrual heavy. being sick makes you have chronic bad breath. i just watched some of the heidi fleiss movie. fascinating. how did that actress get her mouth to look all retarded like that and pale. she holds it in a way like there are a million teeth in her mouth.

oh yeah another strange thing cid did during our super fun sleep time was rest his mouth on my fingers and then his teeth.

maybe i should call some existential detectives who investigate coincidences.

i'm sorry, people who liked i heart huckabees are retarded! i can't get over it, the ones who rave about this movie. I HATE YOU!

cid and i are sleepover buddies. fil gets up to go to work and then cid and i hit the hay for a few more hours and hug like sisters. when i turn over he turns over. if i change sleeping positions before he is ready to he meows at me and then i do it anyway and this means that sleeptime will soon be over because the bond is broken.

then i write the great american novel.

50 ways to get fired.

how to not look asian

i am so sick of being sick. i'm glad it's grey out and probably going to rain soon. bitches. last nite making chicken explosion lasagna i went to take it out of the oven and i turned it upside down on the oven door and said HELP ME HELP ME and fil ran over and got all huffy then i got huffy for him being mad at me for almost destroying everything so i slammed the bathroom door and blew my nose and clipped my toenails and then we ate the chicken whatever and watched the yes men while fil kept unzipping my pants pocket and unbuttoning the other two pockets and i went mentally insane over him doing this.

THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE UNBUTTONED!

he is also sick so we're basically taking turns pissing each other off.

i feel like i am dying. i have chills all over my body and especially in my head. i feel like a miserable old troll who can't go out on the hottest day yet. arg. i just took some cold fx, lets see if don cherry is full of shit.

saw amityville horror tonite.

now i think i have five ulcers.

shit be scary.

i stood outside for a minute to see how warm it was and had an explosion of headache and allergy sinus whatever hit me all at once so now i am hiding in the closet and if i ever drink robitussin again i will vomit. everytime i sneeze it feels like blood is going to shoot out of my nose and ears and scalp. i sat in the tub and felt like i was morphing through time and i guess i fell asleep because the water was black and cold and i meant to write a short story but i thought about throwing tennis balls instead.

Jamie says:

I bought a pack of ten ISBN numbers

Jamie says:

if you ever want to use one

raymi says:

woah sweet

raymi says:

how much did they cost

Jamie says:

well, ten was the minimum you could buy

Jamie says:

it was about 200 bucks for ten

Jamie says:

something like that

raymi says:

woah spendorama

Jamie says:

plus some kind of processing fee -- 25 dollars or something

Jamie says:

yeah, i splurged

Jamie says:

and i might not ever wind up using them

Jamie says:

we'll see

raymi says:

so now that u have them u can publish absolutely anything u want right

Jamie says:

yeah

Jamie says:

i mean, i could publish anything i wanted to anyway -- but now they can be sold in bookstores and such

Jamie says:

listed on amazon, etc

raymi says:

no i mean u could publish a book full of unintelligible crap

Jamie says:

yeah

Jamie says:

is that what you're plannning to do?

Jamie says:

i already made one of those myself

raymi says:

well its pretty much what i am doing already right

Jamie says:

i will be your publisher

Jamie says:

i should probably head into work

Jamie says:

and lollygag along the way, since it's so pretty outside

Jamie says:

maybe i'll buy an ice cream

raymi says:

thats what old men do

Jamie says:

yep

Jamie says:

actually what old men REALLY like to do, is buy ice creams for young girls

raymi says:

ew pervy

worst sleep ever last nite.

i had a mini-dream that i could throw tennis balls majorly fast and hard and far, like that loser kid in rookie of the year and so i was on a tennis court chucking tennis balls for hours.

pretty much the coolest dream yet.

yesterday at the liquor store there was this fat bald guy with a cane who was sweating profusely and the liquor store merchant said, oh is it raining out? and fat sweaty guy says no, i was just rushing here before you guys closed and meanwhile his retarded lady companion is counting out her money as slow as she possibly can and looking at every coin individually and the fat sweaty guy has taken the booze and walked to the other side of the store before the transaction was even finished.

i hate people so much sometimes.

it's that part of the cold stage where you get to hack up interesting shaped wads of stuff and decide if you like the taste and either spit them out or reswallow for yet another go later on where they come back bigger and better and they can speak japanese.

shots of crown royal, 'dems nasty.

my chappy lips are still recovering so they're big and red and cocksuckery-looking and when i eat something hot my face turns to lava and i break out into old lady hives.



pictures to come soon of my black hair 'cos don't forget this is the rented movies, watched survivor, i dyed my hair blog!

and sometimes megatouch.

speaking of i had a dream that fil said he was going to go play megatouch and i went along wearing pajamas.



woah i look unattractive in that napoleon picture but i also look major cool so i have to use it.