This is how you go crazy

You move to toronto when you are nineteen years old and then let crazy fucked up people move in with you who take advantage of your generosity and you work as an online prostitute and you date an abusive drug dealer who cheats on you and you do blow every other nite of the week and then you go to los angeles and smoke weed until your brains turn to dirt and you go to the loony bin and then you go back to canada and stay in the loony bin for a little while longer and then you get out and seclude yourself in a tiny town where you don’t know anybody for six months and then you gain some of your confidence back and go out on the town one nite and you meet another drug dealer and date him for six months who treats you like shit and then you finally lose your cool again and dump his ass once you get all skinny and manic and you can no longer smoke weed because it brings back terrors of 9/11 and generally some uncool shit.

When you are in the loony bin you spend a lot of time with people who are far more crazy than yourself and you take everything literally because that rational part of your brain is so doped up and the schizophrenics scream at you and the fucking senile split-personalities intrigue you and the christians terrify you and on and on until you realise you are pregnant and you just can’t believe your luck.

Jro emailed me and said that this guy is my new husband. i checked him out and was like yawn my new husband is boooooring but then after scrolling down a bit i was like WOAH MY NEW HUSBAND RULES BECAUSE HE IS COMPLETELY INSANE!

ps. check out jro's site because he has amazing comics that are endearing and political and mean. this one for example:

update le deux:

it looks like i have a bloody produce bag on my head. or i was shot in the head and i put a plastic bag on it to stop the bleeding. i'd take a picture but it is just too disgusting and fil is going to be pissed off when he gets home and sees the rug. i'll just buy a new one. whuddup wal-mart!?


17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor

found that off goldenfiddle

coolness waste of time update:

i have a trillion red dye stains all over my back, shoulders and arms and forehead and my tits are literally sweating cos i have a plastic bag on my head to make the shit happen quicker and it's made my body temperature skyrocket. i could die!

i got bored so i bought some hairdye and i am waiting for the colour to process as i type this and i got dye all over the bathroom rug, bloody red dye. oh well.

Jeffrey says:

here are camera phone pictures

Jeffrey says:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jackfalcon/

Jeffrey says:

I am eating grape nutz

Jeffrey says:

and drinking apple juice because I am 8

Jeffrey says:

some interview this is

raymi says:

i just went to make a drink

raymi says:

sprite and jager because i am your drunk aunt

Jeffrey says:

figures you decide to have an interview and then fall asleep

Jeffrey says:

whats up Jager

raymi says:

you have a camera fone, amazing

raymi says:

hello kitty new york !!!!!!!!!!!

raymi says:

wow she has bodyguards?

Jeffrey says:

I took those for you

Jeffrey says:

and sent them to your phone

Jeffrey says:

totally had bodyguards

raymi says:

i dont have a camerafone because i am dying

raymi says:

were people allowed to hug her

Jeffrey says:

yes of course

Jeffrey says:

but you probably would have got in trouble if you started crying and shit

raymi says:

probably

Jeffrey says:

Yeah, I saw that and I was like "WOAH"

raymi says:

it would have made everyone uncomfortable

Jeffrey says:

right

Jeffrey says:

bummed out kids

raymi says:

lets talk shit about your friends

Jeffrey says:

lets talk shit about your universe

raymi says:

fine

Jeffrey says:

my friends are all gay black jews, there's not much more to be said

raymi says:

they rule

raymi says:

thats my new blog title

Jeffrey says:

yeah, Borlin was like "every now and then I get a weird sort of insulting email form her, even though I never even met her"

Jeffrey says:

OH

raymi says:

borlin

Jeffrey says:

I went to see Natasha last night

raymi says:

OH!!

raymi says:

did you swoon

Jeffrey says:

BUT because I am fucked up, I missed her set

raymi says:

oh

raymi says:

well did u meet her

Jeffrey says:

and I was pretty sure it was her out front talking withe everyone with a big keyboard thing

Jeffrey says:

and I was covered in sweat and she was all dressed up and talking with white people about "the performancs" ao I didn't interrupt

Jeffrey says:

and then ran away

raymi says:

the performancs?

Jeffrey says:

the performance

raymi says:

well u should have at least picked up her cd

Jeffrey says:

I ain't buying shit

Jeffrey says:

I mean, sure, I'll check it out

raymi says:

its beautiful music

Jeffrey says:

is she shorter than you

raymi says:

same height

Jeffrey says:

kinda looks hispanic or something

raymi says:

uh no she has blond hair

Jeffrey says:

oh well it wasn't her

Jeffrey says:

oops, she was playing when I walked by then

Jeffrey says:

hah

raymi says:

you are soooo lame

Jeffrey says:

whatever

raymi says:

good

Jeffrey says:

fine

Jeffrey says:

well she was hot



raymi says:

she totally is

Jeffrey says:

I don't know what her music sounds like

raymi says:

it sounds like poetry and screaming and shit to dump your boyfriend to

Jeffrey says:

nice

Jeffrey says:

I would not expect that at all

Jeffrey says:

it looked like some boring angry bad piano playing lesbian shit

Jeffrey says:

oh wait, those are the same thing

Jeffrey says:

neahht

raymi says:

nice one

Jeffrey says:

thanks

raymi says:

im putting this on my blog

shit-ass haiku time


bottom of the pool
coma three feet deep water
drinking a mai tai
*

gun metal grey dreams
in the back of a semi
truck driver blowjobs
*

eating grape jell-o
lickin' blow of a stripper
this life i tell you
*

the naked sleep here
amongst gravestones and torches
one two three four five
*




i hate your mother
i had sex with your father
and then i killed him
*

i went to japan
and i got a dumb haircut
and a pink poodle
*

when the cat meows
i meow right back at him
and then i starve him
*

this is what isabel had to say

so hi.

apparently living in the us does have its advantages, (who knew?) because i
got your book like 2 days after it shipped. i'm not sure why i bought it
other than to help you out (i think i owe you that, after all the times your
blog has made me laugh) and because i adore your blog even though the
comments scare me and i figured that the emails you get would be even
scarier, but i did, and i'm glad, because it's adorable and funny and it
made me so happy that i don't have near the readers you have because i don't
think that i could handle getting scary emails or loads of ass kissing ones
without either wanting to take my blog down and disappear from the whole
internet forever or end up feeling like i didn't deserve my own hype. how do
you do it?

i suppose i could have left you a comment telling you i enjoyed your book,
because i don't make it a habit to email total strangers and i feel
creeptacular doing so, (clearly you are used to it, so that makes it a
little easier).. but i wanted to tell just you, not the world.

i am a hair band.

fil and i walked to the lake and saw a dead duck and this humane society guy picked it up and put it in a bag and then i was picking at my ass and not looking where we were headed and when i looked up we were cornered by all these crazy motherfucker geese who were hissing and spitting and i had an anxiety attack then my mum showed up and told us this crazy story about my cousin and then fil and i got crazy phallic popsicles and ate them on the street and we were looking at these young chicks and fil said aloud how old do you think those little sluts are? and i said why don't i go up and ask them and say HEY LITTLE SLUTS HOW OLD ARE YOU BECAUSE MY 30 YEAR OLD BOYFRIEND WANTS TO KNOW.

then we went inside to finish our penis popsicles.

On Friday, Raymi sent me an email inviting me to write on her blog:

On Jul 15, 2005, at 2:29 PM, raymi larue wrote:

hey i am adding you to write on my blog while im away up north, if you have time of course, and you can write on it whenever you, not just when i am away. u can write whatever you want and post a bunch of pictures or something. i don't know why i didn't add you sooner. miss you.

Although I didn't think that accepting her invitation would do anything other than piss a bunch of people off, I was flattered and decided why not.

"What's my name? Fuck You -- That's my name."

Anyway, the problem was, I was going away for the weekend too. I replied to Raymi's invitation and told her I wasn't going to have much computer time this weekend, but I'd do what I could.

Obviously "what I could" turned out to be a whole lot of nothing and this morning, I got another email:

On Jul 18, 2005, at 1:08 AM, raymi larue wrote:

oh well im back now so meh feh bleh

"Does this mean I can't post?" I asked.

"yes u can still post."

And so I did.

Just now.

Did you see it?

i will finally admit now that when people are talking, i am not listening. i mean, in the beginning i am listening but once what i am hearing turns into boring i am nodding my head saying yep yup yep and i am actually quite good at looking like i am listening to every goddamn word but really i am not. don't be insulted if we've had a meaningful conversation before because i'm not NOT listening all of the time. just sometimes. when i am drunk mostly. which is pretty much all of the time. so there.

you know if you have two toonies and a loonie you can put the loonie in-between the toonies and then you have a coin sandwich. try it, it's fun.

i think the heat is making me delirious.

dear raymi the minx

I like how you described how you would make love to another girl?

How do you do it? Do you scizzor your legs together and rub your clits against each other?

How old are you now? I hope to talk to you sometime soon.

Are you still trying new things with other girls?

Do you have any pics of you and another girl?

How does it feel having a girl's body on top of yours? Your breasts against hers? Humping and grinding? Pussy on pussy? When you start cumming, does your pussy start throbbing as you rub your pussy against another pussy?

Do you take turns humping each other's faces?

Are you shaved or trimmed?

As for me, I love a nice bush against my face.

Tell me more about you. Your interests.

How about a pic? Send me one?

Have a nice day.

retarded is my favorite.