this girl is a hilarious bitch and she is awesome because she has black eyebrows and platinum hair and she says things that are not important but makes them seem that way.

make a snowman

i hate people who line up at the coffee station and wait for you to do the whole sugar and cream and lid thing and they are standing there with their black coffee all self-righteous like they are the most considerate person in the world because they have the patience to let you have the coffee station all to yourself, it makes me want to turn around and say something snarky except i haven't thought of the perfect mean thing to say yet.

maybe if i threw all of the sugar packets into the garbage in front of them and poured the cream and homo milk and 2 per cent into that drain thing and put all the stir sticks in my pockets and crumpled up the lids one by one and turned around and said "shoulda got here sooner" then left, i think that might work.

the looks on their faces when they are waiting is what really sets me off, it's sort of like the same look bitchy women have on their face when they are holding the door open for you at the mall, except a lot bitchier.

next time i'll do my sugar/cream thing really fast then let them at the station but then act like i forgot to do something else and wait behind them and sigh as loud as i can and roll my eyes and exclaim loudly IF I WANTED A COLD COFFEE MAYBE I WOULD HAVE ORDERED ONE.

i could go on and on forever about this i mean, MORE THAN ONE PERSON CAN USE THE STATION AT ONCE!!! IS EVERYONE ON CRAZY PILLS HERE!?!?!?

rapex

raymi says:

look at that

raymi says:

im sorry my shitty comics are not as good as new york city and your fancy red stripe

Compelling Protagonist says:

hahahahaha

Compelling Protagonist says:

shut up

raymi says:

READ IT AND LAUGH

raymi says:

fine

raymi says:

maybe if i talk about bodegas

Compelling Protagonist says:

i love you shut up

raymi says:

u arent going HAHAHHAHahahAHAHhahaHAHA

Compelling Protagonist says:

not really, i dunno

Compelling Protagonist says:

raymi, ive outgrown your canadian humor...i think its time we called it quits

Compelling Protagonist says:

its a wrap babe

raymi says:

fine

raymi says:

just remember I INVENTED YOU FUCKER

Compelling Protagonist says:

*puts on shades

Compelling Protagonist says:

*walks away

Compelling Protagonist says:

*leaves you in dust

raymi says:

yeah go hang in union square and convince people you arent a douchebag

Compelling Protagonist says:

< cool >we just cant relate...im much too big for things like ...this!

raymi says:

right totally i get it

Compelling Protagonist says:

hahahahaahahahaahahahaha]

Compelling Protagonist says:

you love my < cool > tag

Compelling Protagonist says:

ok cool

raymi says:

yeh it was so funny dude like i never thought of it

raymi says:

ok cool indeed

Compelling Protagonist says:

you are not cool

raymi says:

cos im white?

Compelling Protagonist says:

one of the reasons yeah

raymi says:

whatever skinny fag u think yer better than me now that yer thin and are at def jux

raymi says:

EAT SHIT

Compelling Protagonist says:

hahahahah

raymi says:

CANADA WHAT

'Do you know what I mean?', the mean skanks scream
As they stream, slam, sweat and steam through the dark
Bumping and whistling strange notes seraphine
That bounce past to the black greens of the park
If true melody holds forth from this crackling pit
And new sounds reach the trees undisturbed
We can rummage in there for an iced wit
Fighting hard for her minions perturbed
'I'm Raymi the minx, you jibbering fools,
I'll cry, I'll butt, I'll share and I'll dare
Freeze and shatter your book and your rules
With real gold in my hand - your greased chunks of hair.
As lights tire and the street shivers and snores
Nighty night's are eschewed,'God bless you, you whores'

-rebelmuirchld

i don't think i am even going to shower today, i might change my mind. i haven't looked in the mirror in at least three hours so my memory of what i actually look like right now is non-existant, i've decided that i look hot in a dirty lazy scab kind of way and my hotness is increasing by the minute. i want to look sexy tonite so i won't feel invisible at the strip bar but i don't think i own anything sexy nor have i in a very long time and right now all i know about sexy is high heels and extra eye-liner.

the fuckhead down the hall is the most annoying piece of shit ever, he has people coming by constantly and one guy is always going through the recycling bin in the alley. i'm wired/tired enough to scream something scarey at all of them. i miss those french people who sound like a romantic sitcom every time they walk in and out of the building.

oh i just realised that this is a different guy down the hall having people by non-stop. so glad we're moving.

this is really unggggh i shouldn't have bothered getting up so early now i just want to eat a lot of food. too bad i'm not addicted to soap operas. maybe i'll work on that. douche bag says what?

tonite we are going to the rippers because we're gettin' the f outta dodge next week so it's the last suburban weekend of debauchery, hopefully i will not turn into a jealous lunatic at the tittysnatch bar. lately as i am adjusting to the crazy pill increase i am a monster and get really sensitive and angry over nothing, and i can't let things go and then after a few drinks i am like, i dunno, satan.

i don't know why i didn't know about this paper before, it's like the onion but dirtier and funnier in an inside-joke kind of way that is specific to torontonians. fuck yah!

i still think i am a total genius for that grey jellybean post though fil said it could have been funnier like how i initially described it to him, i forgot to go into detail about the simpsons episode about the boogeyman so i will now do that. bart walks into homer's room and says now dad i don't mean to alarm you but there seems to be a possible boogeyman or men.... and homer goes AHHH THE BOOGEYMAN! then marge finally comes home from the casino to homer with a shotgun and the kids behind a mattress and a massive hole in the door and she's all wtf?! and homer goes oh nothing marge it was just a case of THE BOOGEYMAN!

do you think i have mental problems?

anyway yesterday when i walked in to the bar the barkeep says to some dude HEY MAN THAT LOONIE SLOT DOESN'T WORK but i thought what he really said was HEY MAN THAT LOONY SLUT IS HERE, referring to me.

this hilarious moment was made possible by the canadian dollar coin, _the loonie_, just in case you americans are like whuuuh?

Dear Lauren,
I finished reading your book yesterday. I like it.

I'm Mike Long--one of the editors you mentioned who tried to get you to write for a publication but ultimately didn't get anything to run--no offense. I'm in Washington, DC, and we swapped emails back in the spring about all that. Anyway.

I think you have true talent as a writer, and for several reasons: You don't hold back about what you're thinking and feeling, you are candid about what you have been through (the toughest kind of bravery, that), and you have somehow come upon a rather new style of writing that I do believe has a place in the world. Other people have tried (and will try again) to knock out prose in this kind of casual tone, but they all end up sounding lazy. Somehow yours holds together in a different way, and for reasons I don't quite understand. Maybe you're working hard to sound that casual, or maybe (and this is the one I'd bet on) it just comes out that way. I am pulled in by what you write, and obviously a lot of other readers are, too. I can imagine you doing great things with your style and your voice (two different things, I believe)--probably, and as you point it, out will be a matter of finding motivation or reason to discipline yourself to do so.

So please know that at least one writer out here--I make a living doing it, so I can claim a little authority--believes you have a future as an author, if that's what you want.

As you note, a lot of people--probably most people--who have had the traumatic experiences you have had would write about them and romanticize them. Not you. You make it pretty clear that being clinically depressed and dealing with mental illness in its overwhelming-ness is not conducive to creativity, let alone happiness. I think that's an important thing for a person to know, especially someone like you.

I always wondered how much of the whole Raymi thing was a hopped-up, literary version of your real life. I tend to think, having read your book, that what you write is pretty much who you are. That's impressive, but it also makes me hope even more that you find some permanent satisfaction and peace of mind in your life. As much as one can know about a person from their writing alone, you seem funny, sensitive, smart, knowing. That can be a fun kind of view to have, a fun person to be. I hope that part is more you than the sad part.

I'll stop here. I always love hearing that what I write connects with a reader, so I figure you feel the same way--and that's why I'm writing to you.

Good luck with whatever's next, and I'll keep reading your blog. Write another book and I'll buy that, too.

Merry Christmas,
Mike Long
Washington, DC

you wouldn't like me

there's a war inside of me
do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song
do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
well I can't stop talking for fear of listening to unwelcome sound
and you haven't called me in weeks and honestly it's bringing me down
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me
and don't you worry there's still time
there's nothing to live for when I'm sleeping alone
and I wash the windows outside in hopes that the glare will bring you around
sunshine is days away I won't be saved I know all the words
I can't say that I'll love you forever
I won't say that I'll love you forever


tegan and sara

i farted.

hi dad.

so i woke up at 6am to pee and then went back to bed, cuddled the cat and called him the little grey jellybean and then i started wondering what flavor the actual grey jellybean is cos i know that one exists by that jellybelly company, anyway, i spent at least a half hour thinking about all the things that are grey like computers, fil's car, a squirrel, dolphin, liver, mushrooms, robots, cement, elephants, koala bears, hippos, mice, and on and on.

and then i started thinking about the BOOGEYMAN and i got really scared cos my feet were sticking out from under the blankets so i stuffed them back under so the boogeyman couldn't pull me into the closet and eat me and then i thought about that simpsons episode about the boogeyman and marge's gambling addiction and i hid under the covers giggling about it and then i thought this is really amazing blog material so i spent fifteen minutes planning how i would write about it which woke me up even more and then i couldn't stop thinking/saying to myself, "and then i thought about..and then i thought about elephants and then i thought about ding dongs...." i was driving myself crazy and i even said to myself and then i was driving myself crazy but finally fil got up to shower and i realised i had chest pains and so i laid there staring at the ceiling trying to imagine myself as 60 years old and then i thought about jellybeans again.

i might even call the supermarket and ask someone to go to the candy bins and tell me what the flavor of the grey jellybean is.

Raymi You probably don't want to hear this, but, in my opinion, i think you should turn off your comments again for even a longer period of time. Apparently this Ask Alice commentor somehow thrives on coming to your site and making retarded comments because either she thinks it's funny or she is desperate for feedback in any form. I think it would be funny to turn off your comments for like 2 months and then laugh at her for continually checking your blog to see when comments are turned back on, so she can continue acting desperate for attention.

MR: I try to get here early, and, depending on how many lines of coke I've
done and how many women I have splayed, whether I got butt-fucked by a huge
black guy at an orgy, I get in, like, by 10:30. I respond to email, talk to
people if they're here (we have a 6,000-square-foot place, four of us, with
three rentals). Then I start cutting up MDF and gluing it into stacks that
eventually I grind into the final shapes. I do a lot of finishing right now
to make everything look nice and smooth and uncraftlike meaning that if it
were a painting you wouldn't see any brushstrokes. I do this by sanding
everything a million times. Then I paint things by stippling them. But you
wouldn't see me painting something and cutting it on the band saw at the
same time. All of the work starts from drawings, which I don't do here. I
pretty much just fabricate here and look at celebrity candid photo sites and
raymitheminx.com. It's not too romantic, although it is kind of old-school,
like making religious sculptures in the Renaissance.


The rest of the interview:

http://www.believermag.com/issues/200512/?read=interview_ronay

just back from the dentist and half of my face is retarded looking and i am sort of high as hell and drooling down my chin and when i yell my lips make fart noises and lying in that chair once the gas kicked in i was starting to enjoy the drilling. i have to go back next week to have the other half of my mouth done and my front tooth filed down so i don't have picket fence teeth anymore.

welcome to my newest injury. last nite at the irish bar my head exploded so i went home and removed half of my thumb with a bread knife.

also just so you know, stupider IS a fucking word but you can feel free to consult other like-minded half-wits like yourself in the bar whether it is or isn't a real word and insult your customer at the same time. why don't you lose some weight while you're at it, fat ass.

sharpachu says:

it's true

sharpachu says:

but don't bug him about it because he will get all testy and FREAK out!

sharpachu says:

i couldn't read anyone's blog yesterday because blogger was down right, so at some point i thought, OMG RAYMI AND SAMIR HATE ME AND HAVE BLOCKED ME FROM THEIR SITES....IT'S A CONSPIRACY

raymi says:

oh hahahahahahaa

sharpachu says:

haha

raymi says:

samir told me about the fotos thing already and how u feel about them

sharpachu says:

oh really

raymi says:

me and fil got in a fight over that too it was all bloggers fault and then his cat attacked my face

sharpachu says:

he probably blamed it all on me

sharpachu says:

omg!!!1

sharpachu says:

you were fighting over blogger being down? or samir taking the worst photos?

raymi says:

no blogger

sharpachu says:

gotcha

sharpachu says:

is your face okay?

raymi says:

cos i turned on the computer when it was suppose to be raymi fil real life time and then blogger was down so i looked at other sites and fil got mad so he wanted to do the same and then we started speaking in chinese and yelling and then the cat jumps on my head and bites my left cheek

raymi says:

he wanted to take my eye out

sharpachu says:

omg! that's crazy/awful

sharpachu says:

are you okay?

raymi says:

that cat is CUCKOO

raymi says:

im fine i just look like i have acne

sharpachu says:

put some polysporin on it

sharpachu says:

and a bandade

sharpachu says:

or even better, hydrocortisone

sharpachu says:

you can get that stuff super cheap at shopper's

sharpachu says:

and, all cat's are fucked!

raymi says:

im gonna put that big retarded white gauze on again but this time wrap it around my entire head

sharpachu says:

like you're a harajuku girl

i am too lazy to go get a coffee plus i don't feel like covering up the cat attack scratches on my face so i am drinking green tea FROM INDIA but i think i put too many leaves in cos it tastes like chemicals. i will probably go get a coffee eventually. i am SO INTERESTING!

i'm deciding whether or not i should put up a picture of what fil's fucking cat did to my face last nite, he could've taken my eye out and was probably hoping to. dude's gonna starve all day long today.

Well, it isn't the informational knowledge of who we are that makes us in the end, but our spirit, and our character, and the character which is desirable is that of a loving one, isn't it? Because despite our past, there is this inevitable future, and one who is of love and striving for perfection will only become sweeter and sweeter as the days go on. There is only hope for such a one. There is only light and life and work and enjoyment for such a one. There is only light and hope and life.
Daniel | 12.05.05 - 2:58 am | #

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

daniel there is only gay and gayer and gayest comment ever.
raymi | Homepage | 12.05.05 - 11:54 am | #

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i have hope for you, since you do enjoy something; that you would find the ultimate enjoyment- of Who Jesus is, the most loveliest and enjoyable Person in the universe. How lovable and lovely You are, Lord Jesus! I love You!
I most certainly have hope for Mrs. Raymi Minx, that she could one day come to know the Lord Jesus. Why? I would want everyone to know this most wonderful one.
Daniel | 12.05.05 - 12:14 pm | #

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

oh shit, raymi, THAT'S what you've been missing! jesus!

maybe if you hurry you could get saved before it gets dark outside!
isabel | Homepage | 12.05.05 - 1:08 pm | #

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

does jesus like to party?
raymi | Homepage | 12.05.05 - 4:47 pm | #

i love midi.



doug phillips says:

today midi played with her baby for a few mins. then chewed on a bone for a great deal of time.

raymi says:

her baby?

doug phillips says:

her baby torso

raymi says:

ew

doug phillips says:

she destroyed her baby

doug phillips says:

now its in parts

raymi says:

oh

doug phillips says:

baby arm, baby leg etc.

raymi says:

got it

doug phillips says:

mid mids i call her mostly

interview rock collective says:

what's in your purse after you already knew that someone was gonna steal it but only had 4 seconds to save something?

raymi says:

make-up concealer, bank card, passport, camera

interview rock collective says:

score. what's in your hands?

raymi says:

right now coffee cup and computer mouse

interview rock collective says:

miss. what's your favourite drink?

raymi says:

uhh red wine

raymi says:

yer kind of slow at this

raymi says:

you are the worst interviewer ever

interview rock collective says:

i know it

raymi says:

well?

interview rock collective says:

all i wanted was to know your favourite tree

raymi says:

poplar

interview rock collective says:

if you only had one more way to get off and one was mysterious mechanical bull and one was someone you've always hated, how do you do it?

raymi says:

someone i hated

interview rock collective says:

would you rather write a famous book or painting

raymi says:

painting

interview rock collective says:

what's your worst kind of beer

raymi says:

one that tastes like the forest

interview rock collective says:

where was your favourite place to be drunk?

raymi says:

new york

interview rock collective says:

was your snatch still very beautiful in new york city?

raymi says:

what?

interview rock collective says:

i dunno i was thinking about next question

interview rock collective says:

would you cheer for israel or palestine

raymi says:

no comment

interview rock collective says:

with your blog, is it more ideal to get a lot of people or a lot of people who get it?

raymi says:

whats not to get?

interview rock collective says:

well yeah but it was a wacky question

raymi says:

i know

interview rock collective says:

what's your favourite national flag that you saw

interview rock collective says:

just based on aesthetic

raymi says:

union jack

interview rock collective says:

what's in your fridge

raymi says:

there are others that i cant think of right now

raymi says:

v8 blue cheese home made soup brita and a bunch of condiments

interview rock collective says:

does brita work?

raymi says:

yes

raymi says:

we never change the filter though

interview rock collective says:

do you ever feel inclined to listen when the v8 thing tells you to "drink your vegetables!"?

raymi says:

no

interview rock collective says:

do you care how blue cheese is made?

raymi says:

yes but i dont like to think about it

interview rock collective says:

and what's in your freezer

interview rock collective says:
(i got OCD about that, i just look everywhere)

raymi says:

frozen peas maple syrup ice cubes

interview rock collective says:

well it's already the worst interview ever

interview rock collective says:

so isn't maple syrup supposed to go in the fridge?

raymi says:

ask fil

raymi says:

i hate maple syrup

interview rock collective says:

who would win polish oscar if you were able to make only three people polish

raymi says:

my three polish neighbours in my old neighborhood

raymi says:

wait they are already polish

raymi says:

nevermind

interview rock collective says:

are you going to eat their ethnic food for nominating them?

raymi says:

i love polish food

interview rock collective says:

yeah it's good

raymi says:

they eat duck

interview rock collective says:

ok so you have to choose between polish food and ukrainian food at a very pretentious and omniscient ballroom and everyone's watching you

interview rock collective says:

what do you choose

raymi says:

i dont know what ukrainian food tastes like. i would close my eyes and decide

interview rock collective says:

would you eat a duck in a cooler way if you were drunk when you shot it?

raymi says:

i would not shoot an animal

interview rock collective says:

would you listen to random internet bloggers who told you to eat some perogies and cabbage rolls?

interview rock collective says:
assuming of course that it has no connotation re: weight

raymi says:

no

interview rock collective says:

say they put you on letterman, do you know how to cackle too?

raymi says:

kind of

interview rock collective says:

would you practice?

raymi says:

just briefly

interview rock collective says:

can you turn your eyelids inside out?

raymi says:

no

interview rock collective says:

what if a really good girlfriend of yours went on a tear and raped straight chicks and gay guys nonstop and you only had one thing to say about it

raymi says:

dude you're fucked

raymi says:

to her i'd say that

interview rock collective says:

yeah i pretty much laughed anyway

interview rock collective says:

what would you say to the 11th person who sneered at you if you woke up and ten straight people had also sneered

raymi says:

id sneer back and lose my temper and scream WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SNEERING AT?!

raymi says:

this interview is just gonna keep going right

interview rock collective says:

no i gotta go have a shower

raymi says:

ok bye

samir and i are arguing about the script i have to write ok no we were discussing it and the other nite while inebriated to the extreme we were trying to talk about it but just ended up talking over each other instead and it was funny. i wrote the paradigm structured and now i feel extremely productive.

today it is very cold outside.

saturday nite me and fil made dinner all by ourselves and it was good. when we were grocery shopping fil ruined the experience by making me explain in detail why i wanted to buy this fancy orange juice and i got very angry and said YOU ARE RUINING MY SHOPPING EXPERIENCE!

last nite i watched this flight 93 movie narrated by kiefer sutherland on the discovery channel and innit was actual phone recordings of people calling their loved ones before the plane crashed in that field and i couldn't sleep all nite because of watching it.

the events of that day have affected my life in a very major way i don't think i will ever get over it and i'm not trying to start a war over what huge terrible event in the world is most important like starving kids and rwanda i'm just saying that i have mini-panic attacks everytime i see/hear something having to do with september eleventh and yet i can't stop myself from being obsessed and i have this overwhelming desire to explain to people exactly how i feel about it, not my opinions but how my heart feels like it is going to explode and my body temperature sky rockets and my hands sweat etc and so on, ungh.

anyway i found some pictures jack took in manhattan that day so i'm gonna put them up.

look it's me in my i am kurt cobain stage except my plaid shirt is buttoned way up to my neck and my hair is slicked back like i am from the spanish harlem, yay!

poor parents yo, they must've been like why can't my daughter be normal or dress like a girl even?

i'd be like you are not coming with us if you are going to look like a lesbo.

your book is like reading a giant 100 page drunken catholic
confessional raymi blog post. that needs to be said so that people that read your blog, the people that go there daily and adore you through what you've written understand that any paragraph from this could have been a post on your blog. and if they love your blog, and they read it everyday and they want to know you better and they want a glimpse of what you've been through and what's inside that girl with the perfect nipples and the hilariously bitchy attitude, then they need to read this book.

i kind of always thought of blogs as public diaries. not anymore.
cuz i found your diary, raymi, THIS is your diary. i snuck into your room while you weren't home and now i'm reading it and it's not the stuff that you show everyone else, it's the stuff that you keep inside, it's the stuff that you write for yourself. it's everything that has made you what you are, it's everything that makes up raymi.

you laid it all out, sweets. they think they've seen you naked? ha. wait until they read it. you're a brave girl, raymi, you really are. cuz you've totally opened yourself up and what's left to hide now? and it makes me adore you even more and when you get home, i'm gonna feel guilty as hell for reading this, but i am gonna give you the biggest hug i can because you're just incredible.

i'm so glad you wrote this, not just because you decided to share it with everyone else, but because you wrote it for yourself. because you can read it and you can say,
jesus, that was my fucking life? and you can get sad for yourself and feel awful that
you put yourself through so much but at the same time you'll feel so STRONG because you survived it and you're still here and you've lived so much for someone so young, even if all you wanted the whole time you were doing that living was to die.
you can hate that you put yourself through so much hell, but love it because it's made you YOU. i hope that writing this and putting this out there helped you.

i like the addition of the stories you'd written. i believe you said that you just did it to fill space, but either way, it worked nicely. this shit is intense, you know? it's intense and it's ugly and it's SAD, (yeah, i know, marketable depression.. it's supposed to be sad, i get it) so some fiction interspersed with the truth was a sweet idea.

something i noticed, that i suppose is just something you DO, is that even when you're depressing the hell out of me i'm laughing. the way you describe situations, the way you handle them, the shit you say, it's just really very funny. i can relate to a lot of the things you've written about, as i'm sure a lot of other people can. we've had some similar experiences (drugs/drug dealer boyfriends/abuse/picturing car crashes/need i go on) and that makes your book much more personal to me. kinda like all of those books with the characters you identify with and the underlined passages and the OH THAT IS TOTALLY ME. so yeah. i actually wanted to die when i read
that part because.. you know that book i sent you? you know how i told you i had three books of the series and i'd send them to you? yeah, well, the reason i ended up
getting you the book that was the whole series combined, instead of sending you the ones i had here, was because i'd underlined SO MUCH shit in those books that i just couldn't send them to you that way. it was way too embarassing. now i know that i could have sent them anyway and maybe you'd have underlined some shit too. who knows.

isabel