i like that new ashlee simpson song cos she says

got my own money
Don't need any man in this room

like finally she isn't a whiny prat like in her reality show and not crying over that douchebag boy, i also think that jessica and nick splitting is having a positive influence on ashlee. i also like that she is trying to be like clockwork orange in the video and her hair is fucking retarded and mangled. her nose could be less mr. burns though.

the song is catchy and i want to dance like a cougar to it.

i had to discuss stuff with my doctor yesterday about how 9/11 made me crazy and describe what panic attacks feel like and how they occur for me personally. about once a week i'll be out somewhere doing my thing and i'll overhear a conversation or a song lyric, see something on television and then my whole body tingles and i feel sheer panic and it lasts a couple of minutes then goes away. whatever it is that sets me off i will interpret it to be some kind of meaning meant specifically for me to overhear or witness, like a sign and then i'll think i am in danger and really it is fucking terrifying and there's nothing i can do about it, i mean, preventitive. it's like a part of my brain is permanently damaged now due to post traumatic stress and maybe a lot of drugs.

so yeah, i'm a lot better at handling it but sometimes randomly depending on my mood or situation i am in, some friggin' song will be playing that i heard when i was in a psychosis state way back when and i'll get the heebie-jeebies all over again.

my heart will pound and pound and i'll sweat a lot and feel faint and flush and then everyone around me is against me or trying to tell me something and i can't figure it out.

so in this sense yeah i guess i am kuh-razy. it's pretty much why i started drinking heavily, if i polluted my brain it wouldn't be able to function manically and make connections and theories about nothing. i know it sounds stupid but in the beginning when i started drinking up again i never felt so safe, like the monsters couldn't get at me cos i wasn't able to think about them and i could be left alone

feh.

RAGEAHOL DREAM!

last nite i was in meika's new apartment and from her balcony i could see the entire city and down below were two fat kids and their father and the kids were being mean to this mom and dad rabbit and their baby rabbit so i sceamed at them from the balcony and they started throwing rocks at me and one hit me in the throat so i jumped off the building and went over to the father and demanded that he call his kids over so i could yell at them some more then they came over and i tore the one kid's wig off his head and threw it down the valley and screamed in his face then punched him several times in the face and yelled YOU ARE A FAT PIECE OF SHITLOSER KID WHO WILL NEVER EVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING then i threw rocks at him and screamed SEE THERE HOW DO YOU LIKE IT!??!!?

then fil peddled by on a bicycle with gwen stefani and she fell off and landed on her face on some gravel.

merkley??? says:

i was born in calgary -- i told you that one billion times

raymi says:

right

merkley??? says:

i might pop in to your town next time i go to new york

raymi says:

i have to crap

merkley??? says:

but i'll be bringing tony peirce

merkley??? says:

we are dating now

merkley??? says:

great

merkley??? says:

now i'm thinking of you crapping

merkley??? says:

i dont want to

merkley??? says:

i better load up the cuteoverload blog

merkley??? says:

i said "load"

merkley??? says:

said

raymi says:

wow that was incredible

merkley??? says:

sometimmes pooping hurts

merkley??? says:

you gotta be careful

merkley??? says:

when you gonna record some more of that drum machine weird stuff

merkley??? says:

where you do insane lyrics like you're on dope

raymi says:

hahaha

raymi says:

did u like that shit

merkley??? says:

yup

merkley??? says:

it'd be easy to finish it up too

raymi says:

theres this cute raymi the minx song by this group of college kids here

raymi says:

they put it on their cd

merkley??? says:

take it to the next level yo

raymi says:

i have it in my gmail somewhere ill send u it

merkley??? says:

it's about you?

raymi says:

yes

merkley??? says:

you're so famous

raymi says:

f u

raymi says:

u are jealous

merkley??? says:

totally

raymi says:

aww

raymi says:

maybe if u werent such a cock

merkley??? says:

when i lived in utah there was a local band called "die merkley die"

merkley??? says:

top that shit

raymi says:

woah nice

merkley??? says:

and they imitated my art really well

merkley??? says:

it made me really happy

merkley??? says:

they werent happy that i was happy

merkley??? says:

so they stopped

merkley??? says:

what do you do all day?

merkley??? says:

besides selling your book to homeless people

raymi says:

i have made over 700 dollars so far

raymi says:

i drink coffee play online take craps and look in the mirror

merkley??? says:

buy me a sweater

merkley??? says:

a brown one

merkley??? says:

with tiny yellow spots

raymi says:

no

raymi says:

i dont have access to that money yet

merkley??? says:

i have only 50 bucks pending

merkley??? says:

because my shit is only marked up 2 bucks

raymi says:

hahaa

raymi says:

well make something nice that i would like to own or wear and i will buy something off u

merkley??? says:

you and fil should take a trip out here

merkley??? says:

i have a guest room

merkley??? says:

you'd love sf

raymi says:

OK we'll do it!!!!!!!!

merkley??? says:

when was the last time you took a real trip?

raymi says:

vancouver

raymi says:

april

merkley??? says:

thats not very far

merkley??? says:

who was that band i told you reminded me of you?

merkley??? says:

fuck

merkley??? says:

i forgot their name

merkley??? says:

german

merkley??? says:

chicks on speed

raymi says:

i love them

raymi says:

isnt calgary like, gay?

merkley??? says:

i never really lived there

merkley??? says:

i was an infant when my folks came to the states

merkley??? says:

seems like it would be a little doofy with the stampede and all

merkley??? says:

so do you socialize with all the bands coming out of your hometown these days?

merkley??? says:

there seems to be a lot

raymi says:

no fil wishes though

raymi says:

can i use some of this on my blog

merkley??? says:

i dont care

merkley??? says:

rewrite all my parts to make them hilarious though

raymi says:

haha

raymi says:

that porknbean guy is talking to me on msn now

merkley??? says:

who's that?

raymi says:

the guy who is always in my comments

merkley??? says:

i never read the comments really

merkley??? says:

most of them bug the crap out of me

raymi says:

me too!

merkley??? says:

when i comment i just skip to the bottom

raymi says:

hahahaa me too

raymi says:

well not on my blog

Parkdale Massive says:

I wanna hang out with you soon

Parkdale Massive says:

but now I have to go buy some lettuce

raymi says:

i wish i was as important as lettuce

Parkdale Massive says:

you are

raymi says:

thanks

Jeffrey says:

I might go to Montreal for New Years for some reason

Jeffrey says:

Like there aren't enough annoying people here

Jeffrey says:

Maybe I'll buy a Ventriloquist's Dummy

Jeffrey says:

at least he will ANSWER ME

Jeffrey says:

neahht

raymi says:

ha

raymi says:

what slut do u wanna visit in mtl

Jeffrey says:

I still like the joke where you take all the cream, sugars and stirrers and throw
them in the trash

raymi says:

thank you

Jeffrey says:

and you're like "should have come earlier"

raymi says:

word

Jeffrey says:

I might go up there with some sluts and retards

raymi says:

who

Jeffrey says:

Boston kids

raymi says:

righty

Jeffrey says:

Jesse's having a New Years party

raymi says:

oh yeah? in mtl?

Jeffrey says:

hello

raymi says:

hi

Jeffrey says:

no, they are having their party in Brooklyn

i don't know why i am hanging out on the floor of the bar maybe it's something i like to do when i am blotto because i have zero self-respect. fil keeps calling me to discuss his comments with him and i am like DUDE MY FONE ISN'T FREE DURING THE DAY AND ALSO I AM PAYING TO USE THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW AT A CAFE LEAVE ME ALONE! something like that and he is all NO ONE CARES! and now i forget what i was going to write about.

making my way over here a dog sniffed my hand and walked along with me for half a block and i wished that i could of hung out with him all day.

at some point last nite after fondue it was the requisite get mad at fil for being uptight and saying something stupid routine. he said i am a firework on a stack of hay or whatever and yeah he may be right but still i do what i do and that's that. how can i be expected to enjoy myself if i can't say what i want to say and how i want to say it? i guess i could make an effort to be less obnoxious but FT! i look around me and no one else is trying so whatever, why should i bother when people don't bite their tongues and are as equally rude to me?

and everyone who disagreed with me about the book excerpt can go blow, don't take things out of context. i'm not in the mood for an ethical debate about boozing at the age of 22 vs. the age of 30.

also, just cos i have friends to hang with and drink with doesn't mean i'm not lonely, there is no typical way of an alcoholic's life or a depressed person's for that matter. i spend everyday from 8am to 6pm more or less ALONE everday, why the fuck do you think i am blogging so much. i don't know how to function properly during the day and around people unless we are all watching tv together.

anyway enough about me, let's discuss YOUR problems today.

here is an excerpt from marketable depression.

In the beginning you try and make the drinking bit of your life appear to be as glamorous as possible and for a while there you get away with it but then all of a sudden your beer gut is not going away and you turn into a poor man's Tara Reid except with nicer tits.

You lose the capacity to attain a drunken stupor. It only happens when you're with ten other people and you drink for several hours straight and mix everything under the sun and this probably means nothing to those who party every weekend and consider that alcoholism and are thinking in their heads yeah whatever I know what she is talking about.

No, you don't.

When you are drinking every single day, talking daylight hours to roughly one in the morning, that, is, alcoholism. So shut up.

Alcoholism is not a dance floor on a Friday night with a tie around your head and friends from out of town that spills into Saturday and Sunday morning and then you get back to the regular. With alcoholism the music never stops and you are always dancing whether you like it or not.

There's a moment of happiness here and there scattered throughout when you look inside of yourself and go hey man I feel good, I feel buzzed, this is alright.

But it never lasts.

As pre-mentioned, your memory just, disappears. It's a bit scary at first because it's like a message to you that you might have a little bit of a problem, you can't pinpoint certain events of the night previous. Did I fuck that guy? Did I say something bad? How did I get from that one bar to that girl's place? Did I take a cab?

And so on.

But that's what we want when we drink right? That's what depressives want. We want time to just go away and we use booze to make that happen and what's great is there's always another like you at the bar and if you're lucky that somebody is worse off and then you are allowed to feel relief because that dude has been up shit creek several times over and you, well, you've only just now rented your boat.

But these shells of people you meet along the way, like your fleeting memory, they are but warnings of what may be in store for you if you don't shape up. But it's no matter you tell yourself, out of sight, out of mind, you've got plenty of time.

Though you doubt it.

Can you really come back from this addiction?

Probably not. It runs in the family and look at them. Nurture nature whatever, you're FUCKED.

someone must be downloading porn here or something cos the internet is broke-city! should i exclaim aloud that i suspect someone is downloading porn? yes no?

speaking of porn, fil says i can no longer rely on my one signature porno bitches freestyle rap and that i should write some new lyrics to yell out when i am drunk raging so i think that i will do that now.

i live in toronto and i ain't no ho but when i see a dick you know i gotsta blow

it ain't whack it ain't wrong i just like to hit that funky schlong

uhhh?

that's pretty much all i got right now.

last nite i vomitted. i am never drinking jager ever again EVER! I MEAN IT THIS TIME! FOR REAL! thinking about the taste is making my stomache churn. i remember getting jealous at some point because fil had a crush on some girl in a movie like ten years ago and i wanted to make a big deal of it but everyone pretty much talked me out of that would-be tirade. i did however get a few cunty remarks in there i'm sure.



tonite we are going back to the 'burbs for some fondue (sp?) and i am having a wonderful time nattering about saying FUN-DUE!! MORE LIKE FUN-DON'T!

last nite's leaf game was brilliant. fil's mum got him a leaf hat that basically looks like a retard helmet and it is the ugliest effing hat in the world which also makes it the nicest effing hat in the world.



there is a weight room in our building but the sauna is out of order and the treadmill isn't plugged in and a table is in the middle of the room on its side and it is a creepy looking room that makes me feel like i will be raped in it so i haven't done any working out i also gave all of my lounge pants away so i'd have to be like that stupid kid in gym class who never brought his shorts so he was playing soccer in his winter boots and jeans. i hated that kid.

i like how i got nothing but mad props for shitting my pants.

so everyone ended up making out with each other saturday nite on account of my drunklor split personality and then samir was all why won't anyone make out with me!? and he couldn't handle me and sharpie being trashy bulldykes at the horseshoe, but it's not my fault, she said that i talk too much and then mouth-raped me after i shoved her up against the wall and slobbered all over her. and then after i told her and fil to kiss i immediately regretted it cos i got all jealous and on the way back in the taxi i was all DID YOU ENJOY IT TELL ME THE TRUTH!???



and everyone gave me the silent treatment and the next morning fil woke up still drunk and talked really loud and wouldn't shut up meanwhile steve was going to jump off the balcony to go get some food cos he didn't want to leave the door unlocked.

last nite i dreamt i ate 5 blue ecstasy pills then wandered around streetsville and went to a fancy food store and broke the coffee machine and spilled my soup everywhere but the E never kicked in and then i bumped into noel and he looked very skinny and old and then i went down to the park and yelled at noel where is my jacket and it was in my hand and then i couldn't find my pizza and then me and fil were looking for art at sherway gardens and then i saw a guy in a tie that i recognized smoking a cigarette at the park where children were on swings and then we were driving i dunno that dream sucked.

c// says:

hey, how was your weekend?

raymi says:

pretty drunken

c // says:

nice, so you made it count?

raymi says:

hahaha

raymi says:

it was good

raymi says:

i am at an internet place and this girl is clacking the keys extremely loud and i want to explode because of it

c // says:

tell her that the keys aren't nails and her fingers aren't hammers

raymi says:

hahahahhaha

raymi says:

i dont think that would go over too well

c // says:

yeah probably not. if i was her, i'd type louder

raymi says:

i wish i could outloud type her but i have a quieter keyboard

raymi says:

hers is all hollow and grey mine is sleek and black

c // says:

so you got it better regardless. feel good about that

raymi says:

yes but i still have to listen to CLACK TIP TAP TAP TAP TAP CLICK CLACK