raymi and fil jam COME TOGETHER

i'ma singa this song tonite at karaoke and fil is going to touch his balls and wail on his air bass guitar.

dude.

raymi says:

what did u guys do when we left

sodasamson says:

after you left there was a fucking stabbing on the patio at the shoe

sodasamson says:

and I was a witness

sodasamson says:

and had to talk to the cops all drunk and shit

sodasamson says:

and tell them about the dude that knifed the other guy

raymi says:

WOAH

raymi says:

did we see the dude ?

raymi says:

was there a lot of blood

raymi says:

man i am a good cook

raymi says:

fil is calling u he needs to hear the story first hand cos he is a detective

raymi says:

this means that we are cool people because we hang out in rough bars where people get stabbed

sodasamson says:

I'm kidding

raymi says:

WHAT

sodasamson says:

sorry it took me so long to tell you about my extravagant lie but I went downstairs to do laundry

raymi says:

i already had this conversation cut and pasted into my blog

sodasamson says:

I got some street meat and then went home

sodasamson says:

haha

raymi says:

fag

raymi says:

our friendship is over

sodasamson says:

hahahahaha

sodasamson says:

hahahahahahahahahahahha

sodasamson says:

I was being sarcastic

raymi says:

oh yeah WHAT FRIENDSHIP

sodasamson says:

hahahahahaha

sodasamson says:

I can't stop laughing

sodasamson says:

well if our friendship is over

sodasamson says:

...

sodasamson says:

I guess I'll just hang with Phil

raymi says:

fine and you guys can take turns massaging each other's thighs

sodasamson says:

well now I can introduce him to all those pretty girls that I told him about

raymi says:

pretty hags

sodasamson says:

did you call the courier

raymi says:

no

raymi says:

you were serious?

sodasamson says:

yeah

sodasamson says:

I'm hungry

raymi says:

i could do that and u pay when it gets there

sodasamson says:

can you come over and clean my kitchen and then cook me food

raymi says:

tho u may as well order real food?

raymi says:

can you go fuck yourself

sodasamson says:

can you be nice to me???

sodasamson says:

!!!

raymi says:

SAMIR WE ARE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE REMEMBER

raymi says:

also u tell fil about pretty girls?

sodasamson says:

okay well I'll remember that we're not friends tonight... when you're asking me for shit!

raymi says:

ahahhahaaa

raymi says:

asking you for what

sodasamson says:

baaaahahaha

raymi says:

beer? whatever i can go blow someone and get a 24

another reason to be in love with the Hoff.

my favorite television show is 7th heaven and fil likes it too, it's predictible and too easy to make fun of.

"hey preacher boy nice wheels you missed the party it was LAST NITE!"

"Dad...thanks."



Last nite we were walking towards Spadina and there was a group of twenty dudes all loud and rude and i say to fil hey look are those guys me? yes he says. one hoofs a big clear garbage bag full of bottles into the air at us and it lands right at my feet and one goes OH YEAH THAT WAS SOOOOO CLOSE! and i yelled YEAH THAT WAS SO COOOOL GUYS! and we're walking now in the opposite direction and they realise what i said and how it was not NOT sarcastic and one yells back AW COME ON YOU'RE WEARING A BROWN JACKET!

nice burn dingus. sorry i don't wear t-shirts for the three block walk to the shitty university bar i frequent in winter.

best most smartest video of me and jen ever.

andrea inspired this post.

i love science, in grade 6 we had to invent something that actually did something useful and all these morons made elaborate unnecessary inventions to pop balloons for example and i just took a thumbtack and slammed it into the back of part of a wooden baseboard, walked into the room with two garbage bags full of red balloons and popped every single last one and pointed at this one girl and said TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKER whose invention for popping balloons didn't work and she always hated on me and competed with me for some reason and i got the best mark in the entire class. oh yeah and we had a whole month to work on it and i just did mine the nite before and the hardest part only was locating a thumbtack from somewhere in my house, my report was very smart-assy too. pfft. one girl was crying and freaking out and hyper-ventilating about the project the week before even.

i got the best marks from presentations, i waved my hands around a lot and cracked jokes and made fun of people and the teacher and people were like YOU ARE A GENIUS and then i would hand my report in and it would be bare-minimum chicken-scratch full of sarcastic condescention and the teacher would be all THUMBS UP and sometimes she would read my paper to the class only to make everyone feel stupid compared to me, i totally dug that shit. we went to ontario place to watch this movie about the rainforest and another one about , i dunno, animals and tribes who cares and i wrote this smarmy report on the rainforest one about no one caring and the destruction and bla bla and she read it and only mine cos everyone else wrote about flowers and how cool the movie was because it was like bird's eye view type shit like you were flying oh right the other one was about volcanoes, pfft. anyway, i was a deviant asshole cos i knew to score marks was to a) suck up b) write about something no one else is writing about c) make everyone feel guilty



usually the first month of every class i spent being a model and moral student, being polite doing my work, being nice and then being granted special privileges and entering enrichment and spending the last 5 months of the year grossly slacking off to the point where the teacher could do nothing about it because they would not want to be outed on their poor judgement of my "over-achievingness" ways.

putting me in enrichment along with the other smart kids was the biggest mistake ever. you get three smart kids together in the library in grade 7 and in grade 8, unsupervised, do you think they will do any work? our geography project was so terrible, the bristol board drawing of whatever country it was we had was only half colored in, like i started coloring in russia and just like, stopped, so there were long marker strokes of pink across it and the rest was all white. for other countries the color we initially used just ran out, the mark we received was vastly lower than our peers not even in enrichment, ha!

the majority of our time was spent discussing funny movies and comedians and then one guy hacking into the school's administration files on the computer and having his computer privileges revoked so i ended up having to type out the entire project and said FUCK THIS I AM WORKING ALONE.

we use to send hate mail to random companies using his dad's computer and one fishing company wrote back to his dad saying SOMEONE WROTE TO ME SAYING I HAVE A SMALL DICK AND I SHOULD STOP FUCKING MY SISTER... his dad was not impressed.

obviously i am doing everything in my power to not do laundry.

ew look how skinny i was


maybe i should threaten SUICIDE that's the ultimate i love you phil, i think.

raymi | Homepage | 01.27.06 - 4:26 pm | #


i HAVE TO GO.

it's FOR WORK so i can PAY THE RENT.

if it was optional I WOULDN'T GO.

px | Homepage | 01.27.06 - 4:29 pm | #


sure sure "have to go"...

kalipornia | Homepage | 01.27.06 - 4:31 pm | #

TAKE ME WITH YOU THEN LOVER!

raymi | Homepage | 01.27.06 - 4:35 pm | #

it sounds like children are killing each other outside in the park, they are tiny children and when children that tiny are playing they yell a lot and talk loud all at the same time, much like me when i am wasted hanging out with my friends. gay, i just said hanging out.

i have to do laundry and i don't want to because i am allergic to responsibility.

the ending of the eggers book was not as good as i thought it would be. i get what he was getting at though, he could've done better i think. the ending of my book is pretty half-assed so who am i to talk, no one.

i'm starting to lose my mind a little bit over these loud kids, don't they have homes? and their parents milling about watching them, encouraging them to be loud, THE NERVE.

my children are going to speak in sign language only and live in the cellar and eat mice.

i feel emo again today i think i might be pre-menses maybe, or i am listening to sigur ros-like music or cos i have cut out pretty much all carbs beer included or i am just a mess. i am almost finished reading the dave eggers book it's the only thing inspiring me right now. i haven't made a felt creation in a long time.

when people go "raymi is SO honest" i think so what, who isn't, big deal? what's to hide?



apparently i wear my sickness on my sleeve, i guess so maybe, why not exploit it for profit, i may as well get some money out of all that pain and if my story helps at least one other person, good.

fil gets to go on a ski trip next week with work and i am not invited, it reminds me of when i was in grade one and this little girl found out our class was going to the zoo, her brother included, and she was bawling and screaming cos she wasn't allowed to come, i haven't bawled and screamed yet but maybe i should or i will stage a silent non-violent protest and starve myself in the hallway and fil will have to drag me back into the apartment and as he's pulling my legs i will try and hold onto the walls and doorways and eventually he'll just be pulling me by my pants and i will be wearing underwear only and the neighbors will come out and see me on the ground holding onto the corner of the wall in my underwear and i will end my silent-protest by screaming HE GETS TO GO ON A SKI-TRIP! then the door will slam behind me after fil yanks me violently into the apartment.

or i will just threaten to have a big crazy funnest party ever the nite he is gone!

when cid cuddles up in my arms i am thinking, well telepathically communicating to him CID I FORGIVE YOU FOR MAULING MY FACE ALL THOSE TIMES WITH INTENT OF TAKING MY EYES OUT AND FOR ATTACKING ME AT LEAST 4 TIMES A DAY.

i had the best dream, there were all these flowers and colors and i think some degree of celebrity involved and a dog was my friend too and when i told him what to do, he listened!

last nite we didn't drink.

i invented this great side-dish, organic split-pea soup with kale and garlic and parmesan i am a chef. cid likes to help by yelling at me his meows. when he is meowing fil says HI MEOW and i am like YOU CALL THAT A MEOW!? cid helps in the kitchen because he thinks he is going to be fed and i'm all pfft stupid i am opening a can of pea soup not your garbage cat food.

i am prolific.

we watched the constant gardener last nite, amazing amazing amazing film.

adan called me at 5 in the morning to ask me stupid questions and i was like uh why are you calling me to ask about this right now and he says to get it over with, pfft more like coke party over there then his girlfriend calls and says raymi can i talk to you for a minute i said WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT I'M SLEEPING and she goes oh, i thought you were fighting? fuck. then i couldn't get back to sleep. thanks guys.

new one.

Hi raymi, me again!

Thats funny that you get tons of emails when you do the emo posts, i guess
those are the ones that people really relate to. I could really relate to
the shitting to the life aquatic post from the other day. That would be
intense.

Today it was cloudy when I went to work, but rainy when I left so I took
somebody from work's umbrella. (they left it behind) I hope they don't go
back to look for it. I just had to get that off my conscience. I feel better
now.

I bought your book for christmas and then I gave it to a friend. It was
really good. A sort of 'the Catcher in the Rye' for our times. I bet 50
billion ppl have already made that comparison haven't they? I would tell you
my favourite parts but i would want to have the book in front of me so I
could quote it properly. Or not... i really liked the part where you say
that if you feel shitty in xyz suburb and you think going to xyz city is
going to make it better, you're wrong cause you'll just feel the same.
Pretty much true.

Say hi to your cat for me.

-laura

ps. Is your cat really big or is that a normal cat size? I've never had a
cat. Your cat looks like a cross between a regular cat and a lynx or
something. Its huge. Or maybe that's just your expert trick photography...

the quadriplegic twelve wrote a song about me and it is the best song ever because part of it goes like this: shwa malooba meh meh! it is called raymi the minx.



they gave me their cd and signed it. the one guy in the band is the dude who made those raymi comics and my banner as well.

this game is my life

last nite was suppose to be dinner and a movie no drinking nite, well, we had the dinner. then we met samir and some other woman at victory cafe and the other woman bumped into this girl she went to highschool with who introduced her to drugs who had bad hair and is a lawyer and is married and didn't ask my woman-friend anything about what she was currently up to in her life she just prattled on and on with that bad hair of hers and waved her wedding band around and went upstairs to listen to that garbage music those nerds play up there and so woman-friend and i decide to go up there and confront her because WE are exciting and are at that part of our drunk and of course i am a fan of involving myself for no good reason...



so we mill around up there for a bit and get introduced to her husband with the wide face and wide glasses necessitating the wide face and i say so what do you do? and she says lawyer and i say what kind of law and she says litigation and i say THAT'S SO BORING and she makes a face and says no it isn't and woman-friend ME WHAT HAVE I BEEN UP TO? then says what she does and boring bad hair lawyer asks what i do and i say I'M FAMOUS I WRITE and she cuts me off and says THAT'S BORING like a ten year old and her face was all witch-looking and i said actually it isn't i get to drink and party and pretty much do anything i want and you know there's like, the fame and zero-boundaries so yeah, too bad you're not an entertainment lawyer.

so we go downstairs because we have WON and lawyer calls out SORRY I DIDN'T ASK WHAT YOU DID to woman-friend and then we get in a debate with a dude wearing an indiana jones hat who is writing in the smoking room and i think that he is writing down what we are saying, who wouldn't want to i say magnificent things anyway i ask him and he says oh pardon my language i'm writing a piece called the rape of the ROM and i'm all pffffffft and woman-friend gets in on it with the man and i got bored and went back to samir and fil.

i write things you've not seen

i drink drinks in your dreams

my cigarette ashes are tokens

eyes so open

they go all the way around

i wasted the entire day

tomorrow i might go outside

yes i went outside i can say

i only did it

so you won't come home and find me

rotting away

like the apple lady you made

in my head i see me surrounded in grey

it is smoky and dreamy and half-day

i drink champagne

i write and i paint

there is black on the wall

through the keyhole, the hall

a man in a trenchcoat and hat

i am in a negligee and i smoke a long smoke

like in a black and white film and time stands still

i don't think i can listen to the life aquatic soundtrack anymore, i just had the worst crapping experience ever. out of nowhere i had to go but i left itunes playing super loud and the We call them Pirates out here song was on, you know when they sneak to the island to rescue that accountant guy and turns out jeff goldblum is there too playing poker with the Pirates anyway the song is all menacing and tense and perfect rescue sneaking-around music, it's an orchestral piece, trumpets and strings and a drum going marching band styles and it's all explosive and raises your blood pressure like mad, anyway, i am crapping to this music and i have major MAJOR pains in my stomache and my ass is burning and then the neighbours are drilling and hammering and this song is going BLAM BLAMMO KA-ZAOW CYMBAL CRASH! CYMBAL CRASH! BLAM DUN DUN DUUUUUH BLAM BLAM BANG BANGAABANG! and then fucking iggy and the stooges search and destroy comes on and i am like THAT'S FUCKING IT! so i crawled/swished myself over to the computer with my pants around my ankles and turned the shit off and went back to the toilet to have painful hot explosive music come out of my ass instead.

to get over my bad mood last nite we pretended to be spies again but kept smirking on the subway and i don't like it when total strangers are thinking that i am strange or coked-out so we made like we knew each other and then i decided the new spy-game is speaking in codes that don't make any sense and aren't suppose to and that led to speaking in poetry/rhyme which lasted 30 seconds and by then i had a couple g/t's in me and a 50 and things were perking up.



i decided to put out the coolness vibe whilst waiting for my 50 or rather, waiting for fil to get me my 50 and in case you are wondering the coolness vibe means standing alone and leaning against a wall and making it so you are hyperly-unaware of the fact that you are standing alone. pretending to make eye-contact with people beyond the people/persons who glance in your direction when there really are zero people standing beyond the people glancing at you to make eye-contact with is part of putting out the coolness vibe. hmm i smell a raymi's guide to coolness vibes article on the horizon



i decided that i had a crush on john of in flight safety but changed my mind ten times, his voice is truly beautiful and some of their songs sound like sigur ros. i saw rannie of photojunkie.ca and told him i was jealous that he was nominated for a bunch of bloggies. then my crush on john was over because i felt like he was pitying me for telling him his singing was beautiful when really he was genuine about thanking me for my comment but then he said he does not in fact read my blog (fil told me he did) so bing, crush over.



emm was good and trashed which was nice and the backseat of her car was really wet and i was happy that i sat in all of it. i gave emm a button noel made because i like giving out buttons because i am awkward and don't know how to talk to people without feeling like i am neurotic so i shove all this stuff at them, here take it AHH leave me alone.



so i extra hate the neighbours cos it sounds like they are renovating and drilling drills through cement and wood and they are probably doing it because they hate me which makes me hate them more though the renovation noises could be comnig from above or below or the other neighbours but still i like to be consistent and direct my hatred towards them.

i recognize that i drink far too much. whenever i do something i do it too much. in excess is me. now that it's dark, i want to drink. we are going to a show, i want to drink. i play video games, i want to drink. i have a smoke, i want to drink. i watch a movie, i want to drink.

i have drinked myself overweight or something close to it. i don't know what kind of a sober person i might be, manic? shy. most likely. neurotic. extremely moody and chemically-challenged.

it's not a matter of not wanting to drink anymore because i can see myself being drunk for the rest of my life and being perfectly fine with that, it's a matter of being able to not drink anymore and to drink to drink not to drink to be drunk.

i picture a drink in my hand or near it everytime i have a mental image of myself and everything around me is arty and fabulous and i say all the right things and i am very very witty.

sometimes i am so sick of myself.

sometimes it feels like i don't know what to do, i have done all the things i thought about doing and there is no place for me to fit myself into, i don't know how i would fare as a student, i feel like fifteen year olds are smarter than i am and wow they go to school and carry notebooks, how glamorous.



for the moment i am doing what i want to be doing, somewhere very below success and slightly above under-achievement, i am very good at under-achieving and exploiting myself for other's entertainment and being a doormat like hey yeh i'll go to that thing you are all going to yeah sure i can do this for you no problem, me no i'm fine i can do that for free no problem. yeah you think i'm going to be something someday? oh thanks that's nice.

i'm that someone who is forever going to be something someday and that's what my something is. you know how everyone has a something, well mine is that girl who is going to be something, maybe nothing, but maybe something.

this isn't a cry for help and this isn't a woe is me monologue and mom this isn't a write me a long boring psycho-babble comment on my blog and ask me if i want to see doctor bipolar such and such again, stop that shit. this is my blog and this is what i am writing on it today.

no one nominated me for any bloggies, no life-time achievement no best writing no best photo blog, no best canadian blog, humor i don't really expect to be the best in any of these categories, being at least nominated would have been nice at least for the life-time category since i've been at this since blogger began, late 1999 when i was 17 and now i am almost 23.



this is a bitter post and i am bitter because i turned myself into a drunk, i have been blogging forever and the conservatives won and i am unhappy with my body i drink cos i am unhappy and i am unhappy cos i drink and still no one nominated me.

this is a fuck you to everyone pretty much.

i pretty much hate our neighbours, no reason why really, i just decided yeah i hate them. something about the woman's weirdness and that wreath comment and the late-nite guitar playing which has pretty much stopped but still, i hate them.



we tried to play trivial pursuit with jen but that game went nowhere fast what with ADD hyper drunks playing and fil always winning and there being no chance possible to cheat so instead we played with the bouncy ball and drew each other with chalk.



i am not drinking for the rest of the week, tonite i will drink gingerale and be incredibly moody.



at nite i can see homeless men changing their pants in the park, they usually wear big size old man white underwears, there is a garbage bag near the bench that looks like a dead person. sometimes they try to fall asleep standing up. they never acknowledge us, sometimes i think about bringing them food or a blanket but they seem to not want to be bothered or extremely high and i don't want to be attacked.



jen drew fil as moses and i was saying DON'T FORGET THE BAGS UNDER HIS EYES, DON'T FORGET TO MAKE HIS NOSE CROOKED AND ONE OF HIS EARS STICKS OUT FURTHER. i am mean.



it was a terribly busy weekend and now that it's over and people flew on airplanes to go back where they came from i wonder what we will do with ourselves. i guess i will make a bunch more felt things. oh tonite we're suppose to see in-flight safety with sean and em at the horseshoe and yes i will be drinking gingerale there.

sharpie is going away for two months, this saturday will be the last-time sharpie bender 'til spring. i just spelled spring like sprong. sprong is the best.

that's my morning hotness

here me and jen in video form make moustaches out of my hair, i am a dirty perv truck driver and she is a japanese servant or something i dunno. we were playing with my bouncy ball before that and throwing it at each other's stomaches, whipping more-like, it was like sucky girl jackass. fun.

i sliced my finger yesterday it fucking hurts to type.

oh yeah also if you care to acknowledge the background music in the video - it is perfect background moustache music.

that is all.

take THAT store-bought fake moustache poseurs!