i think nudity is boring as hell, my tits especially. sometimes i wish i never showed them. but then i think wait what that's bullshit.

i am always in a bad mood because i am continually disappointed.

i am writing a new book. it is fiction. it might be a bunch of short stories or it might be one long story. once i have two pages written i am like wow this is an entire story in two pages because i am very concise and i feel details are pointless people can make them up on their own. maybe i will turn it into a choose your own adventure and kill off every single character, maybe. i want people to come away from my story feeling absolutely miserable and desperate and then they will be inspired to write a book and when they sit down they will be overcome with grief or something like it.

i always felt like i was better and smarter than everybody else anyway.


i am a weirdo

i've decided to start applying myself.

get these and more styles here.

sarah came over for st.patrick's day with some whiskey and she was wearing a dress and it was strange.

horny


depression

i really like to read my blog a lot because it is funny and it looks really good and i have really good opinions and i am attractive to look at and i am queen of the underground and i rebel against conformity man like diggit cos my template is so totally grassroots oldschool i am like a cassette tape blowing down the street and you walk over to it and see that it is an ac/dc cassette and you are like "wicked" inside of your head and immediately think of lightning bolts and tattoos well yeah that's me not you so fuck off.

this rules.

i just got off the phone with sarah and sighed dramatically then exclaimed "i am SO popular." we are going to hang out later.



this is gremlin st. patrick. he is for sale. make an offer. i made something else too but already drunk gave it away to steve last nite. i even called myself on that to fil saying i should hide my things cos the evil booze monster makes me give them all away. maybe i will tie some ribbon to this guy and wear him for a necklace cos he is green. noel are we hanging out later too at some point tonite?

it's funny when people say YEAH I AM OK WITH ABORTIONS BUT NOT LIKE WHEN GIRLS USE THEM AS A FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL.

fucking morons. getting an abortion is hard, it's not something you wake up and just do, there's a process involved and all this shit you have to do you can't like get one every other week.

i want to throw rocks at people today.

steve is over, he's hiding out to surprise his dad for his 59th bday party on sunday. we're gonna go shopping, well he is and i am going to help. we need to find green shirts for tonight. well i have mine already, i need some green flair.

they're gonna sign papers to begin the process of letting my grandma slip away. she can't swallow and the pneumonia fucked her up some. making stupid cock jokes now seems like, meh.

you are allowed to give me a card with a lot of money inside of it for my birthday i decided. money will make me feel a lot better.

Raymi,

I've wanted smaller boobs my whole life but I've been cursed with big
ones since I was like 12, honestly. If you have big boobs, you have to
be really emaciated for people to think you're thin. Also, guys guess
you are way older than you are all the time. And they always ask if
you have implants (maybe that's a US thing..) You should be grateful
that you can go without a bra and wear awesomely cut dresses and tops.

Marith

i'm at elizabeth's and we are having a sewing bee, i already made two things. there are potheads here too. i am drinking gin and tonics becaue i am eccentric and better than everyone and this guy was here who had really long dreadlocks and he's white and i was nice and didn't say anything when everyone began discussing his hair. he's a student and so is elizabeth's friend and they were getting angry cos they didn't understand why talking about education isn't interesting they were all ARE YOU SERIOUS and in my head i was like I COULDN'T BE ANYMORE SERIOUS but i played it down some but then this girl says I HATE HOW YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO BE INTELLECTUAL THESE DAYS and inside my brain exploded and i said calmly but firmly that you are perfectly allowed to be intellectual, yer just not allowed to be pretentious about it and it was pretty obvious neither could distinguish the difference between pretentious nerd and intellect so i asked SO WHAT'S YOUR VIEWS ON ABORTION.

i learned today that i don't like talking to students.

i said i prefer REAL LIFE experiences and they went on some tangents and i purposely spaced out and thought about how amazing i am.

i'm just gonna drink as much gin as i can get away with without them noticing and then leave.

hi liz don't let your friends read my blog ok bye!!!!!!!!!!

we saw capote last nite. i very much enjoyed it and found myself engrossed right off the bat. i was worried i would have to tell everyone to shut up but some old crotchety guy saved me from that when he went shhhhhhhhh, that was funny. the hanging part is disturbing. capote's heart gave out when he was 84 due to complications caused by alcoholism. something to look forward to. he always had a gin and tonic in his hand. i counted like 200. after the movie is over you will be very depressed in a good melancholy way like siiiiiiigh i am so sad right now i am walking in a dark cloud of sadness no one understands how i am feeeeeeeeeeling.

i forgot to say we saw failure to launch a few days ago. i give it 9/10 stars, it is actually pretty hilarious and the crazy girl roommate will remind you of me.

on our way home i said to fil hey lets go down this alley that smells like someone is smoking PCP in as a shortcut and turned out the smell got stronger and fil thought 1. i must smoke pcp cos i know what it smells like 2. i must have smoked it in this alley before cos we walked right into this stench.

no i have not smoked pcp. it smells like nail polish apparently, my roommate walked in once when i was doing my nails and exclaimed WHO IS SMOKING PCP!? and i said what? then he described the similar smell.

fil asked me how i knew that alley was going to smell like pcp and i said i dunno educated guess cos i could smell whatever it was before we went down the alley and just surmised that the alley would probably smell like it too having no idea that it would be the source of the smell but this explanation wasn't good enough for fil, we argued about it all the way home. he asked me how many times i had been in that alley and i said once before during the film festival a few years ago.

me: I WAS MAKING A FUCKING JOKE LIKE HA HA LETS GO DOWN THIS DARK ALLEY AND GET MUGGED AND SAY WE DID GET MUGGED AND YOU SAID HOW DID I KNOW THAT WOULD HAPPEN?! I DON'T KNOW! IT WAS A COINCIDENCE. FINE FROM NOW ON I WILL NEVER MAKE JOKES EVER AGAIN COS THEN IF IT HAPPENS YOU WILL THINK I SECRETLY CALLED SOMEONE AND TOLD THEM TO SMOKE PCP/ROB US...ETC.

i thought i was the paranoid one, jeez.

i spoke to ward on the fone last nite for the first time in a long time. he told me about how he was mackin' some married woman for a week and i said uh weren't you afraid her husband would find out and murder you and her? and he said no, he's nerdy looking. i said ward, YOU are nerdy looking. and he said NO I HAVE EARRINGS NOW.

BWAHAHAHAHHA.

sigh.


a video

me and fil have a very nice conversation

come to think of it the only reason my brother made the nintendo club was because he wanted my two dollars. i emailed my dad about the club and he said it was cute and i asked if he was sad that he has two retarded children. he hasn't responded yet.

i just went and got supreme clientele (ghostface killah) and it is so far my greatest accomplishment this month, possibly in all of 2006. i use to have a burnt copy of it who knows which fucking scavenger-friend took it. i just imagined myself sending a few people some songs off it from itunes and immediately felt extremely greedy and selfish, strange, like i want to keep it all to myself and i don't want anyone else to hear it, not even fil. sorry. go get your own copy. you will not regret it.

ghostface is the only good thing that came out of wu-tang. oh and maybe some bees.

"in my opinion those who do not like you fall into two categories, stupid, and envious." - the libertine.

fil was telling me about the club he started when he was seven that was dedicated to saving animals and stuff. he said it cost 50 cents to join and he typed up a bunch of rules for the club. the 50 cents was for administrative costs. haha.

it made me think of the nintendo club my brother and i started once. it cost two dollars to join cos i had two dollars at the time. we invited everyone in our complex. we made elaborate folders and drew pictures of our friends for our file records. my brother was the president and i had a low-ranking position that i don't remember. no one in the complex was made aware of this club. it disbanded within an hour. i don't think i even got my two dollars back. that club sucked.

my tits feel big today and kind of saggy and old. i am not saying that to be erotic. erotica is the gayest thing ever. his hands skillfully mastered their domain, my body, a playground of mystery, curves...hills... SHUT UP YOU SCRAGGILY-HAIRED HIPPIE YOU ARE GROSSING ME OUT!

words you are not allowed to say:

menses

lover

spooge

squishy


don't you dare ask me why, i will BAN you from my comments.

anyway back to my tits. what the fuck? my friend melody told me they might grow some more, she said hers did when she turned 27. how funny would that be if like next week i had double d's? gross.

has anyone guessed the theme of my blog this week yet?

sometimes i wonder, am i crazy or am i just eccentric?

depressed people have it bad and you don't really understand until you are plagued with this super emo feeling that won't go away on its own it's like sinking into a couch and you are thinking everybody hates you, it's so gay.

this has been the worst month and i can't even think of a reason why. i keep thinking my grandma is going to die on my birthday or leading up to it, everyday it's she is better then she is worse, better worse better worse ungh.

another way to make a shitty blog post is to bring everyone down.

i wish i had cheese and crackers.

maybe i will eat a whole pizza because anorexics eat pizza.

my sleeping pattern is totally fucked i wish i was asleep right now. i hope i don't have more episodes. if it weren't windy i would go longboarding today.

blogs are dropping left and right.

i need a vacation.

last nite i screamed out IF THE LEAFS DON'T SCORE I WILL FUCKING KILL MYSELF and this fat chick turned around and said THERE'S KIDS THERE giving me stink-eye and my mouth was open in shock like DID SHE JUST CHASTISE ME FOR THE F WORD OR FOR SUICIDE? everyone else was yelling and swearing but i was the only one who got a lecture and you know what it happens to me ALL THE TIME. i guess i am the one who angers people most like in a line-up of people you would want to tell off, i'm the number one choice always.

anyway then the row behind us started trash-talking our row and said i wasn't even hot and then me and fil started fighting and pitt got retarded and went to scarborough kidnapped by a cabbie and called the cops and they arrested the guy for assault and kidnapping.

GO LEAFS!

also pitt went down a railing in the ACC like superman aka cristian slater. it was pretty amazing.

a poem by raymi

this blog is the best
all other blogs are inferior they should be laid to rest
oh this blog is the best
the best best best best BEST

the internet was invented for me only,
i don't care what you heard about the army
this blog has big muscles
and they got that way from dumb bells

sometimes your parents read my blog
and even your dog
and they wish i was their daughter
because i am way hotter

oh this blog is the best
it would score 100 per cent on a test
oh this blog is the best
it has the nicest chest

my template is amazing
it tastes like gravy

this blog is ethical and political
and you cry like a little girl
and your jokes aren't funny
and you don't have any money

this blog is your only friend
it is very good looking
the end

i don't expect anyone to get me anything i'm just joking, i don't need anything.

crazy people dressed like ghosts with santa claus beards are the best.

here are things i want for my birthday:

deer thing

sari pillow

drug dealer magnets

shower curtain

mitten pup

pup cup

birdie blue

top thing

socks

i'm bored already and you are all selfish.

HOW TO NOT WRITE A SHITTY BLOG POST (questions to consider)

1. have you written about this before?

2. are you writing about a dream? seriously, do you think we want to read about your dream? this is hard not to do, especially when you are desperate for material, it's like how you are not suppose to talk abuot your ex on the first date but you do it anyway. if you MUST write about your dream, don't go into detail, three basic facts will suffice.

ex: i dreamt i was eating a donut. then i was paranoid it would never digest in my stomache. it was a yellow donut.

random pointless facts are funny. here is another version of the same dream but with way more boring details.

i was walking to the donut store, walking and walking walking...oh i saw, this...guy, and i knew that i was very hungry....blsakfesgklrebvgkdsv U&TU%R*&f HJBVNMvljgl and then i freaked cos the donut was so, porous.....and KUGAXS;iu sagfvew vfdsf iuewlg a vanilla ice cream cone, strawberry sandwiches, a kitty cat some tea kettles...saeh rwiuf dskjfb and then i thought oh NO this will be in my stomache FOREVER and i was trying to determine what color the donut actually was cos i remembered this one time that colors mean something so i think it was like a beigey creamy color closer to yellow, but.. not quite..yea, maybe come to think of it the donut was yellow. anyway so as i was chewing.....

you see? fucking boring.

3. what is the point of this post? are you referencing a comment someone made to you three months ago but no one read or even cares about?

4. are you writing about your sister's wedding? WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR SISTER IF WE DID WE WOULD BE READING HER FUCKING BLOG!

5. are you writing about a movie that sucks? seriously don't tell me some movie that clearly sucks is awesome i will come over to your house and set off fireworks in your livingroom until you "get it"

6. are you writing about a musician or music group like it just came to be popular yesterday but everyone else has known about it/them for at least a year? seriously, shut the fuck up. do you think writing about music makes you cool? who are you, me in grade seven?

7. do you write about the clothes you wear like your style is original? oh wait is that a foto of your repro spicoli vans that only retarded jocks wear? oh, it is? NEAT!

8. are you beating a dead horse? are people NOT BUYING your shit or joining some group you invented STILL? guess what? YOU ARE A FUCKING LOSER!

9. are you ripping me off? yes? ok that's a good blog post then.

10. are you writing about me? also brilliant cos i will link you and at least 500 people will visit your blog today.

raymi makes the bed

this is how you get people to tell you super secret stuff at parties when you meet them for the very first time and then later on you talk to their friends who they've known for years and are like joe blow told me this this and this and their friend is all WHAT I HAVE KNOWN JOE FOR TEN YEARS, HE NEVER TOLD ME THAT - YOU MET HIM FIVE MINUTES AGO AND HE TOLD YOU THAT!?!??!

1. get wasted

2. get joe blow wasted

3. divulge a bunch of personal information about yourself that you've told to various other people before in the past, bonus points for watery-eyes.

4. eye contact

5. touch their shoulder and smile a lot, nod your head

6. make them feel like they are the only person at the party and they have your undivided attention. ask the right questions, stick to the same subject, it will lead you to the juicy shit.

7. tell them a hilarious gossip bomb about someone you know

8. by now they should be telling you a bunch of secrets

9. memorize everything they say

10. act like it's no big deal that you know this shit

11. tell their friend about it the following day

12. forget about all of it

so instead of meeting sharpie for dinner i made tofu chicken rice onion butter chicken whatever and shared it with fil and i am still anorexic cos amorexics eat huge portions of butter chicken.

we rented domino even though i said i would not see it again, i needed to watch some fluff. serious movies make me want to drink booze. so we drank diet coke.

skinny bitches who drink diet coke and say they drink it cos they like the taste better than regular coke are lying fat slobs and i know this because I AM ONE. diet coke tastes like chemical carbonated soup and makes me feel like shit like my insides are mutating and drying out and my head feels like i drank arsenic.

that's all i got.

Pitt actually says something intelligent for once.

Nice try, but he hasn't fired me yet

all right... so I'm speed reading your blog at work, scrolling pretty quickly. My boss walks up, looks at the screen, whatcha doing? Bang! Boobs. Two of them. Now to the casual observer this might be a bad thing, your boss catching you looking at boobs that aren't your own. But I play the honesty card, and tell him "looking at boobs with you". And all ends well.

Thomas

one year ago today

haha to add to that i would be like, "excuse me last year you guys told your dad you'd wait in the car while he settled up the bill and he never did. seems to me someone owes me for two bills tonite."

oh yeah people who use the word 'dashed' are irritating pretentious closet homos.

"i dashed out his brains"

excuse me, what? you ran out his brains? oh, ok.

thinking about not eating makes me super irritable and tonite we're meeting sharpie for dinner. ungh. i don't know how anorexics can enjoy being anorexic. so many hours of my day are spent thinking about eating, what i am going to buy to cook, i dunno how anorexics fill their days and kill time. day 7 of anorexia: today i ate a piece of lettuce for three hours and now i am going to blow my brains out cos it was so fucking boring. goodbye cruel fat world.

i ripped off 90 per cent of my baby toenail saturday nite wasted. idiot.

Lips & Assholes says:

fine

raymi says:

good

Lips & Assholes says:

great

raymi says:

are you on your period too

Lips & Assholes says:

no

raymi says:

well u are always bitchy

raymi says:

is like being a bitter seahag the thing that people are doing in San Francisco right now

Lips & Assholes says:

its cause i hate white people like the black panthers

raymi says:

oh my god i dont hate them

raymi says:

i also mentioned the kkk u moron

Lips & Assholes says:

hahahahahah

raymi says:

yer the one who said it wasnt hip to be black right now

raymi says:

u have black guilt

Lips & Assholes says:

yeah thats part of my plan to fuck with your head

Lips & Assholes says:

i secretly want to impregnate all the white women so they have brown babies

Lips & Assholes says:

do you know about the brown babie$?

raymi says:

u were seriously angry that i mentioned the black panthers?

Lips & Assholes says:

the girls, i mean

raymi says:

i dont care

Lips & Assholes says:

i want you to write about them, but dont mention my name cause i want to do a couple of them

raymi says:

what is so cool about wearing bomber jackets and listening to public enemy and wearing black berets and blaming all of your problems on whitey

Lips & Assholes says:

but trash talk them

Lips & Assholes says:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Lips & Assholes says:

that was funny

raymi says:

thanks

Lips & Assholes says:

good job

Lips & Assholes says:

but yeah

Lips & Assholes says:

trash talk the BB$

raymi says:

like that one guy on fresh prince of bel-air who wont let carlton into the fraternity cos he isnt black enough and will is all tryin' to defend him and carlton goes, "no will, i got this one." AHHAHAHAHAHa

Lips & Assholes says:

hahahahah

raymi says:

why do i trash talk them, i dont want a bunch of brown girls to kill me

Lips & Assholes says:

they all live in LA except for maria and natalie

Lips & Assholes says:

http://thehundreds.com/lalifestyle/brownbabies/interview.html

Lips & Assholes says:

theres all you need to know

raymi says:

http://listings.drenchedinpain.com/freshprince/1.jpg

Lips & Assholes says:

they are a crew of girls who are known for nothing but looking cute and being at parties

raymi says:

Lax: My girls are a bunch of strong, creative-minded, and fashion-forward females that represent many aspects of the Los Angeles street couture culture… SHOUT OUT TIME! :

Lips & Assholes says:

like paris hilton, but brown.

raymi says:

wow how boring

Lips & Assholes says:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

raymi says:

im sorry but this would be the most boring unfun thing to write about

maybe i will become bulimic. or anorexic. don't worry i won't, i like thinking about it though. i'm so stupid i should've been anorexic over winter cos i can subway and cab everywhere and now have to walk. me and fil ate at victory for lunch on saturday and i said ok maybe i will go make myself puke after this and he got angry cos i was talking in this THIS IS NOT A BIG DEAL kind of fashion like if someone was talking about being molested like they are doing laundry you want to punch them?

anyway i am not good at commiting myself to anything that would take pleasure away from my daily life so whatever.

i also have zero advice for bulimics and anorexics so don't give me sob story comments because 1. i don't care 2. hearing about that is boring 3. girls who are not fat who think they are make me want to hurt them 4. i have my own problems



wow i thought my mean bitchy attitude went away, maybe not.

ok so i am suppose to add more people to the annoying list:

germans, that's all i can remember. they are annoying cos they are very black and white and get super pissed off very easily, not unlike me but at least i see the in-between, they're just all NO NO NO and that is that so i am like OK THEN and i key their cars. everyone who got all angry about my list just shut up, i don't hate any of them i just think they are annoying. you mean to tell me feminists aren't annoying? tell me one non-annoying thing about feminists and i will get you a life-time supply of oranges.



people with dreadlocks are very annoying. the entire 1990's: annoying. any and everything having to do with poetry, annoying. slam-poetry? come on there's nothing more embarassing then someone sticking it to you in a rhyme, like what are you singing? if you want to rhyme out loud you could at least rap it or sing, what's this talking rhyming shit? are you dr. seuss? wow so amazing you rhymed at me, ooooh.

THE BACK OF HER CRACK WAS A SHACK KRACK A LACK DADDY MACK SHORT STACK HEART ATTACK TO THE KNACK...

wow so very deep i'm like really contemplating stuff now, totally changed my perspective and shit lets go drink some chai and give each other back massages on the floor cross-legged.....zzzzz.....

i eat trees
trees with fleas
if you want some too
you will have to say please



i can make a toothpick
i cut down a tree
and trim it and sand it
until it is very very small



for some reason
the cat likes to sit on the microwave
it's like his hangout spot
when he is there he is saying basically
hey, i am hanging out



i can go a long time without talking to anybody
and then i go to buy stamps or something
and they are like hey
i am like wow you just blew my mind

fil just texted me a list of things i could do today: laundry, the sheets, recycling, take the garbage down. i am purposely not responding to that text. these were all the things i was going to do anyway but now my ego is angry so i will do them later, maybe after i am done writing five posts about how much fil sucks.

he was totally wasted on saturday nite. we saw that chick at the drake, the discovery channel daily planet aussie. i yelled out at her I LOVE YOUR SHOW and then i thought she thought she was better than me and i wanted to leave cos i don't like people thinking i am not cool but luckily we stayed on and got plastered some more and shit-talked everyone around us.

fil was like do you even know the name of her show? and i was all yeah it's like planet discovery something.

martin showed up and flirted with a girl who's tiny italian cigar-smoking bf materialized out of nowhere and we got it in our heads that we were gonna hve to fight him so fil put a bic lighter in his fist in case he had to do some punching. ok tough guy. then we went to meet samir and kept bragging about how much we were getting along for once (me and fil).

then we came home finished off some wine and microwaved everything in the freezer and ate it. fil gave me a drunken speech about how i poured myself more wine than him. haha.

the next morning he gave me another speech about how i double-fed cid in his underwear in the bedroom doorway and even like cleared his throat for effect and said he is master of all things cid or something and i shot out of bed and said YOU ARE ACTUALLY GIVING ME A PREPARED SPEECH IN YOUR UNDERWEAR.

look look look

I dreamt about you again last night. We were stranded
at sea, and they only had so much food to ration. You
had zipped open the cooler that they kept all the food
in, and had opened up this huge package of tofu. You
were mawing down on a piece, and one of the "leaders"
in the group was getting all angry at you - about how
you were going to start anarchy if you just snacked
whenever you felt like it. You got all defensive, and
backed away, still cramming tofu into your mouth.
They asked if you had taken anything out, and like a
magic trick, you started pulling buckets of food out
of your jacket - and I mean buckets - steaming buckets
of butter chicken, and another of palak paneer. I was
truly dumbfounded as to how you hadn't spilled any
inside your jacket, and why you had taken tofu if you
did indeed eat meat.

Later, we painted huge styrofoam pieces gold, and
escaped from the ship, as our "leaders" were tyrants
of a most brutal sort.

The end,

Love,

Amberjane

siskacandbasilb

ignore the fact that i look like an ugly man with a bad wig - that guy beside me is jd fortune the new inxs guy, when he use to work at le chateau on yonge st. haha. this was taken 8 years ago.

i wish i could drunk-dial my blog, well i guess i can sort of, like late-nite drunken commenting. but it would be nice to be able to call my blog on the phone and talk to it. i should buy it a cellphone, yeah.

maybe there should be a hotline.