kiefer takes down the tree

i swear i will fucking kill myself if i don't get to be trashed with this guy at least ONCE in my lifetime. i trust you to kill me? is this a series on the horizon? sooooo long 24, PEACE!

look how crazy i was, brought to you by tony pierce.



car crash

watch how the reporter DOES NOT help out.

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY

i laugh my head off everytime a news show does a feature on the dangers of myspace. last nite some lady was all it's like the new playground for kids!!!

no shit einstein! what's that you say? there's books in the, library? huh what? water is wet?!! GET OUT OF HERE!

i'm not disputing that everything said was or wasn't true wait am i doing that double negative thing? anyway i agree that the kids should be monitored and bla bla you'd think parents would be more on the ball with this shit by now so i don't have to watch a recycled news feature about myspace every nite.

JEANETTE HAS A COMPUTER IN HER ROOM I CAN'T CONTROL WHAT SHE DOES WHEN I'M ASLEEP!

i have an idea, make your own myspace account posing as a kid your child's age and dupe them into adding you then spread a vicious rumor about your kid having herpes or being a slut or whatever all over myspace. DO IT!

or plan a movie date and then when YOU show up and not some 4 foot emo kid your daughter will be all DAAAAAAAAAAD! YOU ARE SOOOO EMBARASSING! and you can go that's right, KIMBERLY_CUTIE_1990 YOU ARE FUCKING GROUNDED!

blogTO interviewed me.

my responses are off the hizzle, obviously.

If you could gather all of the bloggers of the world together into one room and tell them one thing, what would it be?

"i would charge them each 1 dollar at the door and after that i would say ok i will tell you what you REALLY want to know when i get back from the uh...bathroom THEN I WOULD LEAVE. i dunno, am i insightful now all of a sudden? in one of my fantasy podium speeches i am standing in front of a bunch of people and i start of by saying and sort of crying and i say looking at you all is like looking at the ocean, if you are ever feeling too big about yourself you go stand by the ocean and you will feel so very small and insignificant and your troubles also, it's suppose to be humbling and then i say so you all, are my ocean - so i figure if i say something like that i would get a standing ovation and probably a movie role too."

i just about lost it during the will&grace finale last nite - when karen and jack are singing unforgettable to each other and jack is playing the piano and how they aged his face !!! that karen chick is getting her own talk show can't wait.

super gay tv post!

i had an MRI this time for my spine cos of those body numbness tingles i get, i've had one before for my brain and saw a neurologist and so from those tests they haven't found any white cells which is good and so this was just one more test to see if there's anything and that's it. i am thinking it's my anti-depressants and drinking that does it to me though you never know. last nite was sober nite 2006 wot!

thailand traffic

HONEY WHERE ARE MY INSANITY PILLS!?!?!1145E98Y65?

i had an mri today and i fell asleep in the machine despite the ratta ratta tat TAT TAT machine gun noises it makes. that's why i haven't bloooogged. sorry gays. they didn't have to inject me with the radioactive dye cos the pictures came out clear enough. i'm fuckin' tired. i'm simmering chicken korma right now and fil is on the couch and we are going to spend the next few hours fighting over television. i wanted to get a new board game and fil is like MORE LIKE BORED GAME. i bet if i snuck out and got the lord of the rings trivial pursuit he would be all about it.

here is an excerpt from the book i am working on now:


I am going to make a movie about rogue bicycles that come alive at night and wreak havoc on the city of Toronto and cause lots of crime and destruction then come daylight hours they settle back to where they were locked up and the city is all confused as to how and why the fuck Toronto is all trashed every morning and who is doing it and the main character who wears a grey, zippered hoodie has this vintage, silver BMX that has the capability to come alive during daylight hours and they communicate via telepathy and the BMX tells him that the bikes are behind all this crime so he tells the mayor and alerts the press but they just think he is crazy 'cos he can't prove the telepathic communications like he's riding on his bike in front of the mayor and screaming SEE WE ARE TALKING RIGHT NOW! But all the mayor sees is this dude riding around in circles in front of city hall and then he sends the police after him to lock him up but he gets away and spends the rest of the movie fleeing from the cops and eventually the bikes go mental on civilians and so turns out he was telling the truth and then they have to bring in the military and it's pretty much what Terminator 4 will be like when it comes out except man against bicycle.

Fucking awesome, I know.

Jamie says:

why don't you like AIM?

raymi says:

cos i dont know anything about it

raymi says:

and i am not american

Jamie says:

american?

Jamie says:

what's that have to do with it

raymi says:

america online

raymi says:

aol

Jamie says:

oh

Jamie says:

right

Jamie says:

so it's a protest is it?

raymi says:

maybe

raymi says:

more like GAY O L

Jamie says:

burn

raymi says:

total burn

Jamie says:

bill gates is the richest american ever

Jamie says:

U S A! U S A!

raymi says:

yeah well he wears glasses

raymi says:

ungh

raymi says:

so canada is better



raymi says:

there

Jamie says:

i won't argue

raymi says:

i wanted to argue with you

Jamie says:

oh okay, well, if you really want to go there

raymi says:

ha

Jamie says:

i can't wait until america puts up a big fence at the canadian border

raymi says:

are they really going to do that

Jamie says:

then we'll see who's boss

raymi says:

well good luck getting fresh water

Jamie says:

they are talking about doing it in mexico

Jamie says:

but not canada

raymi says:

oh right

raymi says:

well then who is going to make all your food at your fancy williamsburg divebars?

Jamie says:

college kids

ONE YEAR AGO TOMORROW!

ten things i hate about commandments

i am fully awake.

i am going to go on a juice-tour today because there are ten different juices and i am going to make them all and drink them all until i sweat juice.

we went out for drinks to our local and i got ripped and sang come together and do you want to (franz) and i was totally rocking out to the five people watching and when i was singing come together i screamed at these yuppie guys to shut the fuck up I'M SINGING RIGHT NOW BLEEEARGH! and right before my song started the karaoke guy said that i was psycho and i said I AM NOT PSYCHO but then i screamed at those yuppies so i am like oh ok i guess i am a little bit.

i finished jPod. it kind of makes me angry at coupland how he makes himself out to be an asshole in it and all smarmy i dunno, probably the reaction he was hoping for but it kind of reminds me of those girls who wear shirts with BITCH written on them or BABY or SPOILED etc - here is a word i want to be associated with and i want you to know that i know that you know that i am a bitch and to avoid any and all confusion here look at my shirt.

ugh.

for the past month my tits have been gigantic so much so it's like excuse me why aren't you guys discussing the size of my breasts? RUUUUDE!

i was ripped off 60 bucks at the atm at college and manning, the BMO don't use the one closest to the entrance it is a stealer, i mean it. fil's mom is helping me with a shared cash investigation because she is a detective, well, works at my bank. exciting.

fil made jerk pork last nite it's so hot you can see through time.

i feel smarmy eccentric like if i don't change my outfit right now i will go into a shame spiral.

i read somewhere that when females menstruate they dress sexier and i forget all the reasons why but i agree with it 100 per cent cos i always try and dress slutty when i am perioding cos i figure i'm bloated and 3/4 suicidal i have to do something to fix it oh i know, HOT PANTS!

raymi says:

do you want to talk to emo raymi

merkley??? says:

is she crying?

raymi says:

haha

raymi says:

maybe soon

raymi says:

she is on her period

raymi says:

wait take away the 'haha'

i am menstruating. no wonder i hate everyone and thing that so much as looks at me. the weather is not helping either. i am sad that i am almost finished my book i feel like the book is my friend. wow, what a loser. you know what i mean. a good 120 pages are devoted to nothing but large font jargon as is typical coupland-fashion. i remember i use to write dear douglas coupland letters all the time and then someone found me his email address and i wrote to him and he didn't write back. feh. i wrote crazy nonsense most likely.

dear doug

()A&D&)(*AY jHVMH v nmj m!!! hahaha KULDSAG;iuwage

AND THEN THE CHICKEN lkgit 32y6987787 8811000101
0111010110110000010101010101

and so on

if i were to write him now it would be more or less the same shit.

dear douglas coupland

you are obsessed with pop culture and spending a lot of money on stuff and then talking about it a lot. me too.

love raymi

yesterday sucked and so will today probably. the weather is dark and not appreciated, this is sunday weather it has no business showing up on a tuesday. i am almost finished jPod and it is an awesome book. i would discuss it but i don't want to ruin it, unlike movies, books should not be ruined. douglas coupland shows up a lot in it though.

whale takes out kayak

!!!



sleepy kitten

awwwwdorable.

i was walking into a building and yawning and this scraggily older guy goes to me YOU TIRED ALREADY!? and i went YEAH I'M ALWAYS TIRED and he chuckles and says ten times louder than his first question YOU SHOULD STOP PARTYING THEN!!!

ughhh.

don't make me strangle your head off, beanpole.

how do you know i'm not a student who stays up on adderal 'til 6am studying or like a brain surgeon, and who are you crazyhead with your pants pulled up to your ribcage and you are chain smoking.

my horoscope in dose magazine said that in the history of time no one has ever looked as mashed up as i do today.

fucking think you are so clever FREE papers can kiss my fucking ass. then i read fil's and it was all nice to him and said ENJOY THE MADNESS as in YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A FUCKING CRAZY BITCH.

i wish i was a character in jPod.

yesterday driving up university fil made a light and up ahead another one just blinked green so he guns it and like 6 jocks and a few slutty chicks probably from the states are crossing the street when they shouldn't have been so fil brakes it and my feet are all clenched cos i'm picturing all of their legs being mangled and we are stopped maybe fifteen feet in the intersection and one of these jock guys SPITS ON FIL'S CAR and calls him crazy then he comes around my side and i have one hand on the buckle going to get out and kill this guy type thing (wine rage) and at the same time i'm opening the window and once we make eye contact he's all what the.. dur duh duh and one guy in the background is saying to him DUDE IT WAS A GREEN LIGHT! and this is my cue to cut them all off and proclaim (get ready for caps lock dudes!)

YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT FAGGOT!!11!!

and then fil guns it and we take off into the night

and we high-fived



i was so close to getting out and punching that guy and fil said he'd have to fight five guys if i did but i said no technically it would be the girls coming in to have that guy's back cos he couldn't put his hands on me and the guys couldn't do anything and you are in the driver's seat and everyone behind us in their cars have our back and those girls were wearing stupid strappy high heeled white sandals i could so take them all

funny i was wearing black fishnets and boots and a mini slutty jean skirt so it would definitely be one of those hot girl fights



but still i had the adrenaline i will fucking destroy you rage and that guy was smaller than me so all this taken into account i was so totally BRING IT

i haven't been that angry in a long time, like, justifiably angry.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!1111



YO MAMA JOKES

i don't think that i brushed my teeth at all yesterday

ok

i know that i didn't

i did not perform one single act of personal hygiene

i did buy tang and plain yogurt and two bananas and made smoothies

with vodka

and some ice

the mix looks like eggnog after you blend it all together

i was thinking it would be funny to make a big batch and have a christmas party just to trick people

then i thought is that even funny?

rented pretty persuasions last nite and it is good the main chick's body is killer

and she's totally evil and smart and slutty

and fifteen

which is the only part the ruins it

leonard cohen was in town nearby yesterday and we did not meet him

feh

for breakfast i ordered heuvos rancheros consisting of avocado and sour cream and two poached eggs salsa and homefries

and cheese

i either totally blacked out on the eating of the first poached egg or they ripped me off and gave me one

being president of the hangover department i said nothing

fil drank a four dollar "large" orange juice

sarah had bacon and eggs and used a fork and knife to eat her bacon

i ate two pieces of toast and put the crusts back in the basket and sarah did not like it

later fil said he didn't like nuts but ate 85% of a bag of cajun cashews

are they nuts or legumes

who cares

pictures i ripped off of gallery of the absurd.

we saw that poseidon movie yesterday and it is non-stop stressful, and good. pretty gory too.

before that i heard a woman get hit by an suv that was making a left-hand turn, she just got out of a starbuck's and i guess was j-walking and then there's this big commotion around her and coffee is splattered all over the road and she's white as a ghost screaming AHH HELP ME HELP ME and her leg, which i will never ever EVER forget, her right leg below her knee was sticking out perpendicular to her body like it was a fake leg and she was in the process of putting it on properly, i couldn't believe it i still can't.

as bad as it is to stand around making a spectacle of people and their injuries it's ok to catch a glimpse i think just to remind ourselves that we aren't superhuman and invincible to danger and accidents.

anyway.