i bought a corset and i am fully getting my faghag on listening to scissor sisters.

i got fil a shirt too i hope he likes it.

i have a hankering for hose water.

NOEL says:

"Eames Era Bucket from Greece" ..that's the hilarious joke.

raymi says:

bucket?

raymi says:

noel i think you are losing your mind

raymi says:

LOOK A BUCKET FROM GREECE HILARIOUS FROM THE WAR ERA ADVERTISED ON CRAIGSLIST HYSTERICAL!

N EL says:

yeah, i know, youre all not knwoing anything and all that.. cooool!

raymi says:

dude do you even speak english anymore?

N EL says:

as i said, the joke wasn't for you

raymi says:

or anyone

N EL says:

i forgot youre totally naive to everything outside of blogger and buzznet

raymi says:

here we fucking go again

N EL says:

duee, read your responses back to yourself

N EL says:

youre the one who has a shit fit

raymi says:

ohmygod i dont have energy for this

N EL says:

youre the one who write a me-so-dumb rant on the world cup and begged for people to fight you on it

N EL says:

like, get it together man!

raymi says:

im sorry i didnt _get_ your obscure bucket joke

raymi says:

begged people?

N EL says:

then you type:

N EL says:

raymi says:
LOOK A BUCKET FROM GREECE HILARIOUS FROM THE WAR ERA ADVERTISED ON CRAIGSLIST HYSTERICAL!

N EL says:

nice caps, homo!

raymi says:

im going to pretend you didnt say everything you just said

N EL says:

haha

raymi says:

and post it on my blog

N EL says:

dude

N EL says:

we shoudl totally have a blog war

N EL says:

we can break out all our raymi pics

raymi says:

i would fucking kill you

N EL says:

what, you mean youd win the war?

N EL says:

i dunno, i might have more raymo ohotos than even raymi

raymi says:

no your life would be taken from you

raymi says:

this is thepart where i say how much you exploit me

N EL says:

hahaha

N EL says:

at least you remember the routines

N EL says:

man, when did you become humourless

N EL says:

youre so unfun today i miust leave this chat

raymi says:

i dunno when i started menstruating

raymi says:

im sorry i didnt _get_ your obscure bucket joke

raymi says:

im fucking funny

N EL says:

dude! il ike how the "other gy who doesnt like soccer" posts all these dry bird pictures

raymi says:

yeh i thought it was a nice touch

raymi says:

how come u only like talking to me when i am on my period

N EL says:

wweird coincidence i guess

ok i'm going to hate on soccer now.

1. BORING

2. THE CUP JUST STARTED AND NONE OF YER EURO TRASH TEAMS ARE ANYWHERE CLOSE TO THE FINALS SO GOING BANANAS APESHIT WITH FUCKING FLAGS STAPLED TO YOUR EARS RIGHT NOW IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS AND I SILENTLY LAUGH AT ALL OF YOU WHEN I SEE YOU ALL THE TIME AND I WILL NEVER STOP.

3. SOCCER = SOCCER and FOOTBALL = FOOTBALL YOU FUCKING TARD FROM OAKVILLE YOU ARE NOT COOL BECAUSE YOU REFERENCE A TERM YOU REALISE MEANS THE SAME THING AS KICKING A BALL AROUND THAT PEOPLE SAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE OCEAN I HATE YOU ^%#%^8576

4. IF YOU WANT THE HAIR OUT OF YOUR EYES WEAR A HEADBAND NOT A PENCIL FUCKING THIN BRA STRAP ELASTIC AROUND YOUR HEAD UNLESS OF COURSE YOU WERE GOING FOR THE I AM A TEENAGE GIRL LOOK THEN THAT'S FINE

5. STILL EXTREMELY BORING

6. SITTING AROUND FOR HOURS IN A CROWDED BAR TO WATCH THE TINIEST SCREEN OR MAYBE EVEN STANDING AROUND COS THERE AREN'T SEATS IS FUN!? WHAT'S THAT YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE SANITORIUM? OK.

7. WHAT ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU ARE THE HUGEST SOCCER FAN EVER FUNNY HOW THAT HAPPENS EVERY FEW YEARS THIS TIME OF YEAR I WONDER WHY THAT IS...

8. HEY AWESOME JUMP ON OUR CAR AND SHOOT FIREWORKS FROM ROMAN CANDLES IN YOUR HANDS YOU DON'T NEED FINGERS TO PLAY SOCCER KIDS WHAT THE GAME JUST STARTED AND ALREADY YOU ARE ALL KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER YOU ARE SO EXCITED ME TOO ME TOO FUN AWESOME SKGRHGFD GOUFHGFO HPHP93 2759 8435Y4398T43

9. I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL JUST EXPLODE IF I DON'T GET A COMMEMORATIVE T-SHIRT THIS YEAR I NEED IT SO BAAAAADLY

10. I WOULD RATHER DRINK BEER WITH MY SOCKS

the end bring on the love.

oh this dude loves soccer too!

the kids in the park today seem to be on ritalin, v. quiet.

anyway i would like to take a moment to s-talk the new superman movie. it appears in the previews that they are copying the original movie exactly as in totally fake slow-mo flying and floating up into the air type shit. GAY AND BORING NO THANKS.

fil i will NOT be seeing this movie with you in the theatres unless i am on mushrooms, ecstasy, acid, ketamine, or absinthe. that is all.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?


i just wanted you to know that the cd drive on my laptop keeps opening and i am going to kill someone that is all woah i like this font.

trevor gets mad

my favorite

booty shake

nothing more awesome than objectifying women!

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY



i have an ear-picking fetish and i've been at it for a year now i think. my left ear scabs up and gets flaky dry and i pick at it until it is sore and fil waits until my face is awash in euphoria and i am totally in the pleasure-zone of ear-picking and he slaps my hand away or hits my elbow so my finger jams painfully way up into my ear and then he says i will get cancer if i don't stop picking my ear because whatever it is i am picking at never gets a chance to heal and i am like sure it does, it heals when i am asleep and then i wake up and pick at it some more.



sorry, i don't have anything else to write about.

i am so ghetto today cos i'm smoking butts from the ashtray and i made these sticky noodles and ruined them because i doused them with liquid hickory smoke for flavor.

iamthebest.com

there's still comments from the first time i posted this too

i have the worst fucking cramps i am going to strangle the universe and cid barfed all over my tiger rug and i walked through it.

i also can't stop crapping.

i also have to go get sir barfsalot some catfood and fil thinks i am going to go to the pet store to get it i am going to go to the variety store cos it is closer.

OK, first things fucking first...

I'm fucking 36, and I am retired. I used to be a lawyer in Wisconsin. I retired and moved to Montana.

All I do now is snowboard, party, hike, play music and have fun...

Sounds like a pretty good life, no?

It is.

And I started blogging about it, justto tell the world how fucking much I rock.

But I come here, and I realize... wait a minute, dude...

Rocking has a new dimension.

And it is Raymi.

This shit cracks me up each and every day.

I check it twice a day, and it always delivers.

(Go ahead and put that on your movie ad... "The dude says I check it twice a day, and it always delivers.")

Nevertheless, kudos and godspeed, young lady.

Lovin it.

Joe | Homepage | 06.15.06 - 10:09 pm | #

i have seven popsicle paintings and i know that this is how i am going to break out onto the art scene just fully explode despite the art scene being pretty close to over i figure that's how you do it like buying a pair of doc martens from wal-mart when your grade seven teacher is even wearing them.

anyway there will alyways be art and parties for art but the time where you could blow your nose into a toilet paper tube and staple it to a hat and sell it for 350 and have a million hipsters drinking pabst is OOOOOver.

except for me and my popsicles, of course.

i bought some canvas yesterday well canvases canvasi? some plural words are just gay. anyway i almost had an emergency ass explosion in the art store but i didn't then i bought some oil paint by accident and i am going to return it later. i am still painting popsicles. my life is the best. if you can't tell i am very close to menstruating.

THIS IS SHARPIE!

she is my single girl of the week. she is a faghag drunk and totally fucking fun. she has an awesome job and her own apartment with no roommates or pets and she always cooks things and has lots of booze and she is 28 with the body of an 18 year old and she is very smart and maybe so hot i feel sorry for her anyway, hit this bitch up cos i'm tired of her crying when she sees fil and i fight. oh yeah she lives in toronto and sometimes she has posession of an automobile and her taste in music is pretty rad and she likes to go out a lot and socialize and eat late meals.



ps if you hurt her i will fucking destroy you.

raymi says:

i just wanted you to know that i dont have any friends

raymi says:

ok just checking to see if you were ok with that

Dear Raymi,

There is this guy that I really like that I see during the week, we work in the same building but not for the same company. When we run into each other we talk a little, but he doesn't say too much. I know he likes me because I see him stealing glances at me when he thinks that I don't know he's around, in the cafeteria, elevators, common areas of the building.

I flirt with him and he smiles then retreats. I've hinted that we should go out and he always says something like, "that sounds good", or "sounds like fun" but he never takes the hint.

From the small talk we've traded I know he's not married or dating. We only see each other at my work building. How can I get him to break out of his shell and ask me out?

Thanks,
Not a shy girl


Dear Not a shy whatever

you're full of shit you are at least a little bit shy and the fact that you're writing me for advice proves you are completely fucking useless. anyway, this is what you do:

you: hey dude ARE YOU GOING TO GO OUT WITH ME OR NOT?

him: bwa wah wah wah wah, (runs away)

do you really want to wait around for this shit? he seems to be the type that his heart will explode if you look him in the eyes for more than two seconds and will commit suicide if you say anything remotely negative about him even as advice.

anyway, if you aren't direct or forward straight off it's never going to happen or some other harpie will come along and snag him. once you start dating you'll see that he's a super nice dude and is a great catch bla bla wait is he MY boyfriend?

I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!

good luck.

xo raymi

i like canada's next top model better than america's next top model. tyra banks is too fucking annoying to handle and you can tell she thinks everyone is beneath her. lame.

this reality series is rad though. it's about 16 year old spoiled cunts throwing insanely elaborate parties for their sweet sixteen. barf. fil and i were trying to remember what happened for our sixteenth birthdays, i was like uh i think i was fucking that lawyer guy, haha. fil's like i got to drive my mom's ghetto ride. i think i went to east side mario's for mine and it was a joint party for my brother too since his birthday is only a week from mine. there was no booze.

anyway if you want your head to explode from fighting the urge to punch a 16 year old through your television watch this show.

that is all.

bravia lcd advert

beautiful



burning safari

last nite we went out for drinks with the sharpmaster and played quiz drinking games and we couldn't figure out who the waiter hated more me or sharpie and finally now fil gets how fucking insane and bored i feel when i have to listen to him and samir talk ha!

on the way back i lightly shoved fil into a hydro box then he threw me into some garbage bags then i shoved him into the street then he took my chips and ate them all then i shoved him into something else and ran for the door of the building but he grabbed me and dragged me to the lawn and tore out grass and shoved it in my face and hair then he gets up and i slink up behind him and put my right hand into the flower planter when his back is turned and then at the last second before he opens the door i throw a huge clod of dirt and it explodes on him all over and i fucking run like hell to the back entrance but he got me and shoved my face into the grass more and put dirt in my hair then we got up and went up the stairs and he puts my jacket into cid's litter box and whips me with my own fucking pants.

there's still grass all over the bathroom floor i am so fucking not cleaning it up.

i had to explain to fil that i am not as strong as he is and if i jokingly tap him or playfully wrestle him it doesn't mean he has to turn into bionic schizo i will fight to the death match etc etc and he is like oh, right.



sleepy kitten

special awesome squad

this one's a bit, err ah um, you'll see.

EDIT: i just realised that he was the 32 year old, i guess i have to have my eyes checked anyhow, dude unless you gots cash and are good looking and funny do not bother, a 22 year old will not date a 32 year old unless you are babesville, sorry. anyway if you are and you've noticed her eyeing you then just be like hey lets grab some dinner after work, all casual-like, have some drinks and then take it from there.

her 22, me 32

so raymi, should i even be thinkin about this? seems to me kinda one of those grey areas but then again maybe it's more into the black and white than grey.. i'm thinking that i'm not really thinking and just looking for a "go for it" sort of answer..


go for it women that age go thru a second adolescence and are super horny but can get crazy so be careful how did u meet


yeoow. she prolly is cause she's been sneaking looks at my crotch here and there.. oh.. this is the other bad part. we work together - that's how we know eachother. she just started last week or there abouts. my so called office is like 4 feet from her desk. she is really driving me crazy (the horny kind). Problem is i'm super shy. bah, whatever. I like your advice, thanks. any advice on how to approach her about all this? I was thinking it would be good to take it easy for a little while (she just started there) but the other single bastards in the office are already making a move.


oh well let her be passed around then unless you're really into her and yeh she just started thats so gay everyones moving so fast that means she's desperate also if she's feeling that

hi



lily allen - smile

for all you lunatic bitches and shitty bastard boyfriends, totally watch this life lesson video and enjoy.

i just saw the break up and i cried a lot and then when we got up to leave i leaned forward too far and smashed the bridge of my nose into the seat in front of me and dragged/hit my entire nose against the seatback all the way from the momentum of getting up then i fell back into my seat and my eyes exploded into pain tears immediately and i yelled out and lise turns and is like what the fuck are you ok? and i'm just sitting there with my entire face covered in tears and my nose is totally red all the make-up scraped off and mascara running down my cheeks.

gay fucking gay.

remember how i use to complain about that faggy acoustic guitar music we could hear through the wall late at nite? yes it's still happening but we've decided it's some sort of gay relaxation tape or something. i guessed it might be some stupid hippie waterfall with one of those terra cotta on its side pots that pumps out music when it's turned on and a bunch of foliage? the other nite i punched the wall twice they turned it down then turned it back on again then i found the wall's sweet spot and fucking slammed it again three times.

ps the lady next door i saw her in the laundry room and she was wearing a ratty long t-shirt with holes in it and so worn that it was kinda see-thru and then she tried to talk to me.



i'm so use to everyone in this building being snotty to me that when someone actually acknowledges me i don't know how to turn off automatic defensivity. yesterday this lady came out of the dentist and was going toward the elevator and i had all these groceries and she says I'M GOING DOWN YOU WANT TO RIDE WITH ME? and i just said NO turned around and yelled over my shoulders I'LL JUST TAKE THE STAIRS.

what the fuck was that who am i?!

well, she kind of barked the I'M GOING DOWN at me no hi no half-wave, fuck her. plus i had an armful of groceries and she only had to carry a thousand dollar change purse the size of my palm, oh no there lady i'm totally fine waiting in the lobby while you go down to the basement in a fucking elevator ONE FLOOR in fact, i'll dig into my purse without dropping my bags and get the key to the stairwell and walk up a flight, totes no problem!

i don't know why she couldn't just walk down the stairs, it takes longer to wait for elevator and it wastes electricity. you know stairs still exist right?

lite brite fun

bored as hell?

EXCERPT FROM BOOK I AM WORKING ON NOT YET TITLED

Marta had a date last night!!!!$$&*& So Larry cooked! It was, uh, very Larry. French fries broiled in the oven, burnt and crispy, frozen peas and microwave macaroni. Somehow he managed to even fuck up the macaroni, so we ordered Chinese.

Then we watched Larry check his Myspace email and got trashed on Bailey's. Larry projected his desktop onto the wall so we could recite all of his outgoing potential courtship responses in funny accents. Then we read my blog that way also, until we all had peeing-pants fits. Reading my blog wasted is pretty funny 'cos I caps lock sentences for emphasis and my grammar is just terrible and lazy so when you've had several drinks everything is all jumbled and hurried and you are like what?

And then when you make your voice affected it's ten times more hilarious, doooooooood.

Larry has a thing for Asian women, he's got three different ones on the go and soon we will be meeting two of them. Separately of course.

One is 23! Her name is Minnie. Ha-ha.

The other one is 39! Her name is Desire. I am not lying.

A few months ago I mixed up these two other Myspace conquests of Larry's so he had to dump them. He wasn't too angry with me. He said it was good material for his screenplay.

"Larry, you're writing a screenplay?"

"Yes, is that so hard to believe, Penny?"

"..."

"Ok fine, I'm writing a porn."

"!"

"Ok fine! I'm putting it in the wank failure bank."

So this time I know better not to get loaded and insist that I fully remember being told that < ___ > is the manager of her department in bla bla bla sales something boring tra la la and has two dogs, one named Cody the other named Myrtle. Man that was awkward.

Sam plays wingman, well, sort of, and I sometimes play spinster hag. We've decided Sam can't really be wingman anymore 'cos then Larry's lady's friend gets way into Sam and I get way into red wine and then I blow everyone's cover.

Anyway after Myspace and blogs, we went home around one. I wonder how Sam's hangover went for him today.

father/son race

father's day sunday guys

ASK RAYMI

Hi Raymi,

I saw your advice columns and figured I would take a shot on a question. I've been dating a girl for 3 months now, things are going well, we have fun together and really hit it off. However, I'm slightly concerned that I'm doing too much of the work in the relationship. I'm constantly the one who is making plans, usually paying for dinner, tickets, events, gifts, etc.

She shows affection (and occasionally splits the bill), but she really hasn't decided to come out and do anything for me yet. I have expressed to her that I want to avoid being taken advantage of as in past relationships, and she understands and seems pretty genuine, but I want to make sure she somehow gets the hint that we both need to be doing things for each other for it to work.

Don't get me wrong, sex and everything else is great, I just get the feeling sometimes that she doesn't think of doing things for me sometimes. I really like this girl so I don't want to shake things up too bad, but would welcome your advice on this one.

Thanks,
GPT
Boston, MA

Hey GPT, first of all, go red sox. secondly, this slut is totally using you. you're a chump and should've given up ages ago. as soon as the gifts stop rolling in this girl is dunzo, sorry. she simply ain't feeling you anymore. before you end it try and get a big ole fight in there where you're yelling at 3 in the morning and your hair is standing up cos you're so stressed and she's all why baby whyyyyy and you're like YOU ARE DEAD TO ME TARA. fun.

good luck next time, doormat.

:: HI RAYMILAUREN


GREAT PICS I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOUR PRIVATE ONES I HAVE
SOME UP OF ME AND FRIENDS HAVING SEXY FUN HOPE U ENJOY

THANKS BILLY

holy sears portrait!

i just cleaned the bathroom to ted nugent's stranglehold and it is my new favorite cleaning the bathroom song, i was really fucking FEELING IT and once i got to the counter/sink i realised how awesome i probably looked papertowelfantastiking that fuckin' bitch! it was like dazed and confused bathroom party scuse me guys i am going to eat some special brownies and totally lay in a field now with those big earphones from the kindergarden listening centre rad!

lise and i went to the something pantry to eat lunch and i walked in on this fat woman wiping her ass in the bathroom hey lady LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR! then she spent ten minutes in there and i wanted to die. she comes out and spends ten minutes reading everything on the bulletin board right near me. i should have yelled out SORRY just to rub it in a little more. this was just before getting our food i'm lucky i didn't see any bits. ok my stomache just flipflopped i can't stop picturing her.

she also was eating a piece of cake by herself when we got there then she took a half hour dump in the one toilet available for the ladies so i took a pee in the men's which smelled like a hot urine sauna.

then i ate a zuccini pancake and the girl behind lise said she wasn't really into sauces, "I'm not a SAUCE PERSON."

i met ladyinpublic yesterday. she's a babe and so are her friends and i am like a hundred feet taller than them.

a year ago tomorrow



also

BEAT KIDS HITLER



BEAT KIDS BUTCHER