BONER OF THE WEEK GOES TO
there i was masturbating to nanny mcphee when this cocksucker lips goddess appears as a scullery maid and i am like CLITORAL EXPLOSION!
Friday, June 23, 2006
um hello drunk-dialed the entire UNIVERSE what's up? oh not much? yeah me either hey remember that time when i didn't have a cellphone and therefore couldn't be all RAYGMiTheMinx yeh i think that time ruled. i wish i could remember the awesome things i texted if i had a blackberry whatever pilot thing i would know. there's nothing more funny than thinking you are 100% completely in the right about something and caps lock texting it to ten people after 4 in the morning.
ps i agreed to see this doctor today at 9:45am whom i was referred to but i didn't go cos he sounded like a moron on the fone, but i still said ok to the appointment cos i was too nervous and afraid to say no not interested on the fone wtf!?
drunk opening up post 2006
i just wanted you to consider the possibility that i hated you and i wanted you to recognize the probability of me getting it, knowing i'm your fucking monkey, knowing what a fucking sideshow-act our friendship is.
you think i take this as seriously as you? you think i don't know what a novelty i am to you? you think i AM laughing along with you, whilst chatting online ha ha ha i'm so funnily vulnerable ha ha ha i'm the whipping boy again how tres chic am i yet again, please please point out the things i say and do more, more, more please like i carefully haven't scripted it all myself cos i certainly don't get it thank you anon. comments - thanks far away st. john's nobodies thank you for setting shit straight for me nothing nobodies who get it more than i thank you for telling me my necklace is not the right length you tried to deal long enough but now you realise it's too long therefore axe it raymi, no goods sorry.
here you 1. fuck you
2. you read my blog you are less than fuck all nothing to me, please oh please tell me again, how i am indebted to you, the everything i say and do bullshit
anyway i can't help but feel like i have earned the right to be above and beyond the realm of political anything the fuck correctness anymore seeing as i can barely type/ see/ comprehend shit anymore - less than two weeks ago when i was prattling on about natives whateverthefuck someone was all bla bla raymi you should feel responsible etc etc etc all of a sudden people are taking me seriously?!!!?!? um perhaps maybe 4/100 of you fucktits care what i have to say, over 6 years running and all of a sudden i am being accounted for!? uh weird.
funny how all this shit came about when fuckhead matthew good left/right-wing baby diapers bandwagon political gayfaces turned onto me - not dissing my friend matt in any shape or form jussayin he's got a lot of right winger/teenager jealous obese stalkers on his tail who can't help but make message community boards dissing people who so much as look at him and it makes me want to rip my hair out and set it on fire how angry i get, like, FUUUUUUCK, fuck, FUCK! there was like 7 pages dedicated to me, ME! it was totally flattering and annoying at the same time.
especially since i was being ripped apart by fat pimply fucks born in 1989 um hi give me your address so i can meet up with your mom so she can eat my vagina cos obvs. she's a hot MILF seeing as you are ten seconds away from your placenta former self yet YOU KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT MATTHEW GOOD TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME WRITE ABOUT ME MOOOOOOOOOORE I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE IT SORRY HE TOOK AN INTEREST IN MY WOOOORK I'M SORRY HE IGNORED YOUR GRADE 8 PICTURE YOU PAINTED OF AN OWL TOTALLY MY BAD ABOVE AND TOOOOTALLY BEYOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok nite before i write something i can't take back.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
today's theme of dress is inspired by autistic tennis player babysitters.
i ate finally. subway "tuscan" chicken. the guy who served me was super nice unfortunately the other sandwich artist serving a complete fucking cunt british lady either had listening problems or a language barrier and i felt bad for him and super pissed at the uptight fat-ass screaming about lettuce and then tomato, lettuce, then tomato. i timed my cut-eye for everytime she looked over her shoulder at me also my order was finished FIRST HA HA HA and i was 2/3 thru it by the time she sat down to eat (i ordered the 6") anyway, what the fuck do you expect, wolfgang puck style service from subway?
i am going to smell like mayonnaise for the rest of the day now.
anyway when i was 15 i gave my resume to a subway in my town and like a month later i get a call but they ask for my dad cos i had him listed as a reference, my dad gets on the fone and subway manager is all trying to convince my dad to BUY THEM OUT as in HI I OWN A SUBWAY! my dad's like NOOOoooo thank you.
and then two years later when i already have a job at the hardware store i get a call from them asking if i would like to come in for an interview. ??? uh don't you think you would make a point to LOSE my resume after my dad shot you down and not to mention the fact that you used my resume as a resource for cold-calling potential buyers of your soon-to-be-failing business and NOW two years later you are desparate for employees so you're getting around to calling me now like i have been sitting around NOT having a job for the past two years? uh FUCK YOU.
i am wishing that i bought extra food yesterday so i could eat some right now i am distracting myself with pointless tasks so i don't have to leave the apartment to get food and i have been awake since 8am it is like 2:30 and i have eaten nothing except espresso and orange juice and i think that i actually lose weight or feel skinnier after a nite of steady boozin' but after nites sans booze i am like EXCUSE ME WHY DO I WEIGH AS MUCH AS A GOLF CART?!
it's true, i have the worst eating habits EVER and i am a lazy piece of shit.
anyway the other nite before me and fil, uh, started hugging, i was like HEY FIL ARE YOU GETTING READY FOR YOUR BIG MOMENT!?!?! and he's all "big moment"? and i'm all SORRY I MEANT 45 SECONDS.
ps it would be awesome if i washed my face before passing out at nite so i don't have to go through an entire box of q-tips every week getting all the shitty mascara out of my eye crevices.
pps i think i am losing my vision that, or i am losing my mind OR i am dyslexic, that's all.
THANK YOU FOR THE FUCKING DORMANT TROJAN VIRUS WHOEVER GAVE IT TO ME I AM VERY VERY HAPPY SPENDING 1.5 HOURS ON HOLD/TALKING WITH INTERNET PEEPS ON FONE/SEARCH AND DESTROYING THE VIRUS TO HAVE MY ACCOUNT UNSUSPENDED IT WAS THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE TO SPEND MY MORNING _AMAZING_SUPER_FUN_funfunfunfufnfufnfufnfufn !!!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
i just began re-reading junky in the tub and i would be lying if i said i didn't feel like doing heroin about now. i'm easy prey for the glorification of addiction novels. i have never tried heroin and i doubt i ever will, that's a bottom i dare not wish to hit. this book is the closest i will ever get to it.
to write about shit like this like it is an artform, the desire of getting fucked up and sitting semi-circle face-to-face discussing the evolution of i dunno, dinner plates during a time before computers and rollerblades, who can fucking resist that? i know i can't and i know that i don't bother to try much. sitting in a starbuck's with your classmate eating brownies, where's the romance? i'd rather have dirt stains on the soles of my feet lying on my back in a forgotten field, fucked out of my head, talking about a book i will never write and the things i never said.
anyway, like i says, easy prey.
I'm 18 and I have the biggest crush ever on a girl at my school. I've never had any problems with chics, due to my humour (not the looks lol, I'm not that cocky). The problem is, she has a b/f.
Now, I'm pretty sure she likes me, she has tried to push me twice while i was in my previous relationship amongst a lot of other things. She invites me out places (always when I'm broke, lol) but has also said to me "you'd be a cool brother, ooops, I mean cousin, not a brother, a cousin OK".
This whole back and forth confusion has got me really confused and I'm not that easily confused usually. Just wondering if you could give me any tips or suggest a really subtle way that would take a lot of thinking on her behalf to work out that I like her.
Dear T you remind me of my best friend in highschool who i got to drive me to the mall so i could meet up with dudes i was fucking and then he would drive me home, HE RULED!
you are what we call THE STRING ALONG, she knows yer a weakling and she has to tell you she likes you enough so you don't go off to be some other girl's nancy boy, get it? tell her to fuck off forever then go to a strip club.
you aren't growing or maturing at all cos of this bitch and i bet if you start dating someone else she'll try and end it by telling you she likes you, bla bla, you'll fall for it then she'll STRING YOU ALONG SOME MORE HOLY SHIT IS EVERYONE ON CRAZY PILLS!?!?!??!?!!?!
move the fuck on and if it just so happens that she ends up single when you are, have SEX with her then BAIL.
good luck, raymi
Just to let you know I check your website every now and then to see if you are still behaving decently.
And you are and you look better all the time!
Greetings from Holland,
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
ok i know FOR FACT now that no one likes me in this building.
i was coming in behind another woman and the super says hello how are you to her and then NOTHING absolutely NOTHING to me and then the woman looks over her shoulder and also does NOT acknowledge me.
everyone says hi to fil, zero people say hi to me, except for the weird euro lady next door when she's doing laundry in her see-thru t-shirt dress other than that everyone in this building HATES ME. i bet they get together, fil included, in the lobby downstairs and have meetings about how much they hate me and then when i come in with groceries they pretend to discuss flower-bedding.
anyway, i hate them too and i hate them more when they say hi to me when fil is present but go back to snubbing me when he's not around or how they say hi when i am letting someone in who's a friend cos they want to look like a nice neighbor in front of my friend.
i feel like i am stuck in a passive aggressive abusive relationship with my fellow building tenants.
anyway i just had an explosive korean bbq bowel movement, what's up.
ONE YEAR AGO TODAY
i don't like living beside the cat lady and her 300 cats anymore because saturday morning i awoke to the sound of the craziest loudest catfight ever and it went on for a good ten minutes or so and then hungover me drifted back to sleep but then some evil woman was beating her rug somewhere in the back alley and at first i thought it was gunshots BLAM BAm BAM BAM bam BAMBAMBAMbam BLAM for twenty minutes. holy shit why don't you buy a vacuum lady. and also there were a bunch of kids screaming and playing in the back alleyway so loud they may as well have been standing on my bed.
and yesterday i saw fil go zero to psycho in a matter of seconds when this dude honked at him for pulling out too far past the stop sign and so fil double flipped him off and made a retarded fuck you facial expression. i. was. shocked.
now i remember why i was so mad at those cats for waking me up. i was having this wicked cool dream and everyone was complimenting me in it. i don't remember why they were and what they were saying or who they were unfortunately but the important thing is that i was being complimented and i think i was rich too. but then when i went outside i changed my mind about being angry at the cats because one was sitting beside my bike waiting for me to say hi to him.
ok so i'm thinking my golden 4 in the morning comedy material is not so much golden so i won't hoard it anymore and i realise that what was meant to be me drunk yelling saying this stuff would make more sense rather than you reading it on my blog, anyway, feel free to leave comedy tips in my comments/email.
so yeh i seriously was going to hit it off with spider commentary, and be like PS. DADDY LONG LEGS WITH YOUR MINI POTATO SHAPED EVERYTHING AND RETARDEDLY POINTLESS LONG LEGS WTF!? then i realised that it wasn't funny nor did it make sense because then someone would've heckled OH YEAH WELL THEIR LEGS ARE LIKE THAT FOR SURVIVAL AND OTHER SCIENTIFIC SHIT then i would turn into rage drunklor and well, you know the rest.
then i was going to make fun of fil's friend's parents and this eating tour party thing they were blabbing about where you start eating late afternoon and it goes 'til like 5 in the morning and everyone brings an elaborate course. excuse me? 1. you are both FAT 2. is it really like you will totally lose your fucking mind if you don't eat something during the five minutes spent waiting for the following meal?! then i was going to harp on their son's fiancee and her brother but then i realised this would be funny to only ONE person, me.
oh yeah then i was gonna talk about shoulder cats, you know, cats, WITH SHOULDERS!
yesterday a girl in a white van with writing on it, wearing sunglasses, went RAAAAAAAYMI when it went by me and fil on bloor - i thought it could've been sharpie, not sure. who was that? tell me NOW! cos i waved back like a huge retard like i knew who you were and now i feel stupid.
we rented 16 blocks last nite, it's pretty good, stressful and sort of long. i recommend it.
and here's what we do on our sober nites:
cid and the under the bedsheet monster