today i am wearing red because i am eccentric and fil is picking a fight with me about the floor and how scratched it is because of my fat ass and the ikea chair at this desk i don't know how to make what i am trying to explain flow i am probably drunk still i am going to meet sharpie and angie and go shopping and then me and fil will go see you me and dupree i wish my hair looked like owen wilson's hair when he runs out of the house when it is on fire or maybe gary busey's hair i dunno whichever looks funniest.

You scored as atheism. You are... an atheist, though you probably already knew this. Also, you probably have several people praying daily for your soul. Instead of simply being "nonreligious," atheists strongly believe in the lack of existence of a higher being, or God. atheism 100% Satanism 92% Buddhism 75% Paganism 58% Islam 50% agnosticism 33% Judaism 25% Christianity 25% Hinduism 17% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

friday's cool dude: jack lemmon

fil did u go into my blog and correct my spelling of hilarious from halarious cos i meant to spell it halarious cos that's how the kid who acts as dave chappelle's son on the chappelle show says it.

yes i did sorry i thought it was an error i was wrong and i won't do it again.

is it ok that my best friend is a cat that barely likes me and some guy on msn who doesn't speak english who i have never met?

it's neat to think that future-me will be wasted and obnoxious in maybe 3.5 hours like a whole new me because right-now me is scoring only a 2/10 for fun about now but future-me RULES i wish i could call future-me on the fone and be like YO TELL ME A FUNNY STORY and future-me will be like HULLoooooooooooooooooo like robin williams in mrs. doubtfire and busts up laughing for two minutes and can't breathe and then right-now me is like totally jealous.

it's fil!

i am regretting the shorter bangs thing cos when i wake up it looks like i am wearing the gayest wig ever and my hair is what it looked like when i was in grade 8 like stupid I AM GROWING UP LOOK AT ME BECOMING A GROWNED WOMAN look and then it is half greasy sweaty dry crackly hay that's resting a centimeter above my eyebrows like i just learned how to put hair on today first time ever.

i am going to go buy the dress i coudn't buy the other day cos i had insufficient funds cos well long story it was pretty embarrassing and then we went to the body shop and i said to lise hey i wish they had the strawberry scented perfume they discontinued it then this random chick points to the strawberry scented bottle and i am like THANKS excuse me while i hit every store in this mall to be humiliated, corrected, 'dissed and embarrassed bye.

last nite during wastification at the bar i gave this guy i sort of know cut-eye but in a jokey way and he's all what the hell was that look for and i'm all I'M BEING FUNNY. i guess i wasn't but now i think about it i think fuck that was funny even though it really wasn't. you know like so unfunny and inappropriate that it's funny? no?

maybe if he read my blog he would understand how funny i am not which brings it 'round full-circle to hilarious wow i am so glad to be over-analyzing this.

i just spent an obscene amount of time searching for the ultimate picture of a unicorn to use as my blog background and was this close to joining the mystical unicorns webring but then i realised i don't have that kind of time to pretend to be all about unicorns for maybe a week but if there was a teddy bears and pink balloons floating on clouds webring i would be like president of it.

I LOVE THIS STUPID BITCH!

The cat on page 54 is awesome it looks more like Gus to me than El Cid but it is probably just a cat.

I drank coffee and smoked bowls while I read it, I was going to read it in one sitting but am depressed right now and went to bed at 8pm last night.

I got pretty tripped out when I hit chapter six and read about Jack Kerouac having recently left a comment on your blog saying I was reading on the road which isn't a big deal in itself I just felt like a moron I guess. Adam, (my dude, I think I talk to you enough you might just know his name is Adam) Adam's favorite book is on the road and he recently asked me to read it because he said it would give me way more confidence in my writing style. I've always been rambly and hated punctuation and find myself going back over things and putting it in 'cause I should not because I want to. I think that is why it made me feel funny. I read that chapter aloud to him but he wants to read the book so only that part I don’t want to ruin it for him.

I've been reading your blog since before I blogged and I almost let myself fall into the envious, bitchy, I'm never going to write as good as her so let's bash her category but there was something else there and I saw through it. Like a couple people have 'seen through it' with me. And I decided I had come too far and worked way too hard on myself and had already BEEN there I didn't need to go back. I started getting help in 2000. I left a small town for the city to hide and die and get away. But I'd already been here suffering since 1996 alone with my cat and my head and my pot.

I was totally miss diagnosed in the beginning with bull shit Border Line Personality Disorder and I ask you when you read the 9 symptoms, and you need 7 of the 9 to have it, if you are human don't you have at least 5 for simply being human doesn't that like prove you are? So whatever fuck you I have depression that label will do.

You work at Raymi you work at it hard. I can't even handle the way people bully you and judge you and I feel so protective and I think it's because even though I can't do a fucking thing I feel good knowing I care, that I believe in Lauren. Because until 1998 no one gave a fuck about me and how fucked up I was and as far as I'm concerned wouldn't have given a fuck if I had died.

There isn't a doubt in my mind that there will be a volume 2 and 3 and 4 and I'll get to say HEY I considered her a friend I don't know if she ever really cared but I cared about her and I'm gay as fuck proud to see where she is now...

-gus

who is this little retard?

a small (medium size) letter from a big fan

hi raymi,

you obviously don't know me, but i thought it was time
i e-mailed you. why? well, here's the reason.

i was casually looking at some pornography (classy
porn, mind you), and i came to this gallery (no pun
intended) and the girl in the spotlight was very
familiar.

this chick was, as it is known in popular culture,
hot. she was not just hot though, she was subtly hot.
i don't even like the term hot. and not just that
either, she was totally off beat hot with that
spaced-out, yet smart look. hair that was a confused
brunette on xanax. she was real. and cool. maybe it
was me, but she looked slightly canadian, too.

who was this girl? i know know her! (via internet and
not by proxy). that's right, raymi the god damn minx.

i googled your image and name --and lord knows there's
a few results. i was back to where i was in early
2000's-- your blogspot site.

wow, i can't believe she's still doing this! i was
hoping you weren't dead or something. --i was a daily,
yet silent fan back in the day. always admiring your
whimsical take on life and your truly funny entries.

i would like you to know i like you a lot. i have for
years. you still look better than ever. i am not a
stalker, please note. i can't believe i ever stopped
looking at your blog and, more surprisingly, never
gave you money or bought you anything from a wishlist.

in closing, please keep writing your blog and taking
your digital pictures. I am re-born to your blog, but
might relapse in my drunkenness drug induced state and
forget to check back, but rock on anyway, raymi.

your pal,

brad

ps: once, or twice, i saw your nipples. they were sweet.

i cannot fucking stand it when girls are all ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GUYS BECAUSE GIRLS ANNOY ME COS THEY ARE ALL GIRLY like they are bragging or something.

1. it isn't impossible to get any dumb guy to be friends with you, what did you climb a bunch of pyramids too? that guy is your "friend" cos he assumes one day he will be fucking you, congratulations.

2. girls don't hang out with YOU because YOU are nasty and annoying and are incapable of getting along with them, do you really think that it's the girls who should be bending to your standards and moods? say there are ten girls including you and you are the only one who can't fit in and you say it's cos all they talk about are boys and shopping and THEY are the problem all 9 of them and you are the only one who isn't annoying? get the fuck over yourself and learn to get along otherwise you will be bitter and lonely for the rest of your life.

i use to be one of those all my friends are guys types and you know why? it's cos i was a snobby stuck-up insecure piece of shit and you are too so once you recognize that, expand your circle of friends and plunk some bitches in there.

BONER OF THE WEEK: MILA KUNIS

she's kind of like a DUH boner but oh well i have feared and ogled this meanie for a long time. i could go on and on about how awesome she is but really is there a point? bitchy rich privileged airheads (the one she plays on 70s show) are the best cos they make it sting for no reason and they flip their hair and eat cotton candy and live in a sparkly purple castle in the clouds FOR REALS!



she had me at you're stupid.

she's like this cute little ant in a polyester pantsuit and for added nerd jerkoff material she's the voice of family guy's meg. all you have to do is close your eyes and let her read from the yellow pages for about two minutes and you are like UGHH UNNNGH UUUUUNNNNGH SPLOSION!!!!!!!!!!!!

i would totally let her be alone with fil and pee with the bathroom door open so i could hear her say mean things to him and i would be like trickle tickle trickle SWOON.



i hope she gets typecast as jackie 4EVR! i would carry her around on my shoulders and take her out to beat up people i hate or we could travel back in time and hate on people together like the player hater's club.

i keep coughing i keep coughing up phlegm and there's some sort of summer camp children thing happening in the park and they are very loud.

so it wasn't a vibrator they found in andrea's bag it was a bunch of candy, whatever. that racist brandi chick is gone GOOD!

i bought these feta spinach pie things and they were gross it was like rotten grass shoved into nice little pastries with sesame seeds sprinkled on so we covered them in ketchup.

fil was waaaasted.



we watched brokedown palace. i like that movie a lot and i like claire danes's ugly cry where her chin shrivels up inside itself, it's awesome. i told fil there was no fucking way in hell i would take the heat for him or anyone and he says oh great that's nice i would do it for you and i'm like OK PEACE! have fun in a thailand jail for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

how come claire danes and kate beckinsale got wicked ass haircuts and all the other prisoners got their heads shaved?

Dr Gene Scott

preacher of the day - why is he yelling? i like that he says he isn't cussing.

THINGS I LIKED, USE TO LIKE, NO LONGER LIKE, NEVER FUCKING LIKED of the week:

- red hot chili peppers, the band. hi every song sounds the same who are you green day? when you sing all i hear is berrruLLLL blerrr brulll tongue rolling gayness and wank chicka wikka clicka wikka wikka crap you peaked at that roller coaster song you can't top it so stop.

- wine gums. hello? where's the wine? where's the gum? you come in a tiny-ass package so that if opened in the presence of two other people you are gone in ten seconds, you are guilt-candy, where people feel obligated to eat you because you've been around forever and the queen is all about you and you taste like I AM SIXTY YEARS OLD. fuck off.

- silly putty. newflash YOU ARE NOT A MIRROR STOP MAKING BACKWARDS IMPRINTS OF STUFF I DON'T EVEN LIKE FAMILY CIRCUS NOT-BACKWARDS WHY DO I WANT TO LOOK AT IT AGAIN WITH BACKWARDS LETTERS?

- people who suck at tic-tac-toe. seriously dude, you suck. and now i think you are more stupid than before how do you like that? i'm putting my X in any of the corners and you're going to take the middle AGAIN cos you think the outcome will be different? IT WON'T! you're a) going to fuck yourself over or b) make it a cat's game and fuck us both over for the next five minutes LIKE IT'S FUN - IT'S NOT so lets play SOS instead.

- guitar feedback. hi are you cool or pleasing to the ears? oh wait i know! the person who is making you is entertaining THEMSELF ONLY and it is all very clever and hysterical to ONE person, wicked. hey guess what, i am not going to pay to see your next show asshole bye!

- windchimes. for reals, i am going to strangle you then i am going to tangle you! what are you a marionette? no? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!

fil is a girl, he really likes canada's next top model, so do i. we like it better than america's version cos the girls are ecclectic beauties not carbon copies of each other, they're REAL. i have a feeling that that beyonce girl and the one with zits on her chin discover a vibrator in that skinny one's suitcase, based on the preview. i can't wait to find out tonite. anyone who leaves comments saying the canadian girls are ugly you will be 1. banned 2. told the fuck off.

i hope sisi wins cos she's retarded and talks the best secret shit about everyone and her left eye is preactically on her forehead and i wish she was my friend. i thought i saw the zit chin one in the back of a cab the other day while fil and i were going to get booze and i told fil and he went UUUUUUAAAAAAGH!! and practically broke his neck trying to see but the cab was already gone. i am in a good mood today i feel like there might be a wine success story on the horizon as in i will drink wine and toast myself to my good mood and well, yeah. i came up with WINE SUCCESS when i was taking a crap and ideas on the toilet no matter what they may be always seem to be really good ones.

we saw superman returns last nite and i take back everything bitchy i previously said about it - drugs nor booze were necessary in the watching of this film. however, before it started we were subjected to 15 straight minutes of the same four fucking adverts it was like that snl movie theatre sketch where they get locked in the theatre and have to watch days and day's worth of ads and the music says THANK YOU FOR COMING TO LOEW'S, DON'T BOTHER TRYING TO ESCAPE, THE DOORS ARE LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE!!!! and people resort to cannibalism v. funny.



SNL Jeopardy

LAUGHING YOGA

move over reverend alecia there's a new kid on the street!

reverend alecia

pretty much the best thing i have seen lately.

thank fuck the world cup is over, fiiiinally.

there's nothing more annoying than italian soccer fans, jussayin' - hey it's totally cool to let your four year old stand at the corner of that major intersection for five hours by himself waving a flag! when fil and i were driving around sunday it was like HONK HONK HONK HONK HONKITY HONK and if you make eye-contact with any of these guys they think you are all about cheering along with them so you have to pretty much wear horse eye blinders and look dead ahead the entire afternoon to not let some guy mistakenly think you give a shit about soccer. and their whole WE ARE THE BEST ITALY RULES mentality is fucking gay um excuse me super fat guy leaning against that hair salon did YOU personally win the game? are you on the team? so by being italian and having the italian team be victorious you, by association are also the best? is that how it works? so i can be a drunken lazy louse all i want but because my dad is successful and shit this means i am successful too?

at least england's soccer hooligans KNOW that they are annoying and smash shit and get in fights and set their cars on fire and don't do faggy flag waving from cars type crap up and down their town's main drag over and over until it is dark and delude themselves into thinking they are some supreme race of superhuman soccer elite golden gods from golden soccer lava land.

casiotone for the painfully alone

the subway home video

me:

well too bad i am a lazy oaf

Neil:

ha
ah well
you should go to the archives today
spadina and dupont

me:

why

Neil:

look up someones address

me:

and?

Neil:

see whats up
was anyone murdered there?
maybs..
haunted?

me:

eep

Neil:

most likely

me:

nah gay

Neil:

so what you going to do instead?

me:

figure out what nationality my blog would be if it were a person
id say german
cos its like full of itself , black and white
no bs

Neil:

yawn

me:

YOU are the YAWN

Neil:

ha
you are "to yawn"

me:

hey lets build masks out of bark
oh wait
nevermind

Neil:

dude, waaaay ahead of you!
i just got some new cool wood too

me:

ahaha

Neil:

my big pastime now is hitting the park on the weekends after breakfast
wandering around in the hairy bits, salvaging bits of bark and twigs

me:

who are you a fairy tale?

BONER OF THE WEEK GOES TO KAYLEE DEFER

ok i was a little bit worried about this one like, is she 14? 17? she was born in '86 so we're cool. too bad i don't know shit about her other than she currently plays a mean (not as in unkind, but, badass) teenage daughter on the war at home and makes her actor father lose his mind in every episode and you are quietly rooting for her to do sluttier and sluttier shit like maybe she'll get addicted to drugs cool!



i have a feeling that show will be cancelled soon so hopefully she'll play her cards right and be america's kiera knightly cos well, kiera is irritating as hell. what i mean is, Kaylee, topless - picket fence tooth grin - pretentious british accent + mermaid long hair + barbarian leather bikini outfit + machete + war paint + running across a field screaming in your face = move over CN tower (get it? boner?)

anyway, she's babesville.



unfortunately we could never be friends cos i'd have to insist she come with me to the bathroom so she wouldn't be left alone with my boyfriend, chatting ever so carelessly - then i would have to rip her hair out and go to jail. jail = bad.

the biggest thing that never happened excerpt

One of the worst things you can do to your talents is smother them, whether it be by the drink or a 9-5, what's the point of a talent if it goes nowhere? The whole tree falling in the woods sentiment, does it make a sound if no one is around to hear it? And then some smart-ass goes of course it does, we all know that a huge tree falling will surely make noise blah, blah.

Literal thinkers should be publicly drowned.

Moreover, no, the tree will not make a sound if no one is there to hear it.

You have a talent and you don't do anything with it or hone it, then you do not have a talent. That is that. You can talk a mean streak all you want, forty years down the road and you can no longer do the splits, that's information better left unsaid, sister.

STUSSI interviews me and i am bitchy

i can't talk right now i am shelling shrimp because i am a housewife and i belong in the kitchen and cid thinks he is king of the universe and everything because he smells seafood and i bought kocher pickles and i am wrapping them in westphalian ham because if food isn't ironic or oxymoronic or SOMETHING then i am NOT EATING IT hello tuna sandwich you are boring me learn some jokes and get back to me thanks.

ps going to the supermarket empty-stomached is dumb you are all I NEED TO FIT EVERYTHING IN MY FUCKING BASKET BECAUSE I HAVE A CRAVING FOR ALL OF AISLES 1-8 INCLUDING PRODUCE THE END.