so SO glad i did not drunk dial my blog last nite/morning/this morning what?
if you need me i will be eating all of the chinese food in toronto.
my head looks like a bobble head.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Friday, July 21, 2006
bitches im getting this fone for free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
email me if u think you qualify they want toronto bloggers or vancouver bloggers mostly!
cid needs anger management
he is trying to fit in my bag, i try to help and he wants to destroy me wtf.
we played ntn last nite aka buzztime at a bar and i was cheating off this old guy beside fil and we were taking it very seriously and timing bathroom/smoke breaks even. i heart trivia.
ONE YEAR AGO TODAY:
This is how you go crazy
You move to toronto when you are nineteen years old and then let crazy fucked up people move in with you who take advantage of your generosity and you work as an online prostitute and you date an abusive drug dealer who cheats on you and you do blow every other nite of the week and then you go to los angeles and smoke weed until your brains turn to dirt and you go to the loony bin and then you go back to canada and stay in the loony bin for a little while longer and then you get out and seclude yourself in a tiny town where you don't know anybody for six months and then you gain some of your confidence back and go out on the town one nite and you meet another drug dealer and date him for six months who treats you like shit and then you finally lose your cool again and dump his ass once you get all skinny and manic and you can no longer smoke weed because it brings back terrors of 9/11 and generally some uncool shit.
When you are in the loony bin you spend a lot of time with people who are far more crazy than yourself and you take everything literally because that rational part of your brain is so doped up and the schizophrenics scream at you and the fucking senile split-personalities intrigue you and the christians terrify you and on and on until you realise you are pregnant and you just can't believe your luck.
consider this a suggestion free blog from here on in, comments are fully allowed but unwarranted suggestions are not permissable. if someone wanted a shaved beaver they would HAVE a shaved beaver. that is all.
ps i am never nairing ever again never! yes i'll shave here and there but my area is just too sensitive and the last few days have been hell a la ingrown and red itchy blotches FUCK THAT. you see, i'm one of those GROWS ON THE THIGHS TOO girls so i have to shave well i use one of those battery shaver things that fil uses for his face haha so i can't have a bush unless i want to have hair shorts (fil made that up yesterday).
anyway i really do enjoy tweezing my ingrown hairs for ten minute spanses of time at least ten times daily but with these nair ingrowns it's been like thirty times a day and i just don't have that kind of time.
i mean if i wanted to look like i had herpes or whatever I'D GO AND GET HERPES NOT PAY 8.99 FOR A BIKINI KIT TO GIVE ME FAKE-HERPES!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
GO TO MAJORMAKER.COM to see the music video i am in with other toronto hipskags. click on multimedia and then watch the WINDOW video, it's pretty obvs. which one i am, black hair side pony and swoop bangs and i'm the first chick and i jump onto the guy's lap on the couch OOH SCANDAL. enjoy! the song's good too. i've already watched it ten times.
i feel esoteric rage right now for no good reason other than i am bored it's mostly pretend rage but at least it is fun like starvation rage sort of. starvation rage is the best cos you can scream your fucking head off at someone and then go YOU KNOW I WAS HUNGRY WHY DID YOU SPEAK TO ME WITH THAT JOKEY TONE OF VOICE IT'S BASICALLY YOUR FAULT I RIPPED YOUR FACE OFF!
yesterday we got denied ferry access on the way back to toronto cos the ferry was full and there was only like ten of us and i was so mad i couldn't speak, my eyes went in different directions and i zombie-walked over to a bench and pictured murdering the little vietnamese dude who closed the gate down on us and i swear to fucking god if someone tells me that vietnamese isn't relevent to my story i will jay and silent bob you like NOW. anyway it felt like a war movie or the war of the worlds where tom cruise is trying to get his entire neighborhood on that boat and then it blows up anyway or something i was picturing the ferry exploding and being like YES.
i was already picturing us in the car on land and thinking about canada's next top model and red wine and cheese and the little man was taking away my FREEDOM so instead of zero to psycho i removed myself from us ten dawdlers who were all shooting the WTFs with each other and the WELL I NEVERS and i sat on that bench in the shade under the tree and slaughtered people in my head.
maybe i am getting my period soon or maybe it was the hash? RAGE HASH!
*whoever has the best rage story in which you were so angry you couldn't speak and didn't do anything out of shock wins a postcard.
i like how opening a new package of toilet paper makes you feel like anything is possible in fact i get that feeling everytime i open something new like, a box of crackers or something i derno, nice. but mostly with t.p. and i'm not being all double entendre here like ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE/I AM GOING TO HAVE THE BEST BOWEL MOVEMENT EVER i mean it makes me feel all romantic new beginnings type stuff.
oh just go away.
The Big L's fuck version
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
i just spent 20 minutes googling stephanie tanner and jodie sweetin cos i am fully fucking stir crazy and sweaty hot loony from being in all day with fil who is bed-ridden and whiny and keeps pretending to be paralyzed and helpless on the bedroom floor with my stuffed animal shoved in his underwear.
from now on my look will solely be inspired by stephanie tanner. that is all, so fuck off boho chic olsens!
i am going to get my wine on cos i can't take it anymore.
yesterday i naired my bikini area and fil walked into the bedroom with me lying down with all this white cream spread everywhere and i said looks like i have a massive yeast infection eh? i got some between my legs and yesterday everytime i pee'd it felt like muriatic acid hitting my labia BURN CITY. also it smells like farts. yesterday RULED!
Dear Amanda Peet
you are my BONER OF THE WEEK
you win because you scared the shit out of me in saving silverman and you wore that shirt that showed your entire coat rack figure that you could like look inside of when you leaned over because it was basically two baby bibs taped to your nipples and you were a psycho controlling cuckoo bitch i <3 you.
you also could have a mushroom cut and it would still work in fact, your hair isn't very original or interesting to look at but it doesn't even matter cos your personality and caterpillar eyebrows totally take over and i am like WOW.
in igby goes down you humped macaulay culkin's brother and you didn't even give a care and i was like ME TOO AMANDA!
you were also very good at mindfucking jack black and steve zahn in saving silverman i was like ooooh she's good.
it would be cool if we were friends cos you would make everyone feel inferior and they'd say snarky things like OH YOU ARE HANGING OUT WITH THAT AMANDA PEET WOMAN TODAY RIGHT? all jealous-like and i would be like YES AND SHE SAID THE MEANEST SHIT ABOUT YOU THE OTHER DAY!
i would feel inferior all the time too and like a huge slob cos your nails would be all did and mine are all ripped and hang-naily and no one would look at me anymore but that would be ok because you would be my friend and i could borrow your stuff sometimes and tell you jokes about napkins until you got bored of me bye.
you'd think the little pissants in the park would have something better to do like play videogames or eat at mcdonald's and play in their playplace area you know modern day type stuff.
you know i'm kidding right?
i am going to cook something elaborate tonite because of hell's kitchen and also it is great timing because fil is sick and has zero appetite. i just asked him if his feet have a stomache ache too cos he's wearing his black work socks in bed. i'm funny.
oh yeah i forgot one kid keeps saying ICE CREAM ICE CREAM WHAT'S YOU FAVORITE ICE CREAM and then this other twit goes LEMONADE! and then the kid goes ICE CREAM ICE CREAM ICE CREAM WHAT'S YOUR FAVE....etc etc over and over and i want to go out there with a shovel and fling sand in their eyes and tell them that there is no such thing as lemonade ice cream, even though there prolly is i want to take their fun away because i am a scary hobbit.
i imagine when i talk i sound like the chef from hell's kitchen, not the accent, but the mean swear words and it makes me cringe.
we saw the growing pains episode yesterday where mike goes to that coke party with boner and the other guido and he's like EXCUSE ME BUT I THINK THERE IS COCAINE AT THIS PARTY and the girl goes I SHOULD HOPE SO! then he does a psa at the end while the party is frozen behind him except fake frozen where you can see different people moving slightly and blinking and wavering and kirk cameron is all HI I AM KIRK CAMERON BLA BLA YOU THINK I'M NOT COOL COS I DON'T DO DRUGS? WELL, YOU'RE WRONG!
i immediately felt like getting high.
fil is in bed with a stomache ache i am gonna try and get him to go see pirates of the caribbean with me and his "stomache ache" later.
how about that wind last nite ontario!?
oh yeah go to mcdonald's and get your johnny depp/jack sparrow plush happy meal toy before it's too late.
Monday, July 17, 2006
me and elizabeth are going to eat discount sushi i am excited once the thought got into my head i realised i am fucking starving though i counted about ten typos on their take-out menu so who knows what the quality will be like oh well at least i can stare at people at sushi on bloor from across the street and watch them not getting a discount.
i bought rule of the bone on saturday, i read it in highschool. you should go get it. there are swear words in it and other things and when i read it in grade 12 i think i looked up at my classmates and was like DO YOU GUYS KNOW I JUST READ THE WORD FAGGOT AND I GOT THIS BOOK FROM THE SCHOOL LIBRARY?!
fil ate cat food yesterday for 6 dollars and i dumped a bucket of cold water on my dad cos he got me with the sprinkler then he got all sensitive cos i duped him better but fil yeh, 6 bucks? we also ate an ostrich steak and it was very good but at first at the ostrich farm the lady gave us slow cooked shredded samples and i was gagging on it but had to eat it all like it was amazing fucking VOMIT next time i would eat the fucking cat treats instead.
CID IS A LAZY MOOCH