Saturday, August 05, 2006
remember how i use to do posts with 40 pictures in them all put together like a reel and notice how i don't anymore? my camera is fucking busticated and no one cares NO ONE CARES so can you help me get one like pool your mcdonald's wages together or something and get me a nice new camera that would be nice and you can fight over my old one which really isn't busted its battery is fried only and there's a speckle on the lense anyway that i always had to try and cover up by fucking with the picture's brightness and whatnot anyway it would be nice not to have to spend hundreds of dollars on a new camera to take pictures of garbage and slutty drunks for my blog that you all read for free all the time and you can pretty much write the rest of this post yourselves bye.
ps cid likes the boogie monster song by gnarls barkley everytme it is on he comes over and starts humping my head and purrs a lot and has to make out with the universe which is everything attached to my face and he desperately wants to get inside my ribcage cos the love is just too intense for this world.
GUESS WHAT EVERYONE? IT'S TIME FOR A MOVIE REVIEW AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT A MOVIE I SAW THREE YEARS AGO THAT WAS ON SUPERSTATION JUST LAST NITE I'M TALKING PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN DEAD MAN'S CHEST!
ok three seconds after the movie started this dude runs up the stairs and sits beside me across the aisle and i think oh cool it's a dude who works here and is sneaking in but no turns out he has tourette's and sneezes for thirty minutes straight, the type of sneezing cats do that's like snorting and sounds like they're about to shoot snotrockets anyway we moved to the other side of the theatre.
oh i forgot we each had three pints and a shot before the movie so now you have an idea of where my headspace was at which was TOTAL FUCKING CONFUSION piled onto MORE CONFUSION Wooooooooooooooooooooh PIRATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!waoirh0ewhfe
anyway, keira has the worst fake tan ever i mean the make-up people were about as skilled as i am when it came to slapping that crap on her face WHICH IS CERTAINLY NOT SAYING A LOT and also her tan appears out of nowhere 3/4 of the way through the movie which = funny, for me at least or not i forget. uh that skinny orlando guy that everyone thinks is hot but really isn't on account of his rat tail hair, right so he sees keira making out with jack sparrow and ps kiera is his fiancee and pps HE DOES NOTHING ABOUT IT!! NOTHING! doesn't ask her hey so i noticed you mouth-fucking that guy who is pretty much my pirate mentor you know just wondering what's up?
doesn't at all flip out and slap her or have a hissy jealous fit nothing nothing nothing. the first thing i said to fil when we got out of there was I DON'T CARE IF THE WORLD IS EXPLODING AND WE HAVE THREE SECONDS TO GET OFF BEFORE WE EXPLODE TOO, IF I SAW YOU SO MUCH AS LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMAN LUSTFULLY THERE IS NO WAY IN FUCK I WOULD WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE WORLD EXPLODED TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT I WOULD HOLD UP EVERYONE ON OUR ROCKETSHIP UNTIL YOU BEGGED FOR MY FORGIVENESS AND MADE AT LEAST TEN PLAUSIBLE REASONS/EXCUSES AS TO WHY I SAW WHAT I SAW.
but that's just me.
total hard-on for the voodoo priestess with the shit in her teeth and that jamaican akciant i did.
worth seeing bla bla etc etc
Friday, August 04, 2006
dear world fil came home early from work. he texted me to take the towels down cos we aren't highschool rebels and i got MAD and then worried he would get in a motorcycle accident on the way home so on the days he rides his bike i try and be nicer like he can do all these things to piss me off and i let it slide until he gets home safely and then my hair gets scraggily and i set on fire and talk like satan but i can't talk now cos full house is on bye.
two days ago i made a conspiracy theory video of me getting my laundry from the washer downstairs i just KNOW people are fucking with my shit. the super's wife hates me and hates fil too cos he wore rollerblades in the building and she yelled at him down the hall how he can't wear them indoors and we didn't respond and she said OK!? and fil said yes i hear you and then immediately went down to the car and got out the lease and read all the rules and nowhere does it state that you can't wear rollerblades.
i always dress like a slutty mess when i get the mail and laundry in the hopes she'll say something to me but i haven't bumped into her in awhile. do you think i am secretly in love with her or something?
anyway, i have towels drying on the railing right now and we aren't allowed to have anything hanging out on the balcony so we will probably be evicted because of my towels sorry fil but i am not paying 25 cents to dry four towels that are 3/4 dry already and the only reason they aren't dry is cos of the power shut-off COINCIDENTALLY the same day my washer was turned off halfway thru its cycle because it was "unbalanced".
there's definitely a pretty decent crime novel in the makings here.
woah some chick just buzzed our bell and i almost yelled IF IT'S ABOUT THE TOWELS I AM TAKING THEM DOWN RIGHT NOW.
she was canvasing something or other though and i brought a book when i answered and acted like i was in the middle of curing cancer fuck off.
the next dingleberry who takes what i say seriously when i am clearly making a joke is banished.
do you really think i think stupid girls are hot? can you picture me listening to a stupid girl for more than 1 minute without blasting and correcting her then going home to write on my fuckin blog about it?
anyway here is an email:
I'm apologizing for writing a lot of snap on your site a few months back.
And you called me on it.
I saw you at the Editors and thought you might just be another fanboy/girl like me and the like.
I still don't agree with alot of what you write and I think you need a good editor, but I applaud your bravery.
I might still talk snap on your site, but there you go. I'm trying to offer an honest apology.
ungh ok kudos for writing me and feeling remorse however 1. an editor would fully fucking destroy my blog and make it crappy, we would argue over the spelling of cause/cos/'cos for a fucking hour - not fun. 2. who the fuck says "talk snap" ? are you 17? you apologize for it but you're going to come back anyway to maybe talk more SNAP despite disagreeing with what i say and me requiring an editor, why bother? you just can't stay the fuck away from this unedited disagreeable blog? i'm not attacking you i'm just curious and want to know why you and many others claim to hate me so much but they can't look away. 3. fanboy/girl like you? what the hell does that even mean? a) i am NOT a fan of anything b) i am nothing like you c) that email you sent was bullshit and really didn't say much of anything
Thursday, August 03, 2006
guess what everyfuckingone!?!
i got fitted today for a bra and as it turns out i am not a 36B but a 38C!
excuse me while i type out some more exclamation points and other things on the keyboard
cid is way shocked as well as he is trying to climb inside of my shirt cos this news is too hardcore to comprehend.
oh wait in other less C-cup news, fil has more female dopplegangers than male.
dear sharpie aka little elf what drinks
i wasn't going to put up the actual amazing email i sent out yesterday to samir because i didn't want to further hurt you and samir's feelings well more like i didn't want to make you more mad but since u put it up i will too:
"at this point i dont really have much a desire to hang out with samir or sharpie it just seems like it would be very very boring"
dear everyone else me and sharpie and samir are friends so this was big news yesterday for like two hours in our circle and luckily they didn't get as annoyed as i thought they would. i didn't really mean it. they're an item now and we don't see them anymore so i was being bitter and i sent it to samir by accident cos i have disabilities.
lise and i are going lesbo shopping in a few hours i am looking forward to trying on a bunch of dumb dresses and doing bruce lee poses. we went to winners the other day and when i put these pants on sans dressing room (f that line) i did a series of kicks and chops and air punches and this guy saw all of it - getting busted for stupid shit is all i have to look forward to these days.
for example yesterday i got busted with an opinionated email that was meant for fil that was sent to samir by mistake he's like DID YOU SEND THIS TO ME BY MISTAKE? i'm like.....yes.
ahahaa I'M SORRY! x 1000000000000
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
look how fucking earnest i look. (insert whisper british accent) NO SIR I DON'T KNOW WHO ATE THE LAST PUDDING I SWEAR.
anyway the next time the super's wife is vacuuming in the hall and my studies are disturbed i will go open the door, step aside, nod like i don't speak english and swoop my arm and direct her into the room to continue vacuuming our apartment like it is not at all out of the ordinary i am losing my marbles.
i know it's for spammers but i like it when certain people leave that comment code encryption shit in their blogger comments like 1. they are going to get ten million junk comments because the entire advertising universe reads their blog and AHA FINALLY A WAY TO PEDDLE OVER THE COUNTER KNOCK-OFF TYLENOL! and 2. i feel like i am a spy and i cracked the magical code to send my super important message when really it is like four letters of the alphabet kind of lopsided and really close-together OOOH HARD and the super important comment i leave is something along the lines of "ahaha GAY FOR REAL!!"
yeah that's right indiana jones and tom hanks you can just FUCK OFF and MOVE OVER cos TTyyr Qqqq3%%& = I AM A CODE BREAKER TOO
i am going to cut a dress into a shirt that everyone who reads my blog except lise and fil says is unflattering so now i have a new shirt SCORE. also you can now email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
i am growing my bangs out and they are growing in fact RIGHT NOW.
this is what happens when i promise to wake up when fil does cos that's the only way i can get him to stay out later with me, and then i have to write on my blog a hundred times.
anyway this is what i plan to look like this fall, allow me to reveal:
AUTUMN RAYMI 2006
breathtakingly innovative, i know. and yes i am going back to black and not wearing pants. so if you see anyone walking around looking like that this fall you know where they got the idea from. there's a possibility i am going to let my uni-brow grow in.
i dunno about you but i for one am SHOCKED! the secret is finally out.
you know i could have written this breaking newsbyte a hundred years ago.
and now finally, evidence of how awesome i get whenst intoxicated...
1 of 3
holy grossosaurus rex
coug before cougs were cougs
poor cid, i'm still awesome.
grand finale of wicked
fil's nipples + aerosmith + three hundred bottles of wine later. oh my god i can't watch this without my hands over my eyes and ears and mouth and a bag over my head. too much.
oops one more drunk
apparently i turn into a valley girl.
oh yeah i dreamt i was pregnant and the doctor was advising me that i should abort it or try for a miscarriage but the only way to miscarry was to put a cherry bomb in my twat and sit in the front seat of fil's car and drive it into a lake with the windows down so all the water could flood in and then boom, abortion. in my dream this all made perfect sense. the doctor was asian so like obviously he knew what he was talking about. i was very much dreading this feat so i was trying to just make myself bleed and i kept looking in my underwear for blood and i saw some but it wasn't period blood according to my childhood friend who was playing with horse figurines, i was just bleeding internally and it was coming out of my vagina so now i have TWO things to worry about. GO DREAM!
we played ntn/buzztime last nite and i had souvlaki, fil had the fajitas and then when he finished eating he said I EAT YOUR FOOD NOW more or less and i thought it was funny how it was just decided that i was finished eating whether i actually was or not make sense? then we went to the karaoke pub and the tiniest chick with a proper english accent wearing a one piece black polka dotted dress RAPPED EMINEM'S LOSE YOURSELF it was BANANAS! she walked around with the cordless mic and screamed it at everyone i couldn't fucking breathe cos someone hadn't cracked a window to let some of the awesome out and THEN her younger brother gets up and sings weird al's amish paradise i mean...why don't you smash fifty beer steins on my motherfucking HEAD holy shit then i got up and did so whatcha want and when i finished these two wankstas were like THAT WAS AWESOME to each other and it pretty much MADE my entire LIFE.
Hope this e-mail finds you well. I have a pair of those shoes you talked about last week. They make me gay when I wear them. In fact, I'm having sex with a man right now. My wife is watching but she knows I'm helpless cuz of the shoes. Totally gay. And so comfortable!
They are big in Texas, the men that is!! As soon as I take them off I'm a flaming heterosexual again. So... David Sedaris will be in BC soon. I am going to try to get him to your city next year. I'm also working with Jello Biafra. He has a new spoken word album coming out and I'm looking for some dates in Texas and Nashville. BTW, good job going off the zoloft and related. At the end of the day it turns out no one really needs that shit.