I'M BRINGING ZANTA BACK

radmad and i are going shopping today because we are girls and girls shop while men work that's the way it is. i will be buying some stockings. haha.

me falling down at gabby's reminds me of this one saturday afternoon last spring -- this guy totally wiped out on his bike like into a curb and everyone just kept walking EVEN FIL and i demanded to walk over to check if he was ok and fil's reasoning was why bother cos he is embarrassed leave him be but i said fuck that and walked over, crossing the street and stopping traffic. dude was winded, yeah embarrassed but probably moreso cos people were acting like it didn't even happen. so i say are you ok and he gets this super greatful look on his face and says yes and i say ok good and as i walk away he yells thank you at me like he meant it and he probably went home and masturbated to the memory of my angelic voice with his bloody scabbed palms.

moral of the story is: I AM THE NICEST MOST THOUGHTFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD.

ps. from now on all of my stories will have morals

pps. i look like your goony neighbour from 1972 in the above photograph.


Phil: what do you know about 1972 and thanks for making me look like a jerk while you are the superhero

me: well that was pretty jerky of you
my hair is 72
now if more people could be like me the world would be a better place don't you think

last nite i slept on the couch cos i felt slighted cos of something dumb and so i'm in this super super deep sleep and fil yells out LAUREN GO TO BED and i said no and then at 4am he comes out and says LAUREN GO TO BED he claims that he said COME to bed. and i did. the point of this story is that I WON THE ARGUEMENT cos fil cracked and CAME TO ME.

the end.

ps. fil was so inspired by this post he made some poetry


i go outside sometimes

i boycotted survivor once that fucking with the mother's bird nest shit happened and it's a shame that it was that cowboy guy who did it. i don't care if people say oh it's not the show's fault it's his fault - but yet they ware filming it all they know that once a human touches a bird's young and then replaces it to the nest that bird is dead city. i learned that when i was a one year old for fuck sake so yeah pffft goodbye.

gabbly link

it's on the sidebar too. my mom is already there in her element. siiiiiiiigh.

so if you put http://gabbly.com in front of any url you can instantly chat with people who are browsing that site so if you click this which is http://gabbly.com/raymitheminx.blogspot.com we can chat for houuurs and yet another reason to read my stupid fucking blog. it's not rocket science. you can do it to your website too. or mine do mine so you can talk to wankstas who hate me that've been blocked from my comments oooOOOOOr you can pretend to BE ME.

two of the best are raymi the minx and the pants. they have nudity and alcohol abuse in common but the similarities pretty much end there. both are insanely good writers in their own right. raymi lives in toronto and is a pretty big deal in canada, as far as introverted self-published writers go. her blog can be boring at times but she writes and updates frequently, has a cool layout that is ever-changing, and keeps her finger on the pulse of weird societal phenomena. and the occasionally-excellent photography, typically of her and her friends drinking, but also abstract close-up shots of whatever she comes across in her life. the photos often display a great eye for composition and are stacked one after the other with no border between them, creating a silent, chaotic narrative. plus she's hot and will sometimes post an arty topless pic of herself. raymi is also a pretty decent singer. part of the allure of her blog is wondering when/if she'll ever crawl out from under her own melancholy and become the big star she half-wishes to be. it's like rooting for that great garage band in your hometown to hit it big, but kind of hoping they don't because then they'll stop returning your calls and commence sucking. i suspect i like her site in part because of the reflection of my own introverted writingly-ness or whatever.

guiness world record

most t-shirts worn at a time: 155

rules.

last nite part 2

fil says that i only see the worst in people and that's why i have nothing but negative observations i said that's because everyone is bad the parts of them i see i dunno i guess he is right but talking shit is way more interesting than bigging up some fluffhead.

so over fil's shoulder (this was before i bit it on the stairs, after that happened i stopped with the negative observations) i see this fluffy blond hair chick her hair is trying to be straight but cos of the weather i guess it was getting wavy which made me feel superior obviously. she was bragging about being spoiled in fact she said I AM SO SPOILED ahaahahaah IT'S SO RIDICULOUS. then she went on about how she will drive to her parents house to food shop she said I GET A BAG AND I GET CHEESE BREAD MEAT FRUIT VEGETABLES... then she giggles and chuckles and says I'M GOING TO BE THE WORST WIFE YOU KNOW USELESS THE TYPE THAT DOES NOTHING AT ALL.

she's sitting with these three dudes and they're all laughing at everything she is saying, humor-laughing cos they all want to fuck her which was super gay cos there was another girl in their party that was totally ignored cos her table was slightly separated, one of these douches should/coulda joined her but no they were way too interested in useless fluffhead, cock-blocking the fuck out of each other.



she kind of looked like the rich blond snot from facts of life top right. KILLKILLKILL.

she was drinking ice water too, like, FOREVER. that really annoyed me. i dunno why, just did. and she's sitting with her legs slightly parted, wearing jeans and totally ugly out of style shoes, she's sitting in this desperately slutty way LIKE HOW I SIT but when i do it it looks natural, the way she was doing it was like she was controlling the whole table. and then she flirts with this dude who has a girlfriend but still is in his face touching his arm in shit while the girlfriend is in the bathroom and even when she comes back and he pulls her in but fluffhead is still touching him trying to get all his face-time and she didn't even watch the hockey game.

i will offer up more observations as i remember them.

oh yeah so fluffhead leaves and no dudes leave with her cos they all blew it for each other and so they are forced to join the ignored girl and her dumpy friend who showed up and then i watched the one guy wearing his hat backwards talking while subtletly picking his nose and eating it. it was awesome.

i wasn't even drunk and i fell down some stairs last nite during the hockey game out at a bar in front of thirty people who all laughed at me and no one asked if i was ok. the heels of my boots got hooked on the top stair of three steps and i like slow-motion hit the floor onto both knees all of my weight. i was also wearing that retardo leafs hat at the time so it was 110% embarrassing. the section it happened in consisted of jocky college dyke-types you know super girly women haters cos deep down they want to have scary rape sex with them anyway yeah, it sucked. i've been taking fotos of my knees i can't tell if they are bruised or if they just always looked that fuc'ugly (v). fil didn't see it happen either and i had to wait at the bar for our server to look at a wine price list with all the jock girls behind me snickering and describing what just happened to party members who missed it.



IF YOU WERE AT GABBY'S LAST NITE AND SAW THIS INCIDENT YOU ARE AN UGLY TWAT WITH PENIS-ENVY YOU ARE SUPER DUPER DUPER UGLY AND MANLY AND YOU HAVE ADAM'S APPLES.

really it was funny but not enough people i know were there to witness it thus making it humiliating. oh it was also extremely loud and while i was on the floor everyone went OOOOOOOOoooooooooooh like when you see someone wipe out on their bike or skateboard YES THAT BAD.

a poem by raymi


I CAN'T SLEEP
I'M WAITING FOR MY EYES TO WEEP
BECAUSE I CAN'T SLEEP
IT'S FIVE AM
I CAN'T SLOW-THINK
I WANT TO SLEEP
WHY CAN'T I SLEEP
WHERE ARE THE SHEEP TO COUNT
INTO MY BRAIN WON'T SEEP
DEAR SLEEP LETS MEET
I'LL BRING THE PILLOWS YOU BRING THE Zs

these are my friends

OMG. this chick has a myspace AND she added ME out of nowhere and it's funny cos i couldn't possibly hate her more. remember the one who was spat on her face by the blond bitch on flavour of love the flava flav show? yeah her. AHAHAHAHahahaAHAha oh internet i love you.


spit city


raymi: 03/01/2006 8:22 AM
that black chick sucks

bollywood thriller


lindsay lohan on the beach


ali g - feminism

here's an interview i did that will be appearing in a geurilla art magazine at some point in the future:

1. Lets have some background for those who have never heard of you ( admittedly not many folks )
star sign, favourite movie, favourite poem, favourite food, favourite song -


aries/march 31, 1983, the professional, something by pablo neruda, fil's jambalaya(fil says u have to link him here philogynist.blogspot.com, la vie en rose by lucille star


2. About your Blog ? Would you agree that you blaze a trail at the forefront of the genre?


i guess initially i did but now i've been doing it awhile i've uh laid the foundation for others to rip me off so now i'm like britney spears and there's all these lindsay lohans out there no wait i guess i would be like chloe sevigny? anyway luckily i'm not a carbon-copy of myself so's i can still come up with original shit and not just be all caps-lock yelling about cats and drinking. i believe i'm the biggest blogger in toronto and the most part all of canada but yet i don't have a babillion hits daily, a steady flow but not as much as the celeb/tabloid blogs. anyway yeah i'm a big deal but there are people who are even bigger deals than i am, they just don't blog and that i am envious of. it would be nice to be big sans a blog but due to deep-rooted laziness and insecurity this is my thing for now. anyway quote this i'm claiming to be the biggest blogger in canada cos no one fucking else has but that in and of itself is v. canadian.

Where do you see blogging at as a social phenomenon ?


socially it isn't. bloggers are social cowards. the only phenomenon about it is when bloggers have blog parties and those happen seldomly so it's like wow they are gathering at a bar and there won't be internet or laptops. if someone showed up to my party with a laptop i'd like to think i would tell them to fuck off but i know i would just ask to use it to moderate my comments.

Can you explain the art of blogging or the difference between a good blogger and a bad blogger?


no. at this point i want to be smarmy and keep my "secrets" but even claiming them to be secrets seems trite. it's not rocket science what i'm doing here and this is assuming that you even find me to be "good" - if you want to have a good blog you basically only have to be interesting and/or hold people's attention. if you can't figure that out then i dunno, give up.


3. Describe your character in 5 words


sarcastic, endearing, abrasive, funny, genuine

4. Who or what makes you cry ?


seeing animals hurt, sad movies, oprah, any man crying, that intervention show on a&e



5. If you could travel to any time past or future where would you go ?


to when the beatles hit it big oh and i'm one of them.

6. If the war between the sexes is over who won?


men because they started it and made us bitches waste all this time having to prove ourselves as equal. men can be huge fucking assholes.

7. Can art imitate life anymore when life has started to imitate art ?


art can imitate anything always, no matter what and when life imitates art that's fine too. this question is way open-ended and i have deleted my response three times already so i'll have to approach it some other day. basically who wouldn't like to have a friend who inhabits a world where nothing is really real?

8. Name 3 things a visitor to Canada needs to survive ?


lose the american arrogance if american, that's about it.

9. Would you rather be pretentious and famous or serious and unknown ?


famous duh but am i allowed to be aware of my pretentiousness and go about it in a mocking sort of way?

10. Binge drinking - harmless or hopeless ?


depends on the genes and willpower but yeah not good for the liver

the devil and daniel johnston - this may take awhile cos i have a lot to say that or i will pussy out and delete it all. the sony site for dadj.

anyway this kid is like an artistic genius so much so that it's spooky and he's growing up christian and the one kid in the family that's shunning it. there's something not right about him but over time people come to accept his weirdness as normal for him and that's just the way it is. he makes little movies about his life and incessantly draws and records music. he documents EVERYTHING. he is not a good singer nor is he a bad one, his timing is off but somehow it sounds right the way he sings the stop start enunciations and the terrible guitar playing. but it's the lyrics and words he comes up with that's truly what he is all about and made possible by way of his manic depressive psychosis.

to which i also suffer.

well i'm not psychotic anymore but i was and so this film just tore me the fuck up in a nodding my head every three seconds way, covering my eyes and ears and i can't even blink.

when you have an artistic genius for whom's ego is stroked and they are severely depressed you have to treat them with kid gloves, you cannot allow their brilliance to take the better of them or you and unfortunately this is what everyone in daniel johnston camp did, let the unbalanced one behind the wheel cos they were just digging him so much and who can blame them?

he was on many different pills, and many of them didn't work. i think he might be bipolar but obviously there was something else going on. it's hard to pinpoint it when you're watching him create masterpiece after masterpice in front of your eyes however if he hadn't of had the previous body of work, the tapes and shit i doubt people would have considered the manic babblings and drawings to be art, to be anything other than complete nuts.

psychotic breakdowns typically are referential, meaning, when i lost my mind i was fixated upon the taliban and drug dealers and snipers, anything stressful that has happened to you previously all comes out in the wash of a nervous breakdown - daniel johnston's fixation was the devil and god which came from his christian upbringing and is very common in breakdowns. you get the i am a messenger of christ complex and sometimes it never goes away and can be pretty scary.

you may know someone who has suffered a delusional psychosis or might in the future so i dunno, don't be afraid just prepare yourself, somewhere inside they are still there, just recognize the signs as they come so you can get them the help they need.

see this film. just see it.

daniel johnston's art for sale.

me: i hate system of a down

Phil: that's crazy talk

me: their songs are irritating and loud and crappy
and his voice sucks
anyone can make their voice sound like that

Phil: he has a message most of the time and no not anyone can sound like that and the guitar is powerful and i like it so there

me: well the only message i got was sucking mtv's dick

Phil: that's a good sarcastic message

me: RAH TRULULUHLUHLUHLUHLUHLUH
it makes me think of fat kids in black rock shirts
l.a.m.e.

Phil: that's what i thought at first

me: and long black hair

Phil: but if you give it a chance it grows on you
but hey whatever

me: and that guy who got kicked out of survivor the second episode

Phil: ya i know

me: i would rather hang out with ginos
are you crying into your leather arm band now?

Phil: gross have fun but oh ya i forgot you like the eye-talians anyway
*raymi*: i would rather hang out with ginos

me: anyway system of a down's next album should be called MUSIC TO BE A LOSER BY

merkley???: ha -- i'm acting all stupid

me: what like an insecure girl?

merkley???: a little
ha ha
i've been known to sabotage good opportunities
40 year old moms who go back to college
how gay

me: like my mom
except shes a career student now
no life but seems to know everything about everyone elses life and whats good for them

merkley???: who -- you? no
you have a nice life

me: no i mean my mom
has no life
therefore bugs the shit out of everyone else

merkley???: oh yeah
is she still commenting on your blog and mooching your www.fame?

me: yes
im still moderating duh
um if you want to check something cool out you might want to go to my blog right now and read my new title

merkley???: so the moderating is mostly due to your own mother -- sheesh

me: YES IT IS ALL BECAUSE OF HER

merkley???: ha ha
nice
releotard

me: yeah it came to me just now

merkley???: leoretard

me: i was going to put DOES LEOTARD RHYME WITH RETARD
hmm i smell a new poll on the horizon

merkley???: its a pretty good poem
the way you did it is obviously better

me: poem?
yeah i guess it is a poem
A POEM ABOUT MY LIFE

merkley???: ha

me: deep

merkley???: repeat it aloud in mixed company for extra nuts driving

me: yeah
in a funny voice

merkley???: over and over
moonwalking

me: yes
i think these are the new cool rules
slipping in a word that rhymes with other words
pretty wicked

merkley???: tongue clicking too

me: if you say it like how deaf people talk
like yelling
and you have to wear a sweatsuit

merkley???: fully

me: im putting this on my blog so my mom will get the point
i hope her heart wont be broken

merkley???: pantsless is acceptable in shopping malls or on the roof deck

me: yes
i am having trouble suppressing my laughter

merkley???: it's not like you havent told her one billion times
but you love her so its ok

me: leotard retard

me: ok
there
i hope she gets the point
tho she fucking wont

merkley???: she wont
i have seen you tell her a million times

me: ungh
it makes me want to cry

merkley???: i know how you feel
when someone just wrecks your fun its frustrating

caught in the act nsfw

suede live - she
play this at my funeral thanks


ladytron - seventeen
feeling old yet?


mstrkrft - easy love
i forgot to blog this but anyway here you go in case you felt like masturbating your head off this afternoon.

fil has pictures up

that's cat litter and cat pooh in that bag. next time you clean out your box rest the bag on your head you will feel like how i look in that picture.

me: hi
go to sleep

merkley???: dude
you go to sleep

me: i just woke up
i had a full nites rest
and now im doing laundry
makes you feel just a little bit lazy dont it

merkley???: thats fantastic
i had 5 hours of sleep and now i'm awake with a buzz

me: woah lucky

merkley???: i've been being very mean to people lately
lashing out etc..

me: oh really
why
hey we watched american pimp last nite - have you ever seen that fillmore slim guy in yer hood
he does sf
hes like 70 something now
pretty much the only pimp in the documentary i dont want to stab in the fucking face

me: ok fine dont answer me

merkley???: wait

me: hurry up

merkley???: i need to see that movie
everyone reccomends it
recommend




me: ok well i bet u have seen fillmore slim
hes cool and non-violent
and a total fossil

merkley???: i wouldnt know if i had

me: tall skinny black dude
pimp
old

merkley???: i'm googling

me: sweet

merkley???: Slim&tedShred.jpg

me: anyway why the lashing out at people
send the url

merkley???: http://www.wangphotography.com/fillmoreslim/Slim&tedShred.jpg

me: yeah thats him
but way less cool than in docu

i am sick

i haven't eaten yet today

i am reading shopgirl despite having already seen it and i can't stop thinking about steve martin lusting after claire danes. it's a nice read and makes me want to starve myself again. good timing too cos there's a wedding on saturday to attend.

we are going to watch that pimp documentary or at least i am.

we argued about rocky all day on gchat about bringing him here for a little while. we are going to do a trial-run soon i hope it works out. since my grandma is dead the house is being sold and my dad is figuring out his life i guess he needs a cat-break but i know they will be reunited cos they are best friends.

i barely opened my mouth all day somedays if no one calls i don't speak til fil comes home from work and even if i go out to buy food i can get by on just nodding at cashiers and smiling it's like a test the lengths i'll go to avoid verbal interaction. i am not sure if speaking to the cat counts. i guess it does.



i guess i got too braggy about how i rarely come into contact with other people and therefore skillfully avoided getting september sickness like everyone got this month so what's gestating within me now is hand-me-down sickness, secondhand triplehanded bullshit. next september i will be ready and i will not go near anybody until november.

i am tired of my right nostril dribbling stuff.

i think it's neat tho that humans can "get sick" like it's just this thing that is part of life like oh ok we won't be seeing johnny for a few days and it's completely normal.

i like to think that on other planets people get something else like wicked long pink hair and vomit rubies and this huge black bear shows up and babysits for a day or two and then just leaves. i wonder what it would be called.

"mom i think i'm GETTING SHITZOED AGAIN!"

someone translate this for me please.

tarley's dirty limericks

funfunfun for the whole family.

oh and to answer your question ryan, a refrigeratorhead is the name of my next cat or first born child.

one of the weekend highlights was going slow across the water back to the island with tarley, blaring corey hart and stevie nicks. tarley is eligible ps. for boys only. email if interested. super duper catch that one.