oh i just remembered a crucial and essential part of my david letterman fantasy - at one point he says to me that i am very smart and i say THEY KEEP TELLING ME THAT! or say THEY KEEP SAYING THAT. i can't decide which is most effective and of course i say it in this totally casual and modest way and then paul schaffer and i talk about mississauga for a little while.
did you know that crucial and essential, basically mean the same thing and yet in the dictionary neither word is used to describe the other's meaning? kind of like two mirros facing each other but not.
oh grass is green too.
someone in fil's comments said i am canada's jessica simpson and i have a feeling it's not cos of my singing voice.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
marketable depression by me i dropped the price down to $15.95 so if you haven't read it yet or own it or bought it for your loser sister with bipolar disorder, bad credit, and no credit card NOW IS YOUR CHANCE!
ps. today/tonite is pitt's stag and by now he should be a thousand per cent wasted we're gonna catch him halfway between pub/rippers fil wants to be driveable so we are taking our time, well, i am by default anyway. my period isn't too far on the horizon either kids! good to know!
pitt said stags are super secret so i can't bring the camera oh yeah right pitt like it's a secret you are blotto right now and there'll be total retardation happening? guys are retarded.
i forgot to tell you that on sober nite this week i went to the drug store intending to buy conditioner but i got shampoo instead cos i am a genius and i went to wash my hair yesterday thinking oooh i love new conditioner day and then i have a huge pile of shampoo in my hand after i had already shampooed and then realised it wasn't conditioner and my thought was like this, "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" for a whole minute and then i sighed. this is a pretty good story wait it gets better so then i shampoo my hair again cos i'm mad right and so of the two conditioner bottles and their dregs i do the poor-man thing by adding water to each and then shaking them until they turn into diluted condish i'm all nigela and whisking that shit together, ahem.
so we went to the drug store last nite before returning our movie and also before having a pint and i buy conditioner FOR REAL this time and so i'm carrying this white plastic bag with me everywhere we go like it's "a happening" i considered putting leaves in it too but i don't anyway we go to tranzac i'm smoking and we overhear all these i don't know what you even call them new-wave hippies turned hipster turned schmucks? they're talking about how awesome it is to work with their hands you know like days spent on their knees just working and getting dirty and this one girl says OH YEAH SHE'S PAINTING NOW YOU KNOW PAINTING and then admits that whoever SHE is, is in fact HOUSE PAINTING.
fil and i pretended to be like them and talked about how honest and real this one guy is who doesn't exist and we talked about cuddle parties and hacky sacks like we belonged and then went to labyrinth lounge for a pint cos well too much suckyness and hugging and clove cigarettes anyway fil goes in to order and i grab a table and THE ARTIST do you remember him? the nite tony pierce and i were at green room he told me how he is an artist a hundred times well he was doing the drunk pee pee dance around this outdoor heater and he chats me up like he has zero recollection of our previous encounter and he fully ignores fil even refers to him as MY FRIEND ahaha and he goes on and on about his art and everything in his life and he disses women a lot and he is saying how he is an artist and i say OH YEAH WHAT KIND OF ART i'm trying to get him to say the I WORK WITH LIGHT line again and fil picked up on that but he didn't say it too bad. he did say a bunch of annoying rambly manic shit and i thought it was funny how he didn't remember me i mean he has fucking pictures of me even.
oh he even mentioned how he lost his phone which killed me cos the first time i met him it rang twenty times and he was all about his phone and he even mentioned it anyway yeah he said pretty much everything about himself that he could in five minutes not asking me or fil anything he said he was a scientific engineer or something to which i said oh yeah fil's an engineer and pointed at fil's ring but the artist kept going on about some woman and other garbage.
eventually he went away and it left us in a bad mood cos he hogged our one beer out time so we walked home to watch shitty porn and that emergency room show.
ps. don't go thinking that i am mean blogging about this now like a total coward, at the time of listening i was very polite, nodded my head a lot and said things like COOL and SWEET and DECENT.
Friday, October 20, 2006
oh right! now i remember what i was thinking about when i couldn't sleep.
i was thinking of all the witty things i would say as a guest on david letterman, shit about how we're finally getting over the "safety generation" but unfortunately we are now the generation that knows way too much about itself like blabbity blah i am bipolar/ADHD/body dysmorphic/post modern modern...fuck off what happened to THAT'S A BOY HE PLAYS WITH TRUCKS and THAT'S A GIRL SHE GOES TO THE MALL?
my skin was very dewy and david letterman nodded in agreement to everything i said and was like can you be my new drew barrymore?
just letting you know that this is the best picture in the entire world even better than a picture of fil's penis going into my vagina ok bye.
ps here are some dope school photos of my older brother you are welcome i think the last two were during his sweater phase though i'm *not sure.
*not sure is funny cos obviously i AM SURE cos he's WEARING SWEATERS.
mayhaps i should write a disclaimer guide for my blog explaining the parts where you laugh.
ok here is an awesome story i think i might have blogged it years ago when it happened but i don't know - if you find it you win a cheesy e-card sent from me. ok.
sandra and i went to lava lounge years ago i think this was before i had short hair and went to england which means i was probably 17? anyway back then i was way into faking english accents when i went out boozing and so sandra and i made our way to lava lounge and got in, that place was always pretty lax on carding, and we had a couple hours to drink as much as possible until ward would pick us up and drive us back to mississauga so we drank pina coladas and vodka tonics beers whiskey sours serious shit all while pretending to be british and we managed to find the ONLY british dudes in the place to chat us up and buy us jager shots FUN i love back-peddling my way out of potentially mega embarrassing situations whilst drizzunk!
anyway howling hour came so we toodle-oo'd our new friends who were none the wiser or really even gave a shit that two drunkards were faking accents at lava lounge so we're driving home i'm in the front and i get the major spins and i ask ward to pull over on the highway i get out and climb the side of the highway hills to puke in privacy. it's pitch dark and i am leaning over with my hands on my knees and i can't puke i think ok cool false alarm so i go back to the car and get in and two minutes later make him pull over again cos the upping wants a chucking but this time around there isn't a chance to go on a side of the highway adventure for a nice scary place to puke i have to do it right there in front of traffic with one hand steadying me against his car and i got a ton of puke on my shoes too.
anyway we get back to sandra's and i crash there but not before puking a ton more in her bathroom first and her mom asked her the next day if i puked there and sandra played dumb.
the moral of the story is pina coladas = VOMITSAUROUS REX when also combined with the entire universe of booze in two hours the end.
fucking merkley texted me at 6.30am and woke me out of a nice deep sleep and i couldn't get back to sleep til 9 and he won't even apologize for it. i had to listen to fil's various styles of loud breathing for over two hours my favorite!
i was trying to think of the cuntiest email to send merkley but then i started thinking about buying myself stuff instead.
the moral of the story is fuck you merkley.
noel's creations are viewable in magic pony's storefront window right now ya'lls!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
oh yeah i forgot to add that sandra's mom has her own cleaning business and sandra use to clean with her after school, sandra and i go back to kindergarden, anyway, she is also italian so this means she will be in her head compiling a list of all the dusty surfaces and fingerprints and smudges of our condo so i have one hour to clean everything and make my hair not look greasy cos today is not bath day though it could've been but come on it's ME here. oh yeah sandra is also going to be a for real opera singer. could this be more like seinfeld?
WORST HAIRCUT EVER UK RAYMI
my statcounter told me that so far today, 910 people have looked at my blog so this means that i should have 910 comments right!?!?
i'm gonna start losing my muthafuckin mind on you guys and take away unused privileges like comments and then you will have my mom to reckon with!!
thee bitches love them some raymi
I was house sitting for my supervisor and we found some art in her house that looked like faux Raymi art! It reminded me of your popsicles! So, I wanted to pass the pics onto you because you are obviously famous if someone is imitating your style!
Natalie & Kendra
me: i am listening to that song that white people get wasted to and dance like scottish retards
home for a rest
i dont know why
i think this is a new low for me
i have a zit-type thing on my nose, a blemish that's not a zit and won't be cos i already pressed on it a million times and any puss that was going to come out, if at all is now deep inside my brain. i wish i had a tiny band-aid to wear over it cos i think i would look really cute. i'm trying to see how much suck i can bring to this blog can you tell?
i am seeing my friend sandra later today whom i have not seen in years, well three summers ago just when fil and i were somewhat courting each other anyway, i went to mississauga for a raging rock and roll party (not kidding) that my friend scott notoriously throws and i got there before sandra but other highschool chums were there, sobia for one, and she was about to go pick up sandra from the go station and me being the genius that i am said LET ME GET IN THE TRUNK AND I WILL JUMP OUT AND SURPRISE SANDRA.
so i did and we drove through town with me in the trunk and when sobia got to the station she asked sandra to grab her something out of the trunk, popped it and i get out and go BLEEEARGH! and sandra's eyes went all big, she stepped back with her hand to her heart and i was jumping all around like a scarecrow on meth (i was a little manic at this point in my life) and was all HI SANDRA HI SANDRA HI SANDRA.
i was wearing a fluorescent orange shirt too and sandra was like ALL I SAW WAS THIS BIG ORANGE FLASH JUMP OUT AT ME WTF!?
and a good time was had by all.
we rented the omen last nite and it is scary. the kid is a crappy actor, in the last scene he is flailing his arms and screaming and it is the worst performance ever. julia stiles is garbage also, the dialogue isn't so hot either and julia just makes it even worse however half-way through i was thinking that there probably isn't another actress i could picture doing this role other than her. crappy dialogue + crappy actress = somehow works.
anyway she is not in the majority of the movie so it doesn't even matter.
go see it cos it is the spooooky month of october and yes bla bla it's a remake why not see the original? people who complain/mention that shit are ugly little trolls under my basement stairs in mississauga fuck off. you see the remake cos you get all the modern effects, blood, explosions and so on.
oh yeah rent it cos the special features are pretty decent you get more than an hour extra of shit to watch.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
yes i know i am a grandma who uses the internet to look at cat pictures and forwards them to everyone on email a hundred times.
i have not had a bowel movement yet today though in writing this i think that i might. tonight is sober nite and we will probably go see a movie. i am going to pluck the hair that grows out of my chin now. with excitement like this i don't think my book will be finished in time for christmas. oh well.
i bought the worstest microwave dinners two days ago. when lise and i hang out we are either buying clothes, getting wasted, or grocery shopping. anyway she was like are you going to get those and i said yes despite the pictures being the complete fucking opposite of appetising looking. anyway we ate the curry beef brisket the nite of iron maiden and it truly bummed fil out. we rate it no stars well maybe half a star for the rice.
i am about to dine on CHICKEN A LA KING. i will let you know how it is later.
please stand by.
**verdict: more like chicken a la smells like chinese food but tastes like 1982 stouffer's. i have doused the entire thing with salt. it's ok enough but i think will affect my emotional stability for the next three hours. i feel like a loser.
the packaging design is fully flawed. the meat sauce whatever takes way longer to nuke than it says on the box so you have to stop after 7 minutes and take out the rice so it doesn't dry out but most of it does anyway. SIGH.
**UPDATE - i threw it out. i ate a few bites and decided wtf fuck this. took up way too much of my time and then has the audacity to look and taste like barf? i would write parker lee a letter but they would probably not even respond resulting in more of my time wasted and then i'd get parker lee coupons or something.
i bet you can't wait for my fried noodle with pork review.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
fil and i are going to see iron maiden tonite and be in a skybox! i can't wait to look down on suburban trash whilst eating steak and drinking cristal or whatever. also i don't know anything about iron maiden so it will be like when paris hilton asked what they sell at wal-mart, walls? it's fil's work's box so i hope there will be white-collar dudes with cellphones clipped to their belts nodding their heads like they know what's going on i wonder if fil has to clip his cellphone to his belt tonite? the cat is fucking the teddy bear right behind me on the ottoman so right now my lips are only 2.5 feet away from his lipstick.
ok i have something to brag about try and top this
i know this chick in the burbs who works for nintendo and when we visit she is always at the bar and she tells me about the latest games and products or whatever therefore i knew about wii WAY BEFORE YOU DID and there is no way you can prove that you knew about it before me.
the moral of the story is i am cooler than you.
UNAGI - shock and awe
unagi is good music.
sharpachu: hi drunk cleaners
yeah it was like 130am and i went to get water and then decided to clean the entire kitchen
is it sparkly?
i noticed a lot of stains i overlooked
so i mostly just moved the dirt around in swirls
sharpachu: haha! of course...that's why you need to do that shit stoned
cause then you can CONCENTRATE!
raymi: my heart was only 2/3 into it
sharpachu: what was fil doing?
raymi: i thought it was a huge accomplishment tho
i was watching final destination 2
sharpachu: i love puttering around cleaning and stuff
AND THAT CONCLUDES THE GABBLY CHAT OF THE DAY COS ZERO PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF ME AND SHARPIE JOINED.
UNAGI - shock and awe, highway me drunk, fil driving
last nite i drunk-cleaned the kitchen i am brainwashed.
canadian blog awards
can you guys just fucking nominate me this time? no? ok can you give me some money then? pick one.
*ALSO* I WILL BE ON gabbly TODAY AT 1:30PM but not for too long because it is bath day. but then i will go back on after my bath. mondays will be gabbly days.