Saturday, December 09, 2006
courtney says, "FRUUUUG BLEEEEAARH Funnngh dreeeeee koo koo koo bzzz pee pee oorh." which translated, means: VOTE RAYMI, COS SOMEONE HAS TO REPLACE ME DOODS!
TWO YEARS AGO TODAY
don't forget to vote you ungrateful dicks. thank you.
people who don't like cats are assholes and they're the same people who think dogs are smarter - FUCK!
WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM!?
cats are better because they don't make loud barking sounds that make you snap your head around because you are all startled and your heart kind of stops and then after the startled-feeling goes away you then have complete anger and annoyance and have to leave the room altogether because there is a dog and it is barking all over the place and then the cat looks at you and says don't worry dood i'll take care of it so he goes over to the dog and punches him with his little cat fist and the dog goes oh ok sorry guy and starts licking his balls and other dog-things until you have to let him out to crap in your backyard while the cat is sitting politely in his little box reading the newspaper taking a doo doo and gracefully covers it all up for you to scoop it out later when you feel like it.
and then barky mcbark bark is all look at me look at me i am a dog bark bark yip and slams into the diningroom table and destroys everything pretty what is your house while kitty larue is telling you to fuck off with his eyes because he has this thing called pride something that dogfuck lacks because dogs are not as cool as cats.
don't get me wrong i do love dogs i just prefer cats because i am crazy as a loon and bitches like me who are lazy assholes opt for low-maintenance snotty animals who are needy sometimes while completely invisible other times and then when you start crying they come sit on your head and sniff your stupid eyes and nose and feel bad for you and then when you are done using the cat for having your emotional needs met you can go on a bender for a few days, come back and cat is like yo dude WHAT'S UP i didn't notice you left but the dog is all hysterical, complete wreck of a creature while you were away all of your house is messed and smelly and you are like, I. HATE. MY. LIFE.
the way i see it, if you want a fuckin' kid, give birth.
DOES MY FACE LOOK LIKE THE MASK GUY FROM V FOR VENDETTA IN THIS PICTURE YES OR NO
KEEP VOTING Y'ALL, THANKS!
last nite i buckled, or rather, fil did, and he opened two presents, party 'til you puke and the indiana jones dvds. we played party 'til you puke for all of 5 minutes and went through 2 beers each, fuck that, my stomache was killing so that's how i got him to open the dvds and we watched them all. the majorty of the squares you land on say YOU SPILLED AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF SCOTCH HAVE A DRINK and i said WHAT IS THIS A chad game??! it pretty much is. you can get it from urban outfitters for 16 bucks.
there's one part in raiders of the lost ark near the end, a bug lands on belloq's chin and scurries up to his mouth and goes inside his fucking mouth and he keeps on acting, that shit was totally NOT in the script. if you have this movie go to the scene where they are marching the ark of the covenant to where they do that priesty king solomon shit and it's the part when indiana has that RPG over his shoulder and threatens to blow up the covenant SO during all that back and forth banter that bug on balloq's chin thing happens.
i did not appreciate the campiness of the temple of doom and that female interest was pretty obnoxious and talked a lot, not unlike myself thank god for that little goonies kid who somehow is miraculously capable of kicking 300 lb dudes and send them off to their doom um no offense kid, you are about the size of a grasshopper, JUST saying.
i pretty much passed out during the last crusade so i will have to tell you my generous opinions later on.
whilst watching the movies i asked fil infinity questions and he ignored all of them. my memory of the series is pretty bad though i was unable to just sit there and act like i was seeing them for the first time cos there were too many little deja vu moments anyway i got really bitter at fil and made him feel mean. i win.
its that time of year again
the exam time crunch
when all the coffee shops are filled with college students and grad students and laptops and ipods and bookbags and most of all stress
and i am one of those students occuping the seat in the corner, well more like loitering in the seat in the corner, making a tall americano last all day
and i am so fucking stressed out it is a bit unreal
one exam monday
two on tuesday
the worst on wednesday
and the last on saturday
im not sure if i will make it through without some C's to be honest...
but your frequent blog updates provide lots of scintillating distraction for me, and a giggle or two to maintain my sanity throughout it all.
it can't get much worse than this.
Friday, December 08, 2006
VOTE FOR LAZY!
here is something i will finally address, as you all know, mg is no longer married and many of you ask in my comments what went down and where did the wife go bla bla etc. here and now will be the first and last time i say this, we are no longer friends, fil and i were friends with her because she was married to my friend matt and once we got to know her we accepted her, vapidity, ignorant, bitchiness and all whatever if you drink enough you can come to like ANYONE lo and behold once mg and money-grubber's relationship began to deteriorate he informed me of all the mad shit she had been saying about me AND FIL the ENTIRE TIME and what really got my goat was that i had refrained from ever saying anything mean about her ever not even to my friends who were like dude what are you thinking!?! this chick SUCKS! i cannot even read her blog... but nope i was respectful and EVEN DEFENDED HER TO THEM.
all this valuable shit-talking time, all down the drain i could shoot myself.
anyway, matt's last tour i went along to hang cos dude was not dealing very well and naturally i got a little sucked into the mess, to make a long story short this lady sent me TWO scathing text messages and here they are:
1. STAY OUT OF MY MARRIAGE YOU PATHETIC PSYCHOTIC BITCH
to which i replied your marriage is already over, baby and you are the worst liar ever.
2. IT'S NO WONDER EVERY GUY YOU'VE BEEN WITH BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU YOU DESERVED EVERY BIT OF IT
to which i did not reply.
this coming from a flake who thinks paris fucking hilton is a genius and also someone who claimed to be an advocate against cruelty toward animals you'd think it would carry over to humans.
anyway, you can take the girl away from the trailer, dress her up real good, give her your wallet, but she's STILL trash.
also, i was not beaten up by every guy i dated, just two, the first one was more psychological abuse and being spat in my face and shoved around, burning hot pizza shoved in my face, property destroyed, regardless, and they were both drug dealers and very controlling mean abusive people. anyway, i survived it and do a fairly good job at blocking out the pain from those days and some skeleton who hates herself cunt saying this shit to me with the intent to get me where it hurts shows how truly horrible a creature she really is.
I don't hate Raymi. I don't love her either. I'm more or less ambivalent. I am just kind of interested that someone who is "the best Canadian blogger" is one who is barely able to string two sentences together in a literate form worthy of the English language. She calls it streaming consciousness. I call it mental diarrhea. Taste is a preference. I haven't bookmarked her.
Given that blogging is about writing, it's curious that our best "writer" utilizes the style of immense font size, a hatred of capitalization, and so many images on her front page that you need a broadband connection and a lot of free time and RAM to load them all.
Tits for hits is apt, but not the whole story. She is genuinely unique, interesting, and funny. She's even darkly attractive in the narcissistic way she photographs herself from ever more erect-nipple flattering poses. Sometimes she is so crude that she is almost endearing in her Bukowski-esque vileness that is both alluring and repelling. Alluring in the way that one might stop to check out a provocative poster. Repelling in the way one might turn off a pair of speakers uttering Death Metal.
She is who she is. I'm not going to hate on her. Do your thing, girl. I aint mad at cha.
taken from the ongoing raymi is an asshole what shows her tits forum.
OCTOPUS EATS SHARK
SNAKES ON A PLANE early auditions
VOTE RAYMI BEST DIARIST 2006
here are the comments:
Comment by Racheal, December 08, 2006 at 04:14 AM
why cant i sit at the table? Are you steal Luke from me? BITCH!
Comment by Charlotte, December 08, 2006 at 10:47 AM
cuz you spell your name weird. Amanda can spell her name better than you. I are steal Luke from you. All your Luke are belong to me.
Comment by jon, December 08, 2006 at 01:34 PM
what.. no hearts?
Comment by Rachael, December 08, 2006 at 02:32 PM
HAHA, jokes on you b*tch, Luke was all over me and you have no idears. Me and the juice krew are starting our own table, same rules almost, but anyone can sit there, even you... damn rules. But don't be surprised if someone shats in your cornflakes b*tch
Comment by magenta/charlotte, December 08, 2006 at 03:48 PM
Your boyfriend says I'm the best.
i have the absolute fucking worst gaydar ever cos i am too busy thinking he so wants me meanwhile dude is fully jocking fil. dear gay guys if i chat you up at a bar cos you are alone and i am being nice do not talk to me to get to fil that is irritating, talk to me to TALK TO ME go the extra step and say RAYMI I AM GAY BUT I LIKE HEARING YOU TELL ME ABOUT MAINE AND COPYWRITING EVEN THO I HAVE A THROBBING MOUNTAIN IN MY PANTS FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW I WILL NOT LET THAT GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR FABULOUS STORY-TELLING.
anyway i am still not sure if dude from last nite was gay or not and it doesn't even matter but i want to know i'm pretty sure the bartender is but still not sure i am always the last to know and it makes me feel really dumb like that simpson's episode with that gay dude and everyone knows except homer, that's me ALL THE TIME.
dear mom and dad do i have fetal alcohol syndrome, don't lie to me tell me the truth, i will not be upset.
there was this raging drunk cougar at the bar when we showed up and fil sat beside her and me on the other side of him and she was so plastered i was wearing the invisible cloak from harry potter in her mind cos she was flirting with fil and asking about the leafs and even said CUJO come on that's like referencing back to the future you are so desperate go back to talking to your bald friend with glasses please and THEN this 5440 song comes on and she is insistent that it is a U2/green day song, um what?
everyone at the bar was like shut up it's 5440 and then she even walked behind the bar to accost the bartender into telling her she is right despite being VERY wrong and he's trying to do his thing and she's all bla bla GREEN DAY and i was delighted by this cos i could see her full outfit and figure and judge her accordingly, her pants were ill-fitting and the opposite of trendy, just saying, if you have the drunken nerve to speak to a dashing bloke at a bar make sure he is at least in your league next time be smart and go for attainable goals.
yes i am being mean but this is what you get when you hit on my boyfriend it is like you just handed me a fancy embossed invitation to carve you the fuck right up.
this has happened to me several times before, fil and i will be out at a party, wherever, and girls will chat him up right in front of me like i am not even there, they are either totally retarded and in denial of the possibility that i might be his girlfriend OR they are ballsy sluts who think they stand a chance and they ALWAYS do the DON'T I KNOW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE line!?!
jesus fuck at least the dudes who chat me up in front of fil can act normal or wait until they know if you are single or not to go in for the kill, girls are just blatant desperate sluts who don't care either way, how embarrassing, and so once they prattle on for five minutes fil puts his arm on my shoulder and their face just deflates HI RETARDS THIS IS WHY YOU ARE SINGLE.
please vote for me or i will fucking kill myself YES I AM MENTALLY UNSTABLE LIKE THAT.
merkley???: my dogs have to lay right next to me and they give me a hot spot so i have to make them move but they refuse to learn that i am trying to make them move no matter how many times i do it
like each time i try to make them move they act completely baffeled as to why i would want them to
and then they look at me like i am a dick
animals are very selfish
its always MEMEMEMemememe
they may as well have blogs
merkley???: i hate blog jokes i mean NICE BLOG JOKE RAYMI!!!
me: well i couldntthink of anything else at the moment
fine they may as well have a hall of mirrors?!
i hope you OD on potatoes
merkley???: i wish i could remember all my jokes from last night
i was being hilarious
me: yeah im sure they were golden
merkley???: but i cant remember any of them
me: blog jokes are funny on marriedtothesea.com and toothpastefordinner.com
you are just jealous
you have I HAVE A PENIS complex you wish you were a girl
i meant DOUCHE
me: you're a fucking lesbian
thats why you hate the world
cos you have a dick
merkley???: as in douchebage
me: what are you going to do today
merkley???: work on some photos and then go to a christmas party tonight
me: are you going to dress festive
merkley???: i already look like kris kringle
me: you could put little ornaments in yer hair, super miniature and then wasted girls will come up to you and play with them
you're welcome for the idea
little cherubs and tinsel and shit
merkley???: why not just hang them on my balls and walk around with a boner?
thats way cooler
me: WHY NOT WALK AROUND THINKING YOU ARE THE COOLEST THING TO EVER HIT THE PLANET AND ABOVE EVERYTHING YOUR INTERNET FRIEND TELLS YOU TO DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
my grandpa died december 8 when i was in grade 6 and john lennon was shot december 8, before i was born. not to be a big emo or anything but i always remember this date no matter what.
this will irritate you
RETRO RAYMI HOUR: maggie gyllenhalalalalalll as BONER OF THE WEEK.
also zooey too AND spencer sloan shouted me out at JANE MAGAZINE i dunno how long ago that was whatever the explosion still stands!!!!
oh here is thora birch as boner too.
Good Morning Raymi!!
I just wanted to say THANK YOU SO VERY VERY MUCH, for doing the painting! I've been a fan since the beginning and honestly, best birthday ever. Last night, Lindsay called me over saying "just get here now!" so I thought something was wrong, I rushed over, and she goes "are you ready for your present?" I now currently have a perma-smile, so thank you times a kazillion.
Hope all is well and merry christmas!!!
ps. its quite sad how giddy I am. hehe.
ok voting isn't fucked anymore so's you know. you can only vote once every 24 hours.
this is why i am voting for you.
You are beautiful most of the time and cruel and sometimes hurt my feelings without even saying anything directly to me. This is why I am voting for you. You are the one that rocks the boat and everyone gets pissed off because you spilt their drink but secretly they are in love with you.
beautiful most of the time? huh? anyway.
incidentally, i can't get the voting page thing to load for me right now i think the internet is racist against me anyway if you can, please go vote for me for BEST DIARIST right now and you're done for the day, thanks.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
VOTE FOR ME DIRECTLY RIGHT HERE NOW EVERYDAY DON'T STOP I LOVE YOU XO RAYMI
immediately upon voting you get to see how many votes there are for each blog.
me: dear phil: IF YOU DO NOT LEAVE WORK SOON I WILL BE FORCED TO REARRANGE YOUR SOCKS WITH THE DAYS OF THE WEEKS WRITTEN ON THEM SO THAT MONDAY IS PAIRED WITH THURSDAY, WEDNESDAY WITH FRIDAY, SATURDAY WITH SUNDAY, AND SO ON.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED,
sincerely, John Stamos
truly, michelle tanner
me: I DO NOT FUCK AROUND
me: i found a video of your mom
merkley???: dude thats old
me: DUDE I KNOW
merkley???: but still totally unbelieveable
i saw it 7 years ago
merkley???: i saw it in the sixties
me: it didnt exist then
merkley???: you didnt
me: you didnt either
merkley???: born in 67
summer of love
me: OLDNESS CALLED
THEY SAID CLOSE THE WINDOW
merkley???: diapers called, they said you smell like poop
me: dude newsflash, people who say poop are tragically unhip
that word makes me cringe
it's a dealbreaker
merkley???: nice knowin ya
people who get hung up on one word are HO
me: you coulda said pooh even
merkley???: i bet you do paris hilton tilt when you look in the mirror
me: at least i dont make my personality revolve around a question mark
voting begins this afternoon sometime please select me for best diarist though some of you are being little bitches about me running against dooce and i thank you for your positive support THANKS GUYS TOTALLY MOTIVATING!
this is probably the first time in my life i am attempting something when there is a distinct possibility i will lose and instead of cheering me on you guys are all OH NO oh nonononono OH FUCKING NO. shame on you.
typically if i know i will not come out #1 i don't bother with things, i give up before even trying but not this time INTERNET no way!
in grade eight i was on the cross country track team, i know, hard to believe, but it's true, don't worry there was plenty of not-running involved once the teacher jogged passed and then i fake-ran once she came around again telling me to KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. three times a week i went to school an hour earlier to run 5k thinking this is some little club and had zero intentions of going to the track meet at the end of training, so, the morning of the meet i was lying in bed exclaiming that i was NOT FUCKING GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY and it dawned on my mother that i was suppose to be doing something that day ie track competition and she forced me out of bed to school to the meet and we ended up placing first place, the grade 8 girls. i don't remember what i placed individually but had i not gone our team wouldn't have been first place.
the moral of the story is YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES.
one heart attack with cheese, please.
me: ooh i forgot i had those chips
i want two ultimate burgers right now please
Phil: look im trying to be nice and calm, just give me two nice juicy cheesy ultimate burgers please RIGHT FUCKING NOW
me: do u want me to fedex them
Phil: THATS NOT FAST ENOUGH STOP BEING A FUCKING PUSSY AND GO PICK THEM UP AND THEN BRING THEM TO ME IN A FUCKING TAXI BEFORE I KILL EVRYONE I SEE
Phil: wow ok sorry i lost my cool
should i go to burger king and have a breakdown?
and sit there surrounded by quad-stackers crying and eating
tempting, i know...
me: i think you might have to
requiem for a toy story
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
two things i neglected to mention from last nite: (oh yeah we went to a leafs game)
1. some drunk old guy said that i LOOKED LIKE CHRISTMAS and instead of coming up with a witty remark i said something DANGEROUSLY uncool instead which was THANKS I LOVE CHRISTMAS. and it is also an outright lie.
2. i pretty much black-out sang don't tell me by madonna at karaoke AND i let the host make RAYMI IS CRAZY jokes about me before and after like he always does and hit the fart samples and i did not even flip out at all.
ps. somehoe my flickr account was upgraded to pro how did that happen is it because i am now the most famous person in the world? awesome.
CBC RADIO 3 BLOG INTERVIEW
MEMEMEMEMEMMEME! ME! me.
Raymi: right. Ok, so you are pretty legit.
R3: i tell myself that every morning.
Raymi: are you an intern or, like, a big deal or something?
R3: something. i wrangle the blog for R3.
Raymi: that's nice. So, my "s" key is busted. It is kind of fucking with my equilibrium.