Saturday, December 16, 2006



i think that i am going to start a club for girls with long hair and the stipulations are if you want to join

1. you must be a girl with long hair

or

2. you must be a girl planning to grow your hair long

3. NO BOYS ALLOWED but they are allowed to offer opinions though they will not be official members

these are the things we will talk about/do in my club:

-long hair
-brushing
-what long hair looks like with little stickers and barettes and tiny miniature trinkets in it
-hats
-celebrities with long hair
-how cheesy guys look with long hair (most)
-hair balms and pomade
-shampoo&conditioner brands
-blow drying
-contempt for short hair
-ms paint long hair drawings
-discuss my sexual discrimination case of not allowing male club members



and more!

the club will be called GWLH and it will likely disband after 4 hours bye.



after the third spill i had to cut fil off from drinking wine last nite from a grown-up wine glass and demoted him to a tumbler he sploshed it everywhere i think drinking after two days of sobriety puts him/us over the edge we didn't even drink that much.

we watched a few episodes of huff season 2 we have a cd of every episode so psyched about that except we can only watch it on fil's computer so i won't be able to cheat ahead of him and the thing skips majorly.

oh i discovered okra/potato rotis lise, they're awesome.

come out to sparrow tonite y'alls.



SUCK IT DOOCE!



How to be a Small Town Slut

Raymi,

I can't remember where it was published but I used to forward the link to all my gf's. They loved it as much as I did and I'm glad to have found you here.

I plan to get Marketable Depresssion, I know what you mean about how it's been used to target people in advertising etc etc etc.

I have bouts with the big D myself, it was trendy for a while now its a pain in the ass.. Anyway your words have brought me great amusement...

Thanks for that.

Cheers,

Jeff

PS- What about a compilation, you published anything like that?





dear raymi,
gratuitous applause
congratulations on the INTERNATIONAL blog award dealy-bomb.
it's well deserved. because you don't suck.
damn good stuff, i say.
me and mine love your blog with the heat of a thousand burning celebrities at sassafraz.
-ben sandwich.

Friday, December 15, 2006



here is my last mission statement:

I SHOULD BE FIRST PLACE FOR BEST DIARIST BECAUSE I AM THE MOST INTERESTING PERSON ON THE INTERNET AND HAVE BEEN FOR A VERY LONG TIME AND I AM VERY VERY EXTREMELY REALLY REALLY GOOD LOOKING AND I DESERVE AN AWARD FOR SITTING ON MY FUCKING ASS EVERY FUCKING DAY AND WRITING ABOUT MY EXOTIC LIFE AND EVEN VISITTING YOUR BLOGS AND ARGUING WITH YOUR READERS AND EVEN WHEN I WENT CRAZY FROM POST TRAUMATIC STRESS IN 2003 AND SLOWED MY BLOGGING DOWN QUITE A BIT I OVERCAME IT AND MADE A FIERCE COMEBACK AND PUBLISHED TWO BOOKS AND SOON WILL HAVE A THIRD OUT.

I AM THE #1 BEST CANADIAN BLOG, #1 BEST CANADIAN HUMOUR BLOG, AND #1 BEST PERSONAL CANADIAN BLOG.

NO NOT NUMBER 3 NOT NUMBER ELEVEN, BUT, NUMBER FUCKING 1.

and i would just like to congratulate myself in advance for fuckin' rocking best INTERNATIONAL diarist i wasn't sure it would/could happen but it seems to be so at this point HAHAHA.

TO WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS AND MAY THE NEVER MEET CHEERS SUCKAS!

ps vote for me more again etc up til midnite thank you.



i have to go get fil another birthday present cos i made him open them all except for the one thing i got him to try on with his eyes closed and even this morning i tried to get him to wear it to work HELLO RETARD CALLED THEY SAID FUCK OFF RAYMI so i'm going to get him to drive me to the area of where it is so i can purchase it meanwhile it is quite a big thing so i don't know how i will hide it i will have to walk down the street and wrap it at the same time and then when i get it home and he is drinking on the couch i will have to drape a bunch of crap over it and pretend like it is furniture OH THIS? WE'VE HAD THIS OTTOMAN AGES, DOOD. i was going to get him a non-stick frying pan cos the other one is dunzo but that is kind of a sharesies gift and i didn't want to spend over a hundred dollars on one at williams sonoma. that's a decentish pair of shoes fuck that. if i am going to spend a hundred+ the thing i buy better be as big as a fucking ping pong table also how much of an asshole would i be if i am like happy birthday here is a frying pan hi guess what i am 70 now ooh lets heat up some butter and make shrimp. gay.

the other thing i was going to get him was some sort of DIY nerdy science kit like build your own rocket or something like that but then i thought what if he blows his face off, not cool. i could get a him an ant farm cos ants are pretty safe tho pretty boring, maybe fire ants, fire ants are cool.




party all the time



i love richard



merkley???: people dont understand that it takes effort to remain interesting
they fail to recognize the work and dedication --- even though it comes naturally --- there is work
i hate them

me: yes
seriously some nites when i cant sleep i think of shit to write
and zingers

merkley???: i know

me: andthen when i get up i initiate them
and then they work
there is nothing more painful than forgetting a great zinger

merkley???: well i can see that -- and the best part is that you work hard enough that to the outsider non creator it seems effortless
thats why i love going after the lazy schlubb no talent havers that make the mistake of making unqualified criticisms

me: yeah the latest and my personal favorite is I CANT READ RAYMIS BLOG OMG I DONT UNDERSTAAAAND IT IS THAT EVEN ENGLISH
uh sorry that your nerd eyes cannot comprehend COOL

merkley???: no its not english --- its cool english and you have to be black or cool to understand it
except not black
that part was just kidding
BTW lately i like to say just kidding after totally normal things

me: hahaahahaa

merkley???: like while ordering
i'd like a big mac
just kidding

me: HAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAH
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

merkley???: say it after EVERYTHING for an entire year and then write a book about your experience

me: you just made methink of something new

merkley???: just kidding

me: OK LET ME GO GET MY I DONT CARE NOTEBOOK
ha

merkley???: ha ha
just kidding

me: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA



this morning fil asked me if i loved him even tho he is handicapped.

his handicap? deviated septum. i call bullshit. dude you SNORE because you snore you breath loud cos you are a dude and you are getting older deal with it.

he doesn't like when i talk about these things cos he doesn't like people knowing that he is actually human fuck i want to rip out all of my hair sometimes!

anyway it is fil's birthday on sunday he will be 32 (OLD). wish him a happy birthday or something.

also don't forget to vote just one more time thanks the site is likely getting slammed today so it's taking a teeny bit longer to load, don't give up though i appreciate all the support v. much.



Hello Raymi

Mi name is Martin, and by now, I've hitting your blog with some regularity. I'm no blogger, and that makes me wonder how and why I stumbled into your blog (because I REALLY don't remember). Nevertheless, that was a non regrettable event.

The first time saw it, it was called "do you want to be my friend?", and this I do remember: when I finished reading it, I told to my self: "hell yes, I want to be your friend". Why? well, let me say that I think You're an absolutely interesting person.

So, here's this e-mail, asking the same question just right back at You.

Martin


last day of voting is TODAY the polls close at 11:59pm tonite thank fuck get all yer sisters and cousins to vote for me thank you!

Thursday, December 14, 2006



First sentence from the first post of each month in 2006.

JANUARY

i tried to spell my name cos everyone else was doing it even though samir's word i don't know what it was suppose to mean?

FEBRUARY

i made steaks last nite for dickhead 1 and dickhead 2 and did they appreciate it enough?

MARCH

ladies try it with yer actual boob size then start over and choose the biggest boob size and choose horseriding, don't forget to view it from another angle also.

APRIL

last nite was....RETARDED. evidence here.

MAY

me and nico

being sick sucks.


JUNE

solid potato salad uh?

JULY

ungh i fully have to crap right now.

AUGUST

I luv you:)

SEPTEMBER

i dreamt that my dad was chaperoning/hosting david bowie all around toronto and i was like cool i'll stop by and so i'm all casual me and david bowie sharing stories of the family's past and stuff cos david bowie and i go waaay back to when i was a baby then by the end of the dream/third day of david bowie's visit i realised that david bowie was actually a friend of the family *mike who has rock feathered blond hair and is pretty much a fuck-up alcoholic anyway i was like whatever cos i am in an indian food fair now eating dahl who cares.

OCTOBER

oh and to answer your question ryan, a refrigeratorhead is the name of my next cat or first born child. also picture post from same day.

NOVEMBER

fil bought socks that say the days of the week on them he told me he is almost forty and for a second i believed him but wait he isn't even 32 yet but soon dude, soon.

DECEMBER

doodboogers i know there are a lot of you i need MORE VOTES today is the absolute last day do you want me to lose to a mommy blog? OR do you want a mommy blog, TO LOSE TO ME!?!?

idea tiefed from binsk



fil wrote an email defending my honour to cp's comments made here:

hi cp this is phil, raymi's boyfriend.

i just read your comment and wanted to make a few points:

- i think the comments in hdw's blog initially attacked raymi without her having said anything about hdw. i read them earlier and thought that they were cheap, immature and uncalled for, but to each their own. i certainly didn't see any comments by hdw asking people to cut it out.

- the suggestion that the way raymi's friends behave on other peoples' blogs is a reflection on her is just plain wrong for two reasons: 1. of the thousands of hits raymi gets a day, probably a dozen are friends and i can assure you that none of those people are interested in wasting their time arguing with others about who has a better blog; and 2. a blogger, or a writer, or an artist cannot be held accountable for the actions of their readers or listeners or fans [unless they specifically endorse and encourage the actions for which we would hold them accountable] - if that was the case then j.d salinger should be in jail for not telling mark chapman not to shoot anyone. raymi doesn't tell people what to do and it sure as hell isn't her job to enforce or even encourage some kind of morality amongst her readers that you deem appropriate.

i am older than your husband and regardless of my being with her, raymi's writing constantly impresses and entertains me. people who judge writing based on adherence to grammar and 'appropriate' topics are disappointingly narrow-sighted.

best,

px






this lady would not fucking move she saw me with my camera and just turned away chatting on her fone so fine i will take a photo of your olympic pool-lengthed ass happy shopping!

me: look.

Sabrina: you look cute there

me: we look like french canadians
fil is frowning

Sabrina: hahahaha

Sabrina: i dont even know what french canadians look like but it sounds FUNNY to me

me: oh it is
they talk like this doo boo doo broo doo
hahahaa

Sabrina: hahahyaha

me: my mom is french canadian so this is extra funny



me: hahaha the one guy who is the most pompous in that chicks comments is a BASSIST read: UNEMPLOYED

merkley???: sweet

me: he used something i wrote in jest in the comments to back up his argument
a caption i put under a foto of me wasted
um dude sorry but that's probably the most interesting thing you will ever read in your entire life

merkley???: ha ha
blog fights are fun
the nerve people want me to title my blog and i dont wanna
i just want it to be merkley???

me: merkley says

merkley???: Up Your Butt and Around The Corner

me: AHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA

merkley???: A Great Blog For Kids!

me: fully

me: you know how people lose their minds if you swear in front of their kids

merkley???: yup

me: like that little douche is never going to hear the f word
ever
how about he hears it from me now instead of some trashy kid in the schoolyard whose parents molest him
at least from me the cuss words are inventive
anyway that concludes raymi's annual parental advice

**Update the comments have been taken down haha wow can't even handle a few hours of raymi this is why you are losing.

**double update comments are back but you can't leave new ones.



i finagled a copy of talladega nights last nite i didn't see all of it nor did fil so DO NOT TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS or else i will start blogging like a metrosexual handbag fetishist I MEAN IT!

what i did see i could barely understand anyway, i think i need my ears checked will you still read my blog if i have hearing aids? ha, aids.

we went to look at sassafraz last nite and took some more pictures. these two fossil-type italian blokes came out of this bar/resto with sherlock holmes pipes and said OH let's go for a drink hmm it appears to be CLOSED, pointing at sassafraz. hahaha. i love rich old guys who insist that it is still 1920 so we followed them for a bit.

last nite was sober nite so i bought three non-alcoholic drinks:

coke
blueberry/watermelon fruitopia
sprite slushy

after drinking the coke i said mmmm i feel like having a gingerale but then i bought that fruitopia instead and fil said i thought you were getting a gingerale and i said oh i'll get that on my way back hahaa this is a good story follow along anyway i laughed because i pictured myself as doc oc with a bunch of arms in a trench coat running down the sidewalk shoving people out of my way and drinking something from every hand.

so i got a huge sprite slurpee from 7-11 and i'm fifth in-line cos some genius is doing his lotto 649 whateverthefuck DUDE it is shaming enough that you have a gambling addiction why not wait for everyone to buy their little chocolate bars and packs of dentyne before going through your lottery stacks of wasted money? idiot.



essentially a nite walk for us is a DISSING STROLL where-in i saunter about dissing everyone who requires it, not to their faces of course i'm not a courageous lunatic.

here is a dissing example: this guy was walking toward us wearing black bondage-type raver pants and his hair was shaved save for some messy parts he had scattered-about AND hairsprayed wisps over his forhead and he was looking down and smoking and walking with a I AM BETTER THAN THE WORLD vibe and he was sort of smirking in this pious kind of way that pissed me right the fuck off so after we pass him i declare:

SORRY BUT YOU ARE NOT A CHARACTER IN A COMIC BOOK NOR ARE YOU ACTING IN A MOVIE AND YOU ARE RIVER PHOENIX AND YOUR CHARACTER FACES HARDSHIPS YET OVERCOMES THEM AND THEN LEARNS FROM HIS EXPERIENCES.

more dissing examples later for now it is espresso time.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE FOR ME TODAY TIME IS RUNNING OUUUUT!



ooh guess what there's a blogwar going on about me right now that i had no idea about apparently i am a skank and i have acorn tits. fwahaha.

here is an email informing me of the matter:

HOLY FUCK! This blog competition is stressful and I'm not even partaking in it, aside from voting for you. I have accidently started a blog war in one of your competitors comment section all because I said you weren't a skank and that you were deserving of your votes. I suppose I didn't really start it since they are the ones who turned around and questioned my intelligence thus angering me.

Some lady, I'll attach her picture, said you post pictures of your acorn looking nipples. I always wondered what acorn nipples would look like so thank you Raymi for apparently having them and posting pictures of them. Truth be told, I really didn't think there was such a thing as acorn nipples. But the crazy thing is that this girl has a muffin top stomach and thunder thighs, again things that I didn't really think existed! So I must thank her for showing me those, okay maybe not because it wasn't too appealing.

Apparently because you are different from the blog they love you should not be allowed in the diarist competition...one of the commenters has a little banner thing saying she's open-minded. This open-mindedness stops though when it comes to bloggers who don't hold onto grammar like it is the only thing that can really distinguish their blog and persona.

Gays can marry but that blogger Raymi cannot be part of any competition because she doesn't use proper grammar on the internet.

Although I must say that I did cause someone to put up a post about how to debate ( http://www.thewebpen.net/blog/2006/12/how-to-debate.html), because I apparently can't which I wasn't really doing anyhow (isn't defending someone and debating something two different things?). And someone posted the following which is awesome because it finally calls them on their douchebaggery.

"I went and read the comments over at HDW's and it was all too familiar. It was HDW's regulars who started the name calling with "skank" and other general ribbing that was less than fun. If somebody were doing that to me, I'd be proud of my friends for sticking up for me, whether I asked them to or not, and whether I was winning or not. It's like a gang over at HDW's and this is one of several reasons I stopped reading Apple Martini. This little episode pretty much solidified my feelings (and would solidify my vote if I ever bothered). It seems to me as if you just jumped on the bandwagon without having given Raymi's blog a chance.

Raymi writes a really good blog. She also shows her tits. Big fucking deal. Seriously Howard, spend a month reading her blog get to know her style and who she is a little bit. I'm not a big fan of hers but I read several blogs that rave about her. And if your trying to say she's winning cause she shows her boobs, that's a bunch of bullshit. There is no shortage of boobs on the internet everybody has easy access to however many pictures of boobs they want. And many of them are better than Raymi's (I'm willing to bet HDW's are). 700+ people don't visit Raymi's site just cause they want to see boobs. Come on!
And as far as you grammar snobs go: You sound like a bunch of people that have such low esteem that your trying to ride high with gramatical shibboleths"


Anyhow, excuse the longness of the email I hope you don't mind that my intention was to defend you (even though I'm sure you don't need it...) and not to cause drama and attach it to your name/blog.

HERE'S THE COMMENT THREAD. green apple martini's handle is HOTDRWIFE. sorry, anyone who has to define themselves via marriage is sad. "MY LIFE ON WISTERIA LANE."

enough said.



raymi-

i wanted to let you know, i really like what you're doing with your blog. Because its so unBlog. I'm pretty sick of the kind of spirit of seriousness that encases a lot of the blog writing on the web. The bloggers that envision themselves as sophisticated internet pundits, disseminating unique enlightenment to the general scene. i don't think that blogging should be about dictation, and the exposition of objective value. What you've achieved with your space, i think, is a feeling of conversation instead. Rather than saying "here is value x; now observe my wit in unearthing it and elucidating it to you", you're creating your own values through creative exercise. Very post-structuralist of you. i think a lot of this has to do with the way in which you write. Many of the traditional blogs are still very modernist in conception - the writer's identity is skewed, and the feel of the writing is very much like that of a topical magazine; with a kind of absurdly sacred respect for both the rules and the elegance of language. Your writing has a much more depressurized feel to it, and i think this creates a more authentic encounter. So, way to go with the whole thing.


o.k,

riley

Wednesday, December 13, 2006



DEAR: PARADISE FRESH COLGATE FLAVOURED TOOTHPASTE

YOU TASTE LIKE SOAP DETERGENT

THE COLOUR PURPLE

THAT PURPLE GUM THAT ALSO TASTES LIKE SOAP DETERGENT AND THE COLOUR PURPLE

I BOUGHT YOU BECAUSE I HAD TO KNOW WHAT PARADISE FRESH TASTED LIKE EXACTY AND I FELT THAT IF I DEMANDED THE KID AT SOBEY'S TO TELL ME HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN AND THEN I WOULD HAVE TO COMPLAIN TO HIS MANAGER AND THEN HE WOULD GET FIRED AND THEN I WOULD FEEL MEAN



IF YOU GIVE ME 1000 DOLLARS I WILL EAT AN ENTIRE TUBE OF YOU

PS DON'T EVER ASK ANYONE IN ANY STORE EVER IF THEY SELL BRANDY CANDIES (WASN'T BUYING THEM FOR MYSELF) KIDS YOUNGER THAN YOU COP AN ATTITUDE AND THEN YOU FEEL LIKE A HUGE ALCOHOLIC, ESL OLD GUYS PRETEND NOT TO SPEAK ENGLISH ALSO MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE A HUGE ALCOHOLIC.

YOUR PAL, RAYMI

double ps here i am as an emoticon

i am crying screaming WHAT and my hair is swooped.

SASSAFRAZ IS BURNING!




SASSAFRAZ BURNIN' VIDEO


















i sneaked my way in these cops were like um no you can't go this way and i was like um i have to go get my car from budget and they said no try again in two hours so then i walked thru the fancy hotel front door area through the courtyard oh hello there's budget. suckers. as i was leaving the scene i took a corner to go to bloor i overheard some guy scream into his fone WHAT THE ROOF COLLAPSED?!!

where will the yuppies sit tonite whilst trying to look important and where will the celebrities go from now on? whatever.

when i first showed up it looked like they could save the place though it was still burning and by now if the roof has collapsed well, say o nara!

*update yes the roof collapsed the entire thing is destroyed but they're saying they might be able to save the structure. feh.

-connie chung

ps i bet it set on fire cos my blog title today is PAT BURNS no wait pat burns started it not only am i a reporter but a scientific researcher AND detective too!

(psst pss pss don't forget to vote for me).






































OH CANADA



we won, finally