dear raymi

i feel like a creep caus i read your blog a lot.
i fucked up last night and i was drunk i did a couple laaame things and put people in fucekd up positions caus i was not thinking.
i do my best to not talk about my fuck ups, just when i need to get it out i will vent.
i guess it is admiring that you are so open with everything. uh that wasn't to mean i think you are a fuck up clearly you are not, pretty much the opposite from what i see.
and sometimes its nice to see that somebody you i feel like i stalk caus i have your website in my favourites has messed up and moved on and sometimes its just nice to have an example caus i realize my day will soon be over.

-rosanna

i don't know why people make big deals about blue christmas lites THAT'S NOT A CHRISTMAS COLOUR they say with their hands in the air and their stupid fucking shoulders scrunched up to their ears um are you the christmas colours rep? in my head i am thinking about how stupid they are, complaining about a colour of lite that someone chose to adorn their home with personally offends you? why?!!? how about being greatful that someone put up any lites at all you know house after house after house with nothing and then oh blue lites wow you're totally in a bad xmas mood now? gay. like there are suppose to be rules if you are planning to participate in christmas, you have to do it right, greens, reds, whites ONLY. fucking racists.

reminds me of elementary school during art class being told what to draw and how to draw it and if you did your own thing, S-, or "doesn't listen to instructions." (in my catholic elementary school they graded us VG+, VG- G, G+, G-, S, S- i don't know what was below S- cos i never got anything below it, but i think it's pretty dumb to have pluses and minuses beside a VERY GOOD like it is VERY GOOD yet, STILL KIND OF CRAPPY? it's either VERY GOOD or VERY NOT GOOD make up your mind, retard.)

i think blue lites look wicked especially the LED ones but the regular ones when i look at them they are all blurry and i feel like i am wearing ten pairs of beer goggles and on acid, now that totally puts me in the holiday spirit. the LED blue lites are barely even blue they are mostly white with a tiny blue tint GET THE FUCK OVER IT YOU TACKY FUCKING LOSER WITH THE INFLATABLE SNOW GLOBE ON YOUR FRONT LAWN THE SIZE OF A GARAGE WHY DON'T YOU JUST STRETCH A BILL COSBY SWEATER OVER YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!?



yesterday we went to radmad's karaoke party but we didn't get there til 1 in the morning and after a million drinks and rounds of guitar hero with pitt. oh yeah we saw tori spelling on bloor and she was carrying her own umbrella and walking and that somehow delighted me i dunno i guess i expect celebrities to travel by horse chariot or something anyway she was wearing this bad army bomber slut jacket and her ass was wide.

i 8 mile karaoke choked on the mic at radmad's, it was funny cos i turned off this girl's song who was lying down on the couch and singing and doing a perfectly good job of it then i put on hella good and after three lines realised i was waaaaaaaay too fucked to even read the words let alone stand AND sing AND do a better job than that girl was doing so i sat down on the seat near the tv to change the song and when i bent over i felt like i might puke so i didn't change the song i just kind of sat there uselessly while everyone was like WHATTHEFUCKHAPPENED? and i immediately became everyone's enemy you know when it's howling hour at a party and everyone is feeling HONEST and they are unable to pretend show you they like you and they're trashed mean yeah that was the fucking vibe haha.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

GWLH rita's new bangs.

RAYMI'S GUIDE TO HANGING WITH CELEBRITIES

if you want celebrities to think you are cool enough to deal with then you have got to be interesting, i cannot stress that enough, and what you think that you are? no no i'm sorry, go back, do it again and then come back. people ask me all the time HEY RAYMI HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET RON SPARKS TO COMMENT ON YOUR MYSPACE? (just kidding ron sparks, no one asked me that) and i say it is because i am SOCIALLY ENGAGING also, being good looking won't fucking kill you either. if you can, be that. um what else, oh be funny, if you aren't interesting then you at least have to be funny, if you can't make a toddler laugh then you have NO CHANCE at hanging with a celebrity, no dice.

you basically want to lube them into thinking hey why the FUCK is this person hanging out with me i am a pile of garbage and they, THEY are FUCKING AWESOME.

also it is a major plus if you have at least one eccentric friend who will do anything you tell them for the sake of entertainment like HEY JOSH GO LICK THAT GARBAGE CAN, hilarity ensues. see, hanging with celebrities can be nerve-racking for both parties, they are kind of unsure as to why they are hanging with you so it's like you're always being tested and you're nervous cos you have to like talk about all this shit, talking can be hard, so if you have a friend that is licking a garbage can you and your celebrity can talk about THAT.

simple.

another plus is having an acquaintance present that you DO NOT LIKE, this can open up the shit-bagging bag which is ALWAYS fun and gets the ball rolling for your celebrity friend to shit-bag their nemesi. that word isn't real i don't think but it is FUCKING COOL TO SAY i just pictured myself with a silencer pp7 in a black one-piece squatting behind a corner and i was mouthing that word which brings me to my next tip, remeber how i said be interesting, non-sequitors are a big part of being interesting, use them and use them often.

example:

hey isn't it funny how COWABUNGA sounds like COWAJUNGA?

i just got a picture text message from my friend jamie of an elephant, having a cellphone is handy cos then you can be like hey look A PICTURE OF A FUCKING ELEPHANT, nice save jamie. if you can, get your friends to text you but not too many texts DON'T GET GREEDY, you are not a douchebag drug dealer and you are not yuppie mcflappy important talking on the phone non-stop annoying pants, if you want your celebrity to go away that is a sure-fire way of making it happen, dicknose.

uh what else oh yeah if celebrity gets bored they will go elsewhere in search of fun.

booze and blow are an obvious duh, having those things readily available is like wearing shoes, fucking WEAR THEM.

ok good luck.



me: im writing a guide to hanging with celebrities

merkley???: thats great
did you want some pointers?

me: no

merkley???: celebrities also like to be preached to
but you have to wait until they ask advice

me: right
well i dont want to be insulting

merkley???: celebrities are generally very insecure and fame is a way of masking that fact
but yeah -- interesting -- you have to be interesting if you want ANYONE to really like you

merkley???: also, make celebrities follow you
get up and leave
if you have done your job with the interesting/funny thing, they will follow

me: ya go across the street to buy a sandwich and some smokes and then turn around in line and you are like oh, hi

merkley???: and when they try to get you to party -- say nah -- i'm not really into that shit, i think i'm gonna go home and work on my blog
then when they finally do convince you to have one more drink -- roll your eyes as you do the shot
like its so beneath you
like fun is for fags
in fact say that a lot
FUN IS FOR FAGS
also -- its good to point at people who are really having a lot of fun and say stuff like "thats sad"
wait -- i'm talking about how to hang out with sean penn
thanks -- you've been great, don't forget to tip your waitresses --

merkley???: whatever ignorer -- that was some funny shit

me: dude im laughing my ass off right now
pitt is over
he just answered the fone CAPTAIN PITT
if someone called me in front of a celebrity i would answer the fone captain raymi
also he went to starbucks and asked the baristas if they ever pretend to be like sean penn from i am sam (retard who works at starbuck's) and they just looked at him like he was being a prick


hmm it appears i have missed quite a few what should have been obvious pointers i mayhaps have to do a redux. saying mayhaps is ok but only if you say it no more than twice a year. redux is good too. you also need to be arrogant but not unjustifiably arrogant, you need to be arrogant with a sprinkle of humility and you have to be genuine. ok that is all good luck at being me, basically.

UNRELATED here is a picture of a goth wedding.

this bitch in the laundry room gave me cut-eye when i came in and then i went to use one of the dryers and i took out the lint trap and it was full of her fucking fluff lint and she had the nerve to give me stink-eye even when i said hello nicely to her IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU HAVE A DUMPY ASS AND UGLY SHORT HAIR AND YOU READ O MAGAZINE i'm so fucking sick of 35-45 year old women giving me attitude for no other reason other than i am younger fuck you when you were my age i was reading r.l. stine alone in my room all nite long it's my turn now you fucking hag.

i DO ignore you, you guys ARE boring, i am NOT a hipster i don't fucking care what you think about my blog you were just content fodder for five minutes and who said anything about journalism, you guys did, i take the piss out of everything and i write like a monkey and i'm STILL light years more interesting than you will ever be. ps you hate hipsters cos you are not cool and you are insecure and are pre-dissing hipsters cos you think they would dis you and yeah with your attitude, they probably would.
raymi | Homepage | 12.21.06 - 11:57 am | #

i do not even know the bands that you are referencing actually. so you hate a specific group of people because they like stuff that you don't like, good for you, do you feel like you're winning and the only one who has ever thought that before? actually, most hipsters fixate on wearing MODERN clothing NOT vintage. merkley suggested you should apologize so you came here and gave me a "lesson" and everything BUT an apology, why even bother? it appears you have the look-at-me factor not unlike the hipsters you can't stop referencing, and merkley was making nice with you and you thought that yeah you were getting on and then he realised that you went and did the opposite of what he suggested so yes you blew it. so, i am looking at you, and, i don't see much. you are depressed about being a dullard and that's not my fucking fault nor problem. i'm sure you're a nice person and reasonable but being uncool is not an excuse for poor behaviour and making your mind up about shit that you don't know anything about. would you say any of this shit to my face, i doubt it. i don't go judging people until i know enough about them and THEN i go to town. did you see me in that leafy forum calling shit on other people who all jumped on the hate on raymi's blog bandwagon, no, i don't have that kind of time and while i love when the subject is about me whether it negative or positive you guys were just pathetic you could've done better, should have done your research.
raymi | Homepage | 12.21.06 - 1:23 pm | #

so you weren't expecting me to be so tough and that's why you and yer crew attacked me that's pretty mean i mean, objectively so, that people would attack some allegedly defenseless girl cos they think they are stronger than she is, that's pretty low, and coming from ME wow that is saying a lot and luckily i am not defenseless. my archives are on my right sidebar down the page some, it's a drop-down menu thing. don't project your disdain for emo hipsters onto me why do you think i don't use lj. also it was just a fluke that i name-dropped walmart and headaches i was not referring to you specifically at all but it's funny that i was right, again.
raymi | Homepage | 12.21.06 - 2:19 pm | #

if you want to see what i am referring to go here.


GWLH meet RITA

me: i dont have time nor respect for people who aren't cool and who do not respect themselves enough to become cool and they hate on those who have spent years fine-crafting their cool
don't give me yer shit
coolness is an art and it is also a skill
it cannot be faked

merkley???: no kidding

me: it's like gay you're born with it

merkley???: cool is one of the rarest qualities
holy shit

me: hipster is just the current term for it or was in my opinion, cos, being cool, i know that hipster is pretty much over

merkley???: i just looked at her journal

me: even hipsters hate hipsters

merkley???: she is basically lilly tilly and hilly all rolled into one
http://violalee.livejournal.com/

me: HA
perfect
SORRY I DONT BLOG ABOUT WAL-MART AND QUILTS AND SEX AND THE CITY
not to mention livejournals are group blogs
so these people are not confident enough in their content to do it on their own
some stranger411 has to pipe in about their headache and cats

dfas/kjas kdjs

Dear Raymi,
I had a dream that both of our parents found our dildos.

sincerley drunk Bron

also I hope u will still meet me in January beacause I know know how to pick up young russians.

Hah

i walked around this store for an hour yesterday after being on a crowded fucking subway i found maybe 15 things for various people and a few things for me cos the only way i can deal with being out in public is dropping disgusting amounts of money on myself anyway after about an hour like i said i go to check-out and there are 40 people in line and growing fast around me i mean right before my eyes so i went to most of the tables and put all my shit back in the right places more or less and left in a very bitter frazzled mood.

do you know how irritating it is to walk around picking up items for the people you love and thinking about them very carefully each and every one of them, it takes up a lot of brain energy and then after an hour of walking around sweating in your jacket and your arm is numb from holding everything and your purse you go to pay and all that careful selecting was nothing but a huge waste.

so i went to the mall and walked around in a huge daze being bumped by everyone and their aunt and people having yelling conversations all around me i am never going back to the eaton centre around the holidays again and this time i fucking MEAN IT.

i went to le chateau and bought a sweater a hat some tights and socks and 120 dollars later i have ME totally covered and everyone else, i have not purchased one thing, for anyone, other than myself.



so i went to indigo and covered the rest of fil's gift and waited in a line with 50 other people, but it moved quickly, and this dude behind me talked really loud about all sorts of stupid boring dumb shit and it forced me to grab jt's futuresex/lovesounds and a bottle of water and drank it immediately.

oh my shin started hurting quite a bit, shin splints? anyway i felt old and lazy and ugly and crabby so i left the mall, went straight to a bar and played megatouch and drank 5 coronas and a shot of fireball, fil met up with me.

i use to love holiday shopping now i want to be catapulted into the sun THE FUCKING SUN YES!

i will buy everyone else their little trinket bullshits on friday and they will be nowhere near as cool as they would've been if i had sucked it up and waited in line for an hour. oh well.

dear everyone i am about to go on a mystical journey of christmas shopping by myself because i only have three friends anyway when i get back i will post links to things that i bought and i will likely have little anecdotes to share about paranoid thoughts i had on the subway as well as many insignificant, and irrelevant details and observations about my mystical journey.

phil: i miss u already

raymi: u owe me that ticket trade deal was not worth it sigh

phil: aw poor pretty princess

raymi: don't forget to tell everyone how i have no friends

phil: i did don't worry pxxo

Sabrina: without fail some asshole left me a shitty comment on that car accident post

me: send me link
to the post
i havent read it

Sabrina: here

me: omg that picture of u
how awful

Sabrina: i never really show it
i am not even sure why i put it up
i will avoid looking at my blog till i have 15 posts eat it away
so i will be posting like mad

me: where is the comment

Sabrina: it is by Ed
no link or email
comments here

me: there i left u a gay one

Sabrina: aww, thanks.

me: welcome

Sabrina: seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people

me: losers
they read blogs of people who do morally subject things so that they can judge them but really they wish they could be yer friend and know that you would reject them so theyre pre-rejecting you
im smart

Sabrina: hahaha. you are.
but you are fucking used to that shit

me: it still affects me
like winning these faggy blog awards have been pretty anti climactic
and then on top of that i am getting nasty comments
like fuck
people
just be normal

Sabrina: why would they be normal when they can have all sorts of shitty negative attention

me: i dont understand who wouldnt be embarrased by that kind of attention
like LOOK at you look at all yer online judgements and opinions just start a fucking book club and GO AWAY

Sabrina: hahahahhaa

me: and im not saying that to be haha or mean i mean it, they need an outlet other than going to people's web journals and SAYING IT LIKE IT IS
quite sad

Sabrina: the way i see it, i blog ebcause i like to
and people enjoy it or they dont
which is fine
but if you are reading it and enjoying any part of it--then why the fuck bother me?
becuase as i see it you owe me for taking all my shit in


Sabrina: i am not saying i even have the best blog, or a great blog--all i am saying is respect the fact that it is something i am working on even if it fucking sucks. please just stop reading

me: yeah but then they get obsessed
and cant remember if they like u are hate you they are just obsessed
and cant stop
so the more u go on like nothing bothers you
they feel like they should be he-man and be able to control
or stop you

Sabrina: ugh. you're right.
mostly though. i just ignore them, block them and they give up.

XMAS PRESENT
Yo Raymi
my ex bf has a mega crush on you
for part of my xmas present to him I would love it if u could email him to holler and throw some prraaaps. He'd probably blow his load.
his names Andy, his email is **************
If u could do this that would be rad!
Pce
Laura


hi andy
someone told me to merry xmas you so i am writing hello
it's good timing cos i am in the middle of an emo moment right now and i have zero friends but yet i am ruler of the internet
sigh
ok i have friends but they are all too busy for me tonite
right now i am eating a single serving thai kitchen noodle soup thing
i only eat once a day
anyway it will likely not be enough base for all the booze i plan to drink tonite
fil is going to a leafs game i gave up my ticket a month ago to him in order to get him to stay out an extra hour with me
in hindsight it was not worth it cos he complained the whole time and buzzkilled me by pointing out the time every four minutes
so after my soup i will play guitar hero 2 then blowdry my hair and put on make-up fix myself a vodka coke play more guitar hero
then go buy some wine or go to a nothing bar and drunk text my friends
very glamorous

this is the longest email i have written in a long time you should sell it on ebay

see ya
raymi lauren

me: yer family portrait is still my desktop

Sabrina: haha
that warms my heart
when we take the new one i will send it to you
my mom will have to take like 4 so that we all look human

me: haha
did we have the conversation yet where i accuse your sister of actually being your daughter?

Sabrina: no
we can have that because she is totally my MINI

me: ok well is she

Sabrina: nope

me: liar

Sabrina: hahaha

me: ok fine
but you are brainwashing her into being you

Sabrina: it is sort of cool to have her as my sister cause it makes me realize i actually like and want kids because she is super close to being mine
i totally am

me: and yer mom doesnt care?

Sabrina: we are all sort of fucking weird
we just give her the option of testing shit out to be who she wants to be
and when she is a shit--we put her back into line
we call her Jenny when she is fucking rotten and call that her alter ego
and she gets mad and then we make her read and she is like NOOOOO

me: hahahahhaa

Sabrina: so then we tell her we are going to write shitty stories about how she smells or something
so she tries to hurry up and write one about how we are disgusting or something
and she will be like HOW DO YOU SPELL VOMIT?

me: hahahha
do u tell her that u will write it on the internet
u guys are mean

Sabrina: then she will draw a picture that looks remarkably like a picasso and you are suppose to be insulted

me: im going to use that on my mom

Sabrina: hahaha

me: except it wont work

Sabrina: if i want to fuck my mom's day up all i tell her is that she is being a bitch because she is jealous as hell that we all look like her 25 years ago
but i don't do that anymore because i do not want her to hang herself
but i did he when i was like 15
because i am a shitty ass, manipulative person

me: woah
thats some reality for her

me: want to hear another crybaby story or should i save it for tomorrow

merkley???: lets hear

me: ok fils stepdad tod super cool guy welsh etc
his daughter goes to vancouver moves there 5 months ago or something
we havent seen her in a year
anyway im also wasted everytime we are at family dinner sundays
everyone is
on red wine
and lots of it
so he tells this story of how he goes to visit her
and as the boat is taking him over to vancouver island he gets up on the front of it titanic styles
and hanna sees him coming and busts up crying
omg im crying right now
anyway
i told that story to my friend lise a month ago and busted up crying like tears FLEW out of my eyes horizontally

merkley???: you love that story

me: and then last nite i told the story to tod about me telling his story to my friend and then i exploded into tears again

merkley???: wow
emo

me: and then fils sister and bf are like why is she crying they thought it was something serious
and so i explained why i was crying and then i STARTED CRYING AGAIN
like ugly cry
i think it was hangover booze emotions

merkley???: wow

me: anyway i am never ever ever telling that story ever fucking again

merkley???: yeah and you are looping too

me: it is the equivalent of oprah and starving children and aids and puppies

merkley???: the fact that you have cried before makes it more

me: makes it more sad?
i get way too involved in other peoples emotions

merkley???: no just easier to cry again

me: right
well it's the mental imagery of the story and the bond between hanna and tod
oh god
im misting up
so fucking gay

merkley???: ha
i'm from a family of cryers
so it's nothing new

me: well if i ever become an actress and i need to cry i can just think of that story

merkley???:exactly

me: i get embarrassed sometimes

merkley???: which compounds it

me: exactly

merkley???: i could make my sister cry just by mentioning that she cries easily

me: HAHAHAHA

i found a new hate raymi forum and this one is the most pathetic yet.

GWLH club.

i am soliciting girls for girl nite tonite dear everyone i have two friends one is fil and the other is lise and they are both busy tonite so if you want to do something with me call or write.



that's my best diarist button because I AM THE BEST.

ahem.



last nite we saw blood diamond it is very intense to say the least. i recommend. it takes place in '94 and there is one tiny discrepancy i found and of course i wanted to point it out to fil but he big time SHUSHED me so anyway here it is, there's a scene when leonardo sees jennifer connolly for the first time and they're chatting, he figures out she is a journalist and tells her to piss off (his performance is phenomenal btw) anyway he walks off and she follows and then you see the skirt she is wearing and it's one of those DIY denim knee-length numbers, you know, get a pair of jeans and cut the inner-seam and then sew all that nonsense back together in the form of a skirt?



yeah she was wearing one of them things BUT as far as i know those skirts did not come into being, into vogue until 2001ish and even then that's being generous i didn't get my hands on one til 2002 and correct me if i am wrong but i think i would've known if those skirts existed in 1994 cos i surely would've made myself one.

this blog is extremely important and informative, 'spect!

blood diamond is amazing go see it and put your hands over your ears when it is over and run out so you don't have to hear the song about diamonds that douche kanye sings.

DEAR EVERYONE FIL JUST SUCCESSFULLY RETURNED THE BBQ AND ALL THAT OTHER JUNK WHILE I SAT IN THE CAR WRINGING MY RISTS AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I JUST WON 180 DOLLARS AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN DICK HIM OVER RE: THE NON-RECEIPT OF THE LIGHTER FLUID I AM GOING TO CELEBRATE AND BUY US MOVIE TICKETS AND PAY FOR DINNER I FEEL LIKE 180 DOLLARS THAT WILL NEVER RUN OUT OR THAT 20 DOLLARS BART AND MILLHOUSE FIND AND THEY EAT CANDY ALL DAY LONG BYE.

me: ok you know how you convinced me to get fil a bbq
well i did
and i bought 4 pc utensil set
charcoal
and liter fluid

merkley???: cool

me: and i bartered into getting a 10% discount
everything came out to be 180$
and then i had to get him to come pick me up cos i couldnt carry it

merkley???: plus steaks

me: no steaks
so this dude helped me put it in the backseat
this was saturday
and so fil doesnt look back at it or anything
and then hes kinda guessing and then figures it out once i drop major hints

merkley???: shhesh
get control

me: then he says oh we arent allowed to have charcoal bbqs, cos of by-laws

me: !!

merkley???: oh

me: and so i cried like a baby all the way home in the car and up the stairs
and now we have to return everything and i am embarrassed and want to die

merkley???: and i'm watching curb your enthusiasm right now
and i feel like larry david

me: anyway i dont ever want to shop at that store again cos i was kinda being lippy to one dude

merkley???: awe

me: who was being all know it all meanwhile i knew everything he was saying
so i said to fil i am not returning it with him but i have to cos i have to help carry the charcoal and the utensils and the lighter fluid
so when fil walks in with it i am going to dump everything on the counter and then run away

merkley???: that
ha ha

me: and then avoid that entire block for the rest of my life
i should have just bought him a fucking rocket

merkley???: oops

me: so this entire day i have been scared and anxious and depressed because of that bbq
so i just wanted to say THANK YOU MERKLEY FOR CONVINCING ME TO GET FIL A BBQ

merkley???: it was your idea
i just supported you

me: yes but you talked me into it
you tricked me
ps you are not larry david
so dont tell me to get control

**UPDATE**

me: ooooh i just relaised that i dont have to go in to help fil return
i have to just watch the car
yay

merkley???: nice

me: ha
the thing i am worried about tho u will appreciate this insignif thing seeing as u are a larry david fan now
i did not receive a 10% discount on the liter fluid i purchased it separately as an after-thought
and i also cockily chucked out the receipt for it

merkley???: and they will dick you on it

me: so i paid full price 4.55
well provided they even let him return it

merkley???: so gay about the bylaws

me: they will prolly give him a store-credit
now cos i am being a pussy about not returning it with him i will not be able to argue about four dollars and fifty five cents which i am bummed about
cos it's the principle

merkley???: very larry david for sure

me: i hope he gets the same guy who was there who cashed me out
i think he was chinese
are chinese people notorious for their memories?

merkley???: nope
just slanty eyes

me: omg merkley
i am going to have to edit that out

merkley???: no way
its funny

me: well my part was funny you just jerked it up

merkley???: unless you actually hate asians which i suspect you might
you didnt even ha hahaha
you are blameless
its all on me

me: i have a massive asian obsession actually

merkley???: well they are fantastic drivers

me: also when i was there impulsively buying up the world to which they probably think i am a lunatic i was bragging about working at a hardware store, same company, diff location, for five years
well i politely mentioned it once

dick in a box



did i ever blog about the time i rode an ambulance to the hospital with my two roommates during the norwalk virus outbreak in toronto and i was still high from ecstasy the nite before and so i had to sit in the emergency room for multiple hours on no sleep and sketchy and she was on a gurney moaning and yelling in pain and people kept coming in with blood all over them and screaming and then two days later i got the norwalk virus and then lucas got it too?

i don't know how i was able to do all that ER waiting without puking.

then i got everyone at work sick with it too.

TORONTO RULES!

fil doesn't believe me that any of this ever happened and everytime we talk about it i lose my fucking mind he thinks that somehow i got some *other* flu virus that must have also been sweeping the city at the time.

sure fil, you're right cos YOU were there and i imagined all of it. you can even go into my archives and read about it.

anyway that was some scary painful shit it was like please i want to die. nurses and doctors were prescribing tylenol 3s like mad.

this article just reminded me that i am never shaking hands with anyone ever again.

i'm re-reading the robber bride i first read it a thousand years ago before i knew anything about toronto and spinster insecure jealous toronto wives and the annex but now i live here and basically the annex should be called the robber bride.

we drove past a paper store in oakville that specialises in stamps and envelopes and fancy paper and i said this should just be called the NEVER GOING TO GET A HUSBAND STORE.

when i lived in maine i had a paper and envelopes and writing letters obsession i was basically margaret atwood except with stupid flippy hair. it's sad to write letters to people when you are living in the middle of nowhere like everything i wrote was on this expensive paper and i covered everything in stickers and doodles basically i had way too much time on my hands. i should have just blogged more. if you got a letter from me back then scan it andrea i know i sent you one. black out anything that might be incriminating.

i wrote that three page vice ruined my life letter/article when i lived in maine and they published it along with the tit picture i sent that i did not want them to print i only sent it cos i was being manipulative so the first coolest thing i had in print i couldn't even brag about to my parents cos of that tit picture and then in the following issue someone said they liked my letter and they (gavin) said they thought it was boring and i was a slut.

anyway, if you ever need to catch up on some correspondence, move somewhere remote for three months during the winter and drink martinis everyday.

oh i decided last nite that i am going to let my eyebrows grow in like caterpillars i think people will take me more seriously in the right way if i have bushy eyebrows they will be forced into thinking i am extremely profound like sean connery in finding forrester don't be jealous cos i thought of it first you can be sean connery in something else.

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ONE YEAR AGO TODAY



so everyone ended up making out with each other saturday nite on account of my drunklor split personality and then samir was all why won't anyone make out with me!? and he couldn't handle me and sharpie being trashy bulldykes at the horseshoe, but it's not my fault, she said that i talk too much and then mouth-raped me after i shoved her up against the wall and slobbered all over her. and then after i told her and fil to kiss i immediately regretted it cos i got all jealous and on the way back in the taxi i was all DID YOU ENJOY IT TELL ME THE TRUTH!???

and everyone gave me the silent treatment and the next morning fil woke up still drunk and talked really loud and wouldn't shut up meanwhile steve was going to jump off the balcony to go get some food cos he didn't want to leave the door unlocked.

so i won everybody I WON and now as your fearless leader and president of the girls with long hair club i will um i will uh, carry on like before, except skinnier yes that's right i vow to be skinnier and funnier and hotter and 50% more shallow and offensive and catty oh when it is time appropriate of course.

for example last nite during dinner at fil's mom's i made a period joke when fil was having roast seconds and it was mentioned that he likes his meat bloody and i piped up OH I GUESS I SHOULD MAKE A PERIOD JOKE and that was the joke. another time during sunday dinner fil was going through my purse for something and being all ginger about it and someone made a guys-going-through-girl's-purses line and i said WELL IT'S NOT LIKE THERE IS A FETUS IN THERE OR ANYTHING.

in case you forgot or are new, this blog is about THINGS THAT I SAID IN REAL LIFE BEFORE TODAY and it is awesome.

this blog is also about IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS OF THE BOOGIEMAN as well as MY BOWEL MOVEMENTS and OLDSCHOOL TELEVISION SHOWS AIRED SOLELY ON THE CHRISTIAN NETWORK.

it's funny, fil and i couldn't be further from christianity but we like to get geared up for friday drunkenings by watching some good ole wholesome shit it's comforting and this is where some psycho-babbler says THAT IS YOUR INNER DEMONS CALLING OUT.

fil was on his first glass of fancy wine friday nite and the simpsons were on and in the episode they were also drinking fancy wine and i called out to fil from the bedroom DO YOU LIKE THAT YOU ARE DRINKING RED WINE AND THE SIMPSONS ARE TOO IS IT LIKE YOU ARE HAVING A LITTLE PARTY RIGHT NOW?

fil said yes.

seriously i just don't know why the lcbo hasn't sponsored me yet.

did you see that two-headed girl thing on tlc yesterday?

i had a bunch to say about it today but i forgot everything oh well one thing fil told me to SHUT UP when i was talking over the tv cos he was obsessed with the piece on them. um not to be a sicko but when they masturbate who gets the orgasm? i doubt they both experience one i don't think an orgasm that powerful even exists. the right head seemed to be more dominant of the two and anyway ya wow. if i was in the car with them when they were driving i would probably be so scared and anxious i would jump out the window and roll into the gutter and get my skin all road rashed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DINKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111