oh boy you are in for a treat:
i sing my brightest diamond part 1
part 2 whimsical my brightest diamond singing adventure
Saturday, February 24, 2007
this morning fil and i laid in bed looking at the ceiling then i said
POTATO SKINS TONS OF CHEESE AND SOUR CREAM BACON GREEN ONIONS
to which fil went mmmmmmmmmmmm and said
FILET MIGNON WRAPPED IN BACON ON PORTOBELLO ON MASHED POTATOES AU JUS
then did a disgusting lip smacking mmm mouth watering noise then said
then i said
FAJITAS IN A RESTAURANT THAT SIZZLING CHICKEN ONIONS PEPPERS SMELL
EGGS BENEDICT WITH TONS OF HOLLANDAISE SAUCE
PHILLY CHEASE STEAK AND FOR DESSERT A CHICKEN SHWARMA FROM AGABI
then we talked about mcdonald's for ten minutes until we couldn't take it anymore and i nuked some microwave butter chickens, i only ate my chicken and gave fil my rice adding it to his butter chicken and it looked ridiculous how much food it actually was. they're the president's choice light menu things totally low in fat totally delicious.
tonite is fil's work xmas party, they have it in february cos i dunno people go away i am excited cos my hair is longer this year and i am not a heffer. last year i saw a couple escort looking chicks in long cheesy game show spangly gowns i hope they are there today. i am not allowed to give out my blog address or tell any personal stories about fil no problem you'd think people would be tired of fil stories by now i will regale them with how lazy and ignorant i am. oh when fil says we have to leave then that means we have to leave. last year i cried at the table cos he wouldn't dance with me but also cos all these old couples were cutting a rug and i was sad cos i never have boyfriends who dance. i was also pretty cut. i'm going to dress like a total teenager, fil doesn't care.
the show was great last nite, but short. fil was swooning non-stop like a nerdy teenage girl EMBARRASSING but cute. it was good to see johnny he was looking good though his shoulder was busted. then we met samir sharpie stefan and angie at the paddock and hung there til they kicked us out around 2 then all came back here for obnoxious guitar hero party, the entire condo smelled like samir's onion meat pita and i kept being noise control nazi, the neighbour's have never complained about the noise to us and i feel like it is only a matter of time and i don't want to be the one to talk to them at three in the morning wasted with four other people over, anyway it was good times. stefan thinks cid is bigger than bizo (samir's cat) i dunno bizo is fatter but cid is longer if that makes sense. too bad it was sharpie's last nite out sigh. everyone was WASTERSSSSSSSSS it was good.
i hated not having a camera i felt anxious obligation all nite long like i always do when i'm out i have to capture everything and i would go to do that and then remember, oh right. stefan made fun of my computer and made me feel poor he couldn't believe the pices of shit i work with, it is missing 6 buttons and it is ancient it may as well have a trackball. samir said hank and mike is a big deal movie and was impressed i had something to do with it go me.
what else about me oh yeah everyone told me i looked great and glowy and amazing and something else it was a good me three minutes probably the highlight of the nite.
oh i also had infinity beers last nite but two of them were lights.
hypnotized, fleetwood mac
Friday, February 23, 2007
old picture i prolly used already
and now for some important information
we are going to see sparklehorse tonite a band fil has a huge boner for, long ago before i knew about fil the fossil i use to buy Q magazine and one time i got a free cd and on it was a sparklehorse song it was when i was in grade seven and yes i was an advanced cool youth anyway tonite will be interesting to see a band that i was into independently of fil it feels like i formed them despite fil obviously being way more into them than i am he has all their cds and when they are on i say WHO IS THIS?! everytime. i know one song and i can't even tell you the name of it and i have known it since however old i was in grade seven.
me: ok please consider my suggestions
u can get a small thing of vodka and get cran juice
Phil: ok bye
me: ok bye
oh get a lime too
Phil: ill try
cos a lime is so hard
shitty and mesmerizing
i need a camera badly, i feel like a useless chump without one. fil sent a link to the new pentax but there isn't a release date for it yet. FUCK.
one of my favourite pleasures is ripping my lip skin off with my teeth then drinking red wine and having the newly exposed cracks in my lips stain dark red almost black and then waking up the next morning with scumbag vagabond lips. secretly tearing off my fingernails at a bar and letting them fall to the floor while admittedly so seems bad, it is mostly orgasmic. i know you guys don't like me anymore anyways so i am bringing on the disgusting. i am an artist and i have small fingers and hands so i am allowed to do anything i want. it sounds awful when you read it in words but when you see me in action it is almost beautiful like poetry as blood delicately seeps out of my hangnail wounds and i suck it away while you tell me about the canon you are taking apart and putting back together again with tiny screwdrivers.
after we lost the game last nite i said using the alphabet lets think of worse things that could happen right now to make us even more depressed:
and so on
before that we did band names with adding cid into it:
cid rollins band
for R i said rancid haha yes we don't have friends.
so yesterday was fun and tiring 12+ hours of wearing my heels in a fucking throwback to in living colour fly girls outfit, nothing like what it was originally to be. sorry no pictures yet. i lost a few pounds too i think standing around all day and dancing and twirling with a boa and other crap. we had to do these fake shots for one scene and they used watered down coke so nasty, 1 part coke 30 parts water basically. i had the whoriest make-up like homer's make-up shotgun hit me in the face and i went out with it all on to the bar and felt like a cad whatever my life has no meaning anyway. there were a ton of old dudes crashed out on couches snoring during breaks, men don't last very long at all. this is the movie by the way, a lot of that trailer is not the actual footage the movie is way better than i originally thought. basically all day i stood on a stage in this bar around keele/dundas in front of this band and acted like i was having a lot of fucking fun. i think you will see me a lot in that scene, we'll see. they will prolly specifically edit me out of every shot now that i said that. lise if you were there yesterday your heart would have broken fifty times cos of all the old men in bunny suits so weepy so sweet sigh.
they tried to make me go to rehab
The problem with communists is they act like bossy know-it-alls in a country where nobody has any power and information is banned.
How about these stupid fucking trust fund kids with the communist star on their hats? Dude, you are so full of shit your fucking diapers are jealous.
oh man i love making fun of people where to begin? don't think i forgot to tell you about that super annoying girl from the other nite, i have seen her TWICE since i'm hoping she will be a regular feature on my blog she has some sort of communist insignia on her jacket and she couldn't be more plain jane canadian if a fucking bucket of maple syrup landed on her head. the reason she sucked so hard is cos the entire time at the bar last tuesday while fil and i were trying to watch the leaf game she was yell talking and pounding pints with her dude friend whom she clearly wants to be her boyfriend and you know he is not feeling it, she shit talked EVERY SINGLE GIRL SHE KNOWS INCLUDING DUDE'S GIRLFRIEND, not to be mean but she wasn't the hottest nor the skinniest so obvs. there's some insecurity at bay that's fine but do you have yell your bullshit opinions to everyone on a quiet nite?
originally we were right beside her but this dude moved so i made us move further away no matter cos i could still hear everything she said one gem was I REALLY HATE THAT FUCKING CUNT BUT I RESPECT HER TOTALLY I MEAN I FUCKING HATE HER SO MUCH BUT I RESPECT HER. um, hate and respect in the same sentence no sorry you are confusing ENVY with hate, the end. you can't hate and respect someone, respect means admiration and admiration means like, basically you HATE that you LIKE her and are jealous. this chick talked non-stop and when we scored dude tried to look at the tv for two seconds and she said OH FUCK OFF DON'T LOOK AT THE HOCKEY GAME WHILE I AM TALKING TO YOU! holy demanding and needy! it was obvious that everyone around her was super annoyed too.
so then she gets to shit talking this guy's girlfriend and he's drinking so much cos he can't stand this talklor so he's just agreeing with her so she shuts up, she used the word ACTUALLY a lot. then she listed off all these girls she works with and how much she despises them and how they get better treatment or benefits than she does. uh maybe it's cos they don't spend the majority of their time complaining you fucking basement troll! i got the feeling if i sat beside her and made some sort of joke then went away she would immediately say something nasty about me, she was that type.
anyway on wednesday i saw her when i was on my walk but she went north on avenue so i couldn't follow her, and she was wearing the same thing as the nite before. oh when we were leaving the bar she was ahead of us with that dude and i heard her ask him if he was going home to bed ie: can i come home and convince you to cuddlefuck me.
last nite i saw her at the bar again so i am pretty excited to learn it is her new locale. she was with three others and was totally trying to domincate all coversation and as they were heading in from their smoke she goes WELL THAT'S WHY I SWITCHED FROM LAWYER TO...
STAY TUNED FOR MORE OF MY AMAZING OPINIONS AND OBSERVATIONS!
this blow is awesome
OH HELL YES
jeff got my justin timberlake cd.
thanks for my prize package.
it totally felt like the episode of the brady bunch where the little
one pretends to know joe namath and all his friends think he's full
of shit, but then joe shoes up at the brady house and little bobby
was all...suck on it.
yes it was just like that.
i wrote it about it on my blog. go read it.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
lauren raymi woke up this morning at 2:30 to brush her teeth because she thought it was time to go to the shoot. i lay in bed shrouded in sleep fog wondering what the fuck she was doing what with her call time of 6:00 and the alarm being set for 5:00 and the rest of my sleep was completely wrecked.
she tried to explain over the phone this morning but i'm still not sure what was going on.
raymi is busy shaking her shit in slutty clothing in front of the camera for your future viewing pleasure so i'm driving the boat today.
anyway, she reports that things are going well and what did she say, oh yeah, lots of douchebags are s l o w l y driving by the set and leering at all the girls. well what do you expect, i say. i know i'd be doing the same thing (strictly to see my own girlfriend obvs).
so i'm going to go eat like a fucking pig on queen street now (after putting back a good 70 grams of tim hortons breakfast sandwich grease this morning i might as well go whole hog) and score a bunch of concert tickets.
this is so the hottest destination for march break this year.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
we are going to go camera shopping tonite maybe so i can have a camera tomorrow to take pictures of sluts and freaks and whoever else. i am in a way better mood than i was this morning. i went for a long walk and bought some underwear for tomorrow's filming they're those new la senza underwears that are futuristicly soft and they are aqua i had to find something in the blue family, the wardrobe chick has some sort of halter for me in various blues, she sounds nice, her friend was a burlesque dancer in the 80s so she has a ton of outfits.
i bought this nice skirt and jumper and shirt from h&m the jumper is something cory kennedy would wear i swear h&m designers sit down and say WOULDCORYWEARTHIS WCWT or WHATWOULDCORYDO? ok that's gay please don't let that catch on. i didn't have a depression spiral in the changeroom cos clothes fit me better now i lost ten pounds for anyone who cares.
i also bought a book from indigo I WAS HOWARD HUGHES there's going to be a lot of time to kill between filming le sigh. i could tell that afternoon at indigo is prime sleaze time i could feel eyeballs all over me please leave me alone so i can browse the under $5 table. i totally saw this guy pretend to be looking at leftover valentines bath oils and beads while checking out this chick's boobs and ass and every other vagina that walked by and he saw me see him hiding behind this pillar so he went somewhere else to spy. WHY ARE MEN GROSS? please tell me if you have ever pretended to be invisible in a bookstore on your lunchbreak to look at girls thank you.
before i went out i tried on all my blue underwear and felt like a pasty veiny cow and now i can feel like that in new underwear i may as well NOT be on the colour spectrum. i didn't buy a robe i'm just going to hang out in my funeral dress between filming and ten hundred other things i plan to bring. here is a howard hughes quote:
I was not nearly as interested in people as i should have been.
and here is a nice email NOT from howard hughes:
i hope it's not too much of an inconvenience. I plan to say nice things about you. The other day my boyfriend was talking about the killers and how he would not want to see them live with me because I just make fun of their music. But I said no I would enjoy it because the lead singer looks like raymi's boyfriend. And he was like "oh yeah RAYMI" like making fun of me because he doesn't know who you are. But I did some research and I don't know how I got that into my head, the lead singer really doesnt look like phil, except maybe in this picture?
I liked him better when I thought he looked like phil.
This is going to sound whiny because it is whiny but it has a point. I've been having a really rough time lately because my best friend dropped off the face of the earth and I'm all lonely and making bad decisions about everything BUT reading your blog cheers me up a lot, especially when I see that you have very kindly kept a link to my blog, which I really dont write on anymore since too many people I don't like know it's mine. Like when you were writing for a while about how you had no friends? I was just thinking in my head "what is she talking about she has tons of friends what she is saying CANNOT BE TRUE" but it made me feel better about my own rather friendless
Also, I've been trying to figure out about how to express this but I was so impressed when I first found your blog, I was just like holy shit this is the coolest girl ever because of your stylistic choices, linguistically I mean. And now that I've read it more I feel like the way you write has had a big impact on the way I think about things AS THOUGH I was writing them. I'm sure you know what I'm mean, like if you're out at a concert and things are going on, and you start writing a blog/journal entry in your head while it is going on, or shortly after it has happened?
I was out at a concert and I went on this rant about how I hated girls trying to get up to the front of the stage by doing that simpering "i'm a girl and you are a bunch of guys so you should let me in there" which is not really a set of behaviors but more like a whole aura/attitude while they are jamming themselves inbetween other people trying to look kind of snobby but cute. Then there were guys trying to jump in front of people like big lumps of bad manners, pretending that they were just SO INTO THE MUSIC that they were only accidentally pushing tons of people out of the way and getting closer to the stage.
The whole thing was really inspiring, it made me want to go home and write on the blog I can't write on but then I realized that I was basically really excited about posting a you-ripoff, which I had started composing in my head. So that makes me feel lame and dumb but I think ultimately it's a compliment because you are obviously a
powerful writer if you can shape the way anyone thinks. This email will be longer and gayer if I don't stop myself here so anyway
here's some journal excerpts from around 2004 and half of it sorry i can't decipher some lines i probably got from movies or books or bits of conversation.
eating kimchi noodle soup i wish noodles were easier to eat so i could shove them all in my mouth at the same time having a quiet moment with a cigarette and a beer and i'm stoned and going to meet mum somewhere soon after i blowdry and straighten my hair and my legs are sticking out of this jean? trashy shirt i want to be a model.
my finger is bleeding lets get drunk i feel like i have resin on my face
everything is different when you're on blow sometimes things are better while sometimes they are worse the worst moments really are the worst and quite awful you know though it's a good soundtrack for your life.
i was fucked i didn't talk for the whole year. that fucks you up a bit i moved 21 times.
journaling is so gay these days. so emo. what is this music theme day?
i should buy rollerblades
i really like kylie minogue
i will buy rollerblades
i quit weed and carbohydrates at the same time for 36 hours dumb fuckin' idea.
these cramps are so bad it feels like i am morphing inside out and into the bed or maybe i'm stoned this pain is unreal.
raining with the spinkler on.
you live in the past.
today i am wearing sunglasses went to casino niagara last nite lost money.
insomnia all over the place.
this is pretty shitty.
i remember an earwig fell into my mouth outside this window by the gate door i was 4 years old or something.
one day that frig of a cat will say something to me.
clearly my mom is a headcase and now here is her brother my uncle mike and some dominican sluts. check her post for his little anecdote, he's heavy into fishing culture.
WHAT'S THE LONGEST YOU'VE SPENT FIGHTING A SALMON?
when my uncle mike gets into something he goes all the way collecting hockey cards for example and then after the stanley cup game he will drive to the winning city with all his rookie cards, sell them and make huge money. he also metal-detects, yes, he has maybe four metal-detectors and a whole room in his house devoted to all his precious finds - rings, necklaces, antiques. when we were kids i remember hanging out with him helping him dig for whatever the detector detected and unearthing a measly pop can tab, at the time i didn't realise he was just using me for grunt-work. then he felt bad and spun my brother and i on the merry go round but got us to lie flat on our backs and i almost flew off into a tree cos i was a little pipsqueak. mike is missing a few key brain cells i think. he is really into wearing those cheesy oakley shades and splash pants he basically dresses like heaven's gate - splash pants, track pants and nikes.
he's like the epitome of manic and the absolute height of eccentric and is very sensitive too. my mom beat up neighbourhood kids for him cos he was a wuss, they use to steal his gi-joes. in montreal he made my mom sing the theme for mission impossible while he scaled the side of the house and climbed it. he also shot sticky darts at my nana's glasses during an afternoon lady tea party from the top stairs and two of them stuck to her glasses.
one christmas he glued tweny-five dollars in quarters to a silver spray-painted box for me and was hurt when i was all what the fuck? but i kept them anyway and bought a hole EP from sunrise records the day after boxing day and the quarters had glue and paint all over them.
on may two-four we would go to bobcaygeon and he would force me shawn and cousin jeremy into a boat at 11:30 at nite "when the fish are out" and we would wear layers and layers of sweaters and jackets and we would sit for hours in a fucking boat trolling for pickerel and this one weeked i was the only fucking one who caught a fish, the only girl and he even made a huge stink about me coming out anyway shawn and jeremy were all fuck this when they got back to land and went in so it was just me and mike and the fish - i killed and gutted it and held its beating heart on my finger after it was out of its body.
years later at my mom's surprise 40th birthday party my mom is telling this story in the kitchen and mike's wife goes HEY mike said he caught that fish he gave it to my dad! and then my mom pulls mike into the kitchen and publicly calls him out on his lie and he gets all embarrassed and starts biting his nails, stammering, saying uh uh i actually do not recall WHO exactly caught that fish.
lucky for him i was out at the park smoking hash at the time.
anyway mike rules more on him later. here is my mom's take on him. there's also a picture of his boat.
i may as well live-blog my television watching experience - i just tried watching regis and kelly and now feel 30% dumber oh but wait rachael ray is on! super NOT fun. john stamos was just on with her talking about gyros/pitas and he made a gyros joke and she didn't get that it was a joke and talked over him I HATE HER how dare you do that to john stamos! no i am not eating bon-bons i am painting drawing and having tv time with cid. i seriously feel less smart though, talk shows are so dippy why is there a need for blow dryer boot camp? do women live in caves now? this woman is trying to figure out how to dry her frizzy hair and rachael ray is talking over the blow dry teacher holy why don't you shut up? what's next a lesson in band-aid application? i fucking learned how to blow-dry in the womb.
haha rachael just said "forget it i am out of the loop" out of context then when the audience gave her a pity laugh she SAID IT AGAIN!
i am in an explosive bad mood i think i pretty much flopped the audition last nite though i can still be a no-talking burlesque dancer which i am thinking maybe i don't want to do it anymore cos my time is super valuable though fil just guilted me back into doing it and i busted fil's camera i should have just stayed in bed then the camera would be fine. it fell off the table and the lense was open all the way nothing popped or shattered it just won't shut is there a toronto camera doctor? if not it's time for a new one. HUGE BAD MOOD HUUUGE! i also had the craziest longest shittiest dream where some girl was kissing fil and hugging him in front of me and he was all cool about it so i slapped her strangled her punched her in the face multiple times then came to and apologized profusely and even fil was like what is wrong with you and she told all my friends and they were very disgusted with me and then the rest of the dream's theme was centred around how much of a fucking loser i am basically then i open this email this morning FOR REAL:
I'm still reading your blog and enjoying it. Just thought you would think this was funny....I dreamt that Phil and I kissed last night and it was the best kiss that I have ever had. My subconscious must have kept an imprint of how hot I think Phil is from photos i've seen on your blog. I wish someone would kiss me like that in real life, it was awesome. He! Goodluck with the audition. You will blitz it no doubt. All the best, Karen in Oz x
psa give Phil a big smooch from me:)
PEEP HOW NONCHALANT SHE IS!
i told her i would stab her.
it's ok she wrote back and apologized but not for kissing fil in her dream or being in my dream either though i don't know what she really looks like.
what i don't get is why in my dream was I apologizing for her kissing fil yeah i get it i punchisized her face but isn't messing with man a ticket to fuck my shitupsville? stupid dream.
oh and then i was playing with bats and locusts and ping pong with an ex-boyfriend and driving a race car in the 1920s on a sidewalk.
stay tuned for a story about the most annoying chick EVER from the bar last nite.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
can't eat it but one can dream
yes i am a huge asshole for doing that and i should burn in hell.
WHY SINGLE HORNY BITCHES HAVE BEEN FLYING TO LONDON
TELLY SAVALAS BACK IN REHAB
me: i need to get something to wear to yer work thing
last year i looked like a potato this year i have to look slammin
Phil: oh god no dont worry about it
i want to call in sick
me: well are you or aren't you
your wants wont help me not look like a potato
hey gang on thursday i am going to be a burlesque dancer in a canadian feature film called hank and mike i think it will be in the film festival in 2008 sometime and then after that who knows. initially i was maybe suppose to be a nude model in this scene with the dude who does the voice of fat tony for the simpsons (joe mantegna) but i wasn't "fat enough" or "reubenesque enough" can you believe it? i am sort of dreading the shoot cos i am pasty and i don't have shoes and i don't have a robe. i have to get one. it's too late to go tanning cos i will most definitely fuck it up and have lobster ass.
laura bennett, jugface, bottom middle
is anyone watching project runway these days? don't you HATE that jugface pregnant bitch!?! when we watch it i say at least ten times how much i hate her and how much of a bitch she is. all she does is criticise EVERYONE else's work and then during her one-on-one camera chats she talks about how she criticised everyone else's work and how she didn't jump up off the couch to greet the no-chin/neck tattoo guy I FUCKING HATE HER. fil told me to tell you that he hates that shovelface too.
she's pretentious and snotty and a tattle-tail and cannot take criticism at all but is always number 1 to dish it out i am in fucking love with hating her. last nite's episode we got to see her apartment and her 4 boys, 5 maybe? i dunno but i was thinking BURN ON YOU YOU WANT A GIRL SO BAD AND THE ONE IN YOUR STOMACHE WILL PROBABLY BE A DUDE and her husband looks like einstein.
you really need to watch the show to get the full grasp of just how much her face really is a jug.
all of her designs are exactly alike, long plunging necklines, empire waisted cocktail dresses zzz AND when she sees other people's designs she goes over and tells them that she is worried about them planting seeds of doubt and insecurity, she can't handle competition and the only way to thwart it INSTEAD of creating something unique is to bash someone else's design FUCK OFF.
this is the best mad tv spoof ever:
project runway - mad tv