here is some voting motivation for you:
in that video we were discussing fil's fart jar, i am mind-blowingly trashed and samir is sammered. it is over a year old.
sign up and vote for me for best celebrity blogger. i am on the eighth page right now cos i have one vote only so far, i'm up against perez hilton and whil wheaton, it's suppose to be celebrity bloggers, not celebrities WHO blog or blogs ABOUT celebrities. i don't expect to win, xiaxue is in the running too. i dunno when the voting ends but the winner will be announced june 2nd. who knows who knows.
this is their synopsis of me, sounds about right:
20 something Canadian girl, journal style writing, insane. Loves herself and her hair and that is about it. People either love her or loathe her, quite interesting to watch the hate she can generate.
it's shitty that you have to sign up in order to vote.
*update: i'm on the fourth page now with 3 votes, i think i am going to win.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
here is some voting motivation for you:
oh how i love wife swap. notice how there isn't a husband swap? cos if some strange dude came into your home all judging your family and parenting skills the lady would be all NUH UH and pound his ass. it would be funny to see, duder all nervous chin quivering, hovering in the background like a ghost, about to say something, opening his mouth and closing it like a fish and wife is all WHAT WAS THAT? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT slamming dinner plates down on the kitchen table.
last nite's show was a goodie in that every single person was infuriating as hell, the one dad was a computer role playing game addict and his social skills were disgusting, couldn't get one word right and barking out orders from his computer BRING ME KETCHUP and the wife waits on him hand and foot, the son too and ENJOYS IT. fil said he would show up with an assault rifle. we are going to be awesome parents.
borderline retarded, high-strung, and insane. what do you mean you can't wear make-up to kindergarden teacher says that? ahah.
i like how wife swap always has a family that is extremely lazy, sloppy, fat, bad diets paired with a psycho neat freak perfectionist family and the wife that goes to the dirty house breaks down crying about how dirty everything is.
i think my favourite episode was the raw foodist family that stored raw meat in jars for months and called it high meat and when the rule-change happened (when the new wife tells them things a be a changing 'round these parts) the son blew his top but couldn't express himself properly because he is home-schooled, has zero friends and his parents are yokels, anyway he went into the kitchen to shotgun an egg and the dad said that "the raw egg will calm him down" and then they go out to eat restaurant food and it makes them sick and the dad has a crying breakdown in the bathroom cos he cannot bear to see his kids in pain what the fuck grow some balls you inbred fuck.
yeah there are always home-schooled kids on wife swap that's pretty awesome cos then the new wife makes the kids go to regular school for a week and it never lasts more than a day cos the kids have no social skills whatsoever and they are behind their grade level, and the kids bawl their eyes out about having to go back, sad.
in a perfect world all parents would be amazing teachers but this is not the case, there are obvs. some slacker moms out there and i'm sure a shit-ton of biased info being taught to their home-schooled kids.
i love talking about wife swap.
this classic clip makes me so sad, the cuckoo christian mother's eldest daughter is exactly like the mother and bosses around the two other daughters who are skinny and perky. i think they brought the mom out for another show she is such good tv.
that poor family.
Friday, April 13, 2007
ahh never gets old, yes i am the dirtbag in the beetle bailey hat and that is a penis sippy cup not a dildo. i am doing kiefer sutherland before kiefer sutherland did kiefer sutherland.
if this doesn't convince him to party with me then i give up. SOMEONE EMAIL KIEFER SUTHERLAND THIS POST THANK YOU.
seeing as the vault is already open here are some other classy photos from my past:
the last art system party, i got paid in beers to go go dance and got in for free. i stashed my clothes in this sort of cubby closet and had to go rescue them cos everyone was destroying the drywall with mallets and support beams. dangerous shit. yes that dude's penis is a little too close to me.
after one of my shifts, what the hell, see it's a sippy cup.
the guy i think is the same penis guy from above, they were lying in this tray pan thing and people were pouring red wine on them and beer swirl and i think i saw a few jerks spit in that too. art people man, ha.
here is my original caption for that nite/picture:
we love naked people lying down in tables of red wine and people jumping thru drywall and stealing art smashing lightbulbs and people asking me to have sex with them and paying coolhandluke to show them his dink and me wearing underwear and cutting in front of groups of people in line for the bathroom to fill up my beer can with water and on and on and a snotty girl asking if i slept with the her sister's ex-boyfriend and walking around saying i'm a go go dancer but really i am just walking around on drugs. yarrr!
the snotty girl in question is xenia. haha.
royal tennenbaums/gwyneth paltrow hair phase, didn't last long.
i am 19 here.
Paul Barman, nice dude, however, should change his career.
me thinks. he made the other dudes seem like jimi hendrix.
what i wore to go go dance for kid koala at lee's. he chose me and some other person from the audience to do a blinking contest on stage, i lost and felt like a fucking tool.
oceans never listen to us anyway
last nite's sunset rubdown/xiu xiu show made up for the suck what was calla on wednesday. sunset played first and fuck blew me away, i knew nothing of them beforehand, i am won over, i bought their cd. xiu xiu were also great but 40% of the time they were all about pretentious weirdness which is never a substitute for talent, i mean, they obvs. got the talent i dunno why the need to fuck it all up with long silences and tiny conch shells clacking in lieu music that is audible from the back of the room, i am a fan of music, not noise i can make myself with a stick against a chainlink fence. they were definitely anti-climactic after sunset, sorry xiu xiu.
there was this cat in the very front we were commenting on during sunset, he was sitting alone, skinny, old man detective hat, glasses, chewing a tiny stogey, reading catch-22!!! he was hunter s-ing out hard, not even the coolest of cool can pull that off seriously. anyway he was in the same spot all nite long and was really feeling xiu xiu like understood the clanging you could tell to the very being of his soul i said to fil he must be thinking the chick working the keys is the yin to his yin.
oh then of course fil started using his flash and one time blew it over the sound guy's back (who was crotchety from being called-out in front of the whole room, from the stage by xiu xiu) and so drunklor lipped him and couldn't stop, once he began i kept tugging his arm cos i knew we were going to get thrown out and i had to piss, fil was telling the guy how he could at least be polite and meanwhile there are all these flashes going off from other people's cameras and the sound guy is like it says on your ticket NO FLASH which isn't true and fil tells him this so sound guy goes ok then we'll see what happens then fil says uh he is getting security and we leave, passing security and sound guy cos fil didn't want his card deleted. the security dude's look on his face was so passe about having to deal with this flash camera nonsense, pretty funny, and as we were pulling on our coats he was shit-talking xiu xiu and how strange and weird their music was and how everyone was leaving too, meanwhile, he is suppose to be telling us like it is regarding flash photography.
then we are on the street and these three dudes come out of the billiards thing and ask for a cigarette saying he will give me a ridiculous amount of change and i say no it's fine i'll give you one for free and the guy has dreads and a polish housecleaner's kercheif on his head and his buddy goes "ridiculous amount of change? you are such a nerd." and i got it in my head to zing this kid so i said AT LEAST HE ISN'T WEARING A BACKPACK LIKE THAT and everyone was shocked and awed and i went OH SNAP like ben stiller in zoolander and everyone laughs at the backpack guy and tells him to go back to highschool. as we were walking away one of the guys was just standing there looking at us go, huge love and adoration for my asshole mouth all over his face, it was pretty romantic, especially with the rain falling down like that and the streetlights.
this outfit received a thumbs down
evidence of xiu xiu's weirdness, though i like it when she screams.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
so i have decided that my next book will be a bunch of shorter stories, the surreal loosely fictitious one i started a while back i just cannot get into it again, into adding anything new other than the apocalypse, everyone dies the end. i started writing another story that is simple and easy, i've been carrying this little journal around and i add to it everywhere we go, it's pretty simple, not going to be anything pulitzer-worthy, but entertaining all the same. finally my writer's block is gone and all it took was a chinese notebook with engrish on the cover and psychotic panda bears, to get it back. thank fuck. i am not going to transcribe any of it onto my blog and i am not going to say what it is about, well, it's about me obviously, i mean i'm not going to do a synopsis, well maybe i will, either way i am not obsessing over it at all, not over-thinking, just doing, for once.
another short story will be about the drug and alcohol meetings i use to attend, and another story will be about the psyche ward.
i also have to get back to my ms paint drawing roots.
i left a love note in the john at the horseshoe:
i can't wait to go back and see FUCK YOU SLUT and other messages scrawled around it. middle stall, downstairs bathroom, ladies.
me: i left a love note for u at the horseshoe
sharpachu: hee hee
i totally dance at concerts
me: i should write dear sharpie from now on
well there were a bunch of nerds dancing
and then after i wrote that some cute girls were dancing and i was like oh no
and they were cool kinda
i dance too when im wasted
sharpachu: omg that would be so awesome to see dear sharpie notes around town
it could be like a scavenger hunt, i will write responses, got to go get my horde of sharpies
me: i have to go back to the victory to see if my poetry slam message is there still
god that's so weird!
(the poetry slamming)
me: fully, do nerds know they are nerds like crazy people dont know they are crazy
sharpachu: and ugly people don't know they're ugly
sharpachu: although, some people embrace their nerdiness
me: i think some nerds know they are nerds but not the ones who poetry slam
sharpachu: they're the "do's"
the ones who poetry slam are trying to figure out ways to be cool
me: poetry slams and drum circles
sharpachu: but failing
drum circles is less nerdy more disgusting hippie
less axe body spray more patchouli
me: i need to write a longer poem about fils balls and read it at the victory with a straight face, would you come listen to me, i would bust up laughing and if samir was there too sooooo not happening with a straight face
sharpachu: of course i will!
me: and then at the end i can bow dramatically get down on one knee and point at fil and say HE is the one
that would be thee best!!!
me: fil would die
sharpachu: i would die laughing
me: and be high
no if i was high i would laugh hysterically for ten minutes
and start crying
sharpachu: if you took like a valium you could do it
like all you need is a total downer
me: so i wonder if anyone can join this troupe
i could be a poetry mole for a year
do some inside journalism
me: put all this ridiculous effort and wasted hours
just to read a poem about fils balls
sharpachu: and then write a memoir!
me: and go on tour then the poetry nerds email me all hurt and try and have a confrontation about how i hurt their feelings
sharpachu: you can have a duel with them at that point
there's a new hankandmike trailer i'm in it. watch the NEW one, not old. you will see me twice, yellow burlesque dancer thing.
calla at the horseshoe last nite was boresville, and it was pretty dead. and it was raining.
on facebook i left a comment on this guy's wall saying are you still a snarky bastard, jokingly, cos if you're snarky, you have a sense of humour right?
his totally fly-off-the-handle response:
"Are you still a loser Goth whore like in Highschool? Just because you have a boyfriend now, doesn't mean life has flipped the script on you and you're now cool.......Just so you know, you come across like a bitch, i knew you we're weird, didn't know you we're a weird bitch."
when was i ever goth? this guy took forever to finish highschool and now he is a slimy mortgage broker drug addict drunk and is losing his hair. he was one of those druggie kids in school too. i sent his message to my brother who sort of hung out with him. he blocked me on facebook so i can't even write back and defend myself. i just want him to know that i had tons of boyfriends in highschool, actually, and that i know he wants to have sex with me and that if he wants to discuss how pretty my hair is then i am cool with that and then i will tell him all the cool things i have ever done because i really need him to know how cool i am.
haha i just saw on his work's website that his dad works there too and no doubt got him hired, i'm sure he totally pulls his weight around there. perhaps i should fire an email to the head of the company as well as his dad and say this is the kind of shit your employee/son is doing while on the job.
fun never stops kids!