worst best oufit i ever invented.
i am the most graceful woman in the world, just will you look at my legs, will you? now can you do that? i'm in 5 directions at once. jealous.
the polish cuckoo clock
fil sure is a lucky dude.
cops + charlies angels + meth
THE DUI DRUNK TEST
this tile-ripper is the TETRIS RETARD
this one's called WINDSTORM!
this move is the walker (with a lightning bolt through it as a bonus).
well, at least my cardigan and pants match.
i'm such a good dancer i can move even when i'm standing on my own foot, don't think i need to tell you how many close calls there were.
the busted leg mummy
the yoko ono, this one is easy, all you have to do is spend two years growing out your hair, then you go to a dark bar and practice primal scream therapy.
we can barely figure out how to hold each other's hands.
Q: when a white person is asked, so you think you can dance, what is the right answer?
A: DOES IT MATTER!?
ps. i couldn't even make out what we were even dancing to the entire time, extra points for that.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
before we canoodled (blogger does not recognize this as a real word) last nite i was really feelin' this guy apparently.
v. into it.
uh, so, i tore out part of my left thumbnail two days ago and it hurts to type, there's exposed pulpy skin, i thought i was just tearing at a hangnail, nope, turns out it was much more.
who thinks it's a good idea for me to steal pictures from people's facebook's from my past and tell stories about them on my blog? obviously bad idea, which equals GOOD blog material. no, GREAT blog material and like that wouldn't come back to bite me in the ass at all!
what would you like more, a guide to being obnoxious or a guide to being interesting?
here's something, i put on some burt's bees yeah? that stuff is awesome, works better than any other chap stick, agreed? also it doesn't have that chemical that all the others have that actually dries your lips out thus propagating the chap stick dependency.
well anyway so i have it on my lips, then i have it on my fingers, then i get it on my toilet paper, then i get it on my butt hole (accidentally!), true story, happened just now, so all that rapid relief was experienced by my ass. and by ass i mean anus. i came into the room and shared this with fil and tried to describe the sensation using my fingers by clenching and releasing them rapidly like pulsation? you're welcome for the hard facts. why i don't have a tv show right now i don't know.
then fil was looking at his arm and i said what are you looking for, muscles? ahahha
radmad gave me this crazy lube for your clit and you're only supposed to use a dob half the size of your pinky nail, it is that extreme, burt's bees is like 1/10 the amount of intensity, but still, DON'T PUT IT ON YOUR ANUS! this lube is only meant for the clit because it will numb you up right after it sets you on fucking fire! i guess it's like tiger balm? if you're a horny slut and ask me enough i will get off my ass and get you the name of this stuff.
*he just read this post and now he is flexing at me.
oh yeah i also saw this guy last nite and couldn't remember why he looked so familiar then it came to me just as i was passing him and his group of people so i go hey you're a comedian right? he goes yeah. i say you do the praying mantis right, then put my arms up in the air and weebled them around bending and extending them like a praying mantis. he goes yeah and all his friends are like woah! and i say, yeah, you're really funny. then i continue my walk on over to the JD bar and get a lemonade jack and this guy and all his friends (who are likely comedians too that i inadvertently fully snubbed by not acknowledging their senses of humour) are staring at me, and his friends stared at me for the rest of the nite actually and i could tell they were doing a george costanza in their heads over not being singled out.
well if they looked like praying mantises i would remember them too!
does anyone know if the renovations at the h&m on bloor are finished yet?
last nite i interviewed george for the music therapy trust fund at the steamwhistle for weaselpalooza's fundraiser/silent auction, gill came at me and said hey strombo's coming interview him. what? me? ok! what? i was going to wing it and try to be funny and ask some dumb question but then i saw this other girl writing things down AND she had some sort of recording device what!? so melodie gave me a few questions cos my mind was totally blank and off i went. hey hi how are you remember me oh yeah great what are you doing here oh you know jusshangin' ok i'm going to ask you some questions now blalblabllalaha. i recorded it with my camera, and half way through that kid rock guy (the original, you out of torontonians have no idea, but we have our own kid rock here, it's true, before kid rock was kid rock, WE had kid rock) shows up and shoves his camera in george's face i'm all uh interview going on here. george is buddies with our friend jeff marek, who now hosts hockey night in canada on sirius satellite radio, and also looks like christian bale, so we had to tell george that his friend looks like batman, here is the original post where i expose jeff's baleness, excuse the full on haggardness of my face in that one picture, yikes!
this is what our kid rock looks like, he has a website too, i don't want to link to it, you can just google it:
he's basically like russell oliver aka the cash man, a total fucking institution, for the sole reason of over the top and constant self-promotion.
we caught a new commercial for russell oliver on the spanish channel last nite when we were looking for porn, the dude knows his audience, this specific commercial stars russell and a few slutty chicks partying down to techno music and a bunch of cheesy graphics.
fil had a nap before we went out.
so at this auction i bid on like 10 things, i was out of control, those bright white lights and the fresh pages in front of all the items, and the jack daniels, and the pens, yeah totally i need a melted vinyl record molded into a bracelet, and fil, he needs a 200 dollar guitar signed by lenny kravitz (that was his doing, he said he was going to flip it on ebay, i'm glad he was outbid on that). i won nothing. not even the fucking girl's movie night dvds that i was first to bid on and was expressly told there were three sets for that (WENDI I WANT MONA LISA SMILE!) all i wanted was to see my stupid name on that power point thing at the end. sigh.
other than all that it was a complete fucking gong show which equals totally awesome time, everyone got sloppy and stupid, i had a lot of fun, and there were lots of fancy snacks! next time can you assholes tell me to take off my media badge necklace though, i missed the memo on that, holy umburrussing!
so much for my diet!
i almost bid on that bag of chocolate, then i remembered i'm not a fat ass, and i don't like chocolate. i'd give it to my dad.
i didn't win that kurt painting either.
so glad he didn't win this.
oh and here are my big hangover tits the second i woke up this morning, yeah yeah they're not colossal, over it already.
everyone went to wrongbar, we didn't go, it was 20 after 1, we were already cocked and just wanted to go home and bang, and we did. brad was so junked up (drunk) he told me he was going to karate chop me in my fucking face, that kid weighs like 93lbs i threw him into a wall with one finger. oh and he forgot to get the jagermeister underwear he won out of my purse and fil is wearing it right now, with the matching t-shirt i won for him, burn on brad.
what did you kids get up to last nite?
good news i found this year's suit
then to set the mood, slip into the evening seamlessly like so